This story takes place roughly half a year before Ikarus. It's about inadvertendly stumbling across a line you never thought you'd cross, even though you were steaming towards it all the time at full speed.
Comments are more than welcome.

"Would you two dance with me and a friend of mine?"

The voice right next to me caught me by surprise, amidst a conversation with Isabel, a girl I'd only recently met. We had been discussing her options and the do's and don'ts, regarding her wanting this Swedish boy she'd spotted on the beach two days previously. And we'd been doing so for the better part of the last hour. But as the lounge of the club we were in, got more and more crowded and our privacy vanished by the minute, dancing might be a good idea. After all, that guy had asked nicely and he didn't look like a total jerk, either.

So I checked with Isa and when she nodded, I turned around to him. I had been in constant conversation long enough now, to mostly forget about my voice. And for the rest... maybe I just didn't care enough at that instant. So I told him that we'd like to and asked if we should go straight away. If I'd known how much this would change my life, I'd have probably never been that cool and careless. But this I couldn't know, at least not then. A standard barrier had simply vanished that very moment without me even noticing for quite a while. And so we went and danced. The place wasn't crowded badly yet, so we had enough space to move about. That extra space proved to be quite handy a short while later. One or two of the touchy type machos had made their way to the dance floor as well and both Isa and I were busy fending them off and getting the guy who'd asked us to dance between those idiots and us.

After a while it got too unnerving and the music took a wrong turn as well, so we decided to have a seat. I was worried what I momentarily looked like anyhow by now. And thus it was the three of us - his friend had somehow never made an appearance - in one of the dark corners of the club. On the way there, the guy (he was kinda cute really) had already asked me if Isabel had a boyfriend and how about me. So I had to disappoint him and tell him that a) Isa was desperately trying to get it together with "her boy from Finland" (she always mixed up Finland and Sweden) and b) I was happily married. I actually felt kinda bad for him the very moment I said that. On my part, it was the standard defence to fend off males... though right now I was wondering just why I should do that anyway. After all he _was_ nice and he hadn't tried to get fresh with either Isabel or me even once as well. But then I didn't want to have any man get any closer to me, did I? After all I was married... married to a woman at that. And I liked _women_ and not men, didn't I?

Once seated Isabel got straight back to her little problem and the two of us were lost in a discussion almost instantly. And as the two of us were speaking German, our new acquaintance, coming from England, got totally lost. When the waiter (a friend of mine) turned up a few minutes later, Spanish was added to the constant stream of words, keeping me totally busy and leaving someone among us completely out. In the end I felt so sorry for him - and maybe it was the little devil on my shoulder urging me too - that I disentangled from the ever ongoing discussion and sat right next to him. It was only then, that I asked his name.

"Jaz" he said, Jaz for something longer as he explained which I forgot again instantly.

"Jaz sounds nice" I said, "I'm Valerie."

I took a closer look at him then. I'd peeked over once or twice before, but never really looked closely. He was dressed like most of the English on holidays down here. Trainers, wide, but not really baggy pants (I hated them) and a decently patterned bluish shirt. His facial features were kinda soft and even. And he had a nice smile. He wasn't a model, but he definitely looked better than average... one might even say cute. Boy, what am I _thinking_?!? Or better... what _the hell_ was I doing, trying to talk to him anyway? Willingly? When I knew that my little "dirty secret" would be revealed instantly by my voice! Or wouldn't it? To hell with it!

It turned out he studied astrophysics and had pretty interesting views of quite a range of things. Although I was four years his senior we seemed to get along quite well. For once I didn't have to dumb down to someone! Definitely quite a relief. And it helped put me at ease enough to forget my worries. And I learned quite a bit about him, as it goes with men. They tend to mostly talk about themselves. A fact I only knew too well. And what he said, plus what I read between the lines did sound a lot like what I used to be. Maybe that was the reason I eased up more and more and actually started feeling comfortable around him. Well, truth be told... not only comfortable. I'd really begun to enjoy this evening. For some reason I knew he wouldn't try anything stupid with me. What surprised me though was when he stated - we were talking about tolerance - that although he wasn't homosexual, he had absolutely no problems with having friends that were. And he was still secretly and very subtly letting on that he liked me and wanted me. I was sure I had sensed those little signals and messages here and there.

Didn't he know??? Could it actually be that he wasn't simply being polite and thought it unnecessary to mention my being different? Could it be that he treated me like a lady - cause that was exactly what he did - simply because he thought I was nothing less?

Boy, if that wasn't the sweetest and most flattering thing that ever happened to me. I smiled inwardly and enjoyed the evening even more. In fact, that was the last time I ever truly thought about the difference I made, for the rest of that night. Of course, it got back to me once in a while, whenever he mentioned my "husband". But that never made me feel less feminine anymore.

When the waiter brought me another vodka lemon, I even let him have a sip of it when he asked nicely. We got so entangled in a conversation about world politics, I barely realized that Isa left in pursuit of her boy of choice. When suddenly the lights went on, I realized that we must have talked for quite a while. The club would be closing soon and I knew Jaz would now need to make his move, if he wanted to stay with me a little while longer. And he was lucky too. My high spirits, the little devil on my shoulder and the feeling that he wouldn't try to get fresh with me, plus the longing for some more fun that night, made me agree only too willingly, when he had finally mustered enough courage to ask. I felt that he wanted to do so, the very moment the lights went on. I could even almost see him thinking frantically. But it took him a minute or ten. I finished my drink and let him lead the way out of the club and to the center of town. And probably for the first time in my whole life, it wasn't me planning where to go and what to do. I just let myself fall and basked in the feeling of being cared for.

A little further down the road, I suddenly realized I'd forgotten something important. It was only a fifteen minute walk to the center of town, but there was no way in hell I'd walk back all alone! I must have sounded pretty afraid and I was ready to instantly turn around when I asked him, if he would walk me back as well. But I didn't care. I was a woman, right? So I was allowed to be afraid, right? But he instantly eased my mind and used the chance to tell me how he always walked home his dates. And those of his friends too, when they were too drunk and left early, leaving him with three or four girls. It didn't sound like bragging, though, at least not then, not to me. And it kinda made me laugh. I really enjoyed his company. I thought it was nice and kinda cute of him. And I felt a little safer. Another five minutes down the road I realized I'd made a second mistake. I had to go. Bad!

Thank god, we were almost there. Just a little while longer. I realized that I had actually no clue where he wanted to go with me, except for dancing. The question was... which places were still open at that time in the morning? And I kinda wanted to talk a bit too. As in not shout. When we came to the first few bars, he stopped at a place I knew quite well and - to my total surprise - held the door for me. No one had ever done that before. I made a beeline for the ladies room and apparently, he had to go too. And instantly regretted not having gone before. Although the toilets in the first club weren't superb, they were quite tolerable. This here now was an offense to womankind; gross in every possible way. I made sure I was done quickly, checked my looks briefly and left. Jaz was waiting for me and luckily, he didn't seem like wanting to stay there. So we went to look for a decent place to stay for a while. I had to stop him twice though, as I simply couldn't keep up with his pace. Although I was used to the heels I was wearing, and he wasn't much of a giant, my 5'2" frame wasn't hard to outpace. He apologized at once, though. Ha, men on their first date with a new woman, god bless their eager little hearts. We finally ended up on the terrace of an almost decent bar, almost as in restrooms _again_ as I had to find out a little later. He hadn't brought much money, but as he'd never even tried to bum a drink off me and I wasn't going to have one all on my own, I simply broke the rules - as he was truly being a gentleman, all of the time - and paid for the drinks. I even ordered when the waiter came around (I was the one speaking Spanish, after all) without giving it much thought. Not long ago I would have been afraid of giving myself away, opening my mouth. But not that night anymore. God, I felt so good, so alive, so right, so happy and, with time passing, more and more desired! The conversation went back to politics, ethics and physics again, just the way I liked it: smart! Although his maleness now showed occasionally. He'd constantly kept up a casual distribution of those little signs saying "I like you, I want you." And the way men are, he didn't realize that I already knew, almost right from the beginning. But with dawn - and thus the end of this night - drawing nearer, his remarks got less and less subtle although he never said anything openly or got rude. He complimented me on my nails and started to talk about nails and "silky smooth legs" (thank god I'd shaved mine just that day) and hinted that he probably enjoyed that in a sexual kind of way.

"I can't believe I'm sitting here, talking to a 25 year old, married woman." He said a little later. I just smiled. He kept bringing up my "husband" once in a while, but I was planning to enjoy this night, without being unfaithful to my wife. After all it was her who didn't want to come with me, so I had every right to enjoy this, didn't I? Of course, I didn't tell him anything about my intentions, nor that I knew about his desires. I simply let him go on flattering me occasionally. But, alas, the moment came here too, when they started to take away the cushions on the seats and clean the tables, "decently" hinting us to finish our drinks and, from the look on our faces probably, to go to the beach and get on with it there. I felt he didn't want it to be over now and it didn't take him long this time to ask me if we could go dancing in a bar nearby. I didn't feel a lot like moving much anymore, but as he was being so nice to me all the time, I figured one more dance wouldn't kill me and probably mean a lot to him. And I had begun to like him quite a bit. Maybe for desiring me, maybe for treating me like a lady, maybe because he was more and more cute in my eyes, or maybe simply because I had enjoyed the night so much and I felt I owed him a little bit. I didn't know. And I couldn't have cared less. After another trip to the bathroom though (with a door that could at least be locked, thank god) the new place had lost quite a lot of its appeal to me and the overcrowded dance floor didn't look too inviting either. And on top of it all, I couldn't find Jaz when I emerged from the ladies room. I started to get worried again and feel small and vulnerable until he came out of the restrooms as well. Whether my discomfort was written plainly across my face or he had second thoughts too, I couldn't tell, but he led me out of that place that very instant. So this was it, only the way back home was left. Of course I had to miss a step at that very moment and would have probably spread-eagled myself all over the few stairs down to that little plaza we were about to cross, if Jaz hadn't caught me. I felt so embarrassed. Everything went fine the whole night and now I had to do something like that. Thank god, he was enjoying holding my arm too much to notice. And I hadn't even managed to kill the shoes I currently liked most. Must have been lucky after all.

I got a little lost in conversation and thoughts about this evening, that I didn't realize how desperate he got. Halfway home and nothing much had happened. He knew I was married and he knew I was happily married but he also knew - as I had told him - that I was enjoying this night.

"Sorry but I simply have to be so rude and hold your hand now!" brought me out of my reverie. He'd simply hooked his arm into mine, even the wrong way round, as a girl would with a man. I smiled inwardly. I thought this was so cute. And I didn't mind at all. The little devil on my shoulder by now had knocked the angel on the other side half unconscious and I was now planning to learn and feel as much as I could. I wasn't going to cheat on my wife, but I was planning to get as close as decently possible. So I smiled, told him he got it the wrong way round and asked him to hold my hand. He did it the wrong way round again; he probably was quite a bit excited so I playfully chided him and demurely put my hand into his. It felt small there. It made me feel warm and safe; it made me feel desired and cared for. I let the new emotions rush through my heart and my head, as I had done before when things like this had happened. Which sadly wasn't quite often. Jaz seemed to see his opening now, or he was simply desperate enough to let down all the covers. But even then, when he told me that he'd fancy to go down on me on the beach, it didn't offend or disappoint me. After all I could understand him quite well, I'd walked more miles in his shoes than he would ever imagine. And I was still in control. He wouldn't push and I knew I could always keep him at bay with a simple "No". But I didn't mind him telling me. We ended up in a "what would have been, if..." discussion. Again, I kinda felt sorry for him. There were reasons beyond my marriage that I couldn't let this go too far in that direction. And I had enjoyed not feeling like a freak, but simply natural for too long, to do anything stupid. Although the idea to allow him a kiss good night, had started to form in my head. I couldn't believe I was thinking stuff like that! Just at that moment he asked me what I would consider cheating on my partner. So I told him that I couldn't and wouldn't do much, as I thought calling sex and love two entirely different things was hypocrisy to the highest degree. But I told him that I had enjoyed this date - and I realized that it probably was just that, a first date - very much and silently urged him not to ruin it. Our hypothetical conversation went on and I made a mental note to let him kiss me. I was thinking about telling him, so he wouldn't feel so bad, or that he had lost, or whatever, but decided against it. Way too cheap and that, I definitely wasn't. And I decided for myself that, as this was a first date in some way, a kiss would be pretty much in order. And I did want it too although I was a little afraid. I'd never dreamed something like this could happen, but then again, I'd never thought I'd talk so much for hours, without the other one knowing sooner or later. Now I was glad I hadn't told him. All this made me feel so good. I didn't even think about being a woman anymore, I simply was! When we came up to my hotel I told him how wonderful this evening had been for me and I think I even thanked him for that. I pulled him into a darker, somewhat secluded corner. I didn't care whether he noticed or not, but I wanted some privacy right then. I turned around and thanked him again for this evening and for walking me home. I didn't get much of his reply though, must have been something nice. But I knew that now the time had come. I realized I wanted it, badly, I wanted to know, wanted to be treated that way! And I realized it would only be natural, a woman being kissed by a man. I was afraid but I felt my body yearning for it, so I moved ever so gently closer and slightly tilted my neck. Then I closed my eyes and offered him my lips. I was ready now, and I knew I wouldn't have to wait too long for him to get the hint. And his lips touched mine. And his body touched mine. And his arms held me.

I couldn't say the earth moved or lightning struck, but it was very nice somehow. I didn't have to wait long before I felt his tongue. And I willingly let him in. It was rough somehow, all the same and completely different as well. But I wanted to know, wanted to feel, wanted to be treated like this! I let his tongue toy with mine for a bit, but I never forgot that my heart already belonged to someone else. So I broke it off and looked at him for a moment... and so did he. And even though I was restrained, I wanted at least one more. So I said good night, knowing he'd try to kiss me again if I let him. And he did. I sucked it all in, burned it in my memory as I knew this would probably have to last me for a while. I let him hold me tight again, felt my breasts squished against his chest. We parted then and there.

"Good night, Jaz. I had a wonderful evening and I enjoyed every moment of it. And whatever you do, stay the way you are!"

And with that I turned around, helplessly trying to conceal that abhorrently stupid smile on my face that hadn't been there for almost a decade.

It was only much later that I fully realized how special Jaz now really is in my life. He was the first and no one else can take that away. It might happen again, it might be better, one never knows. But it was him who helped me crossing the bar.

Wanna know what happened afterwards? Go read Ikarus.
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