I am transgendered and have known since i was about 5 that I was 'different'. I suffer quite badly from depression, and have done so for most of my life although its beeen worst in the last 6 years or so. It has cost me a lot of hope and dreams, a six figure career, a business, and a house.
I am posting this because I have felt down again in the last few days, and I wanted to say thank you to the people who have read my story, and thank you even more to those who kudos and comment. Personally I find it very difficult to take much interest in life or the real world, when what I want and need is so far away.
I am working with the NHS in the UK and only last month had to take the step of saying that I didnt feel ready to go forward for formal diagnosis, by the second doctor. Not because I am unsure, but because i am crippled by self doubt and a lack of self confidence. My next step is the 'real life test'which I have to do for 6 months before having a chance of getting the hormones I need to even begin changing my body. It is a cruel part of th eprocess in the uk that they won't prescribe hormones unless you have gone through the first 6 months without them, thereby showing you can 'cope'. I guess I understand their reasoning but since that appointment I have managed to put on about 15lbs and drank a load as well. Currently I am 6ft tall with wide shoulders, and a big head and I weigh bout 220lb, and hairy as a freaking gorilla. I hate my body and have all my life been in conflict with it, and largely hated myself as well.
What little self worth I have at the moment is largely the result of the feedback I have to my writing. Whatever else is shit in my life I can apparently do that reasonably well. So once again THANK YOU. I will keep on writing and I hope you will keep on reading and enjoying and then letting me know.
It makes me wonder how many of the readers/writers on Big closet are in similar circumstances and if anyone is willing to share I would love to know.
Thanks again.
Ashleigh (the name my Mom approved of but I have never been able to use in public yet)
This sounds familiar...
My worst episode before finally kicking it cost me a college education from a very good school.
I'm not sure what to tell you... I think, well, I know for me, it was a matter of will over mind. I had to tell my own head who was in charge.
I still have to constantly put my foot back down and tell the walls not to rebuild, and the moat not to refill. Even after transition, I suspect this'll be something I'll fight the rest of my life.
It can be fought though. You are stronger than your depression.
Abigail Drew.
Abigail Drew.
You Know
You have a family here
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Ashleigh hunny
I hear you and understand what you are moving through... my depression is bad often but i try to find one person or happy thought to focus on...it helps... i started a blog also that i have written about my depression at... it is Looking Forward, Moving Forward.
I don't have all the answers, but maybe something there will help?
meantime, we are here for you...
Hugs you tight,
Diana
Messy Hair
For years I was the guy with the messy hair. I couldn't stand to look into mirrors, and even shaving I concentrated on the details and not the whole picture. It was just too depressing. No Ashleigh you're most definitely aren't alone. While I knew that others had issues similar to mine, none of them were anywhere remotely close enough for me to talk to. That is the miracle of the infernal-net that we can find and talk to each other. I've though those ups and downs, sabotaging myself, and hopelessly trying to distract myself from my 'discomfort.' To say I've not lived up to my potential is an enormous understatement. My break came when met someone who was loving and understanding. (Understanding Spouse!) Even still, I'm a work in progress. Like others, me and medications don't mix well. Besides the Docs here seem awfully eager to medicate but want to stop there, and that doesn't address the real source of most problems.
As for writing, it is good. It lets us address and explore things and feelings that, at least for me, that has been repressed for a very long time. The sharing of these things can bring a measure of healing.
For as long as I can remember I told stories to myself. Yes, I was that kid like out of Calvin and Hobbs, the one the overactive imagination. The difference was these stories helped make what was wrong with me right. Bits and parts of many of those have found their ways to my more mature works.
Hello, my name is Grover, and I'm a comment whore. However, each time I get one of those, 'Thank you, I've had a bad day and this made it a little better' comments I feel like gold plating it and putting it on the mantle, (If I had one!) LOL!
We share the good times and bad. I guess that's what makes this a community. As a person here who I respect with the utmost says, 'We're all wounded doves.' All of us have our issues and can react badly when those buttons are pressed. Erin does a miracle with her tough love den mom approach. It works.
I can't say how many times my mouth has dropped open in shock after reading this or that. Hey! That's ME!
So no, you're not alone.
Big Hugs!
Grover
PS: I look forward to reading more of your work. I love SF and your story is great!
GET help with your depression, it IS treatable
YOU are of worth, the quality of your writing here shows intellgence and creativity.
If you can apply that to your personal sitiation I feel you will suceed.
And I LOVE Ashley. A lovely name for a woman be she plain, elderly or a stone cold fox! Think Ashley Judd, what an actress and sooooo good looking.
But for a guy WAY too Gone With the Wind.
-- snicker --
But hey, even Ashley Wilkes might have made a fair woman.
John in Wauwatosa
P.S. Hoped that cheered you up. Now get back to writing your wonderful sci-fi adventure. Hum, think of your personal life as an adventure. Some bad days some good but always something interesting ahead.
John in Wauwatosa
hugs, hon
I know what you mean about depression hon. Been there, didn't like it one bit. As for "passing" well, I'm 5 8 and weigh 275 pounds, with a large "burger belly", and yet I go out, and have even gotten a job as Dorothy, so it can happen. Know we are with you, no matter what, and keep writing!
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
Thanks
Thanks everyone, I was really down yesterday for some reason. Your comments helped and I am doing better today.
Ashleigh
Good, Ashleigh
Glad you are feeling better.
We all have bad days. Throw depression in and the bad days are that much worse. And those of us with gender issues are far more likely to suffer from depression. Although I came by mine honestly: I inherited it from my mother. My gender issues just make it more... intense. More bang for the buck. Oh joy. :P
That's why I'm such a smartass and joke around so much. My sense of humor is one of my coping methods. As is my faith. A lot of friends have asked me how I can still believe. One of the reasons is it helps me cope. I can admit intellectually that maybe the atheists are right. Still, I have faith, although I don't push it on anyone else. It works for me. There are, of course, other things that help me and others cope, as well. Family, friends, a support group, throwing yourself into your work, or your writing, or a hobby, or something else you really enjoy... Whatever.
But yeah, we all have bad days. Or bad weeks, sometimes. Another thing that helps me get through them is to remind myself that it will pass and I'll feel better again...
Lisa
Working on Depression
It's not easy being green, is it?
I realised a long time ago that most people don't give a tuppeny kick in the ear what or who you are, so it's only the people close to you that ned to be on your side.
You'll understand of course that everyone who reads Bigcloset is naturally on your side - your stories are amazing!! :)
Take each thing you need to change - or think you need to change and prioritise them - they're not as important as you think nor as hard to change as you would imagine.
Work on them one by one or in groups depending how detailed your list is.
Make them a little better - and bit by bit you'll begin to bewho you want to be.
Looking at them all in a bunch makes them seem insurmountable - mine were for 50 years but now I think I'm pretty much ok - not pretty, but there's worse!
I wish you success and love. Love yourself, and your success will be easier to achieve.
HUGz Jenny