A Matching Set

How does one tell a school of 1800 students and nearly 200 colleagues that one is about to return after the summer holiday dressed as a woman? With difficulty is probably the simple answer!

For over a year I had been part of a group of people who rented an apartment where one could change clothes and emerge in one’s new persona then revert some hours later. The property was some 50 miles away from my home and I thought it was unlikely that any students or staff would notice a small woman out and about that far away from home. If anyone did notice, then nothing was said and my secret remained a secret.

Such a clandestine arrangement was not satisfactory for many reasons. I had been convinced that my male body was not what I wanted for as long as I could remember. I chose what was regarded as a nurturing profession in the hope that my feelings would change, but it made me more certain that my real self needed to emerge.

Let me say that the starting material was probably a positive feature. I was only 5ft 7in and barely 8 stones (About 110lb). Sports kit hung off me like an old dishcloth and my fine sandy hair lay flat looking as if I was going prematurely bald. The suits I had to wear for work were small size with a 34” chest and 27” inside leg.

On the scale of masculinity I scored one out of ten. A wimp by any other name and with round glasses and Computer Science as a teaching subject, I was largely ignored by boys and girls alike in corridors and public spaces.

One might think that such a presence might lead to problems in classroom management but it never ceases to amaze me that problems with dealing with student behaviour seem to have nothing to do with size or gender of the teacher. It comes from an inner confidence that shows in a classroom situation. My secret seems to have given this aura of confidence.

I suppose that the first stage in my transition was to see my GP. Doing that is easier said than done, when family doctors are in short supply and one has to explain in detail to a dragon-like receptionist in graphic detail why one needs to waste the doctor’s time.

I had to lie to get in, but early January saw me sitting in the surgery waiting room white as a sheet in full expectation of being told I was wasting their time.

In fact the first consultation was nothing like that. The young woman doctor was a locum tenens at the surgery and was very sympathetic and gave me a thorough examination before referring me to a clinic at the nearest hospital where a psychologist could evaluate my state of mind.

Three weeks later a letter arrived from one of the NHS gender dysphoria clinics (GDCs) giving me an appointment two years ahead! My heart sank. I would be over 30 by the time I could live my life as I wished.

Research showed me that a similar evaluation was available at much shorter notice at a private clinic in London, but the cost was £1200. A considerable sum for me at the start of my career. But it had to be, and the appointment was made for the February half-term holiday.

I left home early that morning and drove to the shared apartment where I could change into feminine clothes. I had chosen what to wear with great care. A cream coloured bra and knicker set was a special purchase and the B-cup breast forms filled the cups well. I had worn a gaff previously, but the knickers were a design to hide the bulge known as a camel back and give me a smoother pubic area. My shirt was a particular favourite in a sort of Claret colour with two breast pockets that emphasised the small bust I appeared to have. My skirt was winter weight, lined, and knee length.

The outfit went well with the calf length boots I owned and my Size 7 feet measured up as 8½ in women’s sizes here in the UK. Not too easy to obtain in the shops, but mail order makes such purchases much easier than it would have been for previous generations.

I had previously bought a pair of feminine spectacles, mail order, using my usual prescription, and these were donned before leaving the apartment.

Hair was always a problem but I could use lots of back combing and hairspray to give a fairly feminine style if one didn’t look too closely.

My coat was fairly unisex and had to do.

A quick walk to the train station, and an hour’s ride onto London, and three stops on the Underground and I was outside the consulting rooms of the psychologist who was due to assess me. No one had taken the slightest notice of me. Just an anonymous woman on a train.

Pressing the doorbell brought an attractive receptionist to the door and I was ushered into a small waiting area with a coffee machine, a selection of women’s magazines and comfortable chairs.

I didn’t have to wait long before the psychologist, Gordon Smith, came out of his consulting room to meet me and guide me in.

We sat in easy chairs to discuss my expectations and needs. I had paid for an hour’s consultation and the questions took all of that time.

At the end of that time, Dr. Smith emphasised that there was little he could do to recommend me for gender reassignment until I had been living in my chosen role for about a year, but he accepted that I would be a candidate after living successfully in my chosen gender. He recommended that I take hormones to bring about reversible changes in my body, and I was asked to attend my home surgery to get the prescriptions.

This was the ultimate test for me. Could I go through with it? Declaring my intentions in front of a whole school population.

On the way home, I made several decisions.

Firstly that I would take the next two terms to make preparations for my change and would take the hormone pills prescribed. Secondly I would see the school’s counsellor to get some advice on how to broach the subject with the staff initially, but before that, the principal and his deputies.

Obtaining the prescription was straightforward once the psychiatrist had sent his evaluation by email attachment to my surgery, but the pharmacist took me into his private consulting room to explain what these pills would do to me. He wanted to make sure I understood the implications of the medicines. I had no problem with professionals making sure that this course of action was the right one for me, but I had to go back the following morning to obtain the two anonymous boxes of tablets after the special order had been delivered.

The rest of the half-term break was taken up with preparation for the new half-term, so apart from taking the tablets I had nothing else to be concerned about. I certainly was not going to see any changes in a few days!

The following Monday I popped in to see Caroline, the school counsellor to make an appointment. She was surprised, but seemed happy to see me after school on Wednesday and so, I attended her small office at 3.45pm after all the children had left the premises. I was very nervous and my hands felt cold.

Caroline welcomed me immediately. It would not have been a good to be seen sitting on the row of chairs set out in the corridor outside her office!

She was a comfortable woman in her fifties. She had eased the passage through adolescence of more children than one could imagine. There was always a little gaggle of tearful children outside her door and invariably they recovered after her ministrations.

“There is no easy way to start a conversation like this, “ I started once we were sitting in easy chairs in her office.”

“I have been to have an assessment in London over the half-term break to go through gender reassignment.” I said in one breath to get it over with in one go.

She smiled. “I am not surprised in the slightest.”

“You aren’t?” I said with obvious shock.

“No, not at all. I don’t think it will be a surprise to anyone, teacher or older student. I have had students in here who mistakenly refer to you as ‘She’ or “Her’.”

“I am amazed. I thought I had kept my intentions so quiet. How did anyone know?”

“I think it was your deportment and mannerisms that gave the game away, as it were. Your gestures are very feminine, and your class control non-confrontational and the banter that all teachers have with their students at times is more targeted at the boys than the girls. Male teachers tend to flirt in a completely acceptable way with pretty girls.”

“I never knew. Who would have guessed that I was so transparent in my ways?”

“The release of tension was enough for me to allow myself to have a little smile.”

“So what can I do for you?” Caroline asked.
“My psychiatrist has said that I cannot have anything done permanent until I have been living as a woman for a year. To do that I must be seen as woman here. I don’t know how to go about that.”

“I quite understand. Since making the appointment and guessing the reason, I have given it a bit of thought. I think you should keep your intentions to ourselves for the time being. I hope you are going to have a good outcome with the hormone treatment. It is not certain as to how successful it is, but you have a small chest, so any meaningful growth of breast tissue should help. Obviously, you will need to choose your clothing carefully over the next few months. You don’t want some of the less savoury boys to be commenting about your chest before you are ready to do the great reveal.”

“I don’t know how long it will take for anything noticeable to happen and I don’t want to use a binder to flatten my chest, so I have to be circumspect. I was hoping to continue as normal for the rest of this term, then to make the teaching staff aware, and maybe attend the staff training day as my female persona at the end of the half-term holiday in May.”

“I think that ought to be a good plan, subject to any changes that cannot be hidden. I would suggest that you allow your hair to grow out a bit over the next months. I don’t think you would want to wear a wig, so you will need to have enough hair for a stylist to make into a feminine style. I suggest that you go to a stylist out of town to get some advice. Your hair is very fine, and will need careful managing.”

“I also think that you should consider telling the Principal with me in attendance, of course. If I am there it will guarantee privacy as I will act as secretary to the meeting and all the records will go into my files, rather than his.”

“I think that I would be happy to meet the Principal at the end of this term when I have things clearer in my mind, but to give enough time for any input he has to take effect, before ‘the great reveal’ as you put it.”

“Do you have a new name yet?” was Caroline’s passing shot.

“Not really. As you know I am Anthony, so I suppose that Antonia is the obvious name or Toni for short.”

“No need to be set on anything yet, but I will label your file as ‘Antonia’ for the time being. There are no ‘Antonia’s in the school at the moment. I was going to suggest that you avoided the very common names like Sarah and Eve.”

Before we parted, Caroline had a suggestion to make.

“I will be circumspect about this, but there are two senior students here who are going through the same process as you. They know each other, and we meet once a week to see how things are going. Obviously, I would not release any names or arrange meetings until everyone was agreed, but I do think some sort of self-help group would be supportive for all of you.”

“I have no idea who the students might be, but if you think at would be a good idea, and the two are in agreement, then I have no objection, and I think it might be fun. Are they both male to female?”

“By chance they are both male to female.”

“I can see that there might be fun to be had with the inevitable shopping. Yes, the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of having one or two people to share with.”

“I will see what happens when I have my regular meeting with them, but no walking down this corridor at the wrong time! Any meeting has to be on their terms!”

So there we left it. Six weeks before the end of the Spring Term and six weeks before my meeting with the Principal and Caroline.

Six weeks seems a long time and there was very little to show for all the hormone treatment after such a short time. I had been warned that the maximum effect of hormone treatment might no happen until two or more years had elapsed, so I was not surprised. Life and teaching continued as normal. Nothing was noticed and no unfortunate comments were made by the socially challenged parts of the school community, much to my relief.

Caroline got back to me after a few days. Both her transitioning students had agreed to keep absolute secrecy, and had agreed to meet. Apparently both knew exactly who I was. After knowing I existed on the staff. I was, apparently, the obvious choice!

As both students were over eighteen, we agreed to meet for a drink in a pub some distance from our homes, and Caroline came as well.

It seemed normal to hug both Angela (Angelo) and Claire (Charles) when we met. All of us were dressed as girls and it was Caroline who seems different being at least 20 years older than the rest of us.

I hadn’t ever taught the girls and only knew them by sight in their school uniforms. Caroline complimented each of us on our clothes and make up. She hadn’t seen the two girls ‘dressed’ before and was taken aback how easily we fitted in with the other
pub clientele. No one took any notice of us much to my satisfaction.

Angela was taller than me, and had nearly black curly hair that framed her small face with her prominent spectacles. Her development had certainly been going on longer than mine, and she was on the point of transitioning formally, but only had one term left before going up to University. With study leave for A levels taking up most of her remaining time at the school, a formal change of status wasn’t needed.

Angela was chatty and it was quite impossible to see the boy she had been. Her journey had started nearly two years ago. I was impressed with her bust development and said so. Sadly some of it was enhanced by a padded bra, but she was enthusiastic about her parents’ promise for her bust to be enhanced with an implant if she did well in her A levels.

Claire was a year younger and had been on her journey for a little over a year. Caroline had warned me that Claire would miss Angela’s support when the older girl had left, so was hopeful that I would be able to replace Angela in supporting her.

Claire was shorter and had her longish blond hair in a ponytail. Her make-up was carefully done but her posture was defensive sitting with her ‘half-of-cider’. She wasn’t at all confident in front of me and I doubt if she would have come if Angela and Caroline hadn’t been there.

We chatted about the difficulties we each faced over how to present ourselves. They were particularly interested in my dilemma of how to change a whole school’s perception of me.

They agreed that the programme that Caroline and I had agreed some months ago was the best way forward, and we parted with the idea of meeting up to do some shopping together during the Easter break.

It seemed very soon that Caroline and I were waiting nervously outside the Principal’s office, but the time had come for our plan to be started.

In fact David Cordran, the Principal was quite supportive, if a little uncertain how he could mitigate any unpleasantness that could arise from my transformation. His first question was about whether I could pull it off as a woman teacher in the school. Would I look so out of the ordinary that life would be made too difficult for me and for the school?

Caroline assured me that she had been with me when ‘dressed’ and that I did not look anything out of the ordinary.

“Please meet me and my wife at the local pub on Saturday evening. I shall be happy to buy you a drink and my wife is a much better judge of these things than I am, so I will defer to her opinion. It is not that I would or could try to dissuade you from your course of the school. I need to be able to manage the situation as best I can for both you and the school, and need advice for that. My colleagues here will, I am sure, be supportive, but they may talk in front of the students before we are ready to proceed.”

So I dressed with care and drove from my rented flat to the pub right in the middle of the town where the school was based. Somewhat nervously I crossed the carpark to the main bar and saw David and his wife Mary at a table across the room. I waved and went to meet them.

“I hope you will not mind me giving you a kiss on the cheek in the way I would any other woman I had met here.”

I went up on tiptoes for him to brush his lips across my cheek. Mary did the same.

“I think you look phenomenal, was David’s first comment. No one here would regard you as being anything other than an attractive woman in her late 20’s. Mary agreed. How is it you have learned so quickly how to dress in a co-ordinated fashion and wear makeup that is so appropriate to your dress? I wish you could teach my 14 year old daughter to be so effective with her makeup.”

While David bought me the glass of white wine spritzer he had promised, Mary chatted about school and her family.

We were soon resettled in around the pub table and so the discussion proceeded.

“What is your goal?” David asked.

“I would like to have surgery eventually and obtain a gender reassignment certificate. In the short term I would like to live my life accepted by students and colleagues as being a normal woman doing a good job here at the school.”

“I think there are two separate things here. We all have two lives. The first is our professional life where we come to school and teach as best we can. The second is our private lives where we can be more liberal how we live and dress.”

“The duration of the former, is no more than seven years. When every child who knew you as a man has moved on then there will be no problem, but until that time there will be difficulties that have to be managed.”

“I like the plan you and Caroline have formulated. I don’t think there is any sign to me at least that you will need to wear women’s clothes before the end of the summer term. Is that correct from your perspective?”

“I am already feeling a little uncomfortable with a sports bra on, squashing me a bit; but we can see how my development progresses. I wear a 34A bra now, and will get bigger so I am told. I have had to let out my man’s trousers to cope with my hips getting wider, but so far so good. I am wearing bulky jumpers so when my shirt buttons gape, the gap is hidden. I don’t know what I will do when the weather is warmer and everyone is in a simple shirt or top?”

“Again, let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.”

“My second concern is with a small number of the students who will try to make your life a misery. Think of them a trolls. Their parents will be up here on the day you are revealed demanding that I suspend you as an abomination. They will quote scripture to me. I will protect you from such people, but you must be careful in the street in case some parent or group of students see you alone and unsupported.”

“I would ask you to come to the whole training day in May dressed as you will be on the first day of next term. I am sure the staff will be very supportive. I will warn them so you don’t get too many gasps when you come in to the staff room.”

“For the first few weeks at least, I will drive to school. Until now I have normally come on the bus, but you are absolutely correct that being cornered by a group of students egging each other on is the very last thing I want to happen.”

“Once the training day is over, I will instruct the office staff to address all documents to you as M/s Frost, or Antonia or Toni Frost rather than Anthony. Your initials on timetables and so on will be TFR rather than AFR as at present.”

“I am sure this seems quite daunting at present, but I do feel that we can try to make the transition as easy as we can for you. I, like many of the staff have said that it was only a matter of time before this happened.”

Caroline looked over to me and smiled. “I think Antonia was the last person on the staff to recognise this, but I am very happy for her.”

David continued …“On another matter, I am concerned about the student you know as Claire or Charles Carter. When her confidante, Angela, has left she will be rather alone. I normally make a bit of a show about which teacher is to become form tutor for any particular class at the end of each summer term, but I think in your case I am going to make an exception. Claire will be in the Upper Sixth taking her A levels next year and I am going to attach you as an extra Sixth Form tutor for the year for you both to be able to support each other. The following year you will return to being a normal form tutor. I haven’t got the staff to be able to have many supernumerary teachers so it can only be for a year!

“I think that covers everything unless Caroline has any more points to make.”

“No? ... so I pass on my best wishes for your future from Mary and we will look forward to next term and beyond.”

“That went better than I had expected”, was Caroline’s first comment.

I just smiled and squeezed her hand for an instant.

“I have a date with Angela and Claire next week to go out shopping in Nottingham. A bit of retail therapy whilst everything needs to remain secret. The ‘girls’ will share my shared changing space one at a time and we should be on our way by lunch time.”

And so it was. Three young women to all intents and purposes. Unexceptional in every way, enjoying each other’s company and of course no one took any notice. There were not too many purchases. My needs were more pressing in view having to change completely in August but Angela and Claire were not short of ideas to guide me into what they thought were the right choices.

“When you are revealed in the final assembly of next term I would like to join you.” Claire said without any reservation, it seemed.

“What does Caroline say about this?” I asked, somewhat taken aback.

Angela added, “Although it doesn’t make a lot of difference, but I would like to join you both on the stage as girls. I would have to borrow a Sixth Form uniform. I am not about to buy a whole new uniform for one or two hours wear.”

“We have spoken to Caroline several times about this in our weekly sessions and whilst she has some reservations, she knows that Claire will have to become accepted in her new gender soon as the medication will make wearing a boy’s uniform impossible. The criteria that make it good for you to be seen right at the end of term apply to us as well. By the start of the Autumn term any upheaval will surely have died down.”

“Before we finish I would like to go to get a new girls’ uniform that I can wear on the last day of term. I hope you will help in case I get nervous as I may meet someone I know there.”

In the event, visitors to the store late in the afternoon on a Wednesday near Easter were few, and no one was there Claire recognised. The uniform for senior girls was not particularly proscriptive. It was the colour that was important with purple being the dominant colour. She came out of the changing room and gave us a swirl … absolutely delighted with the choices she had made.

Angela was pensive. “How do I borrow a uniform without letting the cat out of the bag?”

I think I can get access to the second hand uniform shop at the school. All the garments are washed and if you give me your measurements then I will surreptitiously borrow the items if you can get them back to me pronto laundered before the new term starts.
… and so it was. Angela didn’t know that by the time I had ‘borrowed’ the items, the staff already knew what was going on and were happy with my little deceit.

… but I am getting ahead of myself.

The training day was on the Monday after the May Half Term break and I was full of nerves. I drove to the staff car park and went in as if nothing was different. David had sent out a staff memo with ‘Read and destroy’ printed in large letters at the top, so everyone I saw said “Hello Antonia”, or something similar and complimented me on what I was wearing and how I looked. I could not have been more supported when I went into the hall for the training day. All the information sheets said M/s Frost or TFR on them.

I had to give a presentation about the development of IT facilities in the school over the coming year and that went very well. I tried to keep my voice in my upper register, but as I sang as a first tenor, I was able to use my ‘head voice’ as my speaking voice.

At the end of the day I thought it had gone really well. I felt supported and the Principal seemed happy as well.

Unfortunately not all the staff were as careful of the Memo as they had been instructed to be. Brian, a languages teacher had taken the memo home in a bundle of paper intending to destroy it later when he was less rushed. His son saw the memo sticking out of his father’s briefcase and the boy was, of course, very interested and scanned the document before returning it to the pile of papers in his father’s briefcase. The boy wasn’t being malevolent but some of the so called ‘friends’ he sent it to clearly fell into that category.

The school used filtered emails for children and parents to contact Staff to ask about all sorts of things like asking for permission for planned absences, illness or questions about homework.

None of the abusive emails got through to Antonia, but the school manager had access to all the material that had been filtered out and was shocked by the number of vile messages that had been sent to her. The school manager printed out a selection and took them straight to the Principal.

“This is very unfortunate, but I am not entirely surprised.”

“Can we find out who released the original Memo?”

“I have asked all the teaching staff how they destroyed the Memo. The only one who took it home to destroy later was Brian Scott who has a son here in year ten.”

“Ask Mr. Scott to come and see me as soon as he can.”

… and so it was. Brian Scott admitted that he had taken the memo home and it would have been possible for his son to have copied it before he destroyed it later that day.

A subsequent interview with George Scott and his father confirmed that George had copied the memo and had circulated it amongst his friends. George was a lonely boy on the whole, and it was clear that he saw the memo as a way of currying favour with some of the more powerful, but undesirable elements in the school.

“The question I have to answer is … What do I do with you? What you have done is seriously wrong, but it did stem from your father’s carelessness.”

In a moment of unexpected bravery, George spoke for the first time other than to answer a direct question.

“I feel terribly responsible for what has happened. I didn’t understand the consequences of what I did. I have seen some of the vile messages sent to Antonia Frost and am deeply ashamed.”

“I have no way that I can make it up to M/s Frost. The harm has been done, but I would like to make my apology in front of the whole school and just to emphasise the feelings I have I would like to be dressed in a girl’s uniform when I do it. I admire her for what she is doing and if there was any way of undoing the harm I have done, then I would grasp it with both hands.”

“That would certainly be a sincere apology if you can bring yourself to do it.” David looked across to George’s father.

“Do you agree, Brian, that this would be a suitable way of correcting the harm that George has done?”

“I am amazed that George has made this offer. I did not expect it at all. I am sure his mother and I will support him in this.”

“There is one more thing to be done before I accept your offer. M/s Frost doesn’t know of the unsavoury messages that have been filtered out, but she must know that the information has got out from the comments other students are making. I must ask her to bring forward her ‘change over’ day as there really isn’t any point in delaying matters further.”

I will ask her to come to school as Antonia from now on, and she will be on the platform when you give your apology in front of the whole school.

“I will ring you both a bit later to confirm the arrangements when I have spoken to M/s Frost, but in the meantime I suggest that you source a girl’s uniform that will fit you.”

“I don’t think that will be a problem, we still have the uniform of George’s older sister Tania, who is now at University.”

“Good. Subject to M/s Frost’s agreement. I will see you both here on Monday morning. George, you will be in girl’s uniform for the whole day and there will be a full school assembly at the end of the school day as usual on a Monday where you will be invited up to the stage to make your apology. It will be a very difficult thing for you to do, but it is a reasonable punishment that fits the crime as it were.”

Antonia Frost was very much aware that her secret was no longer a secret and readily agreed that George’s suggestion was appropriate and commensurate.

Angela raided the ‘Pre-loved’ Uniform store rather earlier than had been planned, and Claire donned her girl’s uniform rather earlier than expected. The two girls stood either side of Antonia on the stage. It was difficult to decide whether the three were more nervous than George, or whether it was the other way round.

George held the microphone steady and spoke from a prepared card very clearly.
“I have tried to share some of the experiences of cross dressing that these three brave people are experiencing every day. I have been sworn at numerous times today and have been verbally abused. I have been touched inappropriately more times than I care to mention. I admire you for what you are doing to help change people’s views.”

“I apologise from the bottom of my heart for circulating the confidential memo, and, M/s Frost, I hope you will accept this apology.”

“I don’t feel that would ever want to be a woman or girl, but the taunts I have received today are a wake-up call to us all. Now you all know why I am wearing a girls’ uniform today I hope attitudes will change. With the Principal’s permission, I am going to wear this uniform with pride just one more day.”

David nodded his agreement.

Antonia used a tissue to catch a tear, then walked across the stage and hugged George in front of the whole school!

Thank you she said into the microphone that was still switched on. Yes, of course, I accept your apology.

A trickle of applause started near the back of the hall and spread until it became a standing ovation.

The following day George made good with his promise. A self selected group of older girls remained with him for the whole day and absolutely no one got through the female barrier unless it was to say something nice.

One boy shouted some abuse from across the hall, but he was the only one. He was manhandled into the office of his year head, and was suspended for a week for abusive behaviour. In fact he got the message that he was no longer welcome and moved schools soon afterwards.

A year later and Antonia, Claire and Angela waited patiently at a private clinic for breast enhancement. They had remained friends after Claire and Angela had left school and were at the clinic with Antonia for mutual support. They had been out and about together regularly during the last year and had seen a selection of boy friends come and go.

They insisted on going into the consulting room together to the surprise of the surgeon.

When three chairs had been provided the surgeon asked. How can I help you?

“We would like a matching set.”
“A matching set of what?”

A matching set of 34C breasts please.

The three went in for surgery on the same morning and were delivered back to a four-bedded ward afterwards. They had the nurses in stitches with the constant jokes. Antonia’s, Claire’s and Angela’s happiness rubbed off on the staff at the clinic. When their recovery was well advanced the three women were discharged. They were waved off arm in arm. All that was left to be done was to screw up their old bra’s and toss them into a nearby street rubbish bin.