by Linda Jeffries

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For those of us old enough to remember, Truth or Consequences, an American quiz show, originally hosted on NBC radio by Ralph Edwards (1940-57) and later on television by Edwards (1950-54), Jack Bailey (1954-55), Bob Barker (1956-75), Bob Hilton (1975-78) and Larry Anderson (1987-88). The television show ran on CBS, NBC and also in syndication. The premise of the show was to mix the original quiz element of game shows with wacky stunts. The contestants were supposed to answer some off-the-wall question, with only milliseconds to think of an appropriate answer. The question was usually the lead-in to a punch line delivered by the host. Failing to tell the "truth" the contestants were then to take the consequences, usually to perform some stupid activity in front of the studio audience and the television cameras. It was all in fun, but the principle behind the premise of the show was, and still is, universally true -- you better tell the truth or be prepared to pay the consequences. Of course we all know that every action has its consequences. To tell the truth or not, any action has consequence. For me, I find that telling the truth usually has more palatable consequences than telling a lie.

Case in point #1: After careful consideration and much soul-searching in my mid- to late-20's, I was finally able to admit to myself that I am a transvestite. I like to dress up in women's clothes and I get immense satisfaction from doing so. That satisfaction has ranged from sexual satisfaction to spiritual satisfaction, with the latter being more prevalent as I get older and am able to dress more often and interact with society from a feminine point of view. Until I came upon this truth and accepted it, I was miserable. Miserable with fear of being crazy, homosexual, or of being discovered. And miserable with guilt because boys just shouldn't enjoy wearing dresses, because of the misappropriation of other persons' clothing, because of the taboo sexual satisfaction that followed each episode of dressing, because I couldn't seem to control the urge to dress up, and because I couldn't share my thoughts and feelings with anybody. The consequences of not telling the truth were all negative.

Case in point #2: Because I was able to admit the truth to myself as explained in number 1 above, I was able to quit living a lie and admit the truth to those who were dear to me. Before I didn't want to admit to myself that I was a transvestite, therefore it followed that I certainly didn't want to admit it to anybody else, especially my wife and family. Eventually she found out, as all wives are bound to do and I went through many cycles of promising to quit, to never do this thing again. In the beginning, in my naiveté', I truly believed that I would and could keep this promise. But as time progressed, I came to the realize that this was an empty promise. Eventually I would always slip back into the familiar pattern of deception and hiding that only fed my misery, guilt, and unhappiness, and that invariably culminated in discovery by my wife with the resultant hurt, destruction of trust, and heartbreak.

A few years ago, I vowed never to make any more promises that I knew I couldn't keep, especially when it came to cross-dressing. It was not easy to work things out between us, and it was not all that pleasant to come to the very brink of divorce after twenty some years of marriage, but I thought it was necessary to come to an understanding and a compromise between what I wanted and needed and what she could put up with and allow. Consequently we are now able to deal with the situation a whole lot better, we disagree less often about it, I don't have to sneak around anymore, and we are more loving to each other. All in all, the consequences of telling the truth have for us been much more positive than what we had going for us before. My only regret is that I didn't cross this particular bridge in my life much sooner.

Case in point #3: In 1978, while serving in the military, my transvestism was discovered. I was confronted with some pictures of me in a dress, correspondence with other TVs, and some TV literature. The questions put to me were, "Is that really you?" And, "Is this stuff yours?" I had gained enough awareness of who I was by that time to answer unashamedly that, yes, the pictures were of me and the letters and magazines were mine. With sixteen years invested in my military career at that time, I knew that this answer had the potential of jeopardizing my continuing in the service. I underwent mandatory psychiatric evaluation and was found to be sane and in control of my own faculties (it's nice to have it confirmed by a recognized authority that you are not crazy).

In spite of this psychiatric judgment and evidence to the contrary, it was decreed by someone in Washington D.C. that I was a sex pervert and a homosexual and that I should be removed from the military for the convenience of the service. I could have accepted that decree, rolled over and played dead, and taken the administrative discharge and tried to get on with the rest of my life. But I enjoyed what I was doing in the Navy, I felt I was needed where I was and had an important contribution yet to make, and quite frankly I was scared to death of jumping out into the great unknown of civilian life at that particular time in my life. So I opted to put myself through the ordeal of an administrative discharge board. I came out of that hearing with the recommendation from the convening board that I be retained in the service. The bureaucrats in Washington D.C. accepted that recommendation and I was allowed to remain in the service and completed twenty-one years and three days of active duty, advancing to the next-to-the-highest enlisted rank before I voluntarily retired.

I think my honesty with those who questioned me on these matters had a strong bearing on the outcome. The fact that I also happened to have a clean record and had always been very highly rated among my peers certainly helped too.

Case in point #4: (and the whole reason for this article), started some eighteen months ago (originally written in 1991) when my employer asked me to upgrade my security clearance to the next higher level. I submitted the necessary request forms, answering all the questions and filling in all the blanks as truthfully as memory would allow. One of the blanks was to list any alias I had ever used in your life. Along with the usual nicknames and alternate spellings of my given name, I listed the name I use when dressed in women's clothing. I knew that the facts put forth in the preceding cases in point would come to light. The first place the examiners would look as they began the necessary background investigation, would be my military service record -- so why try to pretend it didn't exist? Besides, I had been interviewed by an investigating agent for my original security clearance about this very matter just ten months before and had been granted clearance.

Some six month after submitting the request, and after being told by many of my friends and neighbors that they had been questioned by a government agent about me, I was again called in for a personal interview. I knew what the thrust of the questions would be, and I was comfortable in being able to answer the expected questions with truth, candor, and with a sense of having nothing to hide. I was not disappointed. I was asked exactly the questions I had expected and I gave the truth in return. The agent tried to make a big deal about how I would be subject to blackmail if someone found out about my cross-dressing. How absurd! Think about it: I had already lived through the trauma of discovery by one of the most uptight organizations on the face of the earth, the U.S. military, and I had answered the same questions for the same governmental agency just a few months before. I had survived those quite well, thank you. So why would anyone think that I might fear my present employer becoming knowledgeable, when the alternative would be to do possible damage to the country I had served with twenty-one years of my life? Pish posh! The only reason I hadn't told them already was because the subject hadn't come up. Rule #1 of disclosure: tell only those who need to know, when they need to know it, and do it in a matter-of-fact way that does not embarrass you or your listener.

I was also asked if I thought I would continue to cross-dress, especially in public. In all honesty, if you remember cases in point #1 and #2, you would realize that could only be answered in the affirmative. If I was afraid of detection, would I venture out in public? Absolutely not, I would still be hidden in my closet with the door locked, bolted, and nailed shut. Anybody who ventures in public wearing a dress and not realizing that he will be seen by someone is living in a fantasy land. Part of the reason to go out in public is to be seen, for goodness sakes. So, if one of our neighbors, co-workers, or friends should see us, we had better have worked out well in advance how we plan to handle the situation.

Much to my shock and chagrin, a few months after the interview I received a communication officially known as "Statement of Reasons" that told why I was to be denied the upgrade in security clearance as well as warned of imminent revocation of the clearance I already had. Reasons were based upon the following criteria:

"1. Available information tends to show sexual perversion on your part. That information is:

a. You engaged in transvestite activities, with varying frequency, from approximately 1968 to at least December 1988.

b. You appeared in public while disguised as a female, with varying frequency, from approximately 1981 to at least December 1988.

c. You intend to continue your transvestite activity.

2. Available information reflects facts or circumstances which furnish reason to believe that you may be subjected to coercion, influence, or pressure that may cause action contrary to the national interest on your part. That information is:

a. Your transvestite activities are not known to your current supervisor.

b. Your transvestite activities are not known to your current co-workers.

c. Your transvestite activities are not known to your son.

d. Your transvestite activities are not known to the Boy Scouts of America, for whom you serve as an assistant Scout Master in a local Boy Scouts Troop.

3. Information set forth under paragraph 1. and 2., above, tends to reflect acts of omission or commission that indicate poor judgment, unreliability, or untrustworthiness on your part."

Sexual perversion? Blackmailed into espionage? Unreliable and untrustworthy? Hey! Just who in the hell do they think they are making these absurd accusations? Everything they said was a repeat of my own honest, candid answers to their stupid questions in the first place. Decisions decisions: do I roll over and play dead on this one? After all, this is the Unites States Government doing the accusing; what chance did little old me have of prevailing against the mightiest nation in the world? What is so ironic is that the last interviewing agent made a big deal about how a neighbor might see me coming or going while in a dress and try to shake me down for a few dollars in hush money each week, and here the government was trying to shake me down for a lot more than a few measly dollars in hush money; they were trying to extract from me my personal dignity and self esteem. To quote a famous sailor, "Enough is enough and too much is too much!" (Popeye, 1938).

One of the benefits of making contact with others who share your interests is the vastly increased circle of friends, friends of friends, and a pooling of resources to fill different needs. I was given the phone number of the most eminent lady in cross-dressing society, none other than Virginia Prince, who was able to give me some very good advice. To wit, you don't have to play dead on this one, kiddo.

I was also able to make contact with an attorney, Mr. Richard Gayer, Esq. of San Francisco, who has dealt with security clearance issues in the past (primarily for gays), but who felt he could help me out. He assisted me in drafting a scathing eight page rebuttal to the "Statement of Reasons," that meticulously picked apart each and every one of the points the government thought so damning in my case. We also included statements from my supervisors and selected co-workers, attesting to the fact that they knew of my transvestite activities and that it didn't have any bearing upon my ability to do my job or my ability to work efficiently with them or anyone else. In addition we not only asked for a public hearing, but demanded "...an open hearing in a room open to the general public and large enough to accommodate at least 20 members of the public and news media in addition to the participants in the hearing itself." Let's see who would be embarrassed for wasting the taxpayers money beating a dead horse that had twice been buried.

The reaction from my supervisor, who is a retired Marine from Alabama (now how could you find someone more redneck than that), was a surprising: "So what?" The co-workers I confided in were equally unconcerned about it. One of them, an officer with whom I had served in the military before the military became aware of my "hobby", I was to find out later, knew of my cross-dressing before I even came to work with my present employer and still recommended me for the job! Through a misunderstanding, the fact that I liked to wear dresses came to be more publicly known than I had originally intended. Even so, the reactions from others has been remarkably absent.

Just before this last Christmas, I received a communication from the government agency that said:

"Reference the Statement of Reasons issued to you on May 17, 1989, and your response dated, June 26, 1989.

In accordance with DoD Directive 5220.6, Enclosure 1, paragraph 6, a determination now has been made, based upon all of the available information, that further processing of your case in accordance with the Directive is not warranted.

The Defense Industrial Security Clearance Office (DISCO) has been instructed on this date to grant a security clearance for you to the level requested."

Tell the truth and suffer the consequences -- you are able to look that person you see in the mirror in the eyes as you shave in the morning or put on your makeup in the evening. In a case such as the last one, you also feel good about yourself because you have stood up for what you believe in and have been counted. Should you be honest and truthful in your life too? Absolutely! Should you tell those who need to know when they need to know? You bet! Can you do it? Only if you have come to the point where you can be truthful with the one person in this life who really matters, namely yourself. Because if you can't be truthful with yourself, who can you tell the truth to?

I want to give a very special thanks to my bride of forty-two years who has stood by me and put up with me these years. I also want to thank all my friends, co-workers, and Thursday Irregulars who have stood by me and helped me get through this dark time. A special thanks to my dear friend Joan Sheldon who cheered me on when things looked the bleakest, Joe "Moneybags" who gave me the name of a good lawyer, Becky who empathized with me, and has since come under similar governmental condemnation, and Mr. Gayer, the good lawyer, who helped me beat back the minions of the evil empire and helped me to become U.S. Government Certified OK!

Disclaimer: The original characters and plot of this story are the property of the author. No infringement of pre-existing copyright is intended. This story is copyright (c) 2000 Linda Jeffries. All rights reserved.

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