The Deb Ball
by Bronwen Welsh

One thing you need to know about Australians — we never use a long word if it can be shortened. The ‘deb’ of the title means ‘débutante’ the old custom in high society of young women of marriageable age making their début in society and incidentally meeting eligible young bachelors. Originally the British débutantes were presented at court, but the present Queen, God bless her, did away with that fifty years ago.

Deb balls are still very popular in Australia, especially in the country. An anachronism you might say, but for young girls who spend 95% of their life in jeans there is still a huge attraction in wearing a long white gown not unlike a wedding dress, and enjoying an evening escorted by a young man who is awkwardly wearing a suit, perhaps for the first time. You only have to look at the girls’ faces as they and their partners fumble their way through some ballroom dancing while being applauded by local dignitaries and their parents. They are literally ‘having a ball’.

Not long after my father died, my mother decided for economic and sentimental reasons to move back to the little town of her birth, some 70 miles north of Melbourne. It is called Kyabradilagong, a name almost bigger than the town itself, which is said to derive from an Aboriginal word meaning something like ‘good fishing where the rivers meet’. As you might guess the locals all call it ‘Ky’. I had just started university, so it was decided that I would stay in Melbourne and keep in touch by phone and email, which, being a good son, I did every couple of days. It was during one such chat on the phone that Mum sprang a surprise on me. She had settled in well, meeting up with old friends and getting involved in the social life of the town, and it happened that the local deb ball was to take place in four days time. However disaster had struck. One of the girls, Fiona, had been struck down with appendicitis and was now recovering in hospital, and definitely a non-starter for the Saturday event. I tried to sound interested when she told me that Fiona’s partner-to-be Todd, was devastated that he had no partner to accompany. I found this hard to believe. Look at the pictures of any deb balls and while the young women look happy and gorgeous in their white satin frocks, their escorts always look uncomfortable and wishing they were somewhere else. This guy Todd must be one in a million.

Then Mum threw in what I believe Americans call a curve ball. Whatever it was, I certainly wasn’t expecting it.

“I was wondering” she began “if you might be willing to help out by taking Fiona’s place?”

It’s moments like this that your brain goes into overdrive, so much so that words somehow don’t come out. Mum took my silence for consent.

“You will? Oh thank you darling, everyone will be so pleased.”

“Hang on Mum” I finally spluttered. “Do you know what you’re really asking?”

“Of course darling,” she replied. “Fiona is about your size and she’s agreed that you can borrow her dress. I just know you can do it and I will be so proud to be the mother of a deb.”

I guess I’d better do some explaining at this point. I have four elder brothers and I know for sure that when she was pregnant with me, Mum was desperately hoping for a girl. Somehow she concealed her disappointment when the doctor said triumphantly

“It’s another boy!”

However, as I grew up it was obvious that I wasn’t like my elder brothers, who were tall, broad, black-haired and mad keen on sports. Instead I was slim, short and fair-haired, and try as I might I just couldn’t work up interest in ‘boy things’. At school, most of my friends were girls, and you can guess that this did not go over well with the other boys who teased me unmercifully. I was known as the one who ran like a girl and threw like a girl and was always picked last when choosing sides for team sports.

When I was about ten or eleven I had a particular friend called Emma and I enjoyed going around to her house where we played ‘mothers and fathers’, using her dolls as children. One day when Emma’s mother was out shopping, Emma declared she was bored with always being mother and suggested we switch roles. I always tended to go along with anything she suggested so I agreed and we started off in our new roles. After a few minutes, Emma frowned and declared that it wasn’t going well.

“I know” she said “Lets swap clothes. Then it will be more real.”

With that she pulled her dress off over her head and demanded that I remove my shorts and shirt which she put on. She directed me to hold my arms up while she lowered the dress over my head and my arms into the short sleeves. She combed my long hair and added a ribbon, then fetched a lipstick from her mother’s bedroom and applied some to my lips. I looked at myself in the mirror and was surprised how much I looked like a girl. I was secretly rather pleased. We started to play again and we were so engrossed that we didn’t even hear Emma’s mother come home until she walked into the room. She looked rather startled as she said

“Tony? Is that you?”

“Of course it is mummy” said Emma “We are playing mummies and daddies but we decided we would swap over today.”

Young though I was I got the distinct impression that Emma’s mother wasn’t very pleased seeing me dressed in her daughter’s clothes. When I went home, my mother sat me down and said that Emma’s mother had called her.

“We changed places and it was fun” I said “But I don’t think Emma’s mummy liked what we did. I don’t think I’d better do it again.”

Mother hugged me to her and said “But you enjoyed it didn’t you?”

“Yes” I said in a small voice. I thought I had concealed my feelings and my occasional trying on of her underwear rather well, but now I suspected she knew much more than I thought.

“Well” said Mother “How about I buy you some dresses and then you can dress at home and be my daughter. It will be our secret.”

The next day when I came home from school, Mother had a surprise for me. She had bought two pretty dresses, some pink underpants, white socks and some girl’s shoes. From then on, I often wore dresses at home and we enjoyed our times as mother and daughter. When I was her daughter, I was Toni. That was easier than thinking up a whole new name.

As the years went by, we still enjoyed those times together. I was still short with a slender body and rather feminine mannerisms and quite frankly looked and felt much more comfortable in a dress than in boy’s clothes. When I reached my teens, Mother started to buy me adult clothes, satin panties, slips, bras and teenage dresses. I still remember the magical day I wore my first pair of stockings and some low heel shoes. My only regret was that I couldn’t wear them all the time. Meanwhile I studied hard and passed my exams and I qualified for university just about the time my mother moved back to Ky. I had to live in Melbourne to attend university. I took two suitcases of clothes to Melbourne, one my guy clothes and one my girl clothes. I had been lucky enough to find a room to rent in a share house where I would fit in very well. There were four other people in the house; the two girls were lesbian and partners so shared a bedroom' one guy was gay and the other straight. You could almost say the straight guy was the odd person out! I dressed as a guy for university, but I still enjoyed relaxing as a girl. After a week or so I had some lingerie to wash and as I was hanging it on the clothes line, the gay guy Michael who was also hanging out some clothes commented that my girlfriend had some pretty lingerie.

“Actually it’s mine,” I said. Michael raised an eyebrow but said nothing

I gave a couple of days for the news to get around (it probably only took thirty minutes max), and then one evening, I put on my makeup, brushed my hair out, selected a pretty floral dress, stockings and heels, took a deep breath and made my way to the big lounge room where we watched television. I was a touch nervous but I needn’t have been. The two girls Mary and Ellen were there, cuddling on the couch as usual, and also the straight guy James.

Ellen said “What a pretty dress!” The other two murmured approval and that was that.

Now you can see why Mother’s suggestion that I take Fiona’s place wasn’t quite as impossible as it might seem, but I was worried because if I was ‘read’ then Mother would surely never live it down. However mothers can be very persuasive and so early Friday afternoon, I found myself driving to Ky in a short grey skirt and white cotton blouse and still wondering to myself if it was a mad idea. I reached Mother’s house to be greeted with a warm embrace. She led me to my room, and there hanging up was Fiona’s dress. It was very pretty, a full satin skirt with tulle overlay, a beaded strapless bodice, and lots of stiff petticoats to give the skirt fullness. Mother insisted I try it on immediately in case any modifications were needed, but it fitted perfectly.

The final rehearsal was to be held in the hall that evening, so after a light tea, I dressed in a pale yellow dress, light tan pantyhose and 4 inch heels. I also wore a white full slip which I knew would show a glimpse of lace as I danced. I do love slips I confess. They are so pretty and feminine and feel wonderful against my skin. I did my hair and make-up and Mother insisted that I looked perfect. When we arrived at the hall, Miss Higgins was effusively grateful that I had stepped in at short notice to ‘save the day’ as she put it.

“I didn’t even know your mother had a daughter.” She said, and I smiled and said nothing. I wondered about my partner as the other girls and their partners arrived and we exchanged greetings. I was surprised to see that I was the only one wearing a dress, although some of the girls wore short skirts. So far so good, no-one noticed anything out of the ordinary. Mother had some things to do so she left me there.

“Todd, come and meet Toni”

I heard Miss Higgins say and I turned around to greet him. Have you ever met someone for the first time and had one of those ‘weak at the knees’ moments? Todd was gorgeous. Tall, slim and athletic with a shock of curly brown hair and a wide smile he was a young version of Colin Firth in “Pride and Prejudice”. I should point out that despite my female leanings I had never felt attracted to guys, I just liked being with girls. This however felt different. What had I got myself into? Todd gave me a firm handshake as is the country way, and I felt a tingling as my small hand was engulfed by his broad man’s hand. Mother had told me that Todd was 19 and had done well at school. He pretty much ran his parents’ farm but he was due to go to university to study agricultural science, the same university where I was enrolled. He was also captain of the local football team.

I had to snap out of my racing thoughts because Miss Higgins was arranging us for the presentation. We were put in the middle so that I could follow the others if I forgot anything. She then switched on a cassette player so we could practice the dances. I had learned to dance at school, and danced at home with Mother, so I could take either the male or female part. Todd was not very experienced at dancing but he was athletic and naturally graceful in his movements so we seemed to complement each other perfectly. Pretty soon we were moving around the hall in a manner which had Miss Higgins clapping her hands in delight. I felt just wonderful, held in Todd’s strong arms as we twirled around. Later, when we practiced the waltz and he was holding me close, I could feel he was starting to get an erection. I didn’t want him to be embarrassed, so I eased away.

“Sorry.” he whispered.

“I’m not,” I whispered back and thought to myself ‘What am I saying?’

While we were listening to Miss Higgins’ instructions, Todd kept hold of my hand and I confess that the tingling sensation would not go away.

I was sorry when the rehearsal finally came to an end and Mother arrived to drive me home. Todd gave me a kiss on the cheek when we parted and told me he was so looking forward to the next evening.

“So what did you think of Todd?” Mother asked as we drove home.

“Oh he was alright,” I said as nonchalantly as I could.

“So the fact you’re blushing has nothing to do with Todd?” Mother laughed.

The next day I was up early for a morning run, then checked all my clothes for the evening. With some money from my part time job I had bought an embroidered strapless bridal corset with matching satin g-string, white lace stockings and white shoes with 4 inch heels. A ridiculous extravagance for a student I know, but this was the closest I would ever be to a bride, so why not? After a light lunch, I had a rest and then a long luxurious bath. This time Mother was doing my hair, putting in some curlers to give it a nice wave. Then I dressed in my pretty lingerie, which took me some time, enjoying the feel of the lace and satin against my skin as I always did. I pulled the white stockings with their lace tops slowly up my newly shaved legs feeling the silkiness against my skin, and attached them to the suspenders. Then I tucked in my breast forms and admired myself in the mirror, sorry that no one else was going to see how I looked. I applied my makeup and dabbed some perfume on my wrists and neck. Mother helped me on with my petticoats and finally the dress. I stepped into my heels and stood before the mirror.

Mother wiped away a tear as she looked at me and she whispered “You look so beautiful darling, almost like a bride.”

“Oh Mum,” I said as I hugged her. “I should have been your daughter. I’ve always felt that.”

She shook herself and said “I must get my camera. I always want to remember how you look tonight.”

Mum was dressed in a full length purple satin dress and she looked great, younger than I had seen her in ages.

“You look radiant Mum,” I said “Is there a man in your life by any chance?” This time it was her turn to blush.

“Bring your camera along,” I said “I want some photos of us together — mother and daughter.”

The door bell rang and Mother went to answer it. She came back with Todd. He looked so handsome in his dinner suit, white shirt and bow tie, and I confess I just loved the look on his face when he saw me.

“Wow, you look great!” he said. He was carrying two small posies of flowers which he seemed to forget for a minute, and then he remembered and presented them to mother and me. I almost cried. No one had ever given me flowers before. He escorted us to the car and drove us to the hall. I felt so excited and happy as I held Mother’s hand in the back seat of the car.

The hall had been decorated with white streamers and white balloons and music was provided by a trio of piano, bass and drums on the stage. The tables were covered in white table clothes with a vase of flowers at the centre, and all around were men in dinner suits and women in beautiful gowns, while all of us debs shone in our white dresses.

The evening went without a hitch. We were presented to the local mayor and his wife and the dancing was a huge success, much to Miss Higgins’ relief I’m sure. I was so happy to be in Todd’s arms once more. As we danced he whispered in my ear,

“You look gorgeous. You’re the prettiest girl in the room and all the other guys are jealous of me.” Then he bent and kissed me lightly on the lips. I was in seventh heaven.

The local Country Women’s Association had provided the supper and that too was a triumph. The last waltz came all too soon, but Todd had invited me to an after party for the debs and partners and I had accepted. Since I was going back to Melbourne the next day I wanted to spend every minute that I could with him. I spoke to Mother and she told me that her friend Charlie could drop her at home, so I should go and enjoy myself. I liked the look of Charlie. I’d had a chat with him during the evening. He was a widower and around Mum’s age. I hoped that things would go well for them.

Todd walked me to his car and opened the door as a gentleman should. We drove to the house where the party was to be held, and when Todd parked the car, he looked over at me, I smiled at him and the next moment, we were kissing deeply. I could feel my heart pounding. Was this something for which I had waited my whole life? I didn’t want it to stop. I forgot who I was and where I was. I could feel Todd’s erection pressing against me and I wanted him with all my heart. I was so lost in the moment that I didn’t realize that his hand was cupping one of my breasts. As our lips parted I realized that he was looking at me with a puzzled expression and in that instant I knew that he had realized that it was not a natural breast that he had been feeling.

“Toni, I don’t understand,” he said.

Wild thoughts flashed through my mind. Should I make the excuse that I’d had a mastectomy? I dismissed it right away. The only thing I could do was tell the truth even if it meant the end of everything.

“Todd,” my voice quavered “I don’t know how to tell you, but I must. I’m not exactly what you think I am, in fact I’m not physically female — yet. I’m transgendered.”

Todd looked puzzled. “You mean you’re a transvestite?”

“No!” I gasped “Well yes in a sort of way, but it’s complicated. Oh God, I never wanted this to happen. It’s not so much for me but if it gets out my mother will never live it down.”

I expected Todd to explode but he didn’t. “You’re not gay then?” he asked.

“Oh no, although I think people like me are as discriminated against as them. People just don’t understand.”

“Perhaps you should tell me exactly what you mean?” he said, so I explained all about my brothers and how my mother wanted a girl, and how for as long as I could remember I felt in my heart I was that girl and indeed was only comfortable when I was dressed as one. Then I told him that I had decided that I must take steps to become physically the woman I always felt I was. What I didn’t say was that it was meeting him that finally made me make that decision.

“You know,” he smiled “When I saw you yesterday at the rehearsal, the first thing I thought was that you looked the most feminine and prettiest girl in the room.”

“I didn’t really expect that,” I managed a faint smile “I assumed that all the girls would wear dresses but I was the only one. I expected to attend the rehearsal and tonight, and then say goodbye and that would be it. What I didn’t expect….” My voice trailed off.

“Yes?” he prompted. I took a deep breath.

“I didn’t expect you and how you would make me feel,” I finally got out, and then in a rush. “And now I’ve ruined your evening and you must despise me for deceiving you although it’s true I never intended to. So if you will please just drive me back to my mother’s house, then you can go to the party and tell them I was sick and you can enjoy the rest of the evening. Just please, for my mother’s sake, don’t tell anyone about me.”

I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. Todd looked at me very seriously for a moment, and he looked so handsome my heart felt as though it would break. Then he took out his handkerchief and very gently wiped away my tears.

“Is that what you really want?”

“Yes. I mean no! Oh God I don’t know what I want any more.” I could feel the tears welling in my eyes again.

“I think you do know what you want,” he said solemnly “And I think I know what I want too.” Then he leaned over and started to kiss me very softly on my lips. I gasped, and the tears started to flow in earnest, but now they were tears of happiness. We stayed there for a long time, and I nestled in his strong arms and felt safe at last.

“Come on,” he smiled. “We’d better get to the party or people will wonder what we’ve been doing. Not that they’ll ever guess!”

That was nearly three years ago. Todd and I have been living together for over two of them and I now live as a female full time. We both attend university and I am taking the steps towards a full transition. Todd is such a wonderful support to me. I don’t think I could have done it without him. He still plays for the Ky footy club and I go along to cheer him from the sidelines. They have a very good chance for the premiership this year.