The potential fear rapidly shifted to a sort of amused acceptance when I declined to move further; or at least that's what I felt. Her heart was calming, and she began to smile back at me. Yes I was alive, and away from the darkness, and here (wherever here was) people were warm, and not ghostly imitations of I. She even began stroking my head, which felt nice.

“So, um... can you get off me? Let me get up?”

I considered that. I didn't want to, so simply snuggled closer. I knew the perfect word for this, and after a bit, I remembered how to say it.

“Warm.”

After a moment she nodded her head.

“I suppose I am a bit warm, at that. And you’re ice cold. Alright, I get that, but can you at least ease up a little? You're hurting me here.”

I looked at her again, curious. She didn't want to know she was alive? Maybe she didn't need the reminder? She gently took her hands, and tried to loosen my arms. I didn't want to allow that, but I also didn't want to make her mad... so I moved them apart, a little.

I was rewarded with a smile that broke like the dawn across her features. I tried to return the favor, and she made a weird facial expression. I did not care, I loved her anyway.

“Do you remember your name?”

Name? What was a name? I knew what memory was, a recollection of something old... or something lost. So whatever a name was, I could safely say I did not remember what it was. But I also did not know how to tell doctor this. I was floundering, sure I would disappoint my new friends with my failures when the nurse took over.

“You don't remember, do you?”

I thought back, the right response for assertion of a phrase like that seemed to be to nod, so I did.

“See! She does remember!”

I looked at doctor blankly. Nurse shook her head.

“No, I think she nodded to tell me she doesn't know.”

I pointed to her and nodded vigorously.

“Right, thought so. You don't remember the word 'no', do you?”

As soon as she spoke it, I did. A word used to express denial, dissent or refusal. Also expressed by shaking one's head. How delightful, to have a head to shake, and express these things! I beamed, then shook my head with glee. Nurse made another weird face.

“I think she just remembered.”

I nodded furiously.

“Right, well I'm Gracie, and that is Reginald.”

I looked at them both. Were they trying to mess with me? I had heard their names! I pointed to each in turn.

“Nurse. Doctor.”

“No, those are not our names. Those are more... titles. Um, what we do for a living. My name is Gracie, and his is Reginald. Can you tell me what yours is?”

Doctor was silent. He knew this... name thing, I knew he did. Why did they get two names, anyway? It seemed greedy to me. What happened when someone else wanted a name? Did they share?

“Self.”

Doctor made a funny noise, and leaked water from his mouth.

“What was that?”

I pointed to each of them again in turn, and then to myself.

“Nu... Gracie. Reg. Self.”

She shook her head, which made me angry. How dare she deny who I was? Or had I gotten her name wrong somehow? This was very confusing. Doctor snapped his fingers. Could I do that? That looked like fun! I had fingers! I looked from his to mine, unsure how to make the trick work. He pointed at himself, then Nurse, then me.

“Reginald. Gracie. Mary.”

That... a glimpse of something similar flashed through my mind, of many days answering to something that sounded so close, but not quite that word. Of syllables I could not completely recall, uttered by my... father? I had a father? A parent? What was that? Someone to live with? No, I couldn't get side tracked, this was important! This name thing alone was confusing enough! I started a new round of pointing.

“Gracie. Reg. Mary.”

Even I knew I did not call him Reginald. He would get mad. Gracie's voice held a tone of wonder.

“I think she remembers you, doctor.”

There it was again, was he Reg, or was he doctor? Was he doctor Reg? That was it, wasn't it? They were greedy, and had two names! I didn't really care all that much; the only thing that mattered is they were other 'selfs', and I wasn't alone anymore. But still, I tried to go along, otherwise they might leave me to the darkness again.

“Doctor Reg?”

He made a funny face, then sighed. I heard him mutter:

“And that's why I started insisting on my full name.”

Which didn't make any sense to me; he had been doing that from the beginning! Then he smiled at me and put his hand on my head.

“Can you walk? Come on, let's get you back to your room, away from this drafty old tower.”

I would go wherever they led.

Doctor Reg held out his hand, and after some hesitation placed my hand in his. That seemed to be the correct thing to do, because he nodded; but then he pulled at me.

“Mary, you really should let go of Gracie, so she can get up.”

I didn't want to.

“Warm.”

“Do you know what clothes are Mary?”

Clothes? No, I did not know what those are. I shook my head at Gracie, confused by the... question? Was that right?

“Clothes are these.' she took her coat in hand. 'and they help keep people warm.”

I knew what a coat was. Doctor Reg and Nurse Gracie were both wearing them. How could I not know what clothes were? They were the same thing! Why were there so many words for the same thing, anyway?

“And if you let me up, we can go to your room, and give you some clothes.”

I looked. I wasn't wearing any clothes. Maybe that was why I was cold? I nodded and let doctor Reg pull me up. Without nurse Gracie's warmth I started to cool. I didn't like that. Doctor Reg began pulling me to a door. The door was an opening that led other places, I remembered.

I fell of course. I felt little pain, but nurse Gracie rushed to my side.

“Mary, are you alright?”

I nodded., Then tried again. My body didn't want to work the way I wanted it to. I mean the legs worked, but they didn't seem to be listening to me or each other. Doctor Reg put his arm around me.

“One foot in front of the other Mary, not both at once. Watch nurse Gracie; that's right.”

With his support and an example (nurse Gracie walking very slowly for me, showing me every step in the process) I managed not to fall again. I was too thrilled at being able to just go somewhere else, on a whim, to be sad that I was so clumsy. After all, it was more complex than it looked!

The plain wooden door opened onto another sort of door, which slid open to reveal a small room. There was no other door, and I was confused by this, but I allowed myself to be led in just the same. The door slid closed again, and doctor Reg pushed something on a panel to the right of it. It lit up, and the room began to move!

The room itself was going places!

Enchanted, I moved closer to the panel. There were two round things on it, one was bright, and doctor Reg had pushed that one to make the room move. I pushed it again, and nothing happened. So I pushed the other one, and it got bright too. Nurse Gracie smiled at me, and I smiled back.

Doctor Reg shook his head and muttered something about “kids.” Did I do something wrong?

The room chimed, then stopped. Nurse Gracie got out first, with Doctor Reg pulling me out quickly. We were in another place; the door slid shut again with another chime, and I hoped I'd be able to go back to the room that moved, but for now I was in a long hall with doors to either side.

So many places to go! So many places that were not self! Things to do! Doctor Reg spoke:

“That door leads to my room. That door leads to the library. And that door leads to nurse Gracie's room. And the door next to it, leads to your room Mary.”

There were many more doors in the hall before it turned to the right, but it seemed I wouldn't get to hear what was beyond them. I was sad about that. But doctor Reg opened the door on my room, and I saw immediately, the same space I remembered from before, with the dolls and toys and window from which I watched the traitorous moon.

It was up there again, hanging there as if it had every right to be there, after the trick it pulled on me. There was no music. I frowned and stumbled to the stereo like device, pulling doctor Reg along. I didn't want the music to desert me too! I wanted to have it all! I didn't care if that was greedy.

I paid careful attention as he pushed the red glowing... button. Yes, that was what it was called. The device clicked, made whirring noises, and a familiar song began to play. I tracked the sound to four small but loud speakers bolted to the corners of the room, and the bass speaker under the device. 'sing sing sing, by Benny Goodman' my mind supplied. I wanted to dance, but I could barely stand, so I settled for grinning madly.

Nurse Gracie was searching some sort of cabinet large enough to walk in. She muttered things I could not hear over the music, but I clearly understood the words:

“Didn't you bother updating this, doctor? Some of these clothes seem to be from the days of hair bands.”

What was a hair band? Was that like Kiss? Wait, what was Kiss? I almost missed his response as I opened the top of the cabinet the device was in and found... was that a television? It looked so small! With a bunch of miniature records in plastic cases place in cubby's to either side of it.

“Well It just didn't seem important after the first few years.”

“Men. Mad scientist types' she eyed me rather piercingly. 'she's going to have enough trouble as it is without walking around in clothes twenty years out of date.”

Her stare made me sad. Then she was there, putting something over my head. It wasn't a coat, but it was long, and had places for my arms to fit into.

“There, no more free show for 'Doctor Reg.'”

Her tone implied laughter, so I smiled again. She wasn't rejecting me after all.

“I notice you updated the television.”

Doctor Reg's eyes got wide a moment. Curious, I tried to widen my eyes too. It seemed to work.

“Well, can't have her waking up to some CRT monstrosity. I went with the LCD a while back.”

Nurse Gracie made a tsking noise. Curious about that too, I tried to imitate it. That one didn't work too well.

“You know, you could have just asked me, I mean I do live here, you know. I dust the place every week. It wouldn't have been a problem to keep her closet up to date.”

Doctor Reg muttered something again. I didn't catch that phrase either; instead I widened my eyes again.

“Whatever you old skinflint; It's not your money anyway, and I'll go tomorrow.”

I noticed a problem. The clothes were not warm. Nurse Gracie had said they would be but I was still cold. I quit staring at the television (which couldn't really be a television, after all it just wasn't big enough) and walked (or stumbled) over to nurse Gracie.

“No warm.”

That wasn't quite right, and I knew it. She looked over, and I looked up into her eyes, plucking on my clothes.

“No warm?”

“Oh, I'm sorry Mary, it will warm up in just a little bit. It will trap your body heat.. ' She steadied me with one hand while reaching down to my head. 'which of course you don't have. I should have known. Alright then, it's time to get some heat in here.”

Doctor Reg did the wide eyed face again.

“But it's August!”

Nurse Gracie whirled around so fast I almost ran into her; luckily the hand she was using to steady me with didn't move much. I wanted to see her face but I couldn't. Her voice sounded scary though; a bit growly.

“She's cold, Reginald. Your friend, the focus of your entire life, is awake and cold.”

Doctor Reg ran a hand through his hair and blew out air. I mimicked him, and he smiled at me. I'd done it right! I smiled back.

“Alright, it's a bit too early to be turning the heat on, but I'll start a fire in the fireplace. We'll just have to keep her away from it.”

“You think it'll be a problem?”

“She's essentially a kid again. I can see it cropping up, along with hot pans and looking both ways before crossing the street. Especially looking both ways before crossing the street.”

And then he was gone, out the door. I wanted to follow, but nurse Gracie stopped me.

“Don't worry, he will be back. He's just going to get some things to help you feel warm.”
They were both so nice to me. I wasn't even mad that nurse Gracie had been wrong about the clothes.

“So... do you recognize anything?”

Recognition was the identifying of something previously known or seen. Nurse Gracie wanted to know what I knew was mine. I pointed immediately to the Commander Zap.

“Zap.”

“You don't recognize anything else? Look around.”

I looked. I saw nothing I recognized, so I shook my head. Doctor Reg came back with his arms filled with wood. Nurse Gracie gave him an odd look.

He said with... something in his voice:

“I didn't want to turn the gas on without the lines being checked first.”

“When was the last time you used them?”

“Only last year, but no reason to take chances now.”

He piled the wood up and squirted it with something, then pulled out a long match and lit it. The result was captivating. Brightness was pouring from the wood, raising itself high. And the heat! The delicious waves of warmth were immediate. Doctor Reg put some sort of screen in the way before I could get close enough.

“Mary, no. That's fire, and it can hurt you if you get close enough.”

I stared at him. How could such light and warmth ever hurt me? Nurse Gracie took over.

“I've seen that look before. Mary, just trust us; and don't get too lose to the fire; it can... eat your body, and then you won't have one.”

I got as far away from the fire as I could get.

“Mary, it's OK, I didn't mean to upset you. Just stay behind the screen and it's perfectly safe.”

She stood in front of the fireplace and made motions with her hands. Doctor Reg joined her, holding his hands towards the brightness.

“I admit, it is a bit cold in here. It really shouldn't be.”

“You bought a castle, moved it stone by stone to America, and reconstructed it... and expected it not to have a castle's problems? Castles are always cold drafty things... or so I'm told.”

“It couldn't be helped; proper decorum and protocols had to be followed. Therefore the experiments demanded a castle.”

Nurse Gracie shook her head with an exhalation. I mimicked her.

“A drafty castle in the butt end of nowhere, with only the barest of amenities and equipment, is the last place you should be doing your experiments. Especially now that they have succeeded.”

“In part, at least.”

What was an experiment?

“Whaa..?”

They both turned to me, and I felt something I did not like.

“Go ahead Mary.”

I tried again, but it all went wrong when my face did not work right! I felt my mouth stretching and a sound like the one nurse Gracie made earlier come out.

“Oh, you're tired? Come on then, let's get you to bed.”

The bed was right there. I pointed to it.

“Yes, I think you're tired Mary. I know I am, and the doctor probably is. You should climb in the bed, and we can pick all this up in the morning.”

They wanted me to go back to the darkness.

“No.”

“Mary, what's wrong?”

How could I explain the cloying darkness, the mind numbing fear of nothing. The loss of self which even now meant I was less than I was. I couldn't ever go back to that pitch black, and crushing loneliness again!

“No. Darkness.”

Well that was a good start. I hoped. Nurse Gracie cocked her head.

“Darkness? What darkness?”

“Did you forget the lights Gracie?”

“No, not even once. She never spent a night in the dark.”

Doctor Reg looked angry.

“Good, because the last maid that left her in the dark regretted it.”

I made a noise. They didn't understand!

“No! No!”

How could I make them... oh I have it!

I put my hands over my eyes.

“No. Darkness.”

“Um, Gracie, did you understand that?”

“I think I did doctor. I don't think she wants to sleep.”

I nodded so hard I fell over.

“Well I suppose she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to....”

“Doctor, that's pretty irresponsible. One of us will have to stay with her; she could hurt herself or something. Or what if Fido woke up and she was outside her room?”

Doctor Reg put his hand on his chin. That seemed like a fine thing to do, so I did it too.

“A valid point, nurse Gracie. One of us will have to stay with Mary so she doesn't do something unfortunate. I think you just volunteered for overtime.”

Nurse Gracie looked over at my nodding, so I smiled.

“Now wait just a minute, doctor....”

“Unless you'd rather I stay with Mary, all alone.”

She turned back to the doctor very quickly. I tried to imitate that, but fell down.

“That's a pretty low blow doctor. Really low.”

He raised an eyebrow. I wasn't sure I had eyebrows, so I checked. Yep, they were there. I couldn't raise just one though. Moving things was hard!

“Alright, alright. Say, Mary, do you remember how to read? Do you remember what books are?”

I did not.

“What are you doing on the floor, Mary?”

“Fell.”

She helped me up.

“Well on that shelf there are books, you climb into bed and I'll go get one, and then I'll read it to you.”

Hmm. I carefully climbed onto the bed, but waited until nurse Gracie returned with a book. Then I placed myself on her much as I had before. I smiled at her, hoping she would smile back like last time.

“Warm.”

Doctor Reg made funny noises.

“Laugh it up doctor. Care to help me out here? She's stronger than she looks.”

“Oh no, nurse. I feel you have the situation well in hand. Unless you'd rather I be the one to stay with Mary, her body draped over mine....”

“Enough, no it's fine. Pig.”

What was a pig? I thought Doctor Reg was a doctor?

“Mary, if you aren't gentle, I'll get hurt. Then I won't be able to stay.”

I let go in a hurry, only laying there.

“That's better. Now I need my hands to read, so you'll need to let me move.”

I made sure I let her arms go. She covered us both with more clothes.

“Good night, Gracie, Mary.”

“Good night doctor.”

I wasn't sure how to say that, or what it meant, but I could smile, so I did. Doctor Reg left.

“No!”

“Mary, it's OK! He'll be back. We won't always be able to stay here all the time, but you won't have to be alone if you don't want to.”

I didn't want either of them to leave, ever. But Nurse Gracie was staying, and she said doctor Reg would be back. I loosened up again.

“Alright, now let's hear the tale of the cat in the hat, shall we?”

I drifted somewhere during the third story; they were wonderful, about other selves in other places... but for some reason I couldn't stay there.

I would have said it was the little darkness of before, but I wasn't alone. Nurse Gracie's presence had followed me there, and it was warm.