Continuation of Robbie's story, as friends, family, and maybe even fate
continue him on his path of discovering who he, or she, really is.
Robbie’s Revelation
Chapters 4 - 6

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Author's Note:Thank you everyone that is following my story, the feedback is greatly appreciated. I have 12 chapters completed, I am compiling them here 3 chapters at a time until I get caught up to where I am writing currently. Thank you all again, and I hope you enjoy Robbie's Story. . ~Rebecca

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Chapter 4
 
It was almost 10:40 when I walked in the door at home. Mom was still sitting in her normal chair waiting on me, guess she wanted all the info on why I was suddenly at Jens ALL afternoon and night.

“Did you have fun tonight?” She asked me, hope evident in her voice.

“I guess so, I mean we were just studying, that biology exam is going to be killer.” I lied to the best of my ability.

“Uh huh, must have been an exhausting study session if you volunteered to cook them your risotto.” She mused.

“Mom really? Mrs. Cook worked really late and Jen was going to just heat up frozen dinners, she had been really nice today so I just wanted to, you know, show my appreciation.” I shrugged, really not liking where this conversation is headed.

I know she was just teasing when she said, “Oh you two were home alone most of the night by yourselves? Is there something I need to know about? Hmm?”

I just groaned, “Really Mom? Why do you ask that? I mean you know nothing can happen… Even if… I just can’t...” I felt my vision starting to blur again, “I’m going to bed, I can’t do this tonight. See you tomorrow.”

I know I hurt her feelings as I stormed to the bathroom to do my evening routine, that look of hurt is one I’ve seen on her face way too many times. I know I’ve caused most of those looks, due to my... whatever it is, it’s all because of me. As I started to undress I caught a view of myself in the mirror in just the sports bra and panties, and for a moment I was almost enthralled by what I saw once again. Then the shame started building, I should be a guy dammit, not a girl admiring her reflection. This is why my parents look at me like they do. Why is my mind trying to screw with me? I sit down on the bed and go to empty the bag I brought from Jennifer’s and I come across the “gift” she gave me to sleep in. I pick it up and examine it, it looks like just a super long tee-shirt and whatever its made of feels so soft. I hold it up to my chest for a minute and realize it smells like Jen, which brings me to think about this evening. I’m even more confused when I smile from the memory. The memory of being dressed like a girl and spending time with my best girlfriend, well I mean my best friend who’s a girl, you know what I mean. Absentmindedly I put the nightshirt on and am surprised just how good it does feel. I lie down and turn off my light on my nightstand.

While I’m trying to NOT think of anything so I can fall asleep, my mind has other plans as it so often does. It starts thinking just how god awful this day was, possibly outing myself to my class, the fight with Jen and the repercussions I had to deal with because of our fight. Then my mind starts drifting off to later that day though, and everything that happened outside the school, and then at her house. She and her Mom know, and they still seem to care about me. Maybe this day wasn’t nearly as bad as I first thought. I was still pretty mixed up and then I remembered something that always used to comfort me, something I haven’t needed in years. I turned the light on and went and reached up in the top of my closet and pulled out my old stuffed ewok, Wicket. Yes, I was, and still am, a diehard Star Wars junkie, so sue me. I turned off the light again and laid down snuggling with my old sleeping buddy. As I started to feel myself fall asleep I couldn’t help but picture that really pretty girl that was in the mirror with the short hair.

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Saturday Morning, Oct 3, 1987,
Starkville Mississippi.

I woke up at almost 7am from a disturbing dream, thankfully it was fading faster than I could remember, I had just woken up panicked. I stood up and stretched feeling oddly well rested, more so than normal. Then I caught a glimpse of the mirror hanging on my door, and I saw that girl looking back at me. Her short hair was wild and sticking up all over the place and the long dark blue sleep shirt hugged her shapely athletic body, I looked at her perplexed as she just stared back at me. After a few moments, I shook myself away from the mirror and the image that seems to be haunting me. Maybe a shower will help me snap out of this and wake up.

After a quick check to make sure my parents weren’t up or nearby, I made a dash into the bathroom and closed the door. I turned the water on, grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste and hopped into the shower. Figured if I brushed my teeth in the shower there would be less chance of me staring into the mirror again. I tried to keep detached while I was washing, which I was usually really good at, but my mind drifted back to the way Jen touched me last night. I know she was just in shock and it was out of curiosity, but I just remembered how good it felt. I mean my breasts have been touched before, by doctors and nurses who gave them a clinical exam, you know a squeeze here, twist there, and by myself who just tried to mash them out of existence. Curiosity got the better of me, so while I was soaping them up I started washing with gentle circular motions, I closed my eyes enjoying that moment. The tingle that went through my body when I ran over my nipples though almost took my breath away, and as I realized what I had just been doing I jerked my hands away as quickly as possible. Okay that’s it, I’m done washing, so I let the water rinse me off without having to touch my body in any way shape or form. A few minutes later I was in my room, I need a good long run. I can always sort things out when it’s just me, the wind, and the trail.

I didn’t have any choice but to wear the bra again, Jen seemed to have not put my ace bandages in the bag, dammit! Back to my baggy sweatshirt, hopefully I don’t run into many people on the trail. As I was finishing my quick breakfast the phone rang and it was Jen.

“Morning sunshine! I hope I didn’t wake you up, I just wanted to see if you still wanted to come over today, for our, um, study date.” She said right off.

“Yeah I was still going to if you wanted me to. I just have to go run this morning, I need to, um, catch up from missing it last night, I can call you when I get back and get cleaned up. Oh by the way where the hell are my ace bandages?” I demanded.

“I told you that you weren’t binding with those again Robbie, they hurt you and can cause problems with how tightly you bound them. Besides I talked with Mom after you left and we have a better safer idea. Just bring a change of clothes and come straight here after your run, you can shower here okay? Pretty please with sugar on top!!” She teased.

“Ugh, Fine I’ll just head over there when I’m done with my run, so you can stop before you get any cheesier than you’ve already gotten.”, I laughed. We said our goodbyes and I was off to clear my head.

When I got back to my car after my run and cool down period, my head was still just as mixed up as before. I checked my time and wasn’t too happy, I couldn’t push myself like normal. Even with the sports bra the bouncing kept me distracted, my normal pace made them hurt. I had planned on doing 7 miles this morning, but after 5 I had to quit. Instead of being able to clear my head it was just as muddled as before, still really confused, I headed on to Jennifer’s house.

No sooner had I knocked, the door flew open and she pulled me into the house into a hug, quickly letting go as soon as she felt how wet I still was from the run.

“Yuck! Let’s get you showered up, Mom had to run to work to check on some stuff and was going to bring lunch home. She said she didn’t want you to feel sorry for us and have to cook again.” She laughed as she pulled me up the stairs. When we got to her room she took my bag of clothes and handed me the robe again.

“Hey! I can just dress in the bathroom” I said and reached for my clothes.

Slapping my hand, she said, “I know you can, but I have something for you to put on that heat rash and bruises you had last night. I’ll set your clothes on the bed.

Not wanting to argue I just went and took a shower. Ugh I forgot all the perfumed soaps and stuff, I should have brought my own, I grumbled. When I finished and got back into her room I saw the clothes I had brought lying on the bed, with another set of clothes next to them. When I pointed at the other set she just shushed me and started applying a lotion to the red splotchy areas, except when she got to close to the more sensitive areas she just grinned and handed me the tube.

As I was finishing she said, “Look I’m not trying to force you to do anything you don’t want, but I did want you to have the option of wearing something that actually fit. Okay? Look I’ll go downstairs and you can decide Robbie, I’m not going to coerce you into anything. Just don’t lie to yourself okay.”

I just nodded at her, so she smiled and went downstairs leaving me with my choice. Not a problem so I started putting on my clothes. I was doing fine until It came time for me to bind, I didn’t see my bandages anywhere. Looking at the clothes she laid out I saw a bra, not just a sports bra either, lying there. Without any other options, I put it on, it took me a few minutes to figure it out, but eventually got it on. Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, but all I saw was that girl again. She was wearing a really pretty bra which held her breasts nicely, but she was wearing these ridiculously baggy jeans that looked like were cinched 6 inches just to fit her waist. I just slumped down on the bed still staring at the mirror, not even noticing the tears forming in my eyes. I sat like this for several minutes when Jen came back in to check on me.

“Robbie what’s wrong?” She said as she sat next to me put her arm around me. I just turned and started whimpering on her shoulder.

“Jen I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I know that I’m a guy in here “pointing to my head, “So I started putting on my clothes then I saw my reflection and saw a girl in the mirror wearing my clothes and I started feeling so ridiculous!!” I say, trying to keep from going into a full-blown cry.

Kissing my forehead, she whispers “Robbie, Sweetie. I know you’re struggling with who you think you are, but we both know that physically you are a girl. There is nothing wrong with wearing clothes that fit you, you don’t have to wear skirts or dresses or anything like that. I’m going to go back downstairs okay, it’s just me and mom here today with you. Wear whatever you think feels most comfortable to you. With that she gave my shoulder another squeeze and headed downstairs.

Looking at the girl staring back at me in the mirror I just say, “Fine you win today!” Ripping off the jeans and boxers I start staring at the underwear and other clothes. As I pick up the panties I noticed they look brand new, not old ones like she gave me last night. Maybe she accidently gave me a new pair, but they fit like a glove. The shorts were the same ones from last night, but she included a belt this time so it didn’t hang on my hips as badly. The top wasn’t just a tee-shirt though, it had a lower neck with buttons like a collarless polo shirt. Once everything was on I looked at the mirror and there she was, I could see her taunting me. I just shook my head and then without another glance at the mirror headed downstairs.

I noticed Jen was already on the couch with our biology books and notes, she just smiled at me for a moment when she saw me coming down the stairs. Before I could even get seated she started peppering me with study questions. I knew she was trying to get me out of my own head so I just gave her a grateful smile and started our back and forth quizzes. This went on for about an hour and a half before her mom got home carrying several bags, a few of them Chinese takeout. I didn’t pay attention to the other ones since I was starving at this point. She carried the rest of the bags to the laundry room and started a load of laundry before she came back and started opening food boxes. During the meal I will say that both of them did an admirable job of keeping our conversations away from being about me. After lunch Jen and I went back to the living room while her Mom busied herself around the house.

“How are you doing? Seriously.” She asked.

“Honestly I don’t know. I have moments where everything is fine and I’m actually content, other times everything is bothering me.” I replied.

She smiles weakly, “You still don’t know how to see yourself do you?”

I sigh, “No I don’t, I mean I know what I want to be, but I know logically I’ll never be. I am female in every aspect other than my chromosomes. Knowing it and accepting it though, I don’t know how to. If I accept it I feel like, I’ll be letting everyone down. Even more than I already have.” My vision starts to blur yet again from tears forming.

“STOP IT!” She almost yells. Then more softly, “I promise you haven’t let anyone down, other than not letting them in. Not letting me in, that hurt Robbie. I understand why, but we’re making up for that now okay. None of this is your fault, you know. You didn’t choose this, it just happened. Once you start accepting that I think you will be able to move forward a lot easier.

“Does it really matter if I accept it or not, I mean who could accept me if I all of a sudden became a girl?” I saw her start to get really mad, and I quickly realized my blunder. I blurt out before she can respond, “SORRY I wasn’t thinking, I know you and your Mom do.”

She calmed down, “I think a lot more would accept you than you think.” Grinning evilly, she said, “You better be glad you caught yourself there, I was about to smack you!”

With that we both started laughing and our conversation drifted back to more normal things, she could tell I needed a change of topic. We continue the lighter conversation for another half an hour, before her Mom knocked as she was opening the door.

“Hey you two, you’re going to need to start wrapping this up. Jen remember we’re going to grandma’s this evening. I just wanted to give Robbie the things you asked me to pick up when I was out today.” Mrs. Cook said.

“What things?” I ask while looking suspiciously at Jen.

“Before you get all upset just check it out okay? I gave your measurements to Mom and also she had an idea to help you hide your boobs.” Looking up at her Mom, she also said” With all the excitement this weekend I forgot about spending tomorrow with grandma, and thank you Mom for doing this for Robbie.”

I was trying to be upset, but honestly the curiosity was getting the best of me. She pulled several plain looking jeans out of a hamper, and some sports bras, and a few shirts. Then she handed me this weird looking tank top made of some strong elastic type materiel.

“This is a compression vest, its used after surgery for a patient to wear to keep their wound from pulling apart. It’s snug and tight, but it’s better than those ace bandages. It should work and be a lot cooler and more comfortable. Jenifer told me about the rash and the bruises you had from them, if you don’t mind I’d like to check it out. I just want to make sure you haven’t done any serious damage okay.”

I just slowly nod knowing they’re just wanting to help. I strip off the shirt and bra and turn towards Mrs. Cook. She tried to not let her surprise show while she examined me, finally after a few minutes she just said, “They look healthy, the bruising doesn’t appear very deep, and the rash is almost gone too.” She smiles and hands me the weird looking tank top which I struggle for a minute to get on and another minute to get my breasts adjusted and semi comfortable.

“That actually looks pretty good.”, Jen smiles. “How does it feel?”

I shake my head, “Not too bad, better than the bandages”. Looking in the mirror I smile, I don’t see too much of the girl in the mirror. My boobs are pretty compressed but not painfully so. Mrs. Cook then hands me a few pairs of jeans for me to try on. Realizing that technically we all three are female, I sigh, then slide the shorts off and slip the jeans on. They are snug but fit really well. I look in the mirror and realize that they give my hips and behind a noticeably female shape, but with the compression shirt it’s not all that bad. I then grab my regular sweatshirt and put it on, I actually look pretty good I decide. Not quite as shapeless as I look with my baggy jeans, but wearing these honestly just feel a lot better.

“You really didn’t have to spend all that on me Mrs. Cook, I don’t know how I can repay you for all this.” I say with my voice starting to crack.

“Baby with all the help you’ve given Jen with her classes it’s the least we can do okay”, she whispers while she hugs me.

I toss all the stuff she gave me, including the package of new panties Jen handed me with a grin and my change of clothes I didn’t use and throw them all in my backpack. Once I regain my composure we say our goodbye and Jen walks me out to my Ghia, she gives me a hug and says, “Hey it’s just one step at a time okay, please just don’t stop taking steps.”

“I won’t stop trying, that’s all I can promise right now. I just want to know how you got so smart.” I tease her.

“Well I do have a pretty good study partner”, she giggled and kissed me on the cheek. “See you Monday morning. Everything is going to be okay. It might get rough at times but you’re not alone, and you will be okay. I have faith in you.”

Once I got home Mom and Pop were doing their own thing, and the rest of the night was pretty uneventful. I couldn’t get what Jen told me out of my mind about taking steps, I just don’t know if I’m ready for where those steps will lead to.

Sunday was spent mostly at church; Mom was in the choir so we stayed long after the service was over. I’m just glad that we moved to this one, the last church we were at made it sound like we would go to hell for forgetting to dot our I’s and cross our t’s. I got in a light run and some calisthenics afterwards, and spent the rest of the evening trying to prepare for school the next morning. Between what I blurted out Friday, what I did to the football players, and the scene in the lunchroom I was starting to get afraid. What was scaring me the most though, that invisible armor I have had for so long, my shield from the world was gone and I couldn’t make it form back up for the life of me. Tomorrow I was going to school and I was going to be more vulnerable than I have ever felt. I cried myself to sleep that night holding Wicket for all I was worth.
 
 
Chapter 5
 
Monday, October 5th 1987,
Starkville Mississippi.

Other than not having to spend 20-30 minutes binding my chest, my morning started out about as normal as any other school day. As I was getting dressed I decided to forego my baggy ill-fitting jeans for my new ones Mrs. Cook gave me, figured since I pretty much outed myself I should at least be comfortable. The vest did a good enough job compressing my breasts I opted for one of the polo shirts Mom bought me a few months ago, and not on of my baggy sweatshirts. As long as I didn’t tuck the shirt in, it hung loose enough it didn’t really show off my hips and waist. As it was, I was ready to go half an hour before my parents even started stirring at 6. That gives me almost 2 hours before it was my normal time to make my appearance, and since I was so sick of worrying about everything that might happen I headed to the kitchen to stay busy. When Pop walked in to get the normal breakfast started he found me about half way done with large spinach cheese and sausage omelet I was making for our breakfast.

Surprised he asked, “Not that I mind at all, but what’s the occasion?”

I shrugged,” I woke up earlier than planned and couldn’t go back to sleep so thought I’d treat y’all to breakfast for a change.” Besides I thought, scrambled eggs, sausage, and biscuits were getting really old every day, a girl… GUY, I mean a guy! Can only take so much. Where the hell did that come from? Am I starting to see myself as a girl now? I mean I know I am but… Ugh this is going to be a long day already.
Mentally berating myself I continued on with my omelet, and Pop seeming in a good mood for not having to cook, headed back to the bedroom. About the time I was finished and setting the plates out they both came back in the kitchen both of them were surprised and pleased at the same time.

Mom asked, “Are You doing pretty good this morning? It looks like you are, it’s really good to see.” She smiled softly.

“I guess so, I think Jen and I are ready to kick this test’s butt” I lied. Well I really didn’t lie, we had a test today but it wasn’t going to be the total ball crusher we had made it out to be. I had to stifle a laugh at that thought, ball crusher… I wish that was possible. Then as we ate I was thinking about my mood, I’ve been afraid all weekend of what was sure to happen today. Now I guess I was feeling more resigned than anything. Maybe I’ve just burned through all the fear I had in me, but whatever is going to happen today is going to happen, and I’m just ready to get it over with. We actually had one of the most pleasant meals we have had in a long time. As I was getting up to rinse my plate, Mom noticed my attire.

“Sweetie you’re looking pretty sharp today, where did you get those jeans? We can never find any that fit like that.” Mom said.

I thought well yeah!! We’ve been shopping in the wrong section. “Jen’s Mom was actually getting ready to get rid of a bunch of jeans and she said I could have them if they fit. I just got lucky.” I lied yet again. I hate lying to them so much, but I can’t bear to tell them the truth. I hug them goodbye, and head off to my trusty old VW to face my fate.

I honestly had no clue what I was expecting, but when you prepare for the absolute worst possible things to happen and they don’t, it really throws you a curve ball. I was so focused on glancing at people’s faces expecting to see some kind of hateful stare or a look of disgust or anything like that. No, I received a few smiles and nods from people, I was so lost in trying to figure out what the hell was going on I almost ran right into the two Chris’. Startled, I was about to jump back, but they both crossed to the other side of the hall in a hurry and kept on their way. I was so confused and trying to figure out what was going on, I was in my seat in biology for a minute before I noticed Jen talking to me. “Huh? What did you say?”

She laughed, “I said, Hi there sexy. I like your outfit. What’s got you all out of sorts?”

I whispered,” I’m trying to figure out why people are smiling and stuff, the Chris’ all but ran from me a minute ago. I was expecting to be lynched when I got here after what I blurted out in health Friday.

She laughed, “After word got out that you took Perk down with your thumb and sat David on his ass in a matter of seconds, nobody remembers anything about health class. You know, I never knew my best friend was such a bad ass! Those guys have been taking a lot of kidding about that.”

“Oh crap, I’ve got to make that right. I need to apologize to them and hope they don’t kill me” I mutter.
“Robbie those two are pretty mad, are you crazy? Just let it die down first okay.”

“I can’t let it die down, I need to do it today before it gets blown even more out of proportion. It’s just the right thing to do.” I sigh.
She just gently smiled at me and then the teacher started. I guess all the studying paid off, Jen and I were the only two to ace the test that morning.

The rest of the day continued in pretty much the same way. The bullies that usually stalk me were avoiding me, people who usually ignored me kept speaking and nodding at me in passing. It was weird to say the least. I noticed something else, before today I never really participated in class. My shield that I thought was protecting me was actually isolating me, today I found myself raising my hand a few times in class to my teachers and classmates surprise.

I sat at my normal table in the corner for lunch and within minutes Jen just plopped right on down across for me. “Jen I appreciate you sitting here, but I figured you’d be sitting with Alicia and the crew today.

She looked sternly at me, “Hey! I can sit with whatever friends I want!”

“Hey I know that, just stop. I just didn’t want you to commit social suicide hanging with me in school is all. I know I’m your friend, I just also know I’m not your only friend.” I gently fussed back at her.

She relaxed a bit and smiled at me and then giggled, “Robbie I know that, and I appreciate that you’re worried about my social standing. I wanted you to know that I talked to David and Perk in my earlier classes and told them what you were intending to do, they thought it was crazy of you but a cool kind of crazy. I just didn’t want them to hurt you okay. Oh, and remember you’re a bad ass now, so you’re not hurting my social standing.” She laughed.

I shook my head laughing and said, “Well thank god for that at least.”

With that she got up to head back to her girlfriends, she giggled and told me, “Oh I just wanted to let you know, with your new outfit Alicia thinks you’re pretty cute.”

I groan and drop my head to the table, great that’s just want I need now. I finish up lunch and the rest of the day pretty much goes the same way. I did finally catch up to Perk and David after class and properly apologized.

“Yeah Jen told us you wanted to do this, she also said that you had been dealing with a bunch of stuff and was having a really bad day. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone say they were sorry for kicking my ass before.” Perk joked.

David laughed and said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone put you on your ass like that, even on the field.”

Perk glared at him, “Well, look who’s talking I remember you going down pretty quick too.

David shrugged, “Hell I get hit harder than that in practice.

“True. “Perk said laughing at David, then more seriously he asked me, “You alright now dude?”

“Yeah I think I am, I will have to see but it looks like things are improving, again I’m so sorry for what I did the other day.”

He slapped me on the back HARD, the big dude has no clue of his strength, “It’s cool, besides I don’t want to be upset at the guy that helps me in class. Coach will bench me if I drop below a C, oh unless you want to be forced into football tryouts I’d keep a distance from the coach. He heard how quick you ran through us two.” Him and David actually laughed.

I shook my head and said, “Yeah that ain’t going to happen?”

The rest of the evening was even more uneventful, I got home, finished homework, even ate dinner with my parents and even watched some TV with Mom. I could tell they were pleasantly surprised that I didn’t just hold up in my room, but didn’t say anything. Maybe they were afraid they would jinx it, I wouldn’t blame them honestly.

As I was lying in bed that night thinking about the day, I actually felt relieved. Maybe my life is finally looking up and I hope I can ride this wave for whatever it is worth. I dared think that I actually felt happy that the day worked out like it did, I didn’t even see the girl in my reflection today. As I was drifting to sleep I was totally at peace without a worry in the world. If I had of only known that it was just the calm before the storm.
The rest of the week people kept treating me the same, I became more participative in class. I was actually feeling good about the way things were starting to go. Jen and I didn’t hang out but a couple of nights that week, she didn’t even attempt to get me to change into anything else at her house. Things were going great, I even thought I was finished with seeing that girl in the mirror. Except I wasn’t. Late Tuesday evening, I started getting glimpses of her when I looked in the mirror but I could blink a few times and she would disappear. Wednesday, I couldn’t make her disappear though, and I saw her EVERY time I looked in the mirror. By Thursday every time I passed a mirror I’d see her, I’d even see her in a window reflection out of the corner of my eye. At this point I was getting really distracted, I felt like she was starting to haunt me. Jen even commented on it and was worried. Then by Thursday night she invaded my dreams.

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I have dreams all the time, I know that, but I never can remember anything about them, no matter how bad or good they are. This dream was so vivid though, I know I will remember it for the rest of my life. She appeared while I was having a dream about something else, I really don’t remember what it was about but whatever it was about just faded when she appeared. She was wearing this light flowery print dress that showed a small amount of cleavage and the hem was just above her knees and flapping in the breeze. Her hair was still short but just a bit longer than mine is currently, and I think she had a tiny bit of makeup on. She was stunning.

“Robbie we need to talk.” She said. Or I think she said it, but I don’t remember seeing her mouth move out of the sad smile she had.
“I don’t want to talk to you! Why won’t you leave me alone!” I demanded.

“Robbie you have been fighting me for so long, but now you’ve finally seen me. I can’t go away, I won’t. You know that we’re one and the same, quit hiding me, us, from the world. Quit being ashamed of what we are.”

“No we aren’t the same, we can’t be,” I start to cry. “If we’re the same than you know the shame our parents have of us. If you are me, then you know the looks of pain they have and how much it hurts me to know that I’ve caused it, because of YOU!!” I was getting frantic.

She looked pained and responded, “Robbie you misunderstand so much…”

I interrupt her screaming, “NO!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!”

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I woke up in a full-blown panic, and just laid there crying and shaking from the intensity of the dream as it overwhelmed me. I finally looked at my alarm clock, it was 3:15 in the morning. Needless to say, I didn’t go back to sleep.

When I got to my first-class Jen immediately was alarmed at my appearance. I was back to the super baggy clothes and I’m sure my eyes were bloodshot between the lack of sleep and crying I’ve been doing.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, hesitantly touching my arm.

“I really didn’t sleep good at all, I only got about 4 hours of sleep is all. I’ll be okay.” I weakly smile at her. I wasn’t ready to fill her in on the dream and everything else, I was trying to make sense of it myself.

“Why are you wearing those things again? I thought you were over that stuff.”, She asked me suspiciously.

“Jen look, I just didn’t get to do laundry last night, the other jeans are all dirty is all. I’ll be fine once I get some more sleep okay.”, I all but begged her so she would stop before she asked questions I don’t think I could answer at the moment.

The rest of the day I was pretty sullen and kept making the excuse to people that I just didn’t sleep well. It was the truth, just not all of it. At the end of the day Jen was trying to get me to come over, but I declined telling her I just wanted to get caught up on my sleep. That evening I stayed in my room, I just didn’t want to face anyone else after school. I think mom knocked on my door every hour on the dot, asking if I was okay.

As I was getting ready for bed I was staring intently at my mirror, I was wearing the sleep shirt even though I had been determined not to, and my hair I noticed was getting longer than I had ever let it get before. She was just silently staring back at me while I was examining her, it was like we were both studying each other looking for a weakness. When I finally laid down I was determined that tomorrow first thing I was headed to the barber shop to get this mop cut, and then I was going to drop the sleepshirts and jeans off at Jen’s. That would have to help make this girl stop haunting me, I have to get rid of her before she gets an even stronger foothold. With those thoughts, I finally fell into a fitful sleep.

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When I came to, or so I thought, I was surrounded by this fog, I couldn’t see anything but myself and this odd haze. I was looking around trying to figure out what was going on and where I was when I heard her. The voice seemed to come from all directions.

“You need to see something, it will be hard for you, but you still need to see it anyway. It will help you decide if it will be worth it to keep struggling like you have.

I know at this point it’s a dream so I start shouting and yelling and jumping around hoping it would wake me up.
“That won’t work Robbie, you have to see what I am about to show you.”

I start yelling at her, “There is nothing that you can show me that will help me, you are trying to ruin my life!! Just leave me ALONE!!”
“No dear Robbie, I am only trying to help you.” She says as she materialized of the fog. She’s wearing the same flowery dress, but this time her dark blonde hair was past her shoulders. She was beautiful but she looked very sad.

“This will be hard for you to see, but you have to see this. You have to understand it; it will make accepting our condition so much easier for you.” She said as she motioned to the side, where the fog seemed to open up.

As I looked through the opening in the fog I saw my school and as the view started zooming in I saw this guy that I didn’t recognize. He was hanging out with a few of the football crowd, Perk being one of them. Looking closer he wasn’t quite as tall, but looked just as muscular as the big lineman. As the scene got even closer I could hear their conversation they were having and laughing about.

“Dude are you ever going to learn that you’re never going to get into Jennifer’s pants?” Perk told the other jock.

“Hey it’s just a matter of time before she gives in to this,” He says flexing his arm. “She’ll give in. They all do.”

I bristle listing to them talking about Jen like that and yell at the vision, “She would never go out with you, asshole!! She has better self-respect than that!!”

“Robbie they can’t hear you or see you” Her voice states.

Frustrated I just keep watching, I don’t know who this ass is but I’ll never let him get close to Jen. They keep talking as they walk through the courtyard they were in.

“So you getting off the bench this next game?” Perk asks him.

“Yeah I finally got that D that dyke coach gave me up to a C, I’m good for this Friday’s game against West Point.”, The guy says laughing. I’m just getting angrier and angrier. A moment later I see the big guy smile at Perk, and then step to the side to run into Brent, a friend and another nerd like me, knocking him down. “Hey watch where you’re going four-eyes!” The guy then yells at the much smaller Brent.

“Why the hell are you showing me this!”, I yell at the voice since she’s disappeared again.

“Robbie I am just showing you what might have come to pass.” The voice said. Even more confused I keep watching, trying to place the guy in case I ever do see him, I’ll kill him before I let him near my friends.

I look back at the vision and the guys have just entered the lunch room and are making a beeline to Jen and Alicia’s table, I am getting even more livid. Then the gorilla speaks to Jen.

“Hey sweet cheeks, you and me are going out after we decimate the Green Wave Friday night, there’s going to be a killer party out in the Johnsons barn.”

Jen just rolls her eyes and looks like she’s trying to ignore him. All the other girls are looking uncomfortable, hell even Perk is looking a bit bothered at his friend’s comments.

“Hey why don’t you answer me and quit being a stuck-up bitch”, the guy almost yells at Jen. Every muscle in my body is tensed up, I feel like I am about to explode I am so angry. The next thing I hear hits me in the gut taking all the wind and fight right out of me.

Jen does yell at him with tears in her eyes, “You are the most selfish, brainless oaf in this school I would never go out with you if you were the last person alive asshole!” She starts to turn on the guy grabs her arm and starts turning her to face him and she slaps the hell out of him, “GO TO HELL ROB!!”

The scene completely disappears at that point and I’m still alone stunned, I yell out “What the hell did you just show me!!”

“Robbie, you just saw what would have happened had we not been together in this life.” The voice said as it sounded like it was drifting further away.

“WHAT?!?! That wasn’t me! I would have never been like that!! You’re lying!! I’m not like that!!” I yell to the fog.

Barely perceptible in the distance I hear the voice say, “I know. You aren’t like that, but you would have been.” Then the dream faded.

---

I woke up suddenly and my body was shaking so bad from my sobbing it hurt. I lay there curled up with my stuffed Wicket and cried for what seemed like forever. There is no way I would ever have been like that; it was just a dream. A really vivid and intense dream but still just a dream, I kept trying to convince myself. It really didn’t feel like a dream though, everything felt so real. After lying there for a bit longer I realize I have to get up to pee. I quickly head to the bathroom and do my business, as I’m washing my hands I see my reflection. There the girl is, hair all messed up wearing that sleepshirt that hugs all of her curves. I stare at her for a few minutes and I feel all that rage and anger from the dream start building back up and then I scream at her. “YOU”RE LYING!! I NEVER WOULD HAVE BECOME THAT WAY!!!” and hit the mirror, thankfully not hard enough to break it or my hand but still pretty hard. I storm off to the kitchen to get something to drink, my throat is raw from all the crying I’ve been doing.

I poured a glass of milk, and was watching the squirrels play in the back yard trying to distract myself from everything that had happened. Then I heard Mom’s voice.

“Robbie are you okay? You woke us up when we heard you yell…Oh my GOD!!!”, She started to say. The surprise evident in her voice though when she saw me in that sleepshirt, after all I had started binding since they started going their major growth spurt. She had never seen just how big they have gotten, or just how curvy my body had become. The sleepshirt was form fitting and left nothing hidden.
“Mom!! Oh, crap, I’m so sorry you saw me like this, I wasn’t thinking!” I blurted out as I tried to pass her and return to my room. She stopped me and embraced me, which got me to crying again. She just held me as I cried and I kept trying to get words out. No matter how bad it will hurt her I decide I’ve got to tell her, everything.

“Mom”, I sniff. “There is so much I need to tell you.” I start to step back so I can look at her when I hear my Step-Dad.
“Just what in the Sam blazes is all this about!!” He stays sternly, the Colonial coming out in him. He was after all a Colonial in the Army Reserves, and “he” comes out every now and then when he gets upset. That just put me immediately on edge, as if I wasn’t before, just worse.

“What the?!” He stammers when he gets a good look at me, clearly shocked. He immediately looks away from me. I start to feel ashamed that they are both seeing me, but it quickly gets converted to the anger I already had built up from my dream.

“Honey just wait,” Mom tells him “we have a lot to talk about it seems. Just calm down and we can discuss it rationally okay.”

Still not looking directly at me, he starts off, “Well yeah we do it seems, it’s just that. Um don’t you think he should change into something more presentable?”

Furious I blurt out, “What is wrong with what I’m wearing! It’s just a sleepshirt! What’s wrong with it? Is it because it’s a girl’s sleepshirt and you don’t think your SON should be wearing it!”

Completely caught off guard with my outburst, he stammers for a second then says, “Umm yeah, but…”

I totally interrupt him yelling, “Fine then if you don’t think your son should wear this!” I rip my sleepshirt off and just stand there defiantly only wearing my panties. My breasts, a full C according to Jen, proudly displayed for all to see. They are both completely silent, shock clearly written all over their faces. Softly I add, “I’m not your son anymore, and I haven’t been in a long time.”

After a split second I realized what I had just done and started crying all over again, taking advantage of their shock I ran past them to my room and locked the door. Less than a minute later Mom knocks on the door. “Robbie, baby, please open the door. Please baby I need to talk to you. C’mon and open the door.” She begs.

“Leave me alone”, I cry. “I can’t talk to you right now!”

“Just calm down sweetie, it will be okay. Look when you’re ready I’ll be in the living room. Please come talk to me.” The tears were evident in her voice as well.

I heard her walk away from my door crying. Sitting there thinking about what I had just done, the anger I had pent up started morphing back into shame. I had just flashed my parents after yelling at them, how am I supposed to face them now if ever. There isn’t a way possible that they aren’t going to hate me. At that moment, I decided that I have got to get out of here. I grabbed my biking shorts that I normally wear when working out in my room, slip on a sports bra and one of the t-shirts that Jens mom gave me, slip on my running shoes and throw all the extra stuff in my backpack. As quietly as I could I slid open my window and snuck out, looking around the corner of the house I saw my Ghia and made a dash for it. As I was pulling out they both came running outside waving their hands. I quickly just dropped him into 1st gear and took off, with no clue where I was headed other than away.
 
 
Chapter 6
 
I wish I could say I had a destination or even that I drove around for hours trying to work things out. Starkville just wasn’t that big, after 40 minutes I had circled the town 3 times and crossed it maybe 4 and was no better off than when I started. I had so much energy running through me, I’m not saying I was energetic but the stress, anxiety, shame, and anger was fueling my emotions and thoughts. They were all over the place, and I only could think of one way to burn off that energy and maybe think. Due to the clothes, I was wearing I couldn’t go to my regular tracks or paths, as most of the people that used them knew me and my car, it was that unique. Hell, just about the entire town knew my car and whose it was, considering my Step-Dad, Mom, Step-sister, one of my Brother-in-laws, and myself have been driving this thing around here since 1980.

What had persuaded me to grab the clothes I had on? Tight black biker shorts and a light blue women’s tee-shirt felt like a second skin, I’m even wearing a sports bra and not the compression vest. I kept trying to tell myself that it was just the first things I could grab but that didn’t feel right. I felt that in my panic that my subconscious was in the driver’s seat and that’s what it wanted to wear. At least that’s what I was trying not to think at least. I knew a place where I could park where I could leave the Ghia on the college campus unnoticed, there were also enough students at the college that no one would recognize me running and I’ll just blend in.

When I parked the little Ghia at Eckie’s pond on campus I was lucky there wasn’t anyone I knew there, but I still hopped out of the car and got some distance just in case. As I started my run I tried to just focus on my breathing, the wind, and also not getting run over was a big one. I think I was somewhere in the middle of my second mile when I had cleared my head enough to start thinking a bit more clearly. First I have to tackle the dreams, and the girl that had been taunting me in the mirror. I knew it was my subconscious messing with me, after all with everything else I was dealing with the thought of an imaginary girl possessing me just wasn’t a thought I could entertain.

Since it can’t be a ghost girl, I just can’t handle any more complications, it has to be my subconscious. I started trying to remember the first time I saw her in the mirror, and it hit me that it was when I told Jen about me. My fuzzy mirror syndrome didn’t kick in and I saw me, all of me. Fuzzy mirror syndrome is something I coined what I did to cope as my changes first started appearing, I could focus on one part but everything else would be blurry. Seeing that girl and then that whole evening with Jen was nice, it was one of the first pleasant moments in my life that I’ve had since everything started. I felt a sense of peace I hadn’t felt in a long time. Could that be why I keep seeing her? I found a small moment of peace and my subconscious is wanting that to continue. I checked my time and see I’m approaching somewhere close to my 4th mile.

Okay dreams are the same type of thing, maybe they were created for the same reason. What I saw in the last dream though, why would it make something up like that. Could I really have turned out to be that animal? I started pulling everything I could remember from Biology and Health class and everything else I’ve read about hormones. Testosterone, I remember, is evolutions way of helping the perpetuation of the species. It is responsible for aggression, the need to procreate, the higher chances of taking risks, typically the more testosterone one has the more of a need to be an alpha male. I started picturing that guy I would supposedly have been, he was strong, aggressive, and seemed to have sex on the brain. Could that have overridden who I thought I really was? Then I remembered that currently I have a higher than normal estrogen level for a girl my age, if I had fully been male would I have had an excess of testosterone? If all that testosterone was unchecked, I realized it could have been very possible. It was a chilling thought, checking my time again I noted I should be in the middle of my 6th mile.

I then started to think what estrogen was typically responsible for, more nurturing and caring behavior, better communication skills were just a few I could think of not counting the breasts that were currently trying to escape from the bra. I starting thinking about my friendship with Jen and realize that we really had become closer friends because of our long talks, mutual consideration of each other among the big things. She never actually liked or hung around any other boys when we were younger, said they were annoying. I then realized that even if I hadn’t of turned into that mindless bully that Jen and I probably wouldn’t have become the friends that we were. I would have just been one of those annoying boys. I started to feel tears forming and it was strange, I was no longer that upset. Why was I starting to cry, I mean it wasn’t a strong boo hoo type of cry? I was thankful for my friendship and closeness with her. I couldn’t bring myself to say they were tears of joy, but I definitely wasn’t sad or upset. Checking my time, I should be finishing up with my 8th mile so I headed to my car. There is something I need to see and I can only think of one person right now who could help me see it.

About 45 minutes later I pull up and park at Jen’s house, I barely make it half way to the door when her and her Mom come rushing out to grab me in a fierce hug.

“Oh my God Robbie we were so worried about you,” Jen blurted out as she and Mrs. Cook tried to squeeze all the air from me.

“I’m okay, what is going on? Why would you be worried?” I said trying to get my breath back.

“Robbie, your Mom called us just a few minutes after you left this morning. She told us what happened. That was close to 4 hours ago sweetie, we’ve been thinking the worst.” Mrs. Cook said to me softly.

“Oh… I didn’t know what to do and I panicked”, I said softly. The memory of this morning came back to me, and what I did to upset them. Then I took off like I did, just causing more problems. “They’re going to be so mad at me, I’m such an idiot!” The tears falling in full force by this time.

Jen still hugging me, told me softly, “You need to call her to let her know you’re safe.”

“I don’t know what to say to her, she’s going to be so angry with me. I keep disappointing them.” I manage to get out between sobs.

“Baby lets come inside okay, I’ll give her a call and you can talk when ready. When I get off the phone with her you can tell us why you came here and didn’t go home.” Mrs. Cook said to me gently. I just nod my head and we went inside.

When we walk in her Mom makes a beeline to their phone in the kitchen and Jen and I head to the living room. On the way to the couch, she grabs a box of Kleenex and we proceed to sit down with her right next to me. With both of us still teary eyed she hands me a few and grabs a couple for her and we start wiping our eyes.

With a small laugh, she tells me, “Girl you have got to quit causing all of these crying sessions, I don’t want to be all dried up by the time I get married.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that, both of us then broke out in laughter.

“Thank you I needed that”, I told her still slightly giggling and a few tears still falling. I gently reached out and gave her hand a small squeeze.
“You don’t have to thank me for that, that’s what best friends are for”, She says then suddenly her eyes open really wide. “Robbie I just realized what I said, I didn’t mean to call you a girl. I’m sorry!”

“Shh Jen it’s okay, I’ve pretty much accepted that fact. It’s okay.” I whisper. “I don’t mind it, I mean it’s still kind of weird actually hearing it, but I really don’t mind.”

“Really?” She asks. When I just nod, she leans over and gives me a big hug. “I’m so glad you have; I’ve been praying really hard the past few days that you could. I mean, um, I just thought that until you did you were going to be stuck in that weird limbo you’ve been in.” We sit there on the couch in that totally soul cleansing hug until her Mom walked in a minute or two later and sits down.

“Okay Robbie you are going to have to talk to her soon, she’s so relieved you’re safe, but she’s going to need to hear from you in the next hour or so.” Mrs. Cook tells me. “So can you tell us why you came here and didn’t go home?”

“I’m still scared to face my parents after this morning, strike that I’m terrified. I was so angry and so upset, I don’t know if they can ever forgive me for what I did.” I say my voice starting to crack.

“Sweetie, when she called she told us you had a major incident, but she was trying not to say too much. I ended up telling her that we knew everything, about what had happened at school and then here later.” Seeing the surprised on my face at that she quickly added, “Don’t worry she wasn’t upset at you for telling us, she was actually thankful that you had let us in. That you had someone that you were comfortable to open up to. That’s the only reason she isn’t coming over right now, since you feel comfortable enough with us she hoped you would talk to us. So, baby, why did you come here.” Mrs. Cook told me gently.

For the next hour, I told them about the girl in the mirror and how she had been haunting me, even how she appeared in my dreams. I then told them about the guy I supposedly would have been and then my thoughts I that I had had on my run this morning. Once I finished I just looked at them expectantly, after a few moments Jen finally smiled and spoke.

“Robbie, I can’t imagine that you could have ever been a guy like that. I mean I understand your logic behind the possibility. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but the more that I have thought about it I realized something. In all these years of being my friend I never once ever thought of you as a guy.” As I started to say something she continued, “Wait let me finish okay. I am meaning that all the other boys were so rambunctious and they were always trying to “prove” themselves by acting tough and bossy. You were never like that, you actually talked to me and not at me like the other boys. You cared about what I wanted to do and you’d talk with me about anything. Now I’ve noticed other things, you call your car him, every other guy I know refers to his car as her. You’ve always liked to do nice things for other people, not to be recognized but just to do them. When you cooked for us the other night was one of those times.” She paused smiling for a few moments before continuing. “You know, I’ve never had a really close girlfriend, I mean I have girlfriends, but not a really close one that I can share everything with. With this past week though I started to realize that I already had one though, in you.”

Mrs. Cook was smiling really proudly at her daughter, then she turned to me and asked, “Robbie I get the feeling that you came here for more than just to tell us all this. Is there something else that you’d need us to help you with?”

I nodded, taking a deep breath to steel my resolve, I say, “This may sound really strange, probably because it is. I’ve been fighting so hard to be perceived and look like a boy, now that I’ve mostly accepted the fact that I’m not, I need to see something. Seeing the girl in my dreams, I know that girl is supposed to be me but imagining it in a dream is one thing… I need to physically see it… If that makes sense.”

“You want us to help you be a girl?” Her mom asks. I just nod my head. Her and Jen share a knowing look with each other, then her Mom smiles at me and says, “I think we can help you with that sweetie.”

Jen asks, “You want just a dress and makeup or do you want the whole package?”

“Jen If you can, I need to see myself 100% female, as if I’ve been living as a girl my whole life.” I say softly.

Jen gives me a warm smile and tells me, “Well not much we can do about your hair, but I think we can do the rest. We need to get started though.” She stands up and holds out her hand to me, I take it and she helps pull me off the couch and we then head up to her room.
When we there she turns to me and asks, “I just want you to be 100% sure of this okay.”

“Jen I’m not 100% sure of anything, other than I have to see this. Remember your talk about taking steps? This is a step I know I’ll have to eventually make, I want to get it out of the way now. I have to do this.” I tell her, not sure if I’m trying to convince her or myself.

She tells me to strip out of everything but my panties and to sit down in her chair at her vanity. She then grabs a pair of tweezers and starts putting those two caterpillars over my eyes on a quick diet. I’m trying to keep my eyes closed while she works, trying not to think about what is happening. I mean I’m ready for this, but not fully ready. As she’s working on the second brow I open my eyes just a bit and see her face of concentration and break out in a fit of giggles.

“What’s so funny?” she demands.

Still laughing I tell her, “You looked so intense and the face you made was just too much.” I wrinkle my forehead, stick the tip of my tongue out the corner of my mouth, and cross my eyes just a bit.

“I don’t look like that”, She exclaims and gives me a slap on the arm, but at the same time she starts laughing again. Once we both recover she orders me to close my eyes and let her finish. Several minutes she is done and after she looks back and forth at each one to make sure they were even she steps back and gets this surprised look. “Oh wow!”, is all she says.

“What? How bad is it?”, I ask worried.

“Robbie… oh wow, I never thought that would make that much of a difference. It’s made you look…”, She pauses and turns me to look at the mirror in her vanity.

“Oh…” The look of surprise on the girl’s face looking back startles me. As I look closer and see how my brows are shaped it’s made my eye’s look more open, and almost changed the whole shape of my face. I knew I never looked masculine, androgynous at best, but with those thin feminine eyebrows I am having a hard time seeing anything of the old me in the mirror. Sighing I just say, “Well it’s too late to stop now, what’s next?”

She just smiles and hands me the robe, “C’mon next stop is in the bathroom.” She then waits for me to put on the robe and grabs my hand and leads me across the hall. After she closes the door she pulls the robe off and starts inspecting my legs and arms. “Ok I haven’t paid that much attention, I’m jealous now. The hair on your legs is light and blonde, also your armpits aren’t that bad. Here use this on your legs, and you’ll need to shave your armpits.” She then hands me a bottle of Nair, and a new pink razor out from the cabinet. After reading the instructions on the bottle I start applying it on my legs and as we wait she starts instructing me on what bottles to use in the shower and where. She stays in the bathroom and keeps shouting directions while I shower and shave. Upon getting out she shows me the proper way to dry off, and with my legs smooth they were so sensitive I appreciated the lesson. After we finished drying me she handed me a bottle of lotion and just said, “Everywhere pretty much.”

After putting the robe back on she leads me back to her bedroom and plops me right down at her vanity, facing me away from both her mirrors, “You don’t see anything until we’re done okay?” I just nod and let her get to work. While she starts applying my makeup she tells me what each item is and how you use it. I do my best to listen, but I started getting a bit scared just how far we are going with this. When she finally gets done she steps back and appraises her handiwork she smiles and says, “You are going to end up in trouble.”

“Jen let me see!”, I try to demand, but as nervous as I am it comes out barely above a whisper.

She shakes her head, “Not until we’re done remember.” With that she hands me a bra and panties which I put on and then she pulls this dress out of her closet and I almost start to hyperventilate. It looks like the same dress the girl was wearing in the dream. Concerned she asks, “Robbie what’s wrong?”

Taking a few deep breaths, I finally ask, “Jen where did you get that dress… It’s the one from my dream. Have I seen you wear it before or something?”

She covered her hand over her mouth and gasped, “No you haven’t, are you sure?” I just nod. “Robbie… Mom bought this dress earlier this week. It was supposed to be a surprise. “

“Surprise for what?” I stammer.

More softly Jen tells me, “Robbie with the steps you had made over the past week Mom and I thought that this day was coming and we wanted to be prepared. We just didn’t think it would be this soon.

Confused I asked, “You bought it for me? You prepared for this?” I started getting upset until she stopped me with a touch on my arm and gentle smile.

“Robbie all we have been doing is try to help you, I promise you that. Neither of us have tried to push any of this on you. We got this outfit for you because we wanted this moment when it happened to be as perfect as possible. If that is the dress you dreamed about, maybe it’s a sign from above telling you that it’s okay.” Grabbing a Kleenex, she started dabbing the tears that were forming and started to fuss, “Stop that before you ruin my masterpiece!” I couldn’t help but get tickled at that. When we quit giggling, she helped me into the dress and zipped it up, it felt like it was giving my body a soft hug wherever it touched me. “Wow that looks amazing on you.”

“Can I see now?” I ask impatiently.

“Not yet, here sit back down. Next most important part of the outfit. Shoes!” She giggles and grabs a shoebox. “Hope these fit, I tried on your sneakers and checked out their size figured you should be a 9 ½. Wish us luck.” With that she slid the heels on my feet. Thankfully they weren’t really high or with a really skinny heel. “These are only 2 ½ inch heels and shouldn’t be too hard to walk in, I’ll give you some pointers though.” She gently grabbed both hands and pulled me to my feet. I was a little bit wobbly for a few minutes as she walked me around. After a few minutes, I felt safe enough to walk without her holding my hand, I knew I wasn’t going to be running a marathon in them or anything but I thought I could manage.

“Ok ready for the big reveal?” I nodded still really nervous. She softly messed up my hair some, or so I thought, moving it in different directions. “At least you let your hair grow past that almost buzz cut you’ve had.” Then she turned me to face the mirror.

I don’t think there are enough words to describe just how stunned and in awe I was when I saw my reflection. I stepped closer to the mirror to get a better look, and try to see if I could find anything left of me. My long smooth runner’s legs in those heels looked amazing, the dress stopped a few inches above my knees and it flared out just a bit. As I looked further up I noticed the dress started fitting snug just above my hips and hugged my body the rest of the way up. The top part of the dress was low cut, not enough to be trashy, but just enough to be slightly sexy, and the straps left my arms bare which just added to the whole look. Then I started to examine my face, trying to figure out just how she had accomplished this. The way she did my eyes and with the thin brows it made my blue eyes just stand out and they demanded to be stared at. The only thing I saw that was out of the ordinary was my shorter hair, but even then, the haphazard way she styled it looked kind of like the way a few girls at school wear theirs.

I had no idea how long I just stared and admired the girl in the mirror, then it totally clicked, that girl was me. I was finally drawn out of my trance when I felt Jen move behind me and start putting her arms over my head. She dropped what looked like a locket around my neck and fastened it. “I thought this was appropriate, and I hope you like it.” As I looked in the mirror it rested right where my cleavage started, it was half of a heart with a jagged edge where the middle should be and the words Best etched in it.

“It looks like half a heart, where is the other part?” I asked.

Slowly she pulls her necklace out of her shirt and it’s a perfect match to what I’m wearing but etched in hers is the word Friends. I immediately get choked up and just grab her in a hug and whisper, “Forever and ever.” She just squeezes me back just as hard and we stay that way for a while before she finally breaks the hug and steps back.

“God those shoes make you so tall!! I feel the need to wear my heels so I don’t feel like a munchkin next to you.” She giggles and that sets us both off laughing. Then she asks, “You ready to show Mom? I think she will be really pleased.” I nod and after she fixes our our makeup, we head downstairs, I’m having to hold onto the railing just so I don’t fall and break my neck.

I’m not going to lie, once I got to the bottom of the stairs wearing those heels I felt like I had just accomplished something like scaling Everest. As we got to the living room Mrs. Cook came out of the kitchen and gave me this huge smile.

“Baby you look absolutely stunning! How are you feeling?” She asks me as she comes up to give me a hug.

“I think I’m doing pretty good, it’s all so… so… overwhelming? I think that’s the best word for what I’m feeling. I don’t know how I can ever thank you both enough for this.” I whisper to her feeling my eyes start to water up yet again.

“Robbie, you just did. Look you’ve been a friend of Jen’s for so long you are part of this family too. I’m just glad we could help.” She says looking like she’s about to cry as well.

Then I hear a very familiar voice coming from the kitchen, “Robbie? Oh my god! You are beautiful!!”

Turning towards the kitchen I see my Mom, and she has both of her hands holding over her mouth in surprise. Immediately panic hits me and I start to turn to flee up the stairs and Jen and her Mom both grab me to stop me. I cry, “Please let me go!!”

Mom immediately takes that chance to rush to me and envelop me in a hug, “Sweetie it’s okay, please don’t run away from me again. Please!!” She sobbed.

“Mom I’m so sorry I never meant for any of this to happen”, I manage to get out between sobs.

“It’s not your fault, why are you apologizing?”, She asked.

“Mom… You wanted me to be a boy, and I’ve tried so hard to be the son you wanted!! It’s been killing me hiding this from you, please don’t be upset with me anymore.” I beg her.

“Upset? Why do you think we’re upset? Baby we’ve been scared for you.” She pulls back some so she could look up into my tear streaked eyes.

“Mom!! I remember when you both got the results of my tests… I saw how ashamed you were…”, I sobbed and couldn’t look in her eyes.
“Baby we were never ashamed of you, EVER!!” she blurted out. “We were scared. We were afraid FOR you. We couldn’t imagine how you would handle this, and we didn’t know what we could do to help. None of the therapists around here wanted to try to give us any help, they had never dealt with anything like this before. We just tried to be there and let you find your way, but you never let us know how much you had changed. We didn’t know and I’m so so sorry baby. We just didn’t know what to do.”

“You mean all this time… All this time you weren’t ashamed? Or upset? Oh my god Mom I’m so sorry. I didn’t know” I say.

“I’m sorry you thought we were upset with you, or even worse ashamed. I’m so sorry for failing you!!” She says while shaking from her own cry.
It hit me at that point. My mom and Step-dad weren’t ashamed or angry with me, all the shame I had felt I had heaped on myself. My inability to open up with my own mother had caused me so much pain and in my depression, I had been hurting others indirectly. I look down at my mother, and through my tears I smile at her and tell her, “Mom you haven’t failed me… You’re here…” She immediately closed in for another long hug, we just sat there and cried, no longer a sad cry, on each other’s shoulders. Well her on my shoulders and me on the top of her head.
As we started to stop crying I look up at Jen and her mom, Mrs. Cook had her arm around Jen’s shoulders and it looks like they’ve both been crying as well.

I look directly at Jen and silently mouth the words, Now it’s perfect.

 
 
To Be Continued...