Printer-friendly versionby Bill Hart
“You know, my Lady Jennifer, this is a very nice bowl. It's very comfortable and the water temperature is just perfect. It's far superior to that old pond.” said Lystan.
“I just knew you'd love it.” beamed Jennifer.
“Have you decided to kiss me yet?”
“No. Not yet.”
“Oh.” replied the discouraged frog. “I guess there's really no hurry. What's another day or two after a thousand years? But it really would be exceptionally kind of you to kiss me. And I really hope you decide to kiss me very soon.”
Just then, the door opened and Jennifer's brother Alex, who shared the apartment and expenses, entered the room. “Hi, Jenn, what's up? And what's this fat old frog doing in Speedy's bowl.”
“I beg you pardon, sir.” replied the indignant frog. “But this bowl happens to be my new home, which was graciously provided me by the Lady Jennifer.”
“Where'd you find the talking wart dispenser?” asked Alex.
“Would you quit bothering Prince Lystan, Alex?”
“Oh, come on, Lady Jennifer.” mocked Alex. “Please don't tell me that Prince Lystan, the chunky talking frog there, has been trying to sell you that old shtick about restoring his enchanted princehood with a kiss from some nubile vestal virgin.”
“He didn't say anything about needing a virgin.” Sadly turning to the frog, she added “I don't think I'll be able to help you, Lystan.”
“I can't believe you're this gullible, Jenn. Look, I'll show you it's all a sham. I'll kiss this stupid old frog.” Alex reached down and lifted the frog out of the bowl. “Anything you want to say, Prince Lystan?”
“Yes. Please unhand me, varlet. And return me to my bowl this instant. If anyone here is to kiss me, it will be the Lady Jennifer. I do not want you to kiss any part of my body. I am not that kind of frog. Do you understand, young sir?”
“Perfectly. Here it comes.” replied Alex, who then proceeded to plant a wet one squarely on the squirming Lystan's slimy, green, and froggy lips.
In Alex's hand, Lystan shifted and began to grow heavier. Then, his froggish shape began to change.
The lights dimmed, then flickered.
Several light bulbs blew.
There was a brilliant flash of lightning, followed by a deafening crash of thunder.
There was a puff of smoke and when the smoke cleared, Alex no longer grasped a struggling frog. Instead, his hand held a human hand, which in turn tightly clasped his.
“Oh, my God!” exclaimed Jennifer. “Lystan! You told me you were a prince.”
“And so I am, dear lady.” replied Lystan. “But my voice sounds most uncommonly strange to me. Do either of you think it could it have something to do with the breaking of my enchantment?”
“It might, Lystan.” answered Alex. “But I have a feeling you'll be finding a few things around here plenty different from what you were expecting, babe.”
“You dare call a prince of the realm - babe.” said Lystan in an imperious tone, before sheepishly adding, “By the way, Alex, just what is this babe thing of which you speak.”
“It might be better to show you, Lystan.” replied Alex. “That should make the explanation fairly obvious, although I don't think you're going to like it much. Jenn, why don't you show Lystan to that full-length mirror in your room. And Lystan, once you get to the mirror, I want you take a long, long, long look at yourself.”
“Are you sure about this?” asked Jenn, looking back at Alex as she led a thoroughly
confused Lystan toward her room.
“Yup.”
“Well, okay then.”
As Jennifer led Lystan to her room, Alex stared after them. As they disappeared
inside, he shook his head. “One...” he thought.
“No! This isn't fair.” came Lystan's voice.
“Two.” thought Alex.
“After a thousand years of being a frog, someone finally gets around to kisses me. And instead of breaking my enchantment and restoring me to my princely self, I turn into this.”
“And three.” thought Alex.
“Alex?” came Jennifer's pleading voice. “Can you give me hand in here for a minute? Its Lystan. She's fainted.”
“You know something, Lystan?” asked Alex the next morning. “You're lucky that you and Jenn are about the same size. You'll be able to wear her clothes for a while, which will make it a lot easier on you. The two of you won't have to go out shopping for a whole new wardrobe for you. Besides, you fill out her clothes a hell of a lot better than she does. But maybe I think that way because Jenn's my sister.”
“Was that a compliment?”
“Sure was, babe.”
“Please, Alex, don't remind me. I really don't want to be this babe type person. I only want to be me.”
“Sorry about that, Lystan. It's a force of habit thing for me whenever I'm talking to a pretty woman.”
“I think I understand. It's some sort of compliment. Do you think that Jennifer will still be mad at me because I wouldn't wear her - what did she call it ... oh, yes - makeup?”
“Doubtful. We're all still adjusting to this situation.”
“That's kind of you to say, Alex.” sighed Lystan.
“No sweat, babe. Oops... Sorry.”
“Now don't you look good, Lystan.” said Jennifer as she entered the room. “Although, I still think a little makeup would do wonders for you. But there will be plenty of time...”
”Ding, dong” the doorbell interrupted.
“I'll get it.”
When Jennifer opened the door, standing in the outer hall was a short, officious-looking
man in an out-of-date, ill-fitting suit. She could barely contain her laughter when she saw the bow tie. In one hand, he held a briefcase, and in the other he held some strange-looking gadget.
“Can I help you?” she asked.
“Certainly, miss. According to the readings on my magicometer here, this is the place, where, last night, a very large store of magical energy was released and subsequently returned to the ether. From these readings, it is my opinion that either an extremely strong or a very ancient curse, possibly even both, was broken here last night. Would you know anything about that?”
“Just who, the hell, are you?”
“Forgive me, miss. My name is Cruxpunta. Since I've located the site of the magical energy's release, it will be my honor and privilege to help the restored cursee in any way he, she, or it may require. That's what my associates and I do; we volunteer our time and efforts to assist in the grand and noble purpose of our organization.”
“Which is?”
“Again forgive me, miss. Sometimes, I do not elucidate too well. It is the great purpose of the Cursee's Rehabilitative Aid Program to seek out victims recently released from their curses, re-educate them if necessary, and then help re-integrate them into our society.”
“So in more simple terms, Mr. Cruxpunta, you're from CRAP.”
“Simply Cruxpunta, miss. However, I am quite amazed, although thoroughly pleased, that you've heard of our organization. Would you believe that most people, including many of those recently released from a curse, have never even heard of CRAP. You would be absolutely astounded at the number of people who actually slam doors in our faces when we do our annual neighborhood pledge walks. It's as if, they've never been asked for a CRAP donation before.”
“I can imagine.” replied Jennifer.
“Now, I believe there is someone here in need of our services. Is there not?”
“I think so.” Jennifer responded cautiously. And not knowing what else to say she added “Won't you come in?”
As he entered, the gadget - his magicometer - started to beep. Knowing that Jennifer couldn't possibly be the source, he pointed it at Alex. The magicometer fell silent. As he turned and pointed it toward Lystan, it screamed back to life.
“So, young lady, you are our restored cursee. I sincerely hope you are not offended if I say how absolutely beautiful you are. You are also most fortunate, for it is extremely rare to be so completely restored when such a powerful enchantment is broken.”
“What do you mean restored completely, you idiot.” said Lystan angrily. “At the time I was cursed, I was Prince Lystan of Arnwell.” Putting her hands on her hips, she adds, “Do I look like a Prince to you? Look at me, I'm a girl now. Whatever makes you think my enchantment's broken?”
“My magicometer says so, miss. It's capable of reading all types of magical energies. Right now, all it indicates is a small curse residue, which should fade in a day or two, and an almost immeasurable anomalous energy of no importance. Ergo, miss, your enchantment, regardless of who or what you once were, is no more.”
“Then why is she a girl?” asked Alex.
“Yeah, in all the stories I've ever read, the person cursed always returns to his or her original form when the enchantment is broken.” added Jennifer. “If these stories are true, then why is Lystan a girl, when she used to be a prince?”
“I don't know.” replied Cruxpunta. “Maybe if I knew when the spell was cast or, better yet, who cast it. Maybe I could figure out what happened. And why you are now, the way you are, instead of the way you were.”
“I can help with those questions.” grumbled Lystan. “I was cursed about a thousand years ago by an old demented shapeshifting crone named Grzelyla.”
“Grzelyla!” exclaimed Cruxpunta. “Not the Grzelyla.”
“There's more than one?” asked an incredulous Lystan.
“The time frame is right. Oh, my! Just wait until I tell everyone back at CRAP headquarters that I met an actual victim of a Mother Grzelyla curse. They're going to be so jealous.”
“Mother Grzelyla?” asked Lystan.
“Oh, I forgot, you don't know. About two hundred years or so after she cursed you, Grzelyla founded the Unified Sorceries College, one of our most prestigious institutions of higher education.”
“Don't tell me.” groaned Jennifer. “USC. Right?”
“You continue to amaze me with the vastness of your knowledge, miss.”
“And you were a student at USC, I assume?”
“Unhappily, no. I applied, of course, but my grades were nowhere good enough. I am only a mere technician graduated from the Maledictive Institute of Technosorceries.”
“Not MIT?” moaned Alex.
“Just what has any of this to do with me being a girl?” asked Lystan impatiently.
“Maybe nothing. But possibly everything.” replied Cruxpunta. “Mother Grzelyla's records are on file at USC, although I can't guarantee yours, being as old as it is, will be there. And they're available for downloading from the MagicNet.”
“And how do we access this MagicNet?” asked Alex.
“That used to difficult, but since we've been able to interface and connect to the MagicNet through the Internet, which is available to virtually everyone, its now very simple. All we have to do is power up your PC, connect to your ISP, and with the web browser of your choice open USC's URL. From there, all we have to do is follow the links.”
“But we don't have an ISP.” said Jennifer.
“Or even a PC, for that matter.” added Alex.
“How unusual.” replied Cruxpunta. “I guess its time for plan B then.”
“Which is?” asked a very confused Lystan.
“A direct connection to the MagicNet, of course.”
“And how do we do that without an ISP or PC?” asked Alex.
“This isn't common knowledge, but the whole world is wired for the MagicNet, but if anyone asks how you found out, just remember you didn't hear it from me. All I need to do is connect your direct access MagicNet port to the serial port of my laptop using the proper cables and adapters.”
Opening his briefcase after setting it on the table near the phone, Cruxpunta removed a cable and a small laptop. He set the laptop on the table, while a pamphlet that had been between the cable and the laptop fell unnoticed to the floor. It was an odd sight to watch Cruxpunta tiptoe around the room carrying an RS-232 cable in one hand, while apparently feeling about empty space four inches below the ceiling with the other.
“I think he's crazy.” whispered Alex to Jennifer and Lystan.
“Eureka!” yelled Cruxpunta.
Then he plugged the cable into the empty space where he had his hand. When he turned to retrieve his laptop, the cable hung suspended from from apparent empty space.
“Maybe we're crazy.” whispered Alex.
Alex, Jennifer, and Lystan watched as Cruxpunta connected the cable to the laptop's
serial port, then powered it on. When it finished booting, all three were startled to hear a dulcet, sexy, and very feminine voice say “Welcome to MagicNet.”
“Good morning, MAI. How are you today?”
“My sensors and interfaces are within acceptable tolerances, Cruxpunta.”
“Amazing.” remark both Jennifer and Alex, while Lystan, totally lost and utterly confused by the technobabble, decides to remain silent.
“Yes MAI, our Magical Artificial Intelligence, is amazing. And she's absolutely indispensable.”
“Thank you, Cruxpunta.” replied MAI. “How may I help you today?”
“I'm looking for information about a curse cast by Mother Grzelyla about a thousand
years ago on Prince Lystan of Arnwell.”
“Seeking.” came the sexy voice. “I have located one file containing references to both Mother Grzelyla and Prince Lystan of Arnwell in the archive.”
“What does it say, MAI?”
“I do not know. The file has not been converted for use with my verbalization routines. However, if you'd like, I can easily download the data to a simple text file.”
“Please do so, MAI.”
“The file has been downloaded. It has been named 'LYSTAN.TXT' and has been placed in your root directory.”
“Thank you, MAI.”
“You are welcome, Cruxpunta.”
“Is there anything else?”
“No, not right now, MAI. You may terminate my session.”
“Thank you for using MagicNet. Disconnecting from MagicNet.”
After quickly disconnecting the cable from both ports, Cruxpunta popped up a window displaying the file 'LYSTAN.TXT.' As he read, he grunted a few times and said a few “ah's” and “oh's.” When he finished, he slowly turned to the three expectant faces. “Well, that explains just about everything.”
“Then why am I a girl?” asked Lystan.
“I think that will become obvious as I tell the story I've just read. I'll start at the beginning for Alex and Jennifer.
“Mother Grzelyla was in the woods in the guise of a small red fox, when a clumsy young boy, who she later learned was Prince Lystan of Arnwell, tripped over a log and fell on her. Fortunately, she wasn't hurt, but it did scare her and she was furious at the boy for falling on her without her permission. So she cast a standard boy-to-frog enchantment on the lad, which transformed him immediately into a chubby frog.”
“That's exactly the way I remember it.” stated Lystan.
“That's what I thought.” replied Cruxpunta. “That's the official story. But, and this must remain confidential among the four of us, it wasn't a standard boy-to-frog enchantment cast on you. Grzelyla made a couple of spur of the moment spot modifications before casting the curse.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Simply that Grzelyla never intended for your enchantment to be broken. She never intended for that clumsy boy to be restored. And she would have been happy if you remained a frog forever.”
“Then why am I girl?”
“I'm getting to that. One of those modifications caused people who came near you to think of you as green, icky, and slimy - not an image overly conducive to the cause of someone needing a kiss. And it also made those people worry about getting warts on their lips. Sound familiar?”
“So that's why nobody would kiss me.” sighed Lystan.
Jennifer blushed, as she remembered her own reaction.
“That modification was probably enough to keep you a frog forever; however, Grzelyla wanted to be absolutely certain you wouldn't be restored, so she inserted the second, more insidious, modification, which activated only in the event you were kissed. This modification replaced the strings normally carrying the cursee's restorative information with nulls.”
“What does that mean?” asked Lystan.
“It means that when Alex kissed you...”
“How did you know I kissed the frog?” asked Alex.
“Yeah, we never said who kissed Lystan.” added Jennifer.
“Alex is the obvious kisser.” replied Cruxpunta.
“Why?” asked Lystan.
“Simple. When he kissed you, the enchantment was broken, which forced the spell to access your restorative information, which was full of nulls. But the design intent for restoration from the standard boy-to-frog spell requires the nulls, potentially fatal when missing, to be loaded from the subconscious desires of the kisser. That was the information used during your restoration. No one generally notices one or two nulls normally loaded this way. But since all of your nulls were loaded this way, the results are extremely noticeable and, if you don't mind my saying so, extremely attractive.”
Lystan put her hands on her hips. “So, I'm now a girl because of Alex's subconscious.”
“In a nutshell.” replied Cruxpunta.
“What can I say, babe?” grinned Alex.
“What else can go wrong.” moaned Lystan.
“You mean Lystan's going to be a girl for the rest of her life?” asked Jennifer.
“Maybe.” replied Cruxpunta. “Maybe not.”
“What's that supposed to mean?” asked Lystan.
“According to the file, a small amount of magical energy was siphoned from the
restorative energies forming, in simple terms, a magical battery, which would then be used to power what Grzelyla referred to as an adaptive spell. If you remember, when I pointed my magicometer at Lystan earlier I noted an almost immeasurable anomalous energy, which at the time I thought was unimportant. I now believe that energy is the battery for the adaptive spell.”
“How do we trigger it?” asked Lystan.
“I don't know.” replied Cruxpunta. “It's not in the file.”
“What would it do?” inquired Jennifer.
Once again Cruxpunta replied, “I don't know. It's not in the file.”
“I don't care what it does.” said Lystan as he spread his arms in despair. “It can't be any worse than this.”
“Maybe someone back at CRAP has the answer. I'll go back and check with everybody in the office. It shouldn't take more than a couple days.”
“Swell.” whined Lystan.
After packing his laptop into his briefcase, Cruxpunta took out a pad of paper. He walked over to Lystan. “Excuse me, Prince Lystan.”
“Yes.”
“Could I have your autograph?”
Lystan stared at Cruxpunta. “Whatever for?”
“I kinda wanted something to show off at the office. I mean, you're an actual victim of a Mother Grzelyla curse. Between the file that MAI downloaded and your actual signature, they'll be so jealous they won't be able to think straight. Besides, it will make all of them want to help.”
“Oh, I suppose.” Taking the offered pad and pen, he quickly wrote on the paper 'Prince Lystan of Arnwell' before handing them back to Cruxpunta.
“Thank you, so much, Prince Lystan.” Cruxpunta set the pad gently in his briefcase before shutting it. “Hopefully, I should have some kind of answer for you in a couple of days. I'll be back.”
“I'll be here.” glumly retorted Lystan.
“We'll be here, too.” said Jennifer.
As Cruxpunta left, Lystan turned to Jennifer and Alex and plaintively asked “All right guys. What do we do now?”
“No!” exclaimed Lystan. “Absolutely not!”
“Why not?” asked Jennifer. “We've tried just about everything else we can think of to get that stupid spell of Grzelyla's to activate. Why not this?”
“Because I don't want to.” replied Lystan.
“Come off it, Lystan.” retorted Jennifer. “What have you got to lose? If it works, it works. And if it doesn't, you won't be any worse off because of it.”
“But nothing happened when I kissed you. Why should kissing Alex be any different? I'm a prince, Jenn. And I don't want to kiss Alex.”
“But, babe.” said Alex joining in the conversation, “Jenn and I are different, we're brother and sister. Whether you like it or not, you and Jenn are girls, while you and I...”
“Spare me, Alex.” interrupted Lystan.
“You know, Lystan. Alex sort of has a point. At least, in his own twisted little way.”
“He does?” asked Lystan.
“I do?” asked Alex. “And what did you mean twisted?”
“It's simple. You're who you are now, Lystan, because, according to Cruxpunta, Grzelyla's spell filled in your identity string from Alex's desires.”
“So.”
“What if the adaptive spell has one of your identity strings in its trigger. Cruxpunta said that Grzelyla didn't intend for you to ever be yourself again. With your natural aversion to kissing another male, kissing Alex may be the key to your release.”
“Wow, sis. That does make sense.”
“It even makes sense, even if somewhat perverse, to me.”
“So, Lystan, will you kiss Alex?”
“I suppose I must.” replied the dejected prince.
“All right, babe!” exclaimed Alex, as he put an arm around Lystan's waist. “Pucker
up, babe.”
“Settle down eager beaver.” replied Lystan. “I'm going to kiss you, but its just going to be a little peck on the cheek, so don't get too excited.” Lystan shifted slightly, then gave Alex the promised quick peck on the cheek.”
“Is that all?” complained Alex.
“Oh.” said Lystan. “I feel dizzy. Something must have happened. Maybe we should try this.” Lystan shifted again, before giving Alex a quick kiss square on the lips.
“That's better.” said Alex. “Lystan, what's going on? You're starting to glow.”
But Lystan didn't, or perhaps couldn't, say anything.
She, like Alex, stood transfixed. All either could do was stare into the other's eyes. Alex felt his lust for the glowing woman grow and could see Lystan's growing lust for him in her eyes.
Then, as Lystan shifted, she kissed him with fiery passion.
As their passions grew hotter, her glow grew brighter.
And the glow brightened it engulfed first Alex, then Jennifer.
“Don't you two ever quit?” complained Jennifer.
“Chill out, Jenn.” replied Alex. “You know that we're just your typical ordinary everyday horny newlyweds. Although how I ever landed someone like my Liselle, I'll never know.”
“You were just lucky, stud.” responded Liselle playfully. “Say I've got an idea.” She whispered something in Alex's ear.
“That sounds like a great idea, babe!” exclaimed Alex, as he swept his wife up in his arms and carried her off to their bedroom.
“Damn.” thought Jennifer. “Now I won't get any sleep tonight either. Sometimes they make me wish I hadn't let them move in. Alex was bad enough, but the two of them...”
But what was that on the floor near the phone.
It was some kind of pamphlet. Alex or Liselle must have dropped it there. After Jennifer picked it up and saw the title, she quickly wadded it up and tossed it in the trash can.
“They must think I'm really gullible.” said Jennifer to herself.
And in the trash can, a little pamphlet, entitled “Earning Extra Cash by Disenchanting
Frogs in your Spare Time,” faded away.
Jennifer was kidnapped by aliens.
She was returned after three weeks, when the aliens finished whatever it is aliens do to the people they kidnap.
Alex and Liselle never knew she was missing.
And Jennifer is pregnant.
She says Elvis is the father.
And poor Cruxpunta.
After searching all day and finding nothing, he'd returned exhausted to CRAP headquarters.
There was a paper in briefcase, bearing a signature in a frilly feminine hand complete to the “i's” dotted with little hearts. He had absolutely no idea who “Liselle d'Arnwell Wrigley” was or why he had her signature.
And when he booted up his laptop, he was surprised to find a file 'LYSTAN.TXT' in his root directory. He didn't remember downloading it, even though MAI had told him that he had. The file contained a simple transcript, just like hundreds he'd read before, of a prince who'd angered Mother Grzelyla and been enchanted into a frog about a thousand years ago.
There was nothing more.
Cruxpunta deleted the file and tossed the paper in the trash. There was nothing worth saving. The similarity of names was pure and simple coincidence. After all this time, there was little possibility that “Liselle d'Arnwell Wrigley” and “Prince Lystan of Arnwell” could have anything even remotely in common.
THE END
Who's kissing who?
Ribbet... Ribbet...
At the sound of the frog, Jennifer Wrigley glanced out and saw it sitting peacefully on the lily pad lazily floating on the still water of the pond.
“My aren't you a chubby little fella.” she said.
“As if you're tiny, Miss Boobs. I'd hate to have you fall on me. You'd flatten me like a pancake. And even if you missed, you might bounce about for several weeks.” replied a voice.
Jennifer was startled. There was no one to be seen nearby. “Who said that?” she asked nervously.
“I did.” replied the same voice.
Still there was no one visible in her immediate vicinity. Growing ever more nervous, Jennifer asked “Where are you? Why are you hiding?”
“I'm not hiding.” replied the voice. “I'm sitting right here in plain sight. Are you blind, as well?”
“Where?”
“Down here. On the lily pad.”
“But you're a _frog_.” said a very surprised Jennifer.
“Wow! You're not blind at all.” replied the frog. “Just some fatso with perfect vision. You've certainly made my day.”
“Are you sure you're really a frog? You're rude enough to be an old warty toad.” snapped Jennifer angrily.
“Hey, I'm sorry about the fatso remark. I didn't really mean it. Sometimes I get a little frustrated sitting around on this pad all by myself, and then, when someone finally does come around, they totally ignore me. You should try sitting around on an old soggy lily pad in a cold mossy pond for a thousand years or so. I'd bet you'd get more than a little cranky too.”
“You're a thousand years old?”
“More or less, beautiful.” replied the frog. “But sometimes I feel a lot older, and I'm awfully tired of living life as a frog.”
“I take it you haven't always been a frog.”
“How perceptive, gorgeous. I used to be a prince.” he sighed. “But even those days seem like a long time ago now.”
“What happened?”
“I was in the forest, on a hunt sponsored by my father the King. As a lad, I was awkward and clumsy - more so than any of my friends. My royal parents thought this hunt would help me grow out of my boyish clumsiness. They meant well, I suppose. But while in the forest, I accidentally tripped over a fallen log and fell heavily atop a small red fox.”
“How awful.” exclaimed Jennifer. “Was she hurt?”
“After years of contemplation, I'd say - no, not really. Startled perhaps, but definitely not hurt.”
“However, the little vixen - how you knew she was truly female I cannot imagine - was not in reality a fox. In truth, she was an old bitch of a shapeshifting crone named Grzelyla. To say that she was more than a little pissed at me for daring to fall on her without first gaining her permission would be a understatement. Right then and there, she cursed me. Wham! Bam! Before I could react or even knew what had happened, I was a frog. From my lily pad, I croaked and munched on passing flies. And I knew I was doomed to stay a wretched frog forever. Unless, perchance, I could find and then convince some ordinary person to kiss me, thereby breaking my enchantment.
“Say, aren't you an ordinary person? Have I told you recently, that I find you a most attractive young woman. Would you mind terribly giving me a quick little buss in order to break my curse. I'd be eternally grateful. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or lingering, and if it would upset you greatly, I'll promise not to use my tongue.”
“Eew. Gross.” replied Jennifer. “I'll have to think about this for a while. After all, you are kind of green and icky and slimy. By the way, if I kiss you, do you think I'll get warts on my lips?”
“Oh. Not again.” said the dejected frog.
“Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you come home with me? I think you'd really benefit from a change of scenery. Back in my apartment, I've got a bowl that we used for my brother's pet turtle that should be just about perfect for you and besides, if I decide to kiss you, you'll be a lot easier to find there, because I won't have to go wading through this whole pond to find you again. How's that sound? Deal?”
“Deal.” said the frog sounding more encouraged.
“By the way, my name's Jennifer.”
“And you, my Lady, may call me Lystan.”
“You know, my Lady Jennifer, this is a very nice bowl. It's very comfortable and the water temperature is just perfect. It's far superior to that old pond.” said Lystan.
“I just knew you'd love it.” beamed Jennifer.
“Have you decided to kiss me yet?”
“No. Not yet.”
“Oh.” replied the discouraged frog. “I guess there's really no hurry. What's another day or two after a thousand years? But it really would be exceptionally kind of you to kiss me. And I really hope you decide to kiss me very soon.”
Just then, the door opened and Jennifer's brother Alex, who shared the apartment and expenses, entered the room. “Hi, Jenn, what's up? And what's this fat old frog doing in Speedy's bowl.”
“I beg you pardon, sir.” replied the indignant frog. “But this bowl happens to be my new home, which was graciously provided me by the Lady Jennifer.”
“Where'd you find the talking wart dispenser?” asked Alex.
“Would you quit bothering Prince Lystan, Alex?”
“Oh, come on, Lady Jennifer.” mocked Alex. “Please don't tell me that Prince Lystan, the chunky talking frog there, has been trying to sell you that old shtick about restoring his enchanted princehood with a kiss from some nubile vestal virgin.”
“He didn't say anything about needing a virgin.” Sadly turning to the frog, she added “I don't think I'll be able to help you, Lystan.”
“I can't believe you're this gullible, Jenn. Look, I'll show you it's all a sham. I'll kiss this stupid old frog.” Alex reached down and lifted the frog out of the bowl. “Anything you want to say, Prince Lystan?”
“Yes. Please unhand me, varlet. And return me to my bowl this instant. If anyone here is to kiss me, it will be the Lady Jennifer. I do not want you to kiss any part of my body. I am not that kind of frog. Do you understand, young sir?”
“Perfectly. Here it comes.” replied Alex, who then proceeded to plant a wet one squarely on the squirming Lystan's slimy, green, and froggy lips.
In Alex's hand, Lystan shifted and began to grow heavier. Then, his froggish shape began to change.
The lights dimmed, then flickered.
Several light bulbs blew.
There was a brilliant flash of lightning, followed by a deafening crash of thunder.
There was a puff of smoke and when the smoke cleared, Alex no longer grasped a struggling frog. Instead, his hand held a human hand, which in turn tightly clasped his.
“Oh, my God!” exclaimed Jennifer. “Lystan! You told me you were a prince.”
“And so I am, dear lady.” replied Lystan. “But my voice sounds most uncommonly strange to me. Do either of you think it could it have something to do with the breaking of my enchantment?”
“It might, Lystan.” answered Alex. “But I have a feeling you'll be finding a few things around here plenty different from what you were expecting, babe.”
“You dare call a prince of the realm - babe.” said Lystan in an imperious tone, before sheepishly adding, “By the way, Alex, just what is this babe thing of which you speak.”
“It might be better to show you, Lystan.” replied Alex. “That should make the explanation fairly obvious, although I don't think you're going to like it much. Jenn, why don't you show Lystan to that full-length mirror in your room. And Lystan, once you get to the mirror, I want you take a long, long, long look at yourself.”
“Are you sure about this?” asked Jenn, looking back at Alex as she led a thoroughly
confused Lystan toward her room.
“Yup.”
“Well, okay then.”
As Jennifer led Lystan to her room, Alex stared after them. As they disappeared
inside, he shook his head. “One...” he thought.
“No! This isn't fair.” came Lystan's voice.
“Two.” thought Alex.
“After a thousand years of being a frog, someone finally gets around to kisses me. And instead of breaking my enchantment and restoring me to my princely self, I turn into this.”
“And three.” thought Alex.
“Alex?” came Jennifer's pleading voice. “Can you give me hand in here for a minute? Its Lystan. She's fainted.”
“You know something, Lystan?” asked Alex the next morning. “You're lucky that you and Jenn are about the same size. You'll be able to wear her clothes for a while, which will make it a lot easier on you. The two of you won't have to go out shopping for a whole new wardrobe for you. Besides, you fill out her clothes a hell of a lot better than she does. But maybe I think that way because Jenn's my sister.”
“Was that a compliment?”
“Sure was, babe.”
“Please, Alex, don't remind me. I really don't want to be this babe type person. I only want to be me.”
“Sorry about that, Lystan. It's a force of habit thing for me whenever I'm talking to a pretty woman.”
“I think I understand. It's some sort of compliment. Do you think that Jennifer will still be mad at me because I wouldn't wear her - what did she call it ... oh, yes - makeup?”
“Doubtful. We're all still adjusting to this situation.”
“That's kind of you to say, Alex.” sighed Lystan.
“No sweat, babe. Oops... Sorry.”
“Now don't you look good, Lystan.” said Jennifer as she entered the room. “Although, I still think a little makeup would do wonders for you. But there will be plenty of time...”
”Ding, dong” the doorbell interrupted.
“I'll get it.”
When Jennifer opened the door, standing in the outer hall was a short, officious-looking
man in an out-of-date, ill-fitting suit. She could barely contain her laughter when she saw the bow tie. In one hand, he held a briefcase, and in the other he held some strange-looking gadget.
“Can I help you?” she asked.
“Certainly, miss. According to the readings on my magicometer here, this is the place, where, last night, a very large store of magical energy was released and subsequently returned to the ether. From these readings, it is my opinion that either an extremely strong or a very ancient curse, possibly even both, was broken here last night. Would you know anything about that?”
“Just who, the hell, are you?”
“Forgive me, miss. My name is Cruxpunta. Since I've located the site of the magical energy's release, it will be my honor and privilege to help the restored cursee in any way he, she, or it may require. That's what my associates and I do; we volunteer our time and efforts to assist in the grand and noble purpose of our organization.”
“Which is?”
“Again forgive me, miss. Sometimes, I do not elucidate too well. It is the great purpose of the Cursee's Rehabilitative Aid Program to seek out victims recently released from their curses, re-educate them if necessary, and then help re-integrate them into our society.”
“So in more simple terms, Mr. Cruxpunta, you're from CRAP.”
“Simply Cruxpunta, miss. However, I am quite amazed, although thoroughly pleased, that you've heard of our organization. Would you believe that most people, including many of those recently released from a curse, have never even heard of CRAP. You would be absolutely astounded at the number of people who actually slam doors in our faces when we do our annual neighborhood pledge walks. It's as if, they've never been asked for a CRAP donation before.”
“I can imagine.” replied Jennifer.
“Now, I believe there is someone here in need of our services. Is there not?”
“I think so.” Jennifer responded cautiously. And not knowing what else to say she added “Won't you come in?”
As he entered, the gadget - his magicometer - started to beep. Knowing that Jennifer couldn't possibly be the source, he pointed it at Alex. The magicometer fell silent. As he turned and pointed it toward Lystan, it screamed back to life.
“So, young lady, you are our restored cursee. I sincerely hope you are not offended if I say how absolutely beautiful you are. You are also most fortunate, for it is extremely rare to be so completely restored when such a powerful enchantment is broken.”
“What do you mean restored completely, you idiot.” said Lystan angrily. “At the time I was cursed, I was Prince Lystan of Arnwell.” Putting her hands on her hips, she adds, “Do I look like a Prince to you? Look at me, I'm a girl now. Whatever makes you think my enchantment's broken?”
“My magicometer says so, miss. It's capable of reading all types of magical energies. Right now, all it indicates is a small curse residue, which should fade in a day or two, and an almost immeasurable anomalous energy of no importance. Ergo, miss, your enchantment, regardless of who or what you once were, is no more.”
“Then why is she a girl?” asked Alex.
“Yeah, in all the stories I've ever read, the person cursed always returns to his or her original form when the enchantment is broken.” added Jennifer. “If these stories are true, then why is Lystan a girl, when she used to be a prince?”
“I don't know.” replied Cruxpunta. “Maybe if I knew when the spell was cast or, better yet, who cast it. Maybe I could figure out what happened. And why you are now, the way you are, instead of the way you were.”
“I can help with those questions.” grumbled Lystan. “I was cursed about a thousand years ago by an old demented shapeshifting crone named Grzelyla.”
“Grzelyla!” exclaimed Cruxpunta. “Not the Grzelyla.”
“There's more than one?” asked an incredulous Lystan.
“The time frame is right. Oh, my! Just wait until I tell everyone back at CRAP headquarters that I met an actual victim of a Mother Grzelyla curse. They're going to be so jealous.”
“Mother Grzelyla?” asked Lystan.
“Oh, I forgot, you don't know. About two hundred years or so after she cursed you, Grzelyla founded the Unified Sorceries College, one of our most prestigious institutions of higher education.”
“Don't tell me.” groaned Jennifer. “USC. Right?”
“You continue to amaze me with the vastness of your knowledge, miss.”
“And you were a student at USC, I assume?”
“Unhappily, no. I applied, of course, but my grades were nowhere good enough. I am only a mere technician graduated from the Maledictive Institute of Technosorceries.”
“Not MIT?” moaned Alex.
“Just what has any of this to do with me being a girl?” asked Lystan impatiently.
“Maybe nothing. But possibly everything.” replied Cruxpunta. “Mother Grzelyla's records are on file at USC, although I can't guarantee yours, being as old as it is, will be there. And they're available for downloading from the MagicNet.”
“And how do we access this MagicNet?” asked Alex.
“That used to difficult, but since we've been able to interface and connect to the MagicNet through the Internet, which is available to virtually everyone, its now very simple. All we have to do is power up your PC, connect to your ISP, and with the web browser of your choice open USC's URL. From there, all we have to do is follow the links.”
“But we don't have an ISP.” said Jennifer.
“Or even a PC, for that matter.” added Alex.
“How unusual.” replied Cruxpunta. “I guess its time for plan B then.”
“Which is?” asked a very confused Lystan.
“A direct connection to the MagicNet, of course.”
“And how do we do that without an ISP or PC?” asked Alex.
“This isn't common knowledge, but the whole world is wired for the MagicNet, but if anyone asks how you found out, just remember you didn't hear it from me. All I need to do is connect your direct access MagicNet port to the serial port of my laptop using the proper cables and adapters.”
Opening his briefcase after setting it on the table near the phone, Cruxpunta removed a cable and a small laptop. He set the laptop on the table, while a pamphlet that had been between the cable and the laptop fell unnoticed to the floor. It was an odd sight to watch Cruxpunta tiptoe around the room carrying an RS-232 cable in one hand, while apparently feeling about empty space four inches below the ceiling with the other.
“I think he's crazy.” whispered Alex to Jennifer and Lystan.
“Eureka!” yelled Cruxpunta.
Then he plugged the cable into the empty space where he had his hand. When he turned to retrieve his laptop, the cable hung suspended from from apparent empty space.
“Maybe we're crazy.” whispered Alex.
Alex, Jennifer, and Lystan watched as Cruxpunta connected the cable to the laptop's
serial port, then powered it on. When it finished booting, all three were startled to hear a dulcet, sexy, and very feminine voice say “Welcome to MagicNet.”
“Good morning, MAI. How are you today?”
“My sensors and interfaces are within acceptable tolerances, Cruxpunta.”
“Amazing.” remark both Jennifer and Alex, while Lystan, totally lost and utterly confused by the technobabble, decides to remain silent.
“Yes MAI, our Magical Artificial Intelligence, is amazing. And she's absolutely indispensable.”
“Thank you, Cruxpunta.” replied MAI. “How may I help you today?”
“I'm looking for information about a curse cast by Mother Grzelyla about a thousand
years ago on Prince Lystan of Arnwell.”
“Seeking.” came the sexy voice. “I have located one file containing references to both Mother Grzelyla and Prince Lystan of Arnwell in the archive.”
“What does it say, MAI?”
“I do not know. The file has not been converted for use with my verbalization routines. However, if you'd like, I can easily download the data to a simple text file.”
“Please do so, MAI.”
“The file has been downloaded. It has been named 'LYSTAN.TXT' and has been placed in your root directory.”
“Thank you, MAI.”
“You are welcome, Cruxpunta.”
“Is there anything else?”
“No, not right now, MAI. You may terminate my session.”
“Thank you for using MagicNet. Disconnecting from MagicNet.”
After quickly disconnecting the cable from both ports, Cruxpunta popped up a window displaying the file 'LYSTAN.TXT.' As he read, he grunted a few times and said a few “ah's” and “oh's.” When he finished, he slowly turned to the three expectant faces. “Well, that explains just about everything.”
“Then why am I a girl?” asked Lystan.
“I think that will become obvious as I tell the story I've just read. I'll start at the beginning for Alex and Jennifer.
“Mother Grzelyla was in the woods in the guise of a small red fox, when a clumsy young boy, who she later learned was Prince Lystan of Arnwell, tripped over a log and fell on her. Fortunately, she wasn't hurt, but it did scare her and she was furious at the boy for falling on her without her permission. So she cast a standard boy-to-frog enchantment on the lad, which transformed him immediately into a chubby frog.”
“That's exactly the way I remember it.” stated Lystan.
“That's what I thought.” replied Cruxpunta. “That's the official story. But, and this must remain confidential among the four of us, it wasn't a standard boy-to-frog enchantment cast on you. Grzelyla made a couple of spur of the moment spot modifications before casting the curse.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Simply that Grzelyla never intended for your enchantment to be broken. She never intended for that clumsy boy to be restored. And she would have been happy if you remained a frog forever.”
“Then why am I girl?”
“I'm getting to that. One of those modifications caused people who came near you to think of you as green, icky, and slimy - not an image overly conducive to the cause of someone needing a kiss. And it also made those people worry about getting warts on their lips. Sound familiar?”
“So that's why nobody would kiss me.” sighed Lystan.
Jennifer blushed, as she remembered her own reaction.
“That modification was probably enough to keep you a frog forever; however, Grzelyla wanted to be absolutely certain you wouldn't be restored, so she inserted the second, more insidious, modification, which activated only in the event you were kissed. This modification replaced the strings normally carrying the cursee's restorative information with nulls.”
“What does that mean?” asked Lystan.
“It means that when Alex kissed you...”
“How did you know I kissed the frog?” asked Alex.
“Yeah, we never said who kissed Lystan.” added Jennifer.
“Alex is the obvious kisser.” replied Cruxpunta.
“Why?” asked Lystan.
“Simple. When he kissed you, the enchantment was broken, which forced the spell to access your restorative information, which was full of nulls. But the design intent for restoration from the standard boy-to-frog spell requires the nulls, potentially fatal when missing, to be loaded from the subconscious desires of the kisser. That was the information used during your restoration. No one generally notices one or two nulls normally loaded this way. But since all of your nulls were loaded this way, the results are extremely noticeable and, if you don't mind my saying so, extremely attractive.”
Lystan put her hands on her hips. “So, I'm now a girl because of Alex's subconscious.”
“In a nutshell.” replied Cruxpunta.
“What can I say, babe?” grinned Alex.
“What else can go wrong.” moaned Lystan.
“You mean Lystan's going to be a girl for the rest of her life?” asked Jennifer.
“Maybe.” replied Cruxpunta. “Maybe not.”
“What's that supposed to mean?” asked Lystan.
“According to the file, a small amount of magical energy was siphoned from the
restorative energies forming, in simple terms, a magical battery, which would then be used to power what Grzelyla referred to as an adaptive spell. If you remember, when I pointed my magicometer at Lystan earlier I noted an almost immeasurable anomalous energy, which at the time I thought was unimportant. I now believe that energy is the battery for the adaptive spell.”
“How do we trigger it?” asked Lystan.
“I don't know.” replied Cruxpunta. “It's not in the file.”
“What would it do?” inquired Jennifer.
Once again Cruxpunta replied, “I don't know. It's not in the file.”
“I don't care what it does.” said Lystan as he spread his arms in despair. “It can't be any worse than this.”
“Maybe someone back at CRAP has the answer. I'll go back and check with everybody in the office. It shouldn't take more than a couple days.”
“Swell.” whined Lystan.
After packing his laptop into his briefcase, Cruxpunta took out a pad of paper. He walked over to Lystan. “Excuse me, Prince Lystan.”
“Yes.”
“Could I have your autograph?”
Lystan stared at Cruxpunta. “Whatever for?”
“I kinda wanted something to show off at the office. I mean, you're an actual victim of a Mother Grzelyla curse. Between the file that MAI downloaded and your actual signature, they'll be so jealous they won't be able to think straight. Besides, it will make all of them want to help.”
“Oh, I suppose.” Taking the offered pad and pen, he quickly wrote on the paper 'Prince Lystan of Arnwell' before handing them back to Cruxpunta.
“Thank you, so much, Prince Lystan.” Cruxpunta set the pad gently in his briefcase before shutting it. “Hopefully, I should have some kind of answer for you in a couple of days. I'll be back.”
“I'll be here.” glumly retorted Lystan.
“We'll be here, too.” said Jennifer.
As Cruxpunta left, Lystan turned to Jennifer and Alex and plaintively asked “All right guys. What do we do now?”
“No!” exclaimed Lystan. “Absolutely not!”
“Why not?” asked Jennifer. “We've tried just about everything else we can think of to get that stupid spell of Grzelyla's to activate. Why not this?”
“Because I don't want to.” replied Lystan.
“Come off it, Lystan.” retorted Jennifer. “What have you got to lose? If it works, it works. And if it doesn't, you won't be any worse off because of it.”
“But nothing happened when I kissed you. Why should kissing Alex be any different? I'm a prince, Jenn. And I don't want to kiss Alex.”
“But, babe.” said Alex joining in the conversation, “Jenn and I are different, we're brother and sister. Whether you like it or not, you and Jenn are girls, while you and I...”
“Spare me, Alex.” interrupted Lystan.
“You know, Lystan. Alex sort of has a point. At least, in his own twisted little way.”
“He does?” asked Lystan.
“I do?” asked Alex. “And what did you mean twisted?”
“It's simple. You're who you are now, Lystan, because, according to Cruxpunta, Grzelyla's spell filled in your identity string from Alex's desires.”
“So.”
“What if the adaptive spell has one of your identity strings in its trigger. Cruxpunta said that Grzelyla didn't intend for you to ever be yourself again. With your natural aversion to kissing another male, kissing Alex may be the key to your release.”
“Wow, sis. That does make sense.”
“It even makes sense, even if somewhat perverse, to me.”
“So, Lystan, will you kiss Alex?”
“I suppose I must.” replied the dejected prince.
“All right, babe!” exclaimed Alex, as he put an arm around Lystan's waist. “Pucker
up, babe.”
“Settle down eager beaver.” replied Lystan. “I'm going to kiss you, but its just going to be a little peck on the cheek, so don't get too excited.” Lystan shifted slightly, then gave Alex the promised quick peck on the cheek.”
“Is that all?” complained Alex.
“Oh.” said Lystan. “I feel dizzy. Something must have happened. Maybe we should try this.” Lystan shifted again, before giving Alex a quick kiss square on the lips.
“That's better.” said Alex. “Lystan, what's going on? You're starting to glow.”
But Lystan didn't, or perhaps couldn't, say anything.
She, like Alex, stood transfixed. All either could do was stare into the other's eyes. Alex felt his lust for the glowing woman grow and could see Lystan's growing lust for him in her eyes.
Then, as Lystan shifted, she kissed him with fiery passion.
As their passions grew hotter, her glow grew brighter.
And the glow brightened it engulfed first Alex, then Jennifer.
“Don't you two ever quit?” complained Jennifer.
“Chill out, Jenn.” replied Alex. “You know that we're just your typical ordinary everyday horny newlyweds. Although how I ever landed someone like my Liselle, I'll never know.”
“You were just lucky, stud.” responded Liselle playfully. “Say I've got an idea.” She whispered something in Alex's ear.
“That sounds like a great idea, babe!” exclaimed Alex, as he swept his wife up in his arms and carried her off to their bedroom.
“Damn.” thought Jennifer. “Now I won't get any sleep tonight either. Sometimes they make me wish I hadn't let them move in. Alex was bad enough, but the two of them...”
But what was that on the floor near the phone.
It was some kind of pamphlet. Alex or Liselle must have dropped it there. After Jennifer picked it up and saw the title, she quickly wadded it up and tossed it in the trash can.
“They must think I'm really gullible.” said Jennifer to herself.
And in the trash can, a little pamphlet, entitled “Earning Extra Cash by Disenchanting
Frogs in your Spare Time,” faded away.
* * * Epilogue * * *
As might be expected, Alex and Liselle lived happily ever after. After all, that's the way enchanted frog stories are supposed to end.
Of their three children, only one had a slightly green complexion. And all three had a birthmark on their upper lip that resembled a wart. But in all other respects, they were remarkably average children.
Jennifer was kidnapped by aliens.
She was returned after three weeks, when the aliens finished whatever it is aliens do to the people they kidnap.
Alex and Liselle never knew she was missing.
And Jennifer is pregnant.
She says Elvis is the father.
And poor Cruxpunta.
After searching all day and finding nothing, he'd returned exhausted to CRAP headquarters.
There was a paper in briefcase, bearing a signature in a frilly feminine hand complete to the “i's” dotted with little hearts. He had absolutely no idea who “Liselle d'Arnwell Wrigley” was or why he had her signature.
And when he booted up his laptop, he was surprised to find a file 'LYSTAN.TXT' in his root directory. He didn't remember downloading it, even though MAI had told him that he had. The file contained a simple transcript, just like hundreds he'd read before, of a prince who'd angered Mother Grzelyla and been enchanted into a frog about a thousand years ago.
There was nothing more.
Cruxpunta deleted the file and tossed the paper in the trash. There was nothing worth saving. The similarity of names was pure and simple coincidence. After all this time, there was little possibility that “Liselle d'Arnwell Wrigley” and “Prince Lystan of Arnwell” could have anything even remotely in common.
THE END
Comments
Better Than the Origional
I like this version better than the one at Fictionmania. That one was good.
Better?
Thank you, but I didn't change anything apart from those horrible underscores that signify some sort of text formatting.
I wouldn't do that to one of Bill's stories anyway. I would incur the wrath of some wizard with a headache and who knows how I might turn out?
Mind you, it could be an improvement - a six foot four inch raddish!
Nick
Keeping underscore
_Underscores placed like this_, or, in some cases, /slashes placed like this/, are underline-or-italic toggles, intended to turn on and off italic handling in the final presentation. *Asterisks like this* are bold toggles. This is an informal convention for passing simple emphatic font-formatting, at least, in plain ASCII text messages such as Usenet story-postings. I know it's a fanfic convention; where it originated, and how widespread it's gotten by now, I know not.
Hey! I like radishes
But there's no need to go mad; six foot four wouldn't fit in my fridge!
Great little tale this, even though the Mad Hatter, Prince Charming, Snow White and Cinderella don't get a look in!
Susie
In your fridge?
Not sure I want to be in your fridge.
No disrespect, but I prefer room teperature and the light would be off every time you shut the door. That's no fun at all.
Not sure I want to be a raddish either.
So call me picky, but I quite like what I am. Compared to a raddish anyway...
Nick
once upon a frog
Your "magic gone wrong" type stories are hilarious, this one as much as the others, and I do enjoy your use of mood-setting dialogue, e.g. a frog with attitude after a thousand year curse. Keep them coming, Nick,
Regards,
Joanne
How sad!
You have a very well told story here, but it veers for to close to personality deletion and character death for my taste. Liselle kinda ruined the whole thing for me, which was too bad, because I really wanted to see what CRAP had to say. The whole ending just didn't seem connected. What do aliens have to do with an ex-cursed ex-prince?