Cheating Death
by Edeyn Hannah Blackeney

"But, you CAIN'T cheat Death!" she protested, her accent slipping through slightly as her stress rose.

"Look, Vaughn, I just --"

"No! Now, you just simmah ohn down now, and you listen t'ME!" she shook her finger in my face, her pretty brow furrowed in her worry and consternation.

I sighed and waited, she worried too much.

She made a visible effort to calm herself, and when she spoke again, the accent was again supressed.

"You don't make a deal involving Death and expect to come out on top. If you don't lose your soul, you lose something worse."

"Look, sweetie, it's fine. Death misspoke, probably because of that weird Royal way of referring in plural, and she included me when she did. Not my fault if the way she phrased it was wrong. I'm a lawyer, there's no way to catch me in this loophole."

"I don't like it!" she snapped, stamping her (cute!) little foot, "Tell me EXACTLY what was said!"

I chuckled at the memory.

"Okay, hon, it was like this..."

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She loomed over me, and the thought that leapt into my head was, by all accounts, the stupidest thing I'd ever thought.

]]Wow, Death is HAWT! I wonder if there's a Mister Death?[[

Yeah, I know. Whatever. Look, I'm a guy despite liking to dress as a woman sometimes. At least I'm enough of a gentlepig to not say it out loud, right?

"Parker Jordan Quinnley," she said -- in a way old-school type of voice just dripping with pseudo-Victorian-esque charm that I think was a put on and completely fake (was 'owest' even a word ever?), "Thou owest a forfeit of thyself at this time. Thou may choose to make mine such a forfeit now, of thine own self... or thou may choose to instead make mine the firstborn child of ours."

Now, of course the first thought I had was that of any straight man (crossdresser or not) or lesbian woman would have thought after seeing her -- ]]is she offering to sleep with me?[[

I knew that couldn't be it, so I clarified... okay, very bluntly.

"What do you mean by, 'firstborn child of ours,' -- are you saying you want to have my baby?"

"Such insolence. Thou hast proven unable to comprehend. I shall explain that as I have not been a mortal woman since the time of Queen Elizabeth the First, I long ago exhausted mine supply of womanly fervor along with the last of mine eggs to make the journey from within mine body. I meant instead --"

Bingo. She thought I was a woman. I mean, I've thought about being one before, and it might be fun to try one of those belts that stupid warrior adventurers are always seeming to find in dungeons sometime, but... "Whatever. Then I accept the second choice, assuming that you cannot become pregnant by mystical means."

"I cannot."

"Then... I'm free to go?"

"Until such time as thou must deliver upon thy promise thou art free. Thou shalt be visited upon the closure of thine three-day."

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"See? She messed up. These mystical types have to play by the rules they set. I'm scot-free and there's nothing she can do about it. Because she thought I was a woman."

"I dunno. I still don't like it."

I grinned and pulled her into a hug.

"Look, she said she'd been a mortal woman a few hundred years ago. To me, that says she took over for someone. In all the old texts, it refers to Death as male. So, I'm thinking she used a condition that was never reworded for the Women's Lib movement. I'll be fine, and it's been three days already. No one's shown up --"

Of course that's when there was a knock on the door.

I went to answer it, and sure enough, there in all her hotness, was Death.

"I have come to collect from thee," she said in that freaky-cool voice.

I smirked at her.

"And how, pray tell, do you expect to do that?" I asked (yeah, I'm a moron).

"Just so," she said as she clasped my hand.

I blacked out, and when I woke up, Vaughn was half-crying, half-laughing hysterically as a man I didn't know stood over me, shirtless, zipping his fly.

"Mine presence will be here to collect the seed gestating within thine womb ten moons and three weeks hence," he picked up a now-familiar cloak and scythe that happened to be leaning against my sofa, "Good day, madam."

I sat bolt upright. I knew what had happened, but this was just plain WRONG!

Vaughn was bringing herself back under control.

"I told you, Parker, you cain't cheat Death..."

I just looked at her, and hefted myself off of the floor. So, I was not only a woman, but pregnant now? This could be interesting, but wait... I was going to have to give up my baby?

I looked over at Vaughn.

"How could this have come from a stupid game of cards?"

She answered in a sad tone, "You cain't cheat Death... she owns the casino."