She leaned over my desk, her ample bosom heaving. The dame was obviously hot for me. Too bad I was only into other men... coulda been fun.
"Oh, you've just gawt ta help me and my muddah's aunt's roommate's grandottah's husband's cousin's dawg's groomah's brush suppliah's accountant's mistress' bruddah's son PLEASE mistah Dirkenhammerwoodsteinovitch," her accent breathed impressively -- seriously, that's impressive to say all in one breath.
by Edeyn Hannah Blackeney
... I blame the painkillers...
Name's Peabody Aloysius Dirkenhammerwoodsteinovitch. I go by Al -- wouldn't you? I'm a private dick in a town that just seems to need guys like me. Fed up with pretty much everything. Dealt a hand by life make's a body want to just fold... but you can't fold in life. It's like there's too much starch. But I got all the skills I need in this line. I'm a snoop. I don't mind ticking off the boys in blue. I can sleep in my office chair and not mind the rumpled trenchcoat or loose tie. And I can mix a metaphor so wrong your apple pie cries wee-wee-wee all the way to the bank.
So, I had my clodhoppers up on the desk and my fedora down over my nose when I heard the click-click-click of high heels in the hall. Mine is the only office on this floor so I sat up and then leaned back to ease my feet to the floor. I was catching my breath from the exertion when the door swung open.
I've gotta get that doorknob catch fixed.
A moment later, the chick attached to the legs wearing the heels that were clicking timidly stepped around the corner and pegged me with her eyes. She had on a dress with more slink than that springy kid toy thingamacallit. Oh yeah. A Slinky. Perfectly styled dark auburn hair and bright blue eyes -- probably contacts, nobody has eyes that colour. She had a face like an angel. Or at least what the religious outfits tell us an angel's face looks like.
"Are you mistah Dirkenhammerwoodsteinovitch the pee eye what knows whats he knows?"
Too bad she had a voice that sounded like a hoarse gorilla mimicking a frog. Where the heck was that accent from?
She walked over to my desk in way too many tiny steps -- I think her skirt must have been too tight. She leaned over my desk, her ample bosom heaving. The dame was obviously hot for me. Too bad I was only into other men... coulda been fun.
"Oh, you've just gawt ta help me and my muddah's aunt's roommate's granddottah's husband's cousin's dawg's groomah's brush suppliah's accountant's mistress' bruddah's son PLEASE mistah Dirkenhammerwoodsteinovitch," her accent breathed impressively -- seriously, that's impressive to say all in one breath.
"Help with what, uh--?"
"You can calls me Bella, and you've gawtta help me and Marlene!"
Marlene seemed to me to be an awfully strange name for the dame's mother's aunt's roommate's granddaughter's husband's cousin's dog's groomer's brush supplier's accountant's mistress' brother's son -- sheesh she's already gawt -- er -- got me doing it.
"Okay, Miss Bella --"
"Oh, it's not Miss..." she corrected me, the way a tomato corrects a naked hamburger. She turned about as red as a tomato, too. It didn't suit her, though.
"Okay, Mrs.--"
"'Fraid nawt."
"Ms.--?" I let out hopefully.
"Sorry, mistah Dirkenhamm--"
"Just call me Al, s'easier," I told her, trying to buy some time on the cheap. Two things are never cheap though... good whiskey and time when you truly need it.
"Okay, Alseazyer," her accent breathed again, "I happen to be bonuh fee-day one hunnert percentagees midwest American boy. An' so's Marlene!"
It clicked. I knew why the dame was here in my office and blocking my airflow. Yes, dame. If you'd lay your peepers on her melons, you'd know she was a she even if she was a he dressed very convincingly like a she that wasn't no he pretending to be a he and was in fact a she instead of being a he like she claimed she was really a he just looking like a she. I don't know why she brought 'em with her, but they were about the same size as the breasts attached quite convincingly (for a she that was really a he that looked like a she) to her chest wall. She and this Marlene were being forced to be chippies!
"Alright, Ma'am--"
"I really do prefuh to be called suh..."
"Sir then. Is your mother's aunt's roommate's granddaughter's husband's cousin's dog's groomer's brush supplier's accountant's mistress' brother's son -- there has to be a better way to say that -- being held prisoner?"
I could see the cash rolling in on this job... a daring overtime breakout taking special equipment purchased with a finder's fee and bought with a discount... maybe she could hold off until the weekend and Thanksgiving for holiday pay --
"No."
"Hah?"
"No, he's -- that is my nephew is -- nawt being held prisonah."
"Your nephew? But why --?
"It's moah fun, Alseazyer, to say it th' long way," she giggled and... bounced at me.
"Then how are you being forced--?" I broke off. I was sitting forward, listening with more ears than a cartoon elephant's pet mouse, it was interesting in spite of me.
"Whoevah said innything about forced?"
I opened my mouth and shut it again.
"Well, I'll take the job, just tell me what I have to do," I finally said, shaking my head as I reached to shake the hand of the dizzy dame.
She grabbed my hand and pumped it for water, and sealed the deal... I'd always prided myself on my word and a handshake being a contract for me.
"Oh, goody! We just gotta get you in the right dress--"
"Say what how who now?"
"What how who now?"
"No, Bella, I mean what do you mean me in a dress?"
"Oh!" her eyes lit up, "You'll be gawjeous! I had hoped when I saw th' ad fer another Professional Impersonatah, you'd be pretty..."
So the she who was a he that only looked to be a she that wasn't no he but a she seemed to have all the wiles of a she that was really a she and not a she that was really a he that just looked like a she that wasn't no he but a she. And I looked down at my hand still shaking hers.
Me and my big mouth.
Comments
You are suffereing from Dashell Hamett disease
No more detective novels for you.
It starts our so inoccent too. The occasional Nancy Drew snuck late at night gives you a pleasant buzz; Nancy Drew, the gateway *drug*.
Then in high school at some drunken party you get into Agatha Christys, bogarting an entire book in your extacy. You find you'er hooked.
In the end you're living on the treets pan handling, even purse snatching for a few bucks to feed your Micky Spilane habbit.
Stop before it's too late!
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
It's actually Dashiell Hammett
... and I learned to read early. before I was three. By age 7, I had exhausted the school and public libraries of mysteries such as Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, Happy Hollisters, Trixie Belden, Three Investigators, Boxcar Children, Encyclopedia Brown, and Tizz, along with The Great Brain and Ramona Quimby, and of course all the 'kids' books like Dr. Suess. I never even liked Scooby Doo because of my mystery burnout.
I was solving the mysteries before I was halfway through any of them, usually a quarter or a third through. I lost interest for years. In grade nine, I discovered something that briefly rekindled my love of mystery... the master himself... Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I still solved them early, but where the reader was intended to -- a bit before the end where you're driven to finish to confirm! This led to all the greats... and they killed my enthusiasm once more by being halfway through solvable.
Sigh.
Then...
2005...
Harry Potter craze, Half-Blood Prince was due out in only a week!
I found myself in hospital with another pulmonary embolism (my fourth) -- which for those of you that don't know, that means my lungs were obstructed from their working by blood clots.
I was in the hospital for over three weeks... and HP6 release day came and went. I could've used that book in the hospital to read. My roommate refused to pick up my pre-paid copy for me because he refused to set foot in a hospital voluntarily.
When I finally got out I stopped by Barnes & Noble on the way home to pick it up... this is what happened...
Me: (thinking) Argh! I finished every other book in my queue in the hospital! I can't read just one book at a time! (it's an ADHD thing)
Me: Miss Desk Lady, I'm one of those types that needs another book to switch off with... got any recommendations?
She: Hmmm... Well... do you like Mystery?
Me: No. Not... particularly.
She: Oooh! I know the perfect one for you! (streaks off down the aisles -- fully clothed, ya perv)
Me: ... but... I said, "No." (runs off to catch the crazy girl)
She then hands me a book and proceeds to extoll the virtues thereof... but I was having none. So she hit me where I couldn't refuse... she told me if I didn't like it, that not only would she pay for it when I returned (paperbacks are non-refundable), but she'd buy me the new leatherbound $400 Complete Calvin & Hobbes collection.
The Beekeeper's Apprentice, or, On the Segregation of the Queen -- by Laurie R. King
I suppose I identify way too much with the characters
...in really good stories. I feel like Kinsey Millhone in one of Sue Grafton's novels after reading your story..."U is for Understandably Confused?" Not the story...the doll..the guy..the gal...what? Great tale first thing in the morning
She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea
Love, Andrea Lena
Er...
Come again?
Whatever it is you're taking, send me a box.
Oh and a cloth for the coffee sprayed up my monitor and dropped into my now very tender nether regions after laughing so hard.
You could at least have added a warning.
Something like "Warning (good start) - reading this will severely damage your sanity and cause you to lose your coffee into your crotch and all over your monitor."
That should do it.
Maybe.
What do I do with the keyboard now? It's all sticky...
I don't just look it, I'm totally evil and have a very high voice
I need a box of that too
How about an alternate warning, such as,
Warning: Do not read at work if sources of explosive levity are expected to be shared.
And I think you need to be put on a maintenance dose. You can send the leftovers to me :)
Hugs
Carla Ann
Question...
Did you start with a great idea for a title, or was the title the inevitable result of the story?
Noircoleptic
The title was kind of a natural following... I'd written down to, "...impressive to say all in one breath," when the title came to me.
I am Amazed
Edeyn, I am simply astounded that you were able to keep this all together. Wow! Hugs, Wendy Marie
Wendy Marie
Edeyn,did you
ALISON
'do this story one armed or unarmed?Quite hilarious and I
enjoyed this quirky little story no end.ALISON
ALISON
One arm
Typing with just one hand is hard. If it were my left arm that were undamaged, I could type the longest English word that one can type on a QWERTY keyboard correctly. (HINT: it has 12 letters)
Today I'm going to try to get some things done, and maybe that will include more of the Sk8r Grrls rewrites and bonus materials.
Heh...
Dirkenhammerwoodsteinovitch. ^__^ Fun story! Get feeling better, already. ^^; You're too good when you're >out< of things. (Careful!) *hugs*!
-Liz
-Liz
Successor to the LToC
Formerly known as "momonoimoto"
Refreshingly Different at Least!
... and it makes a nice change to be driven to tears from laughing so much, instead of the more usual way.
I always found the idea of the PI story corny, until now!
Thanks, I guess.
Briar
Briar
Sunny side up
A tasty spoof the hard-boiled genre, its sizzling dialogue scrambled my brain faster than you can say "Denver Omelette", yet it went over easy (you poached from the greats here Edeyn) and despite the misunderstanding Al seemed like a pretty good egg. A second helping might be hilarious, if a financially strapped "Allie" didn't waffle but actually took the case. She might wind up the toast of the town...
~~~hugs, Laika
We now return to our regular programming:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTl00248Z48
.
How do I clean coffee with sugar out of my keyboard?
Edeyn,
I made the mistake of copying your "Noircoleptic" to take home and read when I had a chance to do so.
The first opportunity was this morning and I agree there should be a warning on this first installment to what will be a very interesting tale.
My tablecloth and the monitor screen of the laptop are easy to clean but the keyboard has me concerned. I have allowed myself to place a mental warning concerning the future installments to this tale.
"CAUTION -- EXPLOSIVE DECOMPRESSION MAY ENSUE"
Wonderful beginning. Looking forward to more.
Renae
Snerk!
When I was in college (the first time), my friends and I would try to make each other snerk and spew various (painful) liquids through the nose. Spit-takes are nearly as gratifying... but I -am- sorry, honest. Really. I mean it. Seriously. Stop looking at me that way!
Oh Yeah!
I could see it from the "I blame the painkillers", and I was right. Absolutely dekicious, and I want some of whatever yer using!
Wren
Noircoleptic
"Oh, goody! We just gotta get you in the right dress--"
"Say what how who now?"
"What how who now?"
"No, Bella, I mean what do you mean me in a dress?"
"Oh!" her eyes lit up, "You'll be gawjeous! I had hoped when I saw th' ad fer another Professional Impersonatah, you'd be pretty..."
So the she who was a he that only looked to be a she that wasn't no he but a she seemed to have all the wiles of a she that was really a she and not a she that was really a he that just looked like a she that wasn't no he but a she. And I looked down at my hand still shaking hers.
Me and my big mouth.
Edeyn was unique; witty and passionate, I had barely gotten to know her. We got off on the wrong foot; or rather I did. But she was forgiving and became quite welcoming to me. Even though I'd only seen a glimpse of the person she was, I'm better for it, and I'm grateful!
Love, Andrea Lena