Mommy’s girl

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Hi I am Ian I am 13 and I have 1 older brother and my role model is my mom. My mom always wanted a daughter but she never got one but I tried to be more girly by wearing some pink. One morning on a Saturday my mom said, honey do you want to go with me to the hair salon. I said yes and got dresses and went into the car on the way there we were listening to Taylor swift my mom and I’s favorite musician. When my mom asked what girly hair type I like best because she was getting hair extensions I said wazy and down to the hip. So I sat down and was getting my haircut but something seemed different but I thought that they just had a new technique so I just sat through it. When I was done I looked into the mirror and saw that I had long hair. I told my mom why did they give me long hair she said I thought you’d like it and said i couldn’t cut it for three months. I said I’m gonna keep it for 6 months because I love this haircut. Mommy said since you love this hair I’m going to take you somewhere special. On the way there I was thinking of where we were going until we stopped in front of the beauty and nail salon. I said mom I don’t want to get my nails done she said you are getting your nails done and not just that you are getting your makeup done I’m doing this because you’ll like the outcomes. We walked in and my mom said I’d like 9 inch acrylic nails and that the color will be pink and glittery and the same color on my toes.she also said that I wanted my makeup done. She said that the makeup I wanted was pink glittery eyeshadow and the lipstick was going to be a purple liquid lipstick. While they were putting on my acrylic nails and painting my nails I felt really good and I thought that I looked very pretty so then I asked if they could dye my hair pink. After I finished I looked in the mirror and was so happy that I looked pretty and they asked me my name and I said Ashley. When I got in the car my mom asked if I wanted to go clothes shopping I said yes. When we got there I tried on a pink floral dress I loved it my mom told me to put on some panties with it I never felt so free. We went store to store picking out skirts, dresses, heels, makeup, all the girly items I ended up getting about 10 pairs of heels 20 dresses 13 crop tops 50 pairs of panties and 15 skirts and some other items. When we got home I went straight to bed thinking about what a great day I had. I woke up at 10 the next morning I looked in my wardrobe to get dressed and all my girl clothes were mixed with the boy clothes I couldn’t believe I used to wear those ugly clothes. I put on a black mini skirt and a pink tank top. I tried makeup but it kept looking terrible so I asked my mom to teach me the basics after that I put on my makeup did my hair and went to school. Every was talking about who the new girl was when my best friends Kyle and Jacob came over and asked my name I said Ian and they were shocked and asked what happened I told them that I tried on girl clothes and makeup and fell in love they said I was weird. During lunch no one sat next to me until my crush Alex sat next to me she asked my name and said Ian she said omg you look so pretty but I don’t think Ian fits you do you have a girl name in mind and I said Ashley... To be continued

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Comments

hmm....

Snarfles's picture

For a story, there are basically 5 questions the author must answer, at least eventually: What? (happens) Why? (did it happen, etc) Where? When? and WHO?...

A FICTION author also has the immense task of suspending the disbelief of her readers. Warp drive in space sagas for example... if they couldn't cross huge distances quickly ... there would be no stories....

This tale? perhaps I can sum it up...metaphorically...

I flipped a coin..I wanted it to land heads but it didn't, mommy said I had to wait 3 months to flip it again....

Crash and burn, baby....

but I do give Kudos for trying. Maybe you put a little more thought into it before posting?

Paragraphs

erin's picture

You have a story here so you've got that. Everything else is just learning techniques and acquiring skills, like working in a sandwich shop. :)

Here's one technique you need to learn:

A huge help for the reader is paragraphing. A large block of text on the screen is difficult to follow. Paragraphing for print is different but for online, a good rule of thumb is that a paragraph should not be more than five lines or so. Or you could say fifty to one hundred words. Very short for print but about right for online. You indicate a paragraph by putting a blank line below it before the next paragraph.

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Good first attempt.

Bobbie Sue's picture

No one is perfect "out of the box" so now that you have your feet wet, build on it. I would say that it is a good first story and better than I could do on my first attempt (which hasn't come yet).

I've seen long acrylic nails

KateElizabethSuhr13's picture

I've seen long acrylic nails but I'm pretty sure they don't go to 9 inches length. Lol but I am enjoying this story.

Being a sister

I like your story.
Like others, I want to encourage you to keep writing. I suggest you find a proofreader.
I am better than I was, and the encouragement and ideas from the BC community has made a difference.

Jessica C

Jessica E. Connors

Jessica Connors

keep working

This is improved a lot from yesterday. You might want to do a couple of rewrites before you post if that is the way your muse works. A lot of people will not see anything but the first version.

Not bad

For a first story... dont stop writing you will develop a writing style in time. Some of my favorite writers have given you advice. Learn from them and also learn what works for you I'm eager to read the next chapter

EllieJo Jayne

For the first time writing...

Your story is good. As you write more, you'll get better. I'm not perfect in my writings, but I try to improve. I have dyslexia and it frustrate me, but I know I can get better. Anyway, looking forward to seeing more...

TGSine --958