PART ONE

Christmas was in the air. The year was 1954 and Lizzie Jane was officially a teenager.

As she looked over the past Christmas celebrations since she came to live with Uncle Jed and Aunt Maudie, she remembered the fresh cut cedars from the woods on their farm, decorated with popcorn careful placed on a string, homemade ornaments, and the gifts that Uncle Jed and Aunt Maudie had created with their hands. There was always an orange, apple, and a peppermint cane — the only purchased items. Lizzie Jane had learned to sew, so she came up with appropriate gifts for her uncle and aunt.

Life was simple in the hills of Alabama in those days. Expensive gifts were never given, nor were they expected. The Christmas dinner was baked with the loving hands of the ladies with vegetables that had been recently home-canned from the garden. Chicken served as the meat since all one had to do was go out into the yard and catch a young rooster.

However simple it was, Christmas was always a joyful occasion. Families dined together and love flowed from the hearts and, after giving thanks for the blessings of the Lord, they sat around the table enjoying the feast set before them. The conversation was jolly, full of laughter and smiles. After dining, the men would retire to the living room and discuss the world's situation with the smoke of their pipes circling upward which had been filled with home-gown tobacco while a few of the men took a chew of the tobacco that had been formed into a twist and strong enough to make a normal person sick.

Lizzie Jane thought of how wonderful it would be to be able to help someone in distress — someone in real distress. She did that all during the year, but she wished for something different, but she was not prepared for how her wish would be answered — proposing a problem that would be very difficult even for her.

It happened on Christmas Eve. That was when she met the young lady — or was it a lady? In the first place, her dress was too short — above the knees. In 1954, all the women in Lizzie Jane’s community wore long dresses or skirts and certainly not above the knee. That was indecent. However, the woman had a long, beautiful fur coat with the collar turned up against the wintry breeze.

But, the young blonde haired girl looked to be in her early twenties, very pretty, and wore a lot of makeup. But, what caught Lizzie Jane’s attention was that she looked confused — as if she were lost.

So, Lizzie Jane did the most logical thing. She walked up to the young lady and asked, "Hello, ma’am — I could not help noticing you — are you lost?”

The young woman looked at her and replied, “No, I am not lost. If I were lost, I would not know where I am, but I am here, so I cannot be lost. Now, if I did not know I was here, I would be lost, not knowing that I was not here — but if I wasn’t here, I would have to be someplace else and since I would not know where that someplace else is, I would be lost. So, I think — well, I KNOW — I am here, so I am not lost.”

Lizzie Jane stood there for a moment, not believing what she just heard. What kind of woman is this? Has she lost her marbles?

Trying to regain her composure, Lizzie Jane offered her hand and an introduction, “I am Lizzie Jane. May I ask who you are?”

“Oh, don’t be silly. I am me. If I wasn’t me, I am certain I would know it”, the woman replied — then paused and said, “Well, at least I think I would.” After another pause as if she were giving something some serious thought, “Oh, yes, I am me. I am certainly not someone else.”

Lizzie had never met anyone like this. “I mean, could I ask your name?”

“Of course you can ask my name. Go ahead and ask. How silly it is that you asked to ask my name. I would have been most happy to let you know what it is,” replied the strange woman.

Lizzie Jane batted her eyes and shook her head. Is this woman for real? “Okay, what is your name?” asked Lizzie Jane as sweetly as she could.

The woman fiddled around in her purse, looking for something. “That nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman paid $500 for a my diver license and told me that it had my name on it — Oh, here it is. It is on my Mister Card, too,” the lady proudly announced as she produced a diver license.

Lizzie Jane was startled. Here was a woman who did not know her name and someone paid $500 to get her a driver license? Lizzie Jane saw that the lady’s name was Josephine Bockkernodd, the card was plastic and even had her photo on it, but what caused Lizzie Jane’s eyes to open wide was the expiration date -- May, 2008. How could that be? This was 1954!

PART TWO

Satisfied in her mind that this was the person to whom Lizzie Jane was to perform a good deed, she quickly regained her composure again and asked, “We are going to have Christmas supper tonight and I would like to invite you to join us.”

“Well, I am looking for the nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman and he must be the one who is lost because I am here, so I cannot be lost. I guess I can come if you have some ice cream. Why don’t you have ice cream?”

“We can come up with some home-made ice cream,” replied Lizzie Jane.

“Well, why did you not tell me I could have some ice cream? Here I am, thinking I would have to do without ice cream because you did not tell me I could have ice cream and that is why I thought I could not have ice cream,” said Josephine.

“But..” began Lizzie Jane; then decided that to answer such a question would be a losing battle since ice cream had not been mentioned.

On the way to Uncle Jed’s home, Lizzie Jane tried to make some sense in what the young woman was saying, but finally just gave up.

Upon arriving, Lizzie Jane presented Josephine to Aunt Maudie. Aunt Maudie replied with, “How do you do?”

“How do I do what? I do a lot of things. Some things I do, I should do and some things I do, I should not do, but some times the things that I should do are the things that I should not do and the things that I do not do is things I should do, so I don’t know what to do,” replied Josephine.

Lizzie Jane giggled as Aunt Maudie shook her head.

“Supper is about ready,” said Lizzie Jane as she took Josephine by the hand and led her to the table.

When Josephine saw the chicken lying on the platter, she remarked, “Is that the cooked goose? I remember the nicely dressed intoxicated gentlemen telling about someone cooking their goose, but I have never eaten a cooked goose. Strange. He always spoke of a cooked goose as being bad, so is that a bad goose and is that why it is cooked because if he was a good goose, he would not be a cooked goose?”

It was Uncle Jed’s turn to look strange. Finally, he murmured a “un-huh”.

Lizzie Jane just giggled again. “This young lady got separated from a nice dressed intoxicated gentlemen and was trying to find him because he got lost.”

“Yes, he is lost because I don’t know where he is and if his where-a-bouts was known, he would not be lost — now would he? So, that is why I know he is lost,” answered Josephine.

“So, I am trying to find a way to get them together. They live in the year 2007.” Lizzie Jane spoke as if it was a common thing from someone to be 53 years in the past.

Uncle Jed almost choked on his chicken leg. He began to wonder if the craziness of the young lady was contagious.

Needless to say, that Christmas supper was the most unusual the family ever experienced with the conversation going every which way.

True to her word, the old fashioned ice-cream freezer was brought out. Aunt Maudie prepared the mix and Uncle Jed turned the handle on the freezer while Lizzie Jane added the ice.

Josephine sat there in astonishment, having never seen an ice cream freezer. Finally she said, “Might as well give up. That thing ain’t gonna crank. Even if it did crank, I don’t see how we can ride in it. There ain’t no wheels.”

No one said a word. They figured there wasn’t any use.

Finally, the homemade ice cream was ready and Josephine got the first helping. Anyone would see that she liked it. After all, she had a second helping, a third, a fourth — well, until the ice cream ran out.

“I own a ice cream factory,” Josephine proudly announced. “That nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman bought it for me.”

Now, a chance for conversation! Uncle Jed had to ask, “How much profit do you make?”

“Profit?” asked Josephine.

“Yeah, how much do you sell?”

“I don’t sell ice cream, silly. I eat it.”

No one dared to ask anything else.

Lizzie Jane took Josephine by the hand and said, “Let’s go pray. I think I need to so you can get back home.”

Out in the back yard, Josephine began, “Now I lay me down to sleep…” (that was the only prayer she knew) while Lizzie Jane asked for a miracle. Both prayers were answered.

The girls went into a deep sleep, but, as often happens, Lizzie Jane had a visit from her deceased mother in a dream.

“My dear,” began Mother, “You wanted to help someone for Christmas, so you got someone that only you could help. Josephine is living in a fairy tale because she was changed into a bimbo by a fairy, so you must let her carry you back to the place where she saw the rabbit. Then, everything will work out.”

Lizzie Jane woke suddenly. Back to the place where she saw the rabbit? Now, what could that mean?? This thing is getting crazier as it goes on.

PART THREE

Lizzie Jane woke Josephine and asked, “Will you carry me back to where you saw the rabbit?”

Josephine said, “Oh yes — that silly rabbit. I have seen rabbits, but that was the silliest rabbit I ever saw. Oh yes, I will show you where that silly rabbit went — silly rabbit.”

The girls began to walk through the woods. The moon was full, so there was plenty of moonlight to help them along the way. Josephine kept looking around and kept saying, “I think it this way — no, that way — maybe — Oh, I don’t know. I think the rabbit was lost.”

Praying that Josephine would accidentally stumble on the right path, Lizzie kept quiet and the girls kept walking through the woods.

“It is all that rabbit’s fault,” continued Josephine. “A squirrel would not have done that. A squirrel would have run up a tree to his home, turned on the television and watched the weather channel.”

Lizzie Jane did not ask about a “weather channel”. She was afraid of the answer.

“Squirrels eat nuts. I don’t see how they can chew them. That nicely dressed intoxicated gentlemen uses them in his shop to hold bolts together. Maybe squirrels like nuts ‘cause they can carry them easy, just stick their tongues through the holes and betcha they can carry two at one time.”

Suddenly Josephine stopped and said, “Here is his hole. I know he got his suit dirty when he jumped in it.”

“Suit?” Lizzie Jane had to ask the obvious — “Rabbits don’t wear suits.”

“Oh, yes they do — and carry a watch. He kept saying, ‘I am late, I am late for an important date’. He was white and wearing spectacles, too. A little girl was running after him with something written on her apron and she went in the hole, too.”

Lizzie stood there with her mouth open and finally said, “I guess the apron read ‘Alice’.”

“Yeah, that was it — how did you know?”

“Oh, just lucky I guess — then, I suppose you went into the hole?”

“Yep, fell head first — and the next thing I knowed, I was where you was at.”

“Well, I will tell you what. You jump back into the hole and I think everything will be okay,” suggested Lizzie Jane.

“I ain’t going into no hole. I ain’t no rabbit,” squealed Josephine as she backed up, stumbled over a rock and fell head first into the rabbit hole again.

Lizzie Jane listened carefully and she heard, “Oh, my nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman, how did you get lost? I have been looking all over for you — well, not all over, but over and over, and up and down and…” The voice faded away as if they were walking away in the distance.

*****************************************

Lizzie Jane woke early Christmas morning and rubbed her eyes. She lazily padded into the kitchen where Uncle Jed and Aunt Maudie were already up and eating breakfast.

“Come on in and sit down,” said Aunt Maudie as she got up to fry some more eggs. “Jed and I were just talking. We both had a strange dream last night — the same one.”

Lizzie Jane wondered about the situation, but did not say anything.

Aunt Maudie opened the refrigerator and exclaimed, “What is a Christmas present doing in here?”

Uncle Jed replied, “Well, who is it from?”

“Strange,” answered Aunt Maudie. “It has a label stating that it is from ‘a nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman’ and the package says, ‘manufactured at Josephine’s Ice Cream Factory.”

Uncle Jed scatched his head and Aunt Maudie stood there with a confused look. Lizzie Jane just smiled.

A white rabbit, wearing a Prince Albert vest and coat, watched the trio from his perch on a window sill. He pulled out his watch, jumped up sudddenly and ran off screaming, "I am late, I am late again for an important date."

(At least he had made one delivery on time -- on Christmas Day.)