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Part 7

The weekend between Tracy's party and my first visit to Doctor Dinesh's office, felt like the longest two days of the summer. Outside the doctor's office the weather felt hot and sticky. Inside it felt cold and uninviting. I didn't even get that stuffy feeling you get in most doctor's offices. As I sat in the waiting room, I thought I could even deal with sick people around me, if it would just get rid of the odd feeling I had.

Tom sat beside me, quietly filling out paperwork. He and my mother had kept me quite busy the whole weekend. I think it was partly to keep my mind off of this appointment. It also kept me from slipping back into my usual routine. Which was a good thing. I probably would have gone into normal mode and blown off the appointment. However, now I couldn't get rid of the anxiety welling up inside of me.

"You don't have any allergies do you?" Tom asked.

"None that I know of," I said.

He gave me a reassuring look, and went back to the paperwork. How little he actually knew about me. I didn't know if choosing Tom to take care of this was the right thing, but it felt better than having mom do it. For some reason I could picture my mother bringing her lovey-dovey approach to the situation, and end up doing things based on what she wanted. At the moment, I didn't believe she had my best interests at heart, but rather hers.

Tom on the other hand wanted to get to the bottom of it. He claimed he didn't care what the outcome was, he just wanted to know what the outcome would be. I watched him lean to the side and pull out his wallet from the right back pocket of his jeans. He pulled out a card and copied off some numbers from it onto the paper. I had to believe he was in this for the truth, rather than a hopeful wish.

"Do you think we'll know today?" I asked.

"I don't know," Tom said. "We'll just have to wait and see."

The secretary at the desk, a frail woman in her mid fifties, glanced up at us. She probably didn't have a lot to do, and seemed to be anxiously awaiting the paperwork. I looked at the television. The usual daytime talk show illuminated the screen. Boring! I looked down at the corner filled with toys. Six or so years ago, I would've been occupying my time with the train set or blocks, my mind a hundred miles from here. There were magazines, but mostly adult reading material.

I stared at the clock on the wall. Soon my mind was absorbed in the sound of each second ticking away. Tom scribbled away at the paperwork next to me. Before long a door opened across the sea of light blue carpet, and a young nurse stepped through. Her hair exploded in vibrant red curls from a band holding it tightly behind her head. The light blue scrubs she wore clung to what I could only imagine was a very fit body underneath.

"Bailey?" the nurse said, looking at me with her gorgeous hazel eyes.

"That's me," I said, having to reevaluate my name for a second.

"Well come on back sweetie," the nurse said. "Your stepfather can finish the paperwork."

I gave Tom a quick glance, but he only encouraged me to go on. Usually my mother would go back with me to see the doctor. I didn't really feel comfortable playing the adult now, but I guess Tom figured I could handle it. As I slipped from the chair and walked toward the nurse, I suddenly felt very self-conscious. She watched my every step, and smiled when I drew closer to her.

"My name's Jennifer," the nurse said, offering her hand. "Or you may call me Nurse Sweeny. Whichever makes you feel more comfortable."

I took her hand and shook it. She ushered me through the door and closed it behind us. As I stood there on the other side of the door, Jennifer did a quick assessment of me. She wrote some things down on a chart. Then she looked me over again, and wrote a little more. With pen in hand, she gestured toward some scales.

"We'll get you measured and weighed," Jennifer said. "Then you'll see Doctor Dinesh. Okay?"

"Okay," I said, a bit of nervousness lifting my voice.

"Shoes off," Jennifer said. "Then step up on the scales."

I kicked off my white mule sneakers. My mother had suggested I put on whatever would make me feel comfortable today. What made me feel comfortable happened to be female clothing. I didn't go overboard with it, but I clearly stepped out of the house looking like a young girl. If my clothing didn't give me away instantly, my flirty female hairstyle and bright pink nails did for sure.

"Do you always dress this way Bailey?" Jennifer asked. Her face was buried in her clipboard.

I wanted to lie, but the truth would only help me in the long run. "I've been dressing more and more lately."

"Is your wardrobe all feminine attire?" She looked up at me. "Or do you have boy things as well?"

"I have both." I watched her start to scribble at the paper. "But I haven't worn many boy things this month."

Jennifer looked up at me. She studied my face for a moment. Then she lowered her face to the clipboard and started to scribble away at it again. For a lengthy moment I stood there in silence as she wrote. Through my lightweight ankle socks, I could feel the cold steel of the scales under my feet. Finally Jennifer looked up at me.

"Do you feel comfortable with what you're wearing?" she asked.

I looked down at my jeans. They were the pair my mother had bought me, with the pink butterfly leaving a glittery trail of pink up the leg. Though they were a bit tight, they weren't horribly uncomfortable. The bright yellow top I picked out, hugged a bit, and the cap sleeves gave that feeling of wanting to pull them down for more coverage. As my eyes came back up to meet Jennifer's, I suddenly realized this probably wasn't at all what she was asking.

"I feel comfortable in girls' clothing," I said. "I usually wear skirts."

Jennifer went back to scribbling at the clipboard. "I meant the attire you had on at the moment," she said. "You seem a bit uncomfortable, but your answer was good." She looked up at me. "The more open and honest you are with your answers, the better we can find the right course of action for you."

"Well in that case," I said. "The jeans are a bit tight, and my arms are freezing. I'm a bit nervous too."

"It is a bit cold in here." Jennifer smiled at me. "The jeans are cute though," she said. "Where did you find them?" She reached behind me to mess with the measuring stick on the scales.

"My mother found them in a consignment shop," I said. "We both found quite a few things actually."

"Frugal and stylish," Jennifer said. "Smart girl." She paused with what she was doing to look at me. "Do you mind being called a girl?"

"It doesn't bother me," I said. "I'm kind of getting used to it."

"Okay," Jennifer said. "Thought I would ask. Some do. Some don't. It all depends." She went back to measuring me. "Four feet…" She leaned a bit closer to read the measurement. "Nine inches."

"Is that good or bad?" I asked.

"It's about average," Jennifer said. She glanced at me. "Try not to worry too much. You'll just stress yourself out." She started to play with the sliders on the scales. "Ninety three pounds." She pulled back to look me in the eyes. "Again, about average."

I could tell she was trying to get me to relax. Though this felt like any normal doctor visit so far, I knew it would take a drastic turn at some point. That was the part that made me nervous. Jennifer had me step down from the scales. She scribbled away at the clipboard as I slipped my shoes back on. When Jennifer finally finished jotting things down, she beckoned me to come with her to an examination room.

"Some of the questions Doctor Dinesh may ask will be very personal," Jennifer said, "but remember, the more open you are, the better." She stepped over to the examination table. "After I leave, we'd ask that you remove your top and bra, and put on this gown." She pointed at what looked like a folded up blue sheet on the table. "The opening goes in the back, if you've never worn one before." She stepped back over to the door. "This is just a routine physical, so don't be nervous. Okay?"

"I'll try," I said.

Jennifer gave me a reassuring smile, and then removed herself from the room. The door shut with a resounding click, giving the room an even colder feeling. I pulled my shirt off, and draped it across the examination table. As I fumbled with my bra, I looked around the room. There were the typical charts you would see in any examination room. However, there were other charts I had never seen before.

On one wall there was a chart of several different drawings of what appeared to be a penis, but in various stages of development. Next to that was another chart showing various stages of female reproductive organs, but some with a penis drawn on the model. Both of these charts boggled my mind. However, another chart stole my attention for what seemed like an hour. It had various words with definitions. Among those words were cross-dresser, transsexual, and transvestite.

I carefully read the definitions of several of the words. Mindlessly I pulled the examination gown from the table. As I fidgeted with the gown, I continued to read. My mind seemed on the verge of information overload. Somehow I managed to get the gown on as I read. By the time I had the laces tied at the small of my back, I heard a gentle knock on the door. The door scooted open slowly, and an Indian man, nearing his forties, walked into the room.

"Bailey?" the man asked, closing the door behind him.

"Hi," I said, nervously collecting my bra and shirt.

"I am Doctor Dinesh," the man said with a slight accent. "You may call me Rajan if you like." He gestured to the chair in the corner. "You may put your things over there."

I quickly tossed my belongings onto the chair. "Nice to meet you Rajan."

"Nice to meet you as well Bailey," Rajan said. "Could I ask you to please remove your shoes, socks and jeans as well?"

He noticed my hesitation, and turned to a counter in the room to write on a clipboard. After making sure he wouldn't turn back suddenly, I kicked my sneakers off and pushed them under the chair. Then I double-checked to make sure he wasn't looking again, and went to unfasten my jeans. I felt I had to be modest in front of him, even if he was a doctor. I slipped my jeans off and draped them across the chair. Rajan turned back around as I was putting my socks in the chair.

"Thank you Bailey," he said. "Have a seat on the table please."

He leaned over and pulled out a step from within the table. I walked to the foot of the table, and stepped up onto the step. Rajan flipped through sheets on his clipboard. When I turned to sit on the table, I instinctively smoothed the gown beneath me. Rajan glanced up from the clipboard at that moment, and then clicked his pen. He set about scribbling on the clipboard, before setting it down on the counter. Then he stepped over in front of me.

"Have you had any changes in appetite lately?" Rajan asked, putting his hands on my neck to feel my glands. "Eating less, or eating more?"

"Maybe eating a little less," I said.

"Uh huh," Rajan said. "Any pain, discomfort, dizziness or feelings of lightheadedness?"

"No."

Rajan pulled the gown down slightly and examined my neckline. "Are you experiencing any mood swings, or any bouts of depression?"

"I get sad sometimes," I said, "but not depressed."

He paused to look directly into my eyes. "Any thoughts of suicide?"

"No!" I said. "Not at all."

"Good," Rajan said. "Why don't you tell me about how you started dressing?"

As I told Rajan the events of the past month, he continued to examine me. He took up my left wrist, slowly and carefully looking up and down my arm, and then turned it to look at the other side. Then he repeated it with my right arm. He even closely examined my armpits. I continued to ramble on my account of the summer up to this point.

Next Rajan examined my left leg, all the way from mid-thigh down to my toes. When he reached my feet, he took extra care to check in between my toes along with my soles. He then repeated the process on my right leg. This all took several minutes. Every so often he would look up at me, reassuring me to continue with my account. The last thing he checked was the back of my neck and behind my ears.

"Lie back please," Rajan said, during a pause in my story.

I laid back on the table, and Rajan came over to my side. He started feeling around my abdomen, poking and prodding in various areas, as I continued the story. Before long he had me sit back up, and pulled out a small hammer and tested my reflexes. Then he went back to the chart and started jotting things down. A moment of silence filled the room.

"Please go on," Rajan said.

"That's all of it," I said.

"So you've been out several times as a girl in public?" Rajan asked, sitting on a stool to face me. "Including today?"

"About half of the summer so far," I said.

"I see…" Rajan scribbled something down. "Do you enjoy being a girl?"

"It's fun at times," I said. "But a lot of hard work to keep up with it all."

"I can imagine," Rajan said. "You do pretty well keeping up appearances."

He stood up and brought his stethoscope up to his ears. Then he stepped around behind me, and opened my gown slightly. In a few seconds I felt the cold end of the stethoscope on my back. Rajan did the routine check, making me breathe normally while moving the stethoscope to various spots. Then he pulled the gown off of my left shoulder and checked a few spots in the front.

I fixed my gown back as he stepped away. He returned a few seconds later and examined my ears. Then he checked my blood pressure and temperature. After a quick check of my throat, he discarded the tongue depressor and sat back on his stool. For several moments he wrote away on the clipboard. I was scared he was going to run out of paper before too long. This made me chuckle, and he caught it.

"Something funny?" Rajan asked.

"I was just thinking you're going to run out of room to write after awhile."

Rajan dropped his head and chuckled. "Well… we just want to see if you're healthy physically," he said. "And from the look of things, you're in pretty good shape." He put the clipboard in his lap and looked up at me. "But now I'm afraid I'm going to have to get a bit more personal with you."

"Okay," I said.

"Some of the things I'll ask might make you feel a bit uncomfortable," Rajan said. "If you would like, I can have your stepfather sit in for this part."

"I think that would make me more uncomfortable," I said.

"I understand," Rajan said. "I just want to reassure you that I'm a professional and a specialist in this field of medicine, but it appears that what you are dealing with is a gender identity disorder. Unfortunately this involves sexual organs, and at most times some embarrassing topics."

I swallowed hard. "I think I can handle it."

"All I ask is that you be open and honest," Rajan said. "If something makes you uncomfortable, let me know, and we can come back to it later when you're more comfortable."

"Okay."

Rajan pulled the clipboard up, and clicked his pen. "We'll start with some easy questions to help you feel more comfortable," Rajan said. "Do you enjoy the feelings associated with dressing as the opposite sex?"

"I like how the clothes feel."

Rajan nodded. "More than your male attire?"

"A lot more," I said. "Mostly I like the materials and the way some of them are lighter than my boy clothes."

"Do you feel vulnerable in the clothing?" Rajan asked.

"I do," I said. "Especially with skirts."

"That's understandable," Rajan said. "Do you like that feeling?"

I thought for a moment on this question. The questions were obviously aimed to get me thinking, and progressively get harder. Did I like the feeling of being vulnerable? I recalled Tom taking me over his knee, revealing his dominance over my vulnerability when he spanked me. Though I didn't like that at all, I did like the way Nathan took extra care to treat me with respect. Damn it! Why did I always come back to thinking about Nathan at times like this?

"I guess I like the way people treat me," I said.

"How do you mean?"

"Everything's more gentle," I said. "I never liked people being rough with me, and I never liked being rough to others. Some boys tend to show me more respect now."

Rajan wrote on his clipboard. "You don't get a lot of respect from other boys?"

"Not really," I said. "I haven't even talked to my male friends from school."

"Are you afraid of how they would react to the new you?"

"I don't think they'd like it," I said. "They'd probably beat me up or something."

"Do you think you could face them again, if it meant you'd be able to live as a girl?"

"I would definitely try," I said. "I just don't know how they'd take it."

"Do you have fantasies about boys coming to your rescue, or defending you in some way?"

"None that I can think of."

"Do you ever have thoughts of being with a boy?" Rajan asked.

"I…"

Rajan looked up from the clipboard. "This is strictly between you and I. Whatever you tell me won't leave this room."

"Just one," I said.

"What's his name?" Rajan asked, going back to writing.

"Nathan," I said. "He lives down the street from me."

"What is it you like about Nathan?" Rajan asked.

"He gets me," I said.

"Gets you?" Rajan looked up at me. "How so?"

"Like…" I looked at the floor. "He tries to involve me in things, even though he knows I'm different. It doesn't really change things between us." I looked back up to see Rajan nodding.

"So you've been around Nathan as a girl and boy, and it doesn't phase him?"

"No…" I said. "He's never seen me as a boy."

"But he knows you are a boy?" Rajan asked.

"Yes," I said. "I had to tell him."

"And after telling him, he still didn't see you as a boy?"

"I always dress as a girl when he comes over."

"Do you go out of your way to dress for him?" Rajan asked. "Do you want him to see you as a girl?"

"I guess so," I said. "In a way. I never really thought about it though. I just thought he'd be more comfortable seeing me as a girl, since he knew and didn't ever see me as a boy."

"Are you saying you were dressing to please him?" Rajan asked, looking up again from the clipboard.

"Maybe…" I said. "I think it was more out of convenience."

Rajan nodded, going back to the clipboard. "Do you find this boy attractive?"

The questions were starting to get more personal. I shifted on the examination table. The sound of rustling paper filled the room. Rajan looked up from his clipboard. I dropped my eyes, not wanting to look into his. He sat there quietly. It became increasingly obvious I would have to answer this eventually.

"Take your time," Rajan said.

I waited until he went back to his clipboard. "He's attractive," I said. "I can't deny that. But I don't think he's attracted to me."

"Do you think about him a lot?" Rajan asked.

I sighed. "I do. He seems to come up in everything."

"Everything?"

"I'll be doing something totally random, like watching TV," I said. "And I'll just think about what Nathan would think if he saw something that popped on." I paused. "Or like the other day when I was at the spa, I thought about how he would react if he saw me then."

"When was the last time you thought about him?" Rajan asked.

"When you asked me the question about feeling vulnerable," I said.

"Nathan makes you feel vulnerable?" Rajan asked.

"No," I said. "I don't know. Sort of?" I searched my thoughts for a moment. "He's the type of guy that would see me in a vulnerable spot, and take care not to crush it."

"You're saying he's the one that's gentle with you?" Rajan asked. "He treats you like a girl?"

"Yes."

"And you like this feeling?"

"Yes."

"Do you have sexual fantasies about Nathan?" Rajan asked. "Do you think about kissing him, or doing more than being friendly with him?"

Well now I will! I looked up at the ceiling. "None that I can recall."

"Are you sexually active?" Rajan asked, keeping his head down.

"I had…" I paused. "It was one time with my girlfriend."

"Oh," Rajan said. "Were you dressed during this experience with your girlfriend?"

"Yes," I said.

"Is this the same girl you mentioned earlier?" Rajan asked. "The one that helped you dress the first time?"

"Yes," I said. "She's the same one."

"You mentioned she likes you being a girl," Rajan said. "You don't dress solely for her approval do you?"

"No," I said. "I mean, I would dress if she asked me to, obviously I did the first time, but I don't dress for her alone anymore. I actually like it." I looked at the top of Rajan's head and studied his curly black hair. "I would probably dress if she didn't like it, but her liking it makes us both happy."

"You said you had sex with this girl?" Rajan asked.

"It wasn't sex really," I said. I glanced away before he raised his head to look at me. "I don't know what to call it."

"Can you at least explain what happened?" Rajan asked. "Take your time."

"I still had panties on," I said. "She was naked though." I looked at my bare feet hovering over the step of the table. "We kind of rubbed against each other."

"Did you act as if you were a girl during this experience?" Rajan asked.

"Yes," I said. "I think that's what got her so into it."

"Did you become erect?" Rajan asked.

"No…" I thought over my experiences with Tiffany. "In fact, I've never become erect while dressed."

"Never?"

"I can't recall it ever happening," I said.

"How often do you experience an erection?" Rajan asked.

"I don't have many at all," I said. "Maybe once a week."

Rajan reached up and rubbed his chin. He scribbled something on the clipboard. Then he flipped through several of the papers. I sat there in silence, freezing my knees off in the cold room. Eventually Rajan pulled a sheet of paper from the clipboard, and rearranged it so it was on top. Then he stood up and stepped over to me.

"Have you experienced any blunt trauma to your genitalia?" Rajan asked. "Either recently or in the past that you can recall?"

"Not that I can…"

My words hung in midair like a man holding desperately to the edge of a cliff. Then my thoughts took me back to the pool party. Tiffany banged against me several times that night, and almost had me doubling over in pain. I forgot all about it, as there wasn't any pain the next day. The next day, however, was when we were rubbing up against each other, so it was easy to forget. I conveyed this entire chain of events to Rajan, and he stood there staring at me.

"So this happened the night before?" Rajan asked.

"Yes," I said. "I haven't had any erections since then that I can recall."

"I'd like to take a look," Rajan said, pulling two gloves from a box on the counter. "To make sure nothing was damaged."

I nodded silently. Rajan had me lean back on my elbows. He snapped on the gloves and waited patiently as I shimmied my white panties, covered with colorful dots, down to my knees. When they reached my knees, he helped me remove them the rest of the way. It felt a bit odd having him hand my panties over to me. I'd had a doctor touch my genitals before, for the usual cough test, but never had to have one hand me my panties.

"Put your feet in these," Rajan said, pulling out the stirrups from the table. "And scoot your bottom up to the edge of the table."

This was a first. I thought only women used these things when they were pregnant or something. I slipped first my left foot into a stirrup, and then my right foot. As I scooted toward the foot of the table, I could hear Rajan wheeling his stool up. After adjusting his gloves, he pulled my gown away to expose more of me. Then he looked up at me and put his hands on my thighs.

"Just lean back and relax," he said. He patted my thighs. "Relax your legs."

I couldn't relax. Everything about this seemed uncomfortable. What could I do though? I couldn't scream and run out of the exam room in nothing but a gown. If there was indeed a problem, I definitely needed to know about it. I trusted he had done this all before, being a doctor and all, and let Rajan go about his business. Though my mind never wandered further than where he touched me.

"Have you experienced any pain or swelling since the incident?" Rajan asked.

"Really bad pain the first night," I said. "But it was gone in the morning. There was a slight bruise where she bumped against me. I haven't noticed any swelling or pain since then."

"Well the area looks a bit swollen right now," he said.

Rajan cupped his hand around my scrotum. It made me jump, but not in pain. He patted my right thigh with his left hand, coaxing me to relax. For a moment it felt like he was weighing them in his hand. Soon he went about squeezing and rolling my testicles gently between his fingers. He pulled down on them lightly, and felt with his other hand the various cords above them.

"Does any of this hurt?" Rajan asked.

"A bit of dull pain when you pulled down," I said.

"Not unusual," Rajan said. "They didn't hurt when I squeezed them?"

"No…"

Rajan turned to write something down. "Any pain while urinating, or signs of blood in your urine?"

"I've been going a bit more."

"Do you wake up to go?"

"Maybe once a week," I said.

"Well they seem to be okay," Rajan said. "I can schedule you for an ultrasound to be sure." He wheeled away on his stool. "I don't think it's necessary though. I'd just like you to keep an eye on the area, and let me know if there are any changes."

"They're okay then?" I looked up over my knee to see him scribbling away at his clipboard.

"It might be nothing to worry about, because you haven't started puberty yet it seems," Rajan said. "But they're a little small for your age. They should have grown close to their adult size by now." He put the clipboard down and turned to face me. "It's a long shot, but I'd like to have some blood work done. You might have what's called hypogonadism."

"What is that?"

"It's when the gonads, in your case the testicles, have decreased activity. Like I said, it's a long shot, but it could explain a bit about what you're going through," Rajan said. "You seem to have a few of the symptoms." He looked at the paperwork. "We'd have to run some tests, and have you come in for a follow up." He stepped over and covered me a bit with the gown. "I wouldn't worry too much about it. You may just be a late bloomer."

"What happens if it is hypo…"

"Hypogonadism," Rajan said. "We would have to treat it with testosterone replacement therapy. Hopefully it would jumpstart your system into puberty as well." He gave me a sincere look. "Again, I wouldn't worry about it until we know something."

Rajan patted my knee. Then he helped me get my feet out of the stirrups. As I sat back up, I immediately pulled the gown down to cover myself as much as possible. Rajan hardly paid any attention to me. He went back to scribbling on the clipboard a little more. After a bit of awkward silence, he clicked his pen shut. Then he turned and gave me a reassuring smile.

"I'm going to step out and have a conversation with your stepfather," Rajan said. "Just sit tight. Jennifer will be in to take some blood, and then you can be on your way."

"Thanks Rajan," I said.

"Don't be so glum," Rajan said, pulling off his gloves to discard them. "You're actually in better shape than you think."

He shook my hand, and then removed himself from the room. Several minutes passed. I spent the time alone in silence, contemplating what his diagnosis even meant. I even checked to see if hypogonadism was on the chart full of words, but it wasn't there at all. This was all too adult for me, and I started to wish my mother was here. She would've understood this. At least I thought she would.

Jennifer eventually entered the room. She made some comment about how cute it was that my toenails matched my fingernails. Then she became my worst enemy for a few minutes, as she took blood from my arm like it was water from an ocean. After she finished, she told me to take a few minutes before getting up and dressed. I didn't feel lightheaded like she said I might. I just wanted to get my clothes back on and go home.

That would have to wait. Before I left, I had to see the secretary up front. She seemed all chipper that she actually got to be a part of my visit. After a quick rundown of my visit, and stating everything about me checked out physically, she gave me a packet to take home. She explained inside there were some questionnaires to bring back with me the next time I visited, or I could drop them off there at the office. Great! Homework…

Tom went ahead and scheduled my next appointment for mid August. I wasn't too happy with that, because it happened to be a week before school started. Not only that, but it only gave me a little over three weeks to go through questions that might take me a lifetime to answer. I felt it was Tom's little ploy to get me "cured" before I went back to school. As I turned away from the counter, I came face to face with someone very familiar.

"Meg?"

"Oh," Megan said shyly. "Hey Bailey." She produced a smile on her youthful olive-colored face.

"I wanted to talk to you at the party," I said, "but I didn't get a chance."

"I can give you my number," Megan said.

"Hey Tom," said a man who looked to be Megan's father. "Nice to see you again."

"Mark," Tom said, shaking the man's hand. "How are you?"

"Just bringing Megan in for a checkup," Mark said. "I see you took my advice."

"I didn't know where to turn," Tom said. "But when you told me about Megan, and then suggested Doctor Dinesh." He glanced at me. "I thought we'd at least see."

"Well I hope everything works out for you two," Mark said. "Maybe we'll see each other on poker night again."

"Count on it," Tom said. "You took me to the cleaners last time."

Tom and Mark laughed and joked about a few other things. Meanwhile, Megan quietly wrote her number down on the back of my appointment card. When she finished she lifted her pretty almond-shaped eyes to look into mine, and gave me a pleasant smile. I thanked her, right before Tom announced it was time to leave. We left shortly after, and I sat in silence for the first half of the ride home.

"So you know Megan huh?" Tom asked.

"From the party Friday," I said. "She was in my class too, but I don't know much about her."

"Well you two have a lot more in common than you think," Tom said.

"So I've heard…"

"Her dad was in the military," Tom said. "He wasn't home a lot, until recently when he got discharged." He leaned forward to look at a stoplight. "About a year ago Megan started showing signs she wanted to be a girl. Even wearing her mom's things. Mark caught her prancing around in his wife's slip and pantyhose." He glanced at me. "I guess things like that happen when you don't have a male role model around all of the time." His face turned back to the street. "Anyway, he met Rajan, and they got it all sorted out. Come to find out his son was made to be a girl."

"Really?"

"They said the best time to figure it out is when you're young," Tom said. "It's a lot easier to start the changes then." He paused for a moment. "They found out for Megan before puberty hit, which made it really easy on her to transition."

"So she's a girl now?"

"Well…" Tom glanced at me and then back to the street. "Almost. She has a bit more to go through until that decision is made, but she'll be going to school as a girl. It's called something like an adjustment phase."

I couldn't believe it. The thought of being a girl captured my attention for the rest of the ride home. My mother wanted to know everything about the visit to Doctor Dinesh, but I didn't feel like discussing it with her. I felt like there wasn't much to discuss. Rajan had said I was perfectly healthy, and even if I had a problem, he said it was a long shot. So really, what was there to say? There might be a problem? Why get my family worked up over something that could be nothing?

The week seemed to drag after Monday's doctor visit. I spent most of the afternoons filling in what few questions I thought I could answer on the papers they gave me. To be honest, questionnaires happened to be an understatement. What they gave me seemed more like a test to get into an ivy league college. How was I supposed to express how I felt, with my limited sixth grade vocabulary, on tests written by some snob who went to college for half of his life?

By the weekend I gave up on the test. Tiffany called me on Friday, and I got my mom to take us to see My Best Friend's Wedding before it disappeared from the theaters. Even though I wasn't in the mood for a movie like that, it was a bonus to see Julia Roberts again on the big screen. I'd always had a little crush on her. Honestly, the movie wasn't that bad either.

I had no choice, but to go as a girl to the movie. Though I easily could have thrown on some of my boy clothes and gone, I'd been too busy that week to do anything with my hair. I still had this girly half-punk-half-emo hairstyle. So I dressed as a girl more out of convenience. Tiffany didn't seem to mind, and we had a pretty good time for being chaperoned.

When Monday rolled around, I figured I had to get back to the questionnaire. Afternoons went by, and I wrote until my hands hurt. We didn't have a computer yet, as Tom saw them as another thing to keep fixing. So I handwrote my answers to question after question. I even got so involved with it by Thursday, that I skipped dinner to finish a section of it. By Saturday I couldn't take it anymore.

I remember the sun peaking through my window that Saturday morning. Tom had gone off to work, and my mother had picked up an extra day of work at her office. Her company had some major deal they had to complete by the end of summer, and she was getting more and more involved in it. In the living room I could hear my brother and Nathan watching television. Their voices carried through the house as they commented on the show they watched.

I hadn't seen Nathan since the day I played football with him. For some reason I really wanted to let him see my new hairstyle. I'd followed the advice I received from the spa, and every day had taken time to moisturize with what Melanie gave me. I even pushed myself to steal my mom's razor and shaved the peach fuzz off of my legs that week.

Everything I'd done, from taking care of my nails to learning how to walk in heels, made me feel extremely feminine, and I wanted to show it to Nathan. However, there was a huge problem. Somewhere between getting up that morning and going to my closet to find what to wear, I had collapsed in a heap on the floor. My mind had simply overloaded from everything I had to think about the past two weeks. Thoughts started to go in loops, bringing up the same questions over and over.

Why did I want to see Nathan? Why did I think he wanted to see me? Did I want him to see me as a girl? What did I have to prove by showing I was more girly now? Did I want to impress him? What am I going to wear? What could I wear that would impress him? Why did I want to see Nathan… as a girl?! Then I heard voices drawing closer to my door.

"Where is she anyway?" Nathan asked. "I kinda wanted to say hi."

"I thought she'd be up by now," Justin said. "Let me check on her."

A gentle knock sounded on my door. I didn't even have the will to answer. With a large pile of clothes around me, boys' and girls', I sat amidst it all in nothing but white panties and a white padded bra. The bra wasn't even closed in the back, and drooped off of my right shoulder. Clothes sat over my legs, which were situated out in front of me with my knees bent and facing outward. I could see my pink toenails sticking out from underneath it all.

"Bailey?" Justin asked quietly, as my door swept open over the carpet of my room. "You okay?" A moment of silence passed. "Bailey?" He stepped into my room. "I think something's wrong with her," he said to Nathan, who still stood in the hallway.

"What?" Nathan asked. "What's wrong with her?"

"I don't know," Justin said. "She's not responding at all."

"Bailey?" Nathan asked, stepping into the room.

"I don't think you should…" Justin's voice trailed off.

"No it's okay," Nathan said. "Bailey?"

I realized his voice was close now. Nathan was actually in my room. He saw me like this! I still couldn't move though. Maybe I didn't want to move. If I just sat still, maybe they'd give up and go away. No such luck.

"Come on…" Justin said. "Say something."

"I don't want you guys to see me like this," I said.

"But I'm your brother," Justin said.

"Why don't you go get her some water," Nathan asked, "and an aspirin, or something?"

"Stay here with her," Justin said, before rushing out of the room.

"Bailey…" Nathan said, dragging out the vowel sounds of my name.

"You guys should just go," I said. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," Nathan said. "Can I come over there?"

"Why?"

"I thought maybe you might need a little help digging out," he said. "Looks like your closet exploded on you."

I smiled. For the first time that week, someone had made me smile. My eyes got misty, and a chill ran up my spine. It just had to be Nathan. Why was he so damn nice to me? He didn't know me at all, yet he looked out for me like I was his sister. When I didn't respond to him, he quietly stepped over to me.

"What were you trying to do?" Nathan asked, his voice hushed beside me.

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, and then clenched my lips for a moment. He wasn't going away. "I…"

"Why don't we start with this?" Nathan asked, moving to slide my bra strap back onto my shoulder. Then he hooked it closed behind me. "Better?"

I nodded quietly. Justin came back in the room. He handed Nathan a glass of water, and an aspirin. Nathan handed me the tiny white aspirin and waited until I put it in my mouth. Then he handed me the glass of water, and waited patiently for me to finish with it. When I had taken all I wanted, I handed the glass back to him, and he gave it to Justin.

"What's wrong with her?" Justin asked.

"I think she's just having a little trouble deciding what to wear," Nathan said.

I looked at him with tears in my eyes. Nathan smiled at me, and I returned a halfhearted smile. There seemed to be some sort of understanding between us. He knew there was something wrong, but he also knew I wasn't prepared at all yet to discuss it. Behind me I could hear Justin sitting down on the side of my bed. Nathan started to rummage through the clothes near me.

"What did you want to be today?" Nathan asked.

I shook my head. "I'm tired of questions."

"She's been filling out some stuff for the doctor the past two weeks," Justin said, almost as if commentating from my bed.

"Oh," Nathan said. "I'll pick something out for you then."

"What do you know about this?" I asked, becoming a bit more lively.

"I know plenty about what girls wear!" Nathan said.

"Shocking as that sounds," Justin said, "he actually does."

"What do you have in mind?" I asked, with a sniffle. I reached up and wiped my eyes.

"Well I think you could use some fresh air first of all," Nathan said. "Maybe something to wear to the park…"

"That sounds good," I said.

"See!" Nathan said. "I'm already one for one."

His comment tickled me. I didn't care how lame it may have been on a normal day, but right then it brightened up my mood. It even warranted a subtle laugh from me. Nathan picked through my clothes and tossed some aside. Then he found a pair of white short leggings I'd only worn once before to try on. They came down to just above my knees with a little inch of lace pattern at the bottom of the legs.

"These," Nathan said, "with the jean skirt there in your closet."

"The dark one?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said.

Nathan stood up beside me. Then he stooped over and helped me stand up. As I stood up, I instinctively became more modest, realizing I was in lingerie in front of two boys. Neither one of them took this into account. I think Justin was too busy watching Nathan, to make sure he didn't do anything out of the ordinary. Nathan meanwhile, made himself busy thumbing through my shirts in the closet.

I quickly slipped my feet through the legs of the leggings, and pulled them up to my waist. At least they would be some cover. Almost on cue, Nathan handed the skirt back to me. I took the skirt off the hanger, and stepped into it. After fastening the skirt closed around my waist, with the three buttons, I stood and watched Nathan. He finally settled on a shirt, and pulled it from the closet.

"With this," Nathan said, handing me the top.

He picked out a light pink tunic top I found at one of the consignment shops. I liked it because it was actually really comfortable. It had a scoop neck, which hung from the shoulders with two inch wide straps. Along the edge of the neck, as well as the arms, there was a bit of frilly trim. The midsection tapered in slightly with it tied in the back, giving it a fitted look, but quickly flowed out into a pleated three inches at the bottom.

Nathan watched as I slipped it on. It cascaded down my torso and fell wistfully over the top half of my skirt. He coaxed me to turn around. When my back faced him, he took up the drawstrings of the top and tied them into a bow behind me. It felt unusual for a guy to be doing this, but he was sweet about it. Now I kind of knew what my mom felt like when she asked Tom to zip up one of her dresses in the back. Justin looked on with a bewildered expression.

"I know I probably shouldn't say this," Justin said, "but you really do make a pretty girl."

"Thanks," I said.

"Can say it if it's true," Nathan said.

I spun around to face him. "You think I'm pretty?"

"Of course I do," Nathan said.

My face lit up into a smile.

"But hey, don't get the wrong idea," he said. "You're like my best friend's sister."

How quickly my smile faded. "What does that mean?"

"It means…" Nathan seemed to be thinking about what it meant. "I guess it means you're like a sister to me too," he said. "You know? I'll look out for you like Justin would."

"Oh… I see."

Though I really didn't. This whole time I thought he was into me. I mean what did I have to do to get his attention? Wait a minute! Why did I want his attention in the first place? Did I somehow subconsciously want his approval? Nathan gave me a pleasant smile. He turned to look through my shoes. I looked around at the pile of clothes.

"I should clean this up," I said.

"Don't worry about it," Justin said. "I'll help when we get back."

"Yeah," Nathan said. "I'll help too if I got time." He turned back to me holding out a simple pair of Roman thong sandals. "You need a break."

"We'll go wait for you in the living room," Justin said, as he stood and walked out of my room.

"My hair's probably a mess," I said.

"Not at all," Nathan said. "You look nice." He stepped to the door. "Just put on a little lip gloss or whatever, and you're set." He flashed me a smile and left the room.

I stepped over to the mirror. He wasn't lying. My hair actually looked good today. I sat down and slipped my feet into the thong sandals. Then I pulled the clear straps up over my heels and buckled them on the sides. Next I hurried over to my dresser. After rummaging through all of my nail polishes and makeup, I finally found my pink lip gloss. I also found some bubblegum.

I rushed across the hallway, and quickly brushed my teeth. After applying the lip gloss, I popped the bubblegum in my mouth and messed with my hair just a little. As I fluffed up my hair, I noticed my small bottle of ck one sitting on the counter. I decided to dab a little of it on my wrists and behind my ears. Then I dabbed a little behind my knees and put the bottle back down.

When I came out of the bathroom I suddenly remembered my sunglasses my mother had bought me the day of our spa visit. They were cheap little white-framed drugstore sunglasses, but the only girly ones I had. So I stepped into my room and grabbed them. I'd be in the sun anyway. I might as well have something. After slipping my lip gloss in the tiny pocket of my skirt, I was ready to go meet the boys.

"Well don't you look cute," Nathan said, standing when I came in the room.

"You look nice Bailey," Justin said. "Ready to go?"

I nodded, and followed Nathan out the front door. Justin locked the door, and the three of us headed to the park. The park happened to be about two blocks away, so it wasn't a huge trek. It felt good to get out in the sun. The warmth did a bit of good for my body being cooped up in the house for two weeks. I could definitely use the fresh air.

The park seemed a little too quiet for a Saturday. Maybe people had other things to do. There were a few mothers there with their little kids, and a few other older kids goofing around. I walked over to the swings with Nathan on my left side and Justin on my right. It had honestly been awhile since I'd been to the park. Perhaps it had even been over a year.

As I took a seat on one of the swings, a group of boys around Justin's age came into the park. They were tossing around a football, and it seemed they picked Justin up on radar. After a bit of talk, they convinced Justin to join them in a game. Nathan couldn't be convinced, however, and opted to sit the game out to talk to me. The guys gave him a bit of a hard time for this, but they eventually gave up and went away. I couldn't join them even if I wanted to, not because of Tom's rule, but because I had sandals on and would've fallen on my face.

"Didn't wanna leave you alone," Nathan said, strolling around behind me. "Besides, I'm tired from seven on seven camp, and two-a-days start next week…"

"I'm glad you stayed," I said, interrupting him before I heard all about football from him. "I don't know if I'll be that great of company though."

"Are you kidding?" Nathan asked. "You're always fun."

Nathan grabbed the chains of the swing and started twisting them over my head. I grabbed hold of the chains, and held on as he turned me around and around. Then he stopped and stepped back, letting go of the swing. The swing started to spin around, and I kept my knees tight together as I tucked my legs underneath it. When it started to twist up the other way, Nathan helped it. Then he released it to let me spin around the other way.

"Okay," I said, after several more spins. "That's making me dizzy."

Nathan chuckled. "You want me to push you?"

"I just wanna sit," I said.

"No problem," Nathan said, taking a seat on the swing next to me.

For several minutes we sat there in silence. I watched my brother playing football off in the distance. Something told me I'd be watching him a lot more once he started on the varsity team. Junior varsity football didn't warrant me being dragged out on a school night, but I knew Tom wouldn't be able to resist those Friday night games. I'm sure he would make it so my mom and I weren't able to resist either.

"What did you mean earlier?" Nathan asked. "When you said you were tired of questions."

"Oh…" I shook my head. "It's just this dumb questionnaire I had to fill out for the doctor."

"Doctor?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'm seeing a doctor that specializes in my… whatever I am."

"He only sees cute girls?" Nathan asked, smiling.

"You know what I mean," I said. I frowned at him. "This is pretty serious."

"I'm sorry," Nathan said. "I'm just trying to get you to feel better."

"I feel fine," I said. "Just tired of these questions. They're just a bunch of questions I don't think I can answer. Some I don't even understand."

"Like what?"

"Like…" I tried to think of one of the questions I was stumped on. "Explain your perception of yourself, or any feelings of elation when performing tedious responsibilities while presuming the role of the opposite gender."

"Wow…" Nathan said. "You sure you're not supposed to be taking that test with your mom, or something?"

"They didn't say to," I said. "But what does it even mean?"

"Well…" Nathan said. "It means to tell them how you view yourself, or how happy you are, when doing normal day-to-day things when you're dressed as a girl." He looked at me. "Like for instance, how do you feel right now?"

"Right now?"

"Yeah," Nathan said. "You took a day out to go to the park as a girl. There's nothing more normal than that."

"I guess I feel normal," I said. "It feels like I'm out in public as a girl."

"And are you happy about it?" Nathan asked.

"I'm happy to be away from those questions," I said with a giggle.

"Seriously…" Nathan said, pushing me away on the swing. "Are you happy as a girl?"

"Most of the time," I said. "I mean you can't be happy all of the time."

"Of course not," Nathan said. "But you just admitted you feel perfectly happy and normal in the role of a girl. Simple enough to answer. Sounds like you just need a thesaurus." He pushed me again when I swung back to him. "You're a pretty smart girl Bailey. You'll figure it out."

I swung into him playfully. "So you think I'm cute, and smart?"

"Yeah," Nathan said. "But don't get a big head about it."

He smiled at me. I smiled back. We playfully swung into each other on the swings. After awhile we ended up playing footsy with each other. I could tell he liked it, and I could definitely tell he had a thing for feet. A few minutes passed and then I purposefully rubbed my bare legs against his. This really got his attention.

"You wanna get out of the sun?" Nathan asked.

"It feels good," I said, sliding my leg against his. "Doesn't it?"

"A bit too hot," Nathan said. "I've been outside a lot lately."

I stood up and glanced around. My eyes landed on one of the picnic shelters. "Let's go over there."

I set off toward the picnic shelter, a very secluded picnic shelter I might add. Nathan followed closely behind me. When we got over there, I waited until Nathan sat down first. This would decide how and where I sat. I knew he had some kind of feelings for me, and I was determined to get them out in the open. Not to mention I had my own feelings to share.

Nathan chose to sit on one of the benches of an aluminum picnic table. He situated himself out of the sun, but as to be able to see the guys playing football. I had other plans, and needed his attention for them to work. With the sexiest and most flirtatious walk I could muster, I strolled in front of him. I gracefully stepped up onto the bench he sat on, and turned to sit right next to him on the table. Then I crossed my right leg over my knee, and where my leg ended up was right in front of him.

"You were right," I said. "This does feel better."

I watched him out of the corner of my eye. He turned his head slightly to stare at my foot, and then turned it a bit more. His eyes trailed up my leg, until eventually he had his whole head turned to face my legs. Whether he wanted to admit it, or not, I had him. He either had feelings for me, or he was completely infatuated with my lower body.

"Find something you like down there?" I asked, using Kate's line that hooked me in several weeks ago.

"Your legs…" Nathan said, almost mindlessly. "I mean… they smell good."

"Oh… I put a dab of perfume behind my knees," I said.

"No," Nathan said. "I mean, I like that too, but it's the cherry and vanilla I smelled earlier in your room."

"Oh!" I said. "That's my new lotion I got at the spa." I lifted my leg slightly toward his face. "I've been using it more lately. Makes my skin really smooth too."

"May I?" Nathan asked without even blinking.

"Be my guest," I said.

As soon as his hand touched my leg, I knew he was mine. The only problem was, I didn't know what to do with him. Perhaps I should have thought this through a little better. I couldn't stop him now. It would be rude. After all, I was the one who initiated the contact. I didn't know if I would have control enough to stop though. Tiffany had control enough to stop me, and she was totally nude. However, she had quite a few more years on me of using her feminine wiles.

Nathan's hand ran up my bare calf, and back down to my heel. Then he lifted it closer to his face. At first I thought he was going to kiss my leg, but instead he brought it to his nose and took in a deep breath. As he exhaled, he let his breath trail over my bare skin. Then he moved his nose up to my knee and took in another deep breath. Again, he exhaled over my bare skin.

"You like?" I asked.

"Yes," Nathan said, while exhaling.

My plan suddenly blew up in my face. While I was trying to find out what Nathan's feelings for me were, I didn't expect him feeling me to feel so good. With his hand still on my heel, he turned to straddle the bench. His right hand came up to greet my leg, and he used it to rub up and down the back of my calf. Before long his left hand started to half-massage-half-tickle my foot. His thumb kept going between my sandal and foot to caress the arch of my foot.

"You shouldn't let all of this doctor stuff stress you out," Nathan said. "Take a break from it every once in awhile."

This really wasn't at all what I had in mind when I started this. I had wanted to talk to Nathan. Instead I sat there, like an idiot, unable to speak. The sensations I received, from Nathan's touch, sent my mind off into another dimension. He made my body shiver in eighty-five degree weather. I couldn't even move.

His fingers grazed over my leg. Maybe this wasn't so bad after all. Nathan didn't go overboard like I expected he would. He simply teased me, playfully letting his fingers trail up and down my leg and around my ankle. Meanwhile, the fingers of his other hand moved lightly around the exposed parts of my foot and toes. He traced the clear plastic straps of my sandal.

My gaze fixated on the horizon. Blue skies, clouds, trees, they all became blurred into a glob of nothingness. In the distance I could hear people shouting, mainly from my brother's football buddies. Wait a minute! My brother! What if he saw us? I thought about pulling my foot away, but it wasn't really something to get worked up over. I guess it wasn't any different than what I did at the party the other night with Vanessa.

"This doesn't bother you does it?" Nathan asked.

"Huh?"

"Me touching you like this?" Nathan asked. "You seem kind of jittery."

"It's fine," I said. "I take it you like feet?"

"I do," Nathan said. "Legs too. You probably think I'm a freak huh?"

"No. It's not that," I said. "It's just…"

I looked down at him. Honestly I liked what he was doing. At the time, it didn't seem to bother me. I didn't expect it to go like this, and now I didn't really feel like talking about what I wanted to talk about with him. There wasn't really that much between us. Besides, what would Tiffany think if I blew her off to be with a guy? Nathan looked like a guy about to lose something dear to him, and this look opened up a gateway for me to talk about what I wanted to talk about.

"I've been thinking a lot lately," I said. "About different things."

"Oh…" Nathan said. "Care to share?"

"I just feel there's all these expectations for me," I said. "And I can't be everything for everyone."

"What is it you think is expected from you?" Nathan asked.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" I asked.

"No," Nathan said. "Well… sort of. I mean I've been keeping in touch with this girl I dated back in Pittsburgh."

"What's she like?"

"Kind of tall," Nathan said. "Just a bit shorter than me. Black hair, about shoulder length." He glanced down at my legs. "She's got a pretty face. Pretty nice body."

"Do you ever think…" I glanced around the park for a moment. "Do you ever think about me? You know… in that way?"

"As a girlfriend?" Nathan asked. His hands stopped moving on my leg.

I looked down at him. "As anything more than this."

"I hope I haven't given you the wrong idea," Nathan said. "I like you."

"But?"

"Well you're my friend's sister," he said. "Plus you're a little young…"

"We're only two years apart," I said. "You have to give me a better reason than that."

"Look…" Nathan moved his hand down my leg. "Maybe if you were a bit older…" He stopped when he could tell that excuse wouldn't fly with me. "I gotta be honest. Right now it's just not a good time. You have a girlfriend. You still have some things to deal with. I don't think either one of us is ready." His fingers started grazing my leg and foot again. "I'd just like it to stay like this for awhile."

"Like this?" I asked. "Does that include you drooling over feet?"

"Well they are cute feet," Nathan said with a smile.

"You are so biased," I said, amidst a laugh. "So…" I looked at Nathan with all the sincerity in the world. "Where does this leave us?"

"Good friends?" Nathan asked.

"I'd like that," I said.

"And maybe every once in awhile I could give your feet a massage after a long day in heels?"

I chuckled at his remark. "Deal!"

He took my hand and shook it like we had made a business arrangement. Then I withdrew my foot from his hands. After removing myself from the picnic table, I stepped away into the sunlight. I turned back to smile at Nathan, but I figured he would like a little time to collect himself. So I strolled off to watch my brother play for a little while. Eventually Nathan came over, and we got Justin away from the game. Then we all walked back home together.

About two weeks later, on a Thursday in the middle of August, I sat in Doctor Dinesh's office. We were in his actual office, sitting in two rigid chairs across from a large wooden desk. A name plate with "Dr. Rajan Dinesh" sat proudly near the front of the desk, next to the large monitor of his computer. I had discovered a small yellow egg, which when tipped would always rock back to stand upright. Later I discovered it was a paperweight I continued to play with.

After ten or fifteen minutes passed, Rajan came through the door. "How are we today Bailey?" He shook my hand, and then Tom's hand. "Mister Walker?"

"Good," Tom said.

"A little nervous," I admitted.

"I'm sure there has been a lot of anxiety over the past few weeks," Rajan said. "Has anything changed since I saw you last?" Rajan looked directly at me.

"No," I said. "Everything's the same."

"Good," Rajan said. "I have the results from the lab on your blood work." He started to type away at his computer. "Then I'd like to discuss briefly the questionnaires you dropped off earlier this week."

"Okay," I said. "Some of the questions were hard to understand."

"Yes," Rajan said. "I apologize, but they're written more to get you thinking rather than simply answering yes or no." He smiled at me. "And multiple choice would be cheating."

"Well I hope we're ready to take whatever news you have," Tom said.

Rajan gave him a blank look. "Yes," he said. "Perhaps I should just get right into it?"

"That would be best," I said.

"Bailey…" Rajan swiveled in his chair to face me. "You do happen to have a case of hypogonadism, the condition I discussed with you earlier." He slid a piece of paper across the desk, with numbers on it my stepfather didn't even understand, let alone me. "The average levels of testosterone in the male body range from two-hundred and fifty nanograms per deciliter, to eight-hundred and fifty." He pointed to a location on the chart. "Your testosterone levels tested slightly below one-hundred and twenty."

Tom looked puzzled beside me. "So it's been an internal thing all along?"

"It's always internal Mister Walker," Rajan said. "Whether someone is born with a deficiency, has different genes, or if it is a mental condition."

"I just thought he liked putting on girls' clothing," Tom said. He leaned back in his chair in disbelief. "At one point I thought it was even erotic in nature."

"According to the questionnaires," Rajan said to Tom. "That's partly true, and we can prescribe something to curb those desires. We can discuss it later." Rajan looked back at me. "For now, I need to let Bailey know that this is treatable with testosterone replacement therapy, or if we go the other route, I can prescribe something to lower your testosterone even further."

"What will that do?" I asked.

"Testosterone replacement therapy?" Rajan asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Like I mentioned the last time you were here," Rajan said. "It will boost your overall testosterone levels, and jump start your puberty. I'm afraid without it, you might not start puberty until your late teens." He sat back in his chair. "Either way you run the risk of having a late puberty or complications with it."

"Well I don't want that!" I said.

"Most boys and girls your age don't," Rajan said.

"So this can go either way?" Tom asked.

Rajan nodded. "I can start the treatment today," he said. "However, since you're not Bailey's legal guardian, I would need approval from the mother."

"I can call and talk to her," Tom said.

"And there are some risks and some side effects we need to go over," Rajan said.

"How about you two discuss that, while I call Susan?" Tom asked, mostly to me.

I nodded, petrified I would again be left to make the adult decision. Tom stood up and stepped out of the room. I could hear him start to talk on his cell phone. Meanwhile, Rajan pulled out a folder with my name on it. He opened it up and took out a few pieces of paper. One had the words "Treatment Options" on the top, and another said "Side Effects and Risks of HRT" at the top. He slid them both to the edge of his desk for me to see.

"This is a big decision," Rajan said. "I know you're young, and probably don't understand all of this, but I need you to trust yourself with making the right decision." He pointed first at the treatment options page. "What we would do, if you decide to go through with it, is administer a series of shots. This can be done once a month, or twice a month. Again, your choice."

"I'd probably go with once a month to get them over with," I said.

"Well…" Rajan gave me a serious look. "There are patches that can be applied as well. That's entirely up to you. However, let me tell you some of the risks involved." He slid the other paper over. "There is a small chance the treatment might not work. Due to other unforeseen factors, your body may attack the new testosterone in your body. We'll be monitoring you for the first six months to see."

Rajan went on to explain risk after risk of having hormone replacement therapy. He mentioned things like prostate problems, infertility, sleep apnea and problems with my skin. I sat and listened to each risk he sounded off, and the ones he thought I didn't understand, he explained better. It seemed kind of funny to me that my condition had been deemed "easily cured" and supposedly not a big deal, but he made it sound like it could kill me at some point.

When he started explaining what things would possibly be fixed with the treatment, I perked up a bit. He mentioned muscle mass, which I sorely lacked. I even got teased about my girly physique. If I was going to be a guy, I wanted to look like one. After listing off several more beneficial things, he cited possible side effects. These included possible weight gain, swelling or soreness in the breast area, problems sleeping and loss of appetite.

"There is something else I would like to discuss," Rajan said. "The questions you filled out formed a bit of a psychological profile." He slid another piece of paper in front of me. "Though you didn't know it, the questionnaire actually tested some things as well. You tested right down the line between girl and boy. Though on average you leaned toward the girl side of the spectrum."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"It means you have a decision to make," Rajan said, "and not much time to make it." He gestured toward the door. "Your stepfather will be in here in a few moments with the okay from your empathetically unstable mother." He leaned forward a bit. "I guarantee both of them will want you to go along with becoming their little boy again." He sat back in his chair. "What I need to know right now, is if you want to do that, or if you want to go the other route."

"You mean I can choose to be a girl?" I asked.

"Of course," Rajan said. "It's your life. There are risks and side effects the other way, but you might be happier in the long run."

"I have to decide now?" I asked, my head swimming.

"You have from now," Rajan said, "to when I stick you with that needle. You don't have to tell me in front of your stepfather, but I need to know before we start treatment."

"Well…" Tom burst back into the room. "Your mother gave the go ahead. She said she'll even sign off on it, if that's what it takes."

"No need for that Mister Walker," Rajan said. "I just need Bailey's decision."

They both stood and stared at me. Never before had I felt so much pressure. On one hand, there was pressure to do the right thing. I knew I was a boy. I couldn't deny it. All summer I had been pretending. The right thing would be to take the testosterone and go on to live my life as a healthy and active male. On the other hand…

"I just want to get on with my life," I said, looking at Rajan. "Even if it means being a boy… I want to move on… girl or boy."

Rajan looked at me for a moment, as if weighing my decision. "Then I'd say you made your choice," he said with a nod. "We'll work to that goal." He looked at Tom. "From here on out, I need you to let Bailey choose freely what to do. This will be a confusing time, and you'll need to show your support."

"I understand," Tom said, looking completely confused about the situation.

"I don't know if you do," Rajan said. "There will be times when Bailey will want to revert back to women's clothing, at times only to hold onto something. This might be a common occurrence and more frequent until Bailey starts to feel more comfortable with the changes going on inside." He stood from his desk. "There is also a slight chance the testosterone might not be accepted by Bailey's body, and in that case the body will make the decision over what we've decided here today."

"How long will it be until we know?" Tom asked.

"A few months," Rajan said. "Maybe even up to a year or more. We'll just have to keep monitoring the effects of the testosterone." Rajan looked at me. "With time and a bit of luck, Bailey may start choosing more and more paths leading to manhood." He looked back at Tom. "If the body chooses differently, you'll just have to learn to accept that. Until then, don't try to force it either way."

"I guess we'll just have to wait and see," Tom said, looking at me.

Only two major events happened the following week. The first major thing happened to be Justin passing his drivers' test and getting his license, although his actual one wouldn't arrive for a month or two. The second thing happened to be Tiffany calling me and wanting to know if I wanted to go out to a "farewell to the summer" night with the other girls. At first I didn't want to go, but she convinced me it would be fun.

Tiffany also said it might be the last time of the summer I got to be me. I thought about what this meant the whole rest of the week. What did it mean to be me? Did I somehow convince myself I was supposed to be something else? The thing that really convinced me to go though, was Tiffany telling me that Megan was going to be there. I hadn't gotten a chance to call her and really talk about things. There was a huge part of me that wanted to know more about her. Like, for instance, how did she deal with all of this?

So there I stood, waiting for my brother to drag himself out of his room to take me. Through a clever bit of scheming, I had convinced him to go to the party with me. This wasn't easy, as the party happened to be at a roller rink, and Justin had outgrown roller skating when he was my age. I managed to win him over with one single selling point. Kate would be there.

The only thing that made me nervous about the entire night, was the slight chance I could run into other kids I knew from school. It was Friday night, and the roller rink happened to be a popular place to go for kids my age. With inline skates starting to hit big, the roller rink saw fewer and fewer crowds. Yet it was one of those silly things we just enjoyed.

Tiffany and Kate had this fun idea to dress in odd and bright colors. We all wanted to look crazy when they switched over to the new black lights they put in a year or so back. So I had on a pair of white leggings, which came down to about mid-calf. They had a cute pattern of flowers decorated into the two inch wide lace at the bottom of the legs. With them I wore the brightest pink skirt I had, which happened to fall in tiers slightly past mid-thigh. I completed the look with a black shirt, the front filled with white outlines of hearts, a pair of ankle socks and my white mule sneakers.

Justin had actually helped with the outfit. He told me white shows up better than anything in black light, and suggested something bright pink to throw it off. I honestly knew this, but it was nice to have him onboard for the night. He even went along with it, and put on black and white shorts with a white Nike t-shirt. It was nice to have my brother back. For a long time I thought Tom would continue to push him away from me.

After the usual safety lecture from mom, we were on our way. We met Kate and Tiffany in the parking lot, and I had to say I was shocked by both of their outfits. Tiffany had on about the opposite of me. She wore a black skirt, with bright pink leggings, only her leggings went down to her ankles. Here they met pink socks and plain white tennis shoes. Then she topped it all off with a white cap-sleeved t-shirt that had "LOVE" written across the front in bright pink letters.

Kate looked even more ridiculous. She didn't know Justin would be coming, and seemed embarrassed she got into the spirit of things too much. Her perfect legs were encased in neon blue tights that stretched up to her black tiered miniskirt. She wore a nearly see-through white cami top over another neon pink cami top. It looked like she stepped out of the eighties, but still looked good.

"Hey Kate," Justin said.

"Hi Justin," Kate said, trying to hide herself somehow in the evening sun. "I didn't know you were coming."

"Bailey convinced me," Justin said. "She's quite the negotiator."

Kate waved me toward her. "I'm sure me being here had nothing to do with it, right?" She smiled at Justin.

"It's a bonus," Justin said. "Cute outfit."

"Thanks…" Kate blushed uncontrollably, and shied away from the embarrassment.

I stepped over to Kate, who reached back into the car for something. When she came back out she had a pink wristband with a Nike swoosh on it. Kate coaxed me to hold out my right wrist. Then she slipped it on over my hand. She caught my hand before I pulled it away, and held my nails up in the sun light.

"Wow," Kate said. "Melanie told me you had them done, but I had to see."

"Melanie was nice," I said. "I'm glad I got to meet her."

"Well she'll be here tonight," Kate said.

"Really?" I asked.

"You've been taking good care of them," Kate said. "Not a lot of rough play." She let my hand go. "By the way, I love love love your hair." She reached up and played with the bangs. "You ever think about dyeing it darker?"

"No…" I said.

"Would look cute in an auburn," Kate said.

"It'll probably be back to normal by Monday," I said.

"Too bad…" Kate said.

"Maybe I should let you girls catch up," Justin said.

"No, no," Kate said. "I'm done." She looked at Justin. "Though you might feel kind of left out tonight. Unless Melanie brings Steve."

"That's okay," Justin said. "I can just bug you."

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" Kate asked, leaning against her car.

I turned to Tiffany, who was holding up her right wrist. The matching pink wristband showed in the sunlight, proudly displaying the Nike swoosh. She smiled. I smiled back. Then she gave me one of those "wait a minute" gestures, before taking off some of her brightly colored plastic cord wristbands, and handing them to me. I happily put them on my left wrist.

"We're gonna go on in," Tiffany said to Kate.

"Okay," Kate said. "Stay out of trouble. I'll be in in a few." She looked around the parking lot. "I'm gonna wait for Melanie."

"Need some company?" Justin asked.

"Actually…" Kate looked back at Justin. "I would like to talk to you about something."

Tiffany pulled me away. I'm not sure what was going on between Justin and Kate, but I thought she didn't like my brother. Maybe I was wrong. As we got closer to the door of the roller rink, a white Ford Tempo pulled into a spot up ahead. Four girls poured from the car, all dressed in outrageous outfits.

"I think I'm going to kill you for this outfit idea," Rebecca shouted to Kate across the parking lot. "I look ridiculous."

"Love ya," Kate shouted back mockingly.

Rebecca was right though. They all looked funny. Rebecca, herself, had on black tights with peace symbols all over, which seemed to slim her swimmers' legs. She wore them underneath pink knit shorts. Up top she had on a white t-shirt with a yellow jersey tank top over it. The tank top looked like something you'd wear in gym to indicate which team you were on.

Rebecca wasn't the silliest looking person though. Her little sister, Tracy, looked equally ridiculous. She had on a long sleeve white shirt, with a neon pink cami top over it. Looking down I saw she had on white tights under short pink shorts. Her silliness factor didn't hold a candle to Danielle though.

Danielle, with her wire like frame, stepped out of the car wearing a neon pink romper. To this day I swore she had on a full body suit underneath. She was covered from wrist to toe in the same pale blue material. I almost burst out laughing at their outfits. Then I remembered I had on something silly too. The thing that got me with Danielle though, was that she had pink streamers tied into her hair.

Vanessa, the last to exit the car, put them all to shame. She would've looked good in a potato sack. Vanessa put one of her beautiful legs out the door, and then the other. They were both enveloped by tights of a delicate ballerina pink color. Her shapely bottom filled out a pair of short dark jean shorts, while her nearly fully developed upper body was hugged by a bright pink cami top. She smiled when she saw me.

"Looking cute as ever Bailey," Vanessa said.

Tiffany seemed a little irritated at Vanessa's comment. She wrapped her arms around my right arm. I'm sure it was a show of dominance for Vanessa's benefit. Vanessa simply smiled at Tiffany, as if to say Tiffany couldn't even compete. I knew Tiffany and Vanessa weren't very close friends, but I could smell a catfight brewing.

Danielle turned Vanessa's attention away, and pulled her into the building. After Rebecca got the word from Kate to go on in without her, she walked to the door with Tracy. This left Tiffany and I alone for a brief moment. We watched another car, a red Cavalier, pull in near Kate's car. I didn't recognize the person driving, but there were two people in the back.

Tiffany let out an anguished sigh beside me. "What is her problem anyway?"

"Who?" I asked.

"Vanessa," Tiffany said. "She has everything, but has to take more."

"What is she taking?"

"She's trying to get her hooks into you for some reason," Tiffany said. "I mean, I know the reason." She looked me up and down. "You're so freakin' cute!" She looked up at the sky. "But she knows we're together…"

"Look…" I said, putting my hand up on her cheek to get her to face me. "She's not going to take me." I caressed her cheek as I looked into her pretty hazel eyes. "I'm yours."

"Well…" Tiffany said. "She's still gonna try. She's all flirty and 'oh my god, Bailey's so cute' every time she's around me."

"Well I can't not be cute," I said, smiling. "Just like you can't not be pretty." I waited for her to smile. "So let her try flirting." I leaned forward and gave her a peck on the forehead. "She'll just be wasting her time."

Tiffany pulled me close. In no time flat she had her lips pressed against mine. We held each other and kissed for the longest time. I thought if we kept going, it would turn into a make out session right there in the parking lot. She missed me, I could tell. I had missed her as well, and wished I could've seen her more the past month.

"Bailey!" Justin said. His voice came as a near shout, causing me to break the kiss and look back at him.

"Not here…" Kate said, in a scolding tone. Her eyes were like lasers trained on Tiffany. "We talked about this."

"You wouldn't believe what I have to break up," the driver of the Cavalier said, as she stepped out of the car. "These two can't keep their hands off each other."

"That's Lynne," Tiffany said. "Tawny's older sister."

Tiffany's insight clearly explained why Lynne had on what looked like a pink bathing suit top over a white t-shirt. Lynne let Tawny out of the backseat. When she closed the door, I could see the rest of her outfit. Her white shirt barely came into contact with her white pleated skirt. Under the skirt she had on neon pink leggings which came down past her knees. They almost looked like spandex.

"She's kind of the slutty one of the group," Tiffany said in a whisper behind me. "But don't pass that on."

"I won't," I said, glancing back at her. "Is that Megan with them?"

"Yeah," Tiffany said. She waited for a moment to talk after I turned back. "You like Megan or something?"

"I'd just like to talk to her." I turned to face Tiffany. "To ask her about… you know…"

"Oh…" Tiffany said. "She's kind of guarded about it all." She gestured for me to look back at the car. "And shy too. So watch what you say about it."

I saw Tawny waving at me, so I waved back. Tawny didn't really do much for an outfit. She had on light pink cargo Capri pants, with a black t-shirt, and black Converse sneakers. I was actually surprised she wore pink to begin with, as her shirt had a white skull and crossbones on the front. Maybe Megan got her to wear them. Though I don't think Megan had much influence on other people.

Megan stepped out of the car. She pushed up close to Tawny. Tawny held the door for her, and closed it after Megan was out. Again, she was the only girl so far to wear a dress. I started to wonder if she always wore dresses. Maybe it was her preference? At any rate, she looked good in her hot pink summer dress. Obviously the least outlandish of the group, she complimented the dress simply with black leggings, and black ballet flats. I could tell she never wanted to stand out in a crowd.

"Who we waiting on?" Lynne said.

"Melanie," Kate said. "The others are inside."

"This your new boyfriend?" Lynne asked, looking at Justin.

Kate looked embarrassed again. "We're just…"

"I'm Bailey's brother," Justin said. "I drove her here."

"Who's Bailey?" Lynne asked.

I raised my hand.

Lynne looked over at me. "Oh…" She gave a half laugh, as she flipped her raven black hair off her shoulder. "The other part of the lesbian couple over there."

"She's very blunt," Tiffany said in my ear.

"I noticed," I said.

"You so need to get past Mike." Lynne looked back at Justin. "If you don't want him, I'll take him. He's cute."

"Thanks," Justin said.

"Rebecca's inside," Kate blurted out. "Think she wanted to talk to you."

"I get it," Lynne said. "You two were talking. I'll leave you alone."

Tawny walked toward Tiffany and I. She rolled her eyes, clearly directed at Lynne. I smiled at her sentiments toward her own sister. Megan gave me a shy smile. She held up her empty left hand in a noncommittal wave. Her other hand was wrapped tightly around a pair of socks. I returned her wave and her smile.

"Hi Bailey," Megan said.

"Hey," I said.

"Nice to see you again Meg," Tiffany said, reaching out to touch Megan's upper arm.

"You too," Megan said.

Tawny stopped suddenly. For a moment Megan didn't know what to do. She quickly scooted back next to Tawny, and looked down for a moment. The girl obviously lacked self-confidence, and had several mental ticks to make up for her mistakes. I wasn't the prime example of self-confidence, but I wasn't shy to the point of hiding myself in a shell either. Megan had so much to give, if she'd only put herself out there a little bit.

"Ooh," Lynne said, walking between the four of us. "Lesbian meeting." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "I'll just go inside."

"That would be delightful," Tawny said, in a mocking tone.

"You better watch yourself," Lynne said to her sister. "Or you and your girlfriend will be walking home." She waited to see if Tawny would make a remark. Then she turned to go inside, leaving us in peace.

"I was going to call you," I said to Megan. "I just got a little busy."

"It's okay," Megan said.

"If you two wanna talk," Tiffany said. "Tawny and I can go on in."

Megan looked at Tawny like her leaving would be the end of the world. I knew this would never work in this kind of environment. Parking lots were not the prime candidate for starting private conversations. Unless of course you count shady business deals in the twilight hours behind warehouses. Not to mention I had to find some way for Megan to feel safe enough to talk.

"Probably not the best place to talk about what I want to talk about," I said.

"Oh…" Tiffany grew ever so silent.

"You look pretty though Meg," I said.

Megan's face brightened up a bit. "Thanks… You look pretty too."

"And you look pretty," Tawny said to Tiffany.

"And you," Tiffany said to Tawny.

They then proceeded to give each other phony air kisses. Megan looked a little embarrassed. She moved her head down a bit toward her shoulder. I just stood there and shook my head.

"Okay…" I said. "A little awkward."

"Let's be honest," Tiffany said. "We all look good." She put emphasis on the word good.

"Are you kidding me?" Tawny asked. "We all look like we came from a time capsule."

The four of us laughed at Tawny's remark. Even Megan livened up a bit in the lighter mood. I suddenly had the urge to make it my goal that night to get her to break loose a little bit. It would take a lot of effort, but maybe I could get Tiffany and Tawny involved. They knew more about her than I did. I just wanted to see her have fun.

"Finally!" Kate said, from across the parking lot.

She waved toward a flashy red Mustang pulling into the parking lot. When they got closer I could tell Melanie was sitting in the passenger seat. I guess the guy driving was her boyfriend. They pulled into a somewhat distant parking spot away from the rest of the cars. Then the engine stopped, and the driver side door swung open.

Out of the car stepped who I could only guess was Steve. I had to admit, Melanie had done pretty well for herself. Though he was surprisingly shorter than I would have thought, he had the hardest body of any teenage boy I'd seen. His blonde hair, a bit shaggy, came down to the bottom of his ears. He showed as much interest in his wardrobe as my brother had, dawning a pair of white shorts with black stripes down the sides, and a white tank top. Justin found a particular interest in something else.

"Nice car!" Justin said, walking over to Steve.

"Thanks," Steve said. "I just got it a few months ago."

"You bought it?" Justin asked.

"Present for my birthday," Steve said. "Wanna see what's under the hood?"

"Sure!" Justin said, walking around to the front.

The passenger door of Steve's Mustang swung open. I couldn't help, but take an interest in who would be stepping out. From out of the car swung first one leg and then the other, both disappearing into a pair of black three inch heels. Melanie eased herself out of the vehicle. Her fit, slender legs stretched up to a flippy black skirt. She appeared to have on a neon pink body suit beneath a black, cropped cami top.

I had to admit. Melanie looked absolutely gorgeous despite what she had on. She shut the door on the passenger side, as Kate rushed over to greet her. They hugged, and then they both looked over at me. Kate pointed at me, and caused Melanie to wave. I returned her wave. Then I felt a tug on my arm. I turned to face Tiffany.

"We're gonna go in now," Tiffany said. "You wanna stay out here?"

"No," I said. "I'll go in too."

As we drew closer to the door of the roller rink, a familiar face came at us in the other direction. I recognized the person immediately. It was Kevin Patrick, one of my friends from school. He stepped through the first set of glass doors on the inside. When he stepped through the outside doors, he immediately recognized one of us. I cringed as he froze in his tracks.

"Tiffany?" Kevin asked.

"Oh, hey Kevin," Tiffany said. With her arm still wrapped around mine, she jerked me back out of the door to stand with her. "How've you been?"

Tawny and Megan slipped on through like they didn't know us. Kevin glanced at me, and smiled. I thought for sure he would recognize me. All he had to do was look at me a little longer, and put me and Tiffany together. He would surely know. Kevin turned his attention back to Tiffany.

"Okay," Kevin said. "Not too excited about starting school again Monday."

"I'm actually excited to get back," Tiffany said. "New experiences and all."

"Most girls I talk to are excited," Kevin said. "Though I haven't found a single male friend of mine ready to go back." He glanced inside and then back at Tiffany. "Speaking of which… you seen Zach around? Are you two still together?"

"No…" Tiffany said. "Unfortunately I'm no longer with Zach."

"That's too bad," Kevin said. "You two made a cute couple." He ran his hand through his short mouse brown hair. "I haven't seen him since summer started. Hope he's okay."

"You haven't called to talk to him?" Tiffany asked.

"I've been away at camp," Kevin said. "Just got back last week."

"Oh…" Tiffany said. "I see. I can tell him to call you if I see him."

"No," Kevin said. "It's okay. I never really liked him that much anyway." He dropped his hand to straighten out his light gray t-shirt. "I don't suppose…" He started to fidget. "You don't have a boyfriend now do you?"

"Not exactly," Tiffany said. "Why?"

"Well…" Kevin smiled nervously at me, and then looked at Tiffany. "I was wondering if you'd wanna do something with me some time?"

"You mean go out?" Tiffany asked.

I was about to punch Kevin. Here he was hitting on my girlfriend right in front of me, and insulted me right to my face; sort of. Tiffany, on the other hand, seemed to be leading him on with her half truths. Then I realized I couldn't do a thing about the situation. If I reacted to all of this, he would know something was up. Then he would find out I was Zach, or used to be. I just had to sit here and take it.

"You can bring your friend," Kevin said, glancing at me. "We could double or do a group thing."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Tiffany said. "Where are my manners?" She gestured toward me. "This is Bailey." Then she turned back to Kevin. "Bailey this is Kevin."

"Nice to meet you," I said, shaking Kevin's hand.

"Same here," Kevin said. His attention went back instantly to Tiffany, not even recognizing me or my voice. "So can I call you?"

"Sure," Tiffany said. "Let me just go inside and get a pen."

"Okay," Kevin said.

He followed us back into the roller rink. Inside the music roared with the latest candy pop songs. There were people talking and other people shouting over the people talking. On the rink came the roar and clacking of tens of people circling around the hardwood floor on their skates. Tracy and Vanessa were up talking with Danielle in the food court. They gave me a weird look when they saw Tiffany writing out her number on Kevin's hand.

I turned away from their stares, feeling a bit humiliated. As I worked my way over to the counter to pay, Tiffany caught up with me. She seemed happy about the whole situation. I don't know why she did, but I felt pretty low about it. We paid the fee to use the facilities, and then walked together to check out some roller skates.

"Can you believe that?" Tiffany asked, close to my ear.

"That my friend just asked you out?" I asked back. "I'm sorry… ex friend."

"Don't you know what that means?" Tiffany asked.

"That I can't trust Kevin?"

"No!" Tiffany said. "Well… yeah that too." She pushed my shoulder playfully. "But it means he didn't recognize you as well… you!"

"Huh?"

"He thought you were…" Tiffany leaned closer to whisper in my ear. "A girl."

"Oh…" I said, pulling back a bit. "I never thought about that." I looked at her gleeful expression. "I guess that's a good thing." In my mind, Kevin was still a jerk.

"It's a really good thing!" Tiffany said. She leaned into me. "It means we can get away with it for awhile."

"How long do you expect this to go on?" I asked. "I can't do it forever."

"Until you get tired of it," Tiffany said. "For as long as you're happy."

Truth be told I wasn't extremely happy. My girlfriend just got asked on a date by another boy, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Tiffany checked out a pair of size five skates. She paid for them herself, and then moved down the counter a bit to make room for me. I stepped up to the counter. The young man leaned down so he could hear me.

"Size five," I said, sliding my money over the counter.

"Why don't you two just share?" the young man joked.

"I don't think that would work," I said.

His smirk dropped and he shrugged as he turned to get another pair of roller skates. To my surprise they weren't like the ugly brown ones Tiffany got. They were white with neon pink wheels and stoppers. He took my money, and I took the skates. It was kind of ironic they went with my outfit, but as I looked over his shoulder, I realized they were out of that size now.

I found out why a little bit later. Some of us had a lot more in common than being friends with Tracy. Five out of the seven of us wore the same size shoe. Danielle, Tawny and Vanessa all were skating around with a little number five in a circle on the back of their skates. I said something about it in front of Danielle, Vanessa and Tiffany, and we joked about sharing shoes.

I noticed Megan sitting on a bench by herself. Tawny had already put her skates on and was drifting along the rink with her sister Lynne. Now was my chance to maybe talk to her a bit. I gave Tiffany the "be right back" gesture, and strolled over to sit next to Megan. She shifted a bit uncomfortably when I sat down, but after awhile she went back to slipping her socks over her feet.

"Pretty crowded in here huh?" I asked.

"Yes," Megan said. "Makes me a bit nervous."

"Don't like crowds?"

Megan shook her head.

"Me neither," I said. "Especially when I'm out…" I leaned closer to her. "As a girl."

Megan turned and looked at me directly. "You're lucky," she said. "You have the look and the self-confidence to go with it."

"Me?" I shook my head. "You're the one that gets to do this every day. Even starting school next week as a girl." I sat back a bit. "That takes a lot more guts than I could ever have."

"I guess it's easier when you don't stand out," Megan said.

"What do you mean?" I asked as I pushed my sneakers off.

"I mean…" Megan turned to look at the crowd of people on the rink. "People won't remember Brice Seong, the dorky kid from elementary school." She paused to wave at Tawny, who skated by with a big smile on her face. "I'll just be a dorky girl named Megan. With any luck they won't connect my last name at all."

"Why not use it as an opportunity to be someone completely different?" I asked.

"How do you mean?"

"Like be the complete opposite of what you used to be," I said. "Be more outgoing and don't just try to blend in."

"I don't know if that's me," Megan said. "I wouldn't even know where to start." She leaned over to put her roller skates on.

"You can start with losing that attitude about yourself," I said. "Be a little more outspoken."

Megan looked up at me as she tied the laces on her right skate. "My parents don't like outspoken people." She turned her focus back at her feet. "They think kids should be seen and not heard."

"My parents are the same way," I said. "Mostly it's Tom, my stepfather." I slipped my left foot into the left roller skate. "I don't mean in front of your parents though."

"What do you mean then?" Megan asked, switching over to tie up her left roller skate.

"Well like when you're out with us," I said. "Speak your mind in the group, or be the first to step up in line at the counter." I finished tying the roller skate, and sat up to look at Megan. "Just put yourself out there a bit."

"Like Tawny's sister?" Megan sat up and smiled at me.

"Well…" I found Lynne in the crowd. "Not that out there." I looked back at Megan. "I just think you have a lot to offer."

"Really?" Megan asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I mean… you're cute. You make one pretty girl. I bet boys will be lining up to talk to you at school next week. That is if you let them actually see you."

"I don't know if I'm quite ready for that," Megan said.

"Oh, I forgot you're with Tawny," I said. "You probably don't even like boys."

"No…" Megan said. "I do." She looked a little embarrassed by the topic. "I mean, I like both. It's just… I don't think…"

"You don't want to go there yet?" I asked.

"Yeah…"

"I get it," I said. "I have questions about it too."

"You don't seem like you'd have much trouble at all landing a boy," Megan said.

"I'm not sure what to do with one if I did," I said, giving her a half smile.

"You know it's funny," Megan said. She leaned closer to me. "This is the longest conversation I've had with a boy who isn't related to me." She smiled at me. "I'm just afraid it doesn't count, because you make a prettier girl."

"Well thanks," I said. "It counts though." I gestured to my attire. "All of this is going in the back of the closet next week."

"That's too bad," Megan said. "Tawny won't get her wish." She smiled at me. "You're still going to dress though aren't you?"

"Maybe…" I said. "I think I'm going to take a break from it, to see how I feel about it."

"Sounds reasonable," Megan said. She held up a finger at Tawny, who happened to be across the rink waving at Megan to get out there. "Could I make one suggestion." Megan turned to give me a serious look. "Whatever you decide to do… make sure it's for yourself."

I watched Megan hop up from the bench. After a few awkward steps on the carpet she was out on the wooden floor of the rink. Though people had said it to me, to make the decision for myself, this was the first time I actually heard it. Maybe I paid more attention to it because it came from Megan, but it made me reevaluate all of my decisions up to that point.

I stooped down to tie my other roller skate. Meanwhile, Tiffany had caught up with me, and slid into me as she sat on the bench. I pushed back at her playfully. When I finished tying my skate I sat up to see her smiling at me. It was one of those weird smiles where you knew something was up, but only they knew what it happened to be.

"So get this," Tiffany said. "I was just talking to Rachel Hamilton, the spoiled rich girl who was in our class last year. You know who I'm talking about right?"

"Right," I said.

"Well anyway," Tiffany said. "She just got a whole new wardrobe for the school year, because she kind of outgrew it, if you know what I mean." She made huge mock boobs with her hands in front of her chest. "Turns out she's giving hers away to people she likes."

"So…"

"So we thought about what you said with sharing our shoes earlier, and Danielle got us invited over to her house next weekend to let us all go through her old stuff," Tiffany said. "Since we're all around the same size and all. Won't that be fun?"

"I thought you hated her clothes," I said. "For that matter, I thought you hated her."

Tiffany's smile disappeared. "I meant for you." She paused waiting for my reaction, but I gave her none. "She's got some pretty nice things you could have for yourself."

"Tiffany…" I glanced around. "I don't know how much longer I'll be doing this."

"Well at least consider it," Tiffany said. "You got a week to think about it."

"Okay," I said. "I'll think about it, but no promises."

"Good enough for me," Tiffany said.

Tiffany pushed away a bit, and started to exchange her shoes for roller skates. I looked around the place, and tried to spot people I knew. Tawny and Megan were happily skating near each other. Danielle, Tracy and Vanessa were over in the food court talking to a group of boys around our age. I recognized two of the boys, but none of them I knew well enough to hide from them.

The older kids were settling into routine as well. Lynne happened to be warming up a corner booth with some guy she had wrapped around her finger. Rebecca passed in a blur before me, chasing after some other girls she knew. Melanie walked around proudly hanging off of Steve's arm, while my brother desperately tried to get noticed by Kate. I was actually rooting for my brother to win her affection. After all, Kate was a great catch, and now she happened to be single.

Tiffany finished lacing up her roller skates. She slipped her hand into mine, and pulled me up from the bench. We awkwardly stepped in tiny little steps over the carpet, and tried not to fall flat on the hardwood floor. Then we squeezed into the crowd and slowly we got into rhythm, skating next to each other around the rink. Together we flew around the rink, our clothes shining in the odd lighting. I think it was the happiest moment of the night for both of us.

Meanwhile, I couldn't get my mind away from what Megan had said. With my bottom still a little sore from the shot I got a week before, I still wondered if I had made the right decision. After all, it was my life. How long could I go one way before it was too late to go the other? Did I make the right choice for me, or for everyone else? I looked for some kind of reassurance, and I found it right next to me.

Tiffany smiled, and gripped my hand tighter as we burned around the rink. Even if I didn't ever put on female attire again, she loved me, and I still had the best summer of my life that year. I learned a lot about myself and those around me. My new friends accepted me either way I went with my life, while my old friends I never bothered to call again. I could sleep at night knowing my family loved and supported me as a person, not as a gender.

---

 
 
To Be Continued in Seasons of Bailey: Autumn...