Synopsis:

Re-edited August 23, 2006

Will Matt be allowed to discover and accept his inner self?
Or will he be stuck being someone he doesn't want to be?
How much does love and understanding by
someone else affect the outcome?

I would like to thank my dear friends,
Angel O’Hare, Karen Page, Joni W. and Holly Logan
For their kindness, help, support and input.

Raised In SLC
Chapter 2

By Penny Reed Cardon

About a week after Chuck moved into his new room, Mom arranged for a new chest of drawers for me, as Chuck had taken the drawers that he and I had shared. My new drawers were really, nice. There were six wide drawers in a single column, which was three more than I needed. The top drawer had a lock in it, which was locked for some reason. When I asked mom about it she told me, “Don’t to worry your pretty little head about it.” Now what do you suppose she meant by that?

A couple of days later, as I was getting ready for bed, someone knocked at my door. “Who’s there?” I called out politely.

“Matt, it’s Mother, may I come in?”

“Just a second, Mom,” I said as I quickly finished getting my pajamas on, then opened the door. “Hi Mom what’s up?”

Mom closed the door and sat on my bed. Out of her pocket, she pulled a small key and offered it to me.

“This is the key to your top drawer, Matt. You and I are the only ones that have access to it,” she said, almost whispering and appearing just a little bit nervous.

I slowly took the key and looked at it. It didn’t seem any different from any other key.

“Go ahead Matt, open the drawer. I think you're going to like what you'll find inside,” Mom told me.

I went to my chest of drawers and slowly inserted and turned the key. As I pulled the drawer open, I was greeted by a rainbow of colors. On the left side of the drawer near the front was a stack of neatly folded panties, some pink, white, yellow, red, blue and purple; most of them were covered with lace. Behind the stack of panties was an equally colorful stack of neatly folded vests, but only a few of them had lace on them. Next to the panties and vests were what appeared to be several nightgowns. Most of them were flowing with lace or ruffles, a couple of them had matching panties. On the right side of the drawer were several pairs of lace anklets, knee socks and even a couple pairs of tights, all in an assortment of colors. In the back of the drawer was some sort of mesh material, which I'd never seen before.

“Um mom, why are these in my drawer?” I asked with a very timid voice.

“What’s the matter, Matilda? You don’t like your new selection of underthings and nightwear?” Mom asked with a smile.

“Uh Mom, these are girls underthings, and why are you calling me Matilda?” I asked while absent-mindedly caressing the soft nylon panties.

“Of course they're girls underthings, silly one,” Mom said as she rose from my bed and moved to stand next to me. “And if you had been born a girl you would have been named Matilda instead of Matthias.”

“But I’m a boy and my name is Matthias. And I’m not supposed to like or wear girls underthings. If anyone finds out that I have been . . .” I just couldn’t finish that thought. I started to shake just thinking about what would happen.

Mom gently put her arms around me and moved me back to the bed. Sitting down, she held me close. “Settle down Matilda. It’s okay, just calm down, and don’t start crying on me now.” Her soothing words and the comfort of being held so close was all that kept me from crying.

“Let me talk for a few minutes and you just listen,” she continued. “After our talk a month ago I've done a lot of research. I talked with some friends of mine from the University and I’ve also talked with your teachers. What I found out from your teachers is that this past month you’ve not been doing so well in school. The week before that you did exceptionally well, you were participating in class and in general having fun. The month before that, you did poorly, no participating in class, sad and moody. Before that, you had good weeks and bad weeks. The good weeks were exceptionally good and the bad weeks were just as exceptionally bad. Your teachers are at a loss to understand it. They have no idea what could be causing your attitude and performance to swing so rapidly from one end of the scale to the other. After talking to my friends at the University, then checking the dates that your school performance was good and comparing those dates to when I knew you were dressing in your sisters’ clothes. I discovered they matched. It's just as you said, Dear. You're happier when you wear girl's clothes and sad when you can’t.”

I just sat there, in my mother's arms, while she talked, trying to understand what she was saying. The only part that I really understood was that I was happy when I wore girl's clothes and was sad when I couldn’t.

“But I'm a boy,” I cried softly. “I’m not supposed to like or wear girl's clothes.”

“Well all the evidence points to the contrary. All the research I've done suggests that you have what is clinically known as ‘Gender Dysphoria’ although without some testing and an evaluation by a certified psychiatrist, we can’t be sure. I have arranged for you to see a friend of mine, but she's booked solid for the next few weeks. In the meantime she suggests that you be allowed to freely express your inner self

“What is Gender Dys . . .?” I tried to ask.

“Well, your father would call it ‘Psycho Babble,’ but to put simply it means that in your mind and in you heart, you believe that you're a girl. You are happy when you can dress that way and you are sad, moody and depressed when you can’t,” Mom explained.

“What did you mean when you said that I should be allowed to express my inner self?” I asked.

“It means, that if you feel better when you’re wearing girls underthings then you should be allowed to do so. Therefore, I got you some of your own. That way you won’t have to keep borrowing from your sister. You know your sister Rachael is so smart she figured out it was you playing in her underwear drawer about the same time I did. She's okay with all of this, and even offered to let you borrow her underwear, she loves you so much. I thought it would be best if you had your own. I also added some nightgowns in case you wanted something a little more feminine to sleep in. I suggest that you only wear these things here at home, in the evenings and on the weekends. If by chance someone at school happened to catch you using the restroom wearing girl's panties, there is no way I or anyone else would be able to stop the other kids from teasing you. You understand that, don't you?” Mom cautioned me.

“Oh yes Mom, I understand that. That day when I accidentally had to wear Rachael’s underwear to school, I was so scared; I almost wet my self before I had the nerve to use the public restrooms.” I confessed. “Mom, what’s that odd mesh thing in the back of the drawer?” I had to ask.

“Oh, that’s a laundry bag. After you have taken your nightly shower, don’t put Matilda’s underwear in the laundry hamper in the bathroom. You need to keep putting Matt’s underwear in there. Put Matilda’s underwear in that bag and put it in the small laundry hamper that I’ve put in the back of your closet. Three times each week, while I’m doing laundry, I will come get it and see that your things are washed and returned before anyone else comes home.

I couldn’t help myself as I threw my arms around my mother. “Oh Mom, I love you.” I cried, over and over. I came to realize that my mother understood what I was feeling, even if I didn’t understand it completely. At that moment in time, I was the happiest girl on earth.

“Well, I better leave and let you get ready for bed,” Mom said, grinning as she got up to leave. “You still have school in the morning, so get some sleep.” She kissed me on my forehead before she left.

I locked the door as I looked at the colorful array before me as I stripped off my pajamas and underwear. I finally decided to wear some pink panties with lots of lace. Then I slipped into a knee length pink satin nightgown, with ruffles around the short sleeves and around the bottom. I then crawled into my bed and fell asleep with a smile on my face. I slept so soundly and peacefully that I didn’t hear Mom’s usual wake up knock. In fact, I didn’t wake up until I heard Chuck was pounding on my door, yelling at me to get up, as he was leaving for school.

Mom knocked on my door a few moments later. “May I come in dear?” she asked

“Um, I’m not dressed yet Mom,” I replied.

“That's what I figured dear. I'm assuming you're still in your nightclothes though. Could we talk for just a minute?” she said.

“Is anyone else home?” I asked quietly through the door.

“No Matilda, everyone else has left. It’s just you and me.”

I unlocked the door and slowly opened it.

“I was just wondering how you slept last night and if . . . Oh I see you did take advantage of my gifts,” she said with a smile, as she came into my room and saw what I was wearing.

“I just thought I would try them on. Um, well, actually, Mom, I did sleep like this. Oh, Mom, it felt so wonderful and was just so, dreamy, sleeping in this satin nightgown. I don’t think I woke up once all night,” I said as I floated back to my bed and gracefully sat down. “Mom, I had the most wonderful dream last night. I was in a beautiful gown with lots of flowing lace and ribbons. All my friends were there and we all were having such a wonderful time, there were balloons, cake, and ice cream, and presents and we were all dancing around showing off our pretty dresses. Oh, Mom, I have never been so happy and peaceful, I just didn’t want to wake up.”

“I could tell, Sweetheart. I knocked once, Rachael knocked twice, it finally took Charles pounding on your door to get you to come out of that dream world you were in, but right now, you’re late for school. So you better hurry up and change and I'll take you to school so you’re not too late,” Mom said as she hugged me and left so I could get dressed for school.

Boy's clothes are so yucky. After sleeping in such blissful elegance, I wanted to keep my panties on. Still, I knew that mom was right, if anyone at school caught a glimpse of them, I would be a dead girl before the end of the week.

The next few weeks went by quickly. I would get home from school and immediately change into my nice underwear. Just before getting into bed, I would put on a lovely nightgown to sleep in. As I was spending my evenings and night's dressed in the way I felt the most comfortable, I was becoming happier each day. Mom had to take me to school several times because I just couldn’t seem to wake up on time. Rachael and I developed a special relationship that grew way beyond that of brother and sister. We were “Sisters!” We shared clothes whenever we could. She loved the longer nightgowns that mom had bought for me and I really liked her short Baby Doll nighties with the matching panties. Therefore, we traded back and forth often. During those few weeks, as I enjoyed being Matilda, my grades in school soared. I didn’t even mind that I had to wear boy's clothes during the day, well, not very much, anyway. Everyone noticed a change in me; I was kinder, happier and more helpful to everyone. I even helped Chuck when it was his turn to wash dishes. He was almost in shock.

Then school was out for the summer and I was able to wear my nice underwear all the time. Rachael and I were still trading back and forth. Mom, Rachael and I even went shopping for a few more, frilly, girly things. Rachael and I became inseparable. We were either playing board games or on the computer, (if Chuck wasn’t hogging it), at home by ourselves or with her friends, or mine over at Liberty Park. We seemed to spend a lot more time with Mary Beth and Kimmie. Rachel thought they were more grownup than her friends, (which of course they were). Nevertheless, wherever we were, we were together. Some of our friends’ parents were beginning to think we were twins. I almost didn't mind that they thought of us as twins. After all, we were sharing our clothes, our friends, our days and we were after all, the same physical size.

It was about three weeks after school was out that Mom had arranged for me to meet with her friend from school, Jill Morgan.

“Well, how did it go?” Mom asked as I got into the car after my first meeting with Jill.

“That’s kind of hard to say. Jill was real nice about everything . . . Oh yeah, she said that I should call her Jill instead of Ms. Morgan. Then she asked me about how I felt about you, Dad and then how I felt about Chuck, Karen and Rachael. You know, how we got along and so on. Then we talked about school and my friends there. You know, who I liked to talk with, who I liked to spend time with, stuff like that. We didn’t talk very much about me, or how I feel about things. I thought that's what we were supposed to talk about,” I said. I added. “Oh we did talk about you a little. She said that you were going to school to do what she's doing. Is that right?”

“That’s right, Dear. I was about six months away from my Doctorate degree when Charles was born. After that, I just didn’t want to go to school any more. I just wanted to be with my children,” she answered, kind of lost in thought and memories at the same time. “But anyway, I’m sure that Jill will want to talk more about you and how you feel, the next time you see her.”

“You mean I have to see her again? This wasn’t a one time thing?” I was shocked as I asked that question.

Mom just chuckled as she replied, “Oh Matilda, (by this time mom was calling me Matilda any time we were alone, although she always called me Matt when we were in public. It was kind of confusing). This is definitely not just a one-time thing. You'll be meeting with Jill every week for quite some time. It will take more than just a little time, and some tests to determine if my suspicion is correct.”

"What was it you called it?” I asked.

"What did I call what?"

"That thing . . . You know . . . What it is that you think is wrong with me?” I asked very softly, almost in a whisper.

“Oh no Matilda. You misunderstand. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you,” Mom said as she rested her hand on my knee as she drove. “As I told you before, I think that you have a condition where, although you were born in a boy's body, you actually have the mind, heart and soul of a girl. That’s the best way to describe what it means. It would also explain why you feel better when you dress as Matilda at home and why when you couldn’t, your grades at school dropped. It also explains what happened while we were on vacation last week. You were happy as a lark before we left but were sad and miserable the entire week we were away from home and you couldn’t be yourself. Then when we got back home you were happy as a lark again.”

“Are you telling me that I change that much, just because of what I'm wearing?”

“Yes indeed Matilda. I saw that sad puppy dog look on your face every time Rachael opened her suitcase. You were practically drooling. I'm sorry that you couldn't take any of your things with us, but you know there just wasn't any privacy while we were camping for a week at Zion National Park. Karen and Rachael both noticed how sad you were as well, although Karen doesn’t know why. As for you and Rachael, you've become so close I sometimes think of you two as twin sisters, I even thought of moving her into your room, but only for a second. Your father would flip if I even suggested such an idea,” Mom giggled as she talked about Rachael and me sharing a room.

“Anyway, if your talks with Jill go as I think they will, in about six months, maybe as soon as Christmas, I think we'll be introducing Matilda to Karen, Chuck, and even to your father. What do you think about that?” Mom asked as we pulled into the driveway and parked.

Just the thought of telling my dad had me was shaking like dried leaves on a maple tree in the fall. Mom pulled me over next to her and put her arm around me. “Take it easy, Matilda. We'll build up to that nice and slow, it’s not something we have to do right away. By the time you’re ready, I'll have had a chance to talk to your father and have him softened up to the idea. It’s not going to be any big deal, really. Just settle down and don’t worry about it right now.” She spoke so calmly, and with that voice of hers that could melt your heart, so that I soon forgot about most of my fears.

As we got in the house, Rachael could see that I'd been crying, so she rushed over and gave me a hug. “Matt, why don’t you take Rachael to your room? You can tell her everything that's happened today. I know she feels left out because she had to stay home.”

I looked at Mom wide eyed, surprised by what she'd said. I mean this was some really, heavy stuff even for me, and I’m nine years old, almost ten. But was Rachael ready for me to tell her everything? Mom just smiled at me and nodded, indicating that she knew exactly what she had said and what it meant. I shrugged my shoulders, took Rachael by the hand, and led her to my room so we could talk privately.

“So what’s going on Matt? What’s this all about? Who is this mysterious doctor you went to see?” Rachael was talking a mile a minute as usual.

“Well, umm, let’s start off with the easy stuff. First off, before Mom and Dad got married, Mom was studying to be a ‘Child Psychiatrist’. That's how she was able to read the signals that even I didn’t know I was sending.”

“You mean Mom was going to be a shrink?” Rachael interrupted.

“Yes, and from what Jill says, that’s Jill Morgan she is a friend of Moms, Mom was at the top of her class at the University,” I said after she let me continue.

“So this Jill person is a shrink too. She’s the mysterious doctor you went to see?”

“Umm . . . Yeah . . . That’s right, but that isn’t all, I will be seeing her once a week . . .”

“For how long?” Rachael is just full of questions as she interrupted me again.

“I don’t know how long. Mom says that it will be for a long time, she isn’t sure just how long.” As I said this, I was starting to feel a little sad, which Rachael noticed and gave me another hug.

“Secondly, you know how I like to wear girls clothes and how I act like a girl most of the time. Mom thinks I have a condition called “Genda . . . Gendura . . .” oh; you'll have to ask Mom how to pronounce it. What it means is, that I have a boy’s body but I've got a girl’s brain, at least I think that is what Mom said. Anyway, Jill’s supposed to be able to figure out if that is really what is going on or not.”

“Oh Matt, that must be the case. The only people I know of who are as nice as you are all girls. All the boys that are our ages are all mean, rowdy, brats and bullies.” I got another hug from Rachael as she said that.

“Anyway that’s why Mom got me the girl's underwear and nightgown's. Jill told her that she should get them for me, in order to help me get in touch with my inner feelings. I need to be able to dress as my feelings dictate, as Jill put it. So I guess that means that we can keep swapping clothes, at least for a while.”

“That’s great, Matt! Mom bought you some really nice stuff, so much nicer than a lot of mine.” Rachael was giggly as she said this.

“There are a couple of other things. Umm, Rachael, when we’re alone I would like umm . . . I mean would you mind umm . . .”

“Well it can’t be that bad, Matt. Just spit it out”

“Well . . . When we’re alone would you call me Matilda?” I said, very fast just to get it out.

“Oh Matt that’s a wonder . . . — oops sorry. Matilda's a wonderful name. Did you come up with it?”

“No, Mom did actually. She told me that if I had been born a girl, they'd have named me Matilda. Mom started calling me Matilda a couple of months ago and um . . . I really like it,” I said with a smile.

Rachael just smiled as she sat there thinking.

“Oh there is one more thing. Mom said that maybe in about six months I might be able to introduce Matilda to Karen and Chuck; and then even t - to D - D - Dad.” I was shaking again as I said that. Rachael knew I was scared of Dad, and why. She hugged me for a long time.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. “Matt, Rachael, dinner’s ready.” Mom called through the door.

“Mom, could you come in please?” Rachael said, as I was still shaking with fear from thinking about how Dad would react to all this.

Mom opened the door and came in. Seeing the condition I was in, she closed the door and came over to the bed. Rachael let go of me as mom put her arms around me.

“What happened to cause this?” she asked.

“Matilda was telling me that she would have to introduce herself to Dad. She fell apart after that,” explained Rachael.

“Oh Matilda its OK. You need to stop this now. Just put this business of your father out of your mind.” Mom was rocking me gently as she was talking. “Your father isn’t really as mean as you think he is.”

“B - But Mom, r - remember last fall when Chuck and I were playing ball in the back yard, when I hit the ball through the kitchen window? R - Remember how mad D - Dad was that day. He picked me up, carried me into my room and threw me onto my bed. Two of the boards that hold the springs broke that day,” I stammered, as I reminded her of that incident.

“Well, it just means that I have a lot of work to do to get him ready to accept this,” Mom said with a voice of confidence. "In the meantime you two better get washed up for dinner before your brother eats it all,” she chuckled.

The next few weeks were just great and went by real fast. I saw Jill every week, we talked a lot about me and how I feel, about lots of different things. She had me take several tests. I don't mind multiple-choice questions on tests, but I really hate essay questions. She even had me go to the hospital and have some blood taken for some tests there.

About two weeks before school was to start, I received an invitation to Mary Beth’s birthday party. Actually, Rachael received the invitation. It was going to be the Saturday just before school started. The invitation was actually addressed to Rachael and Matilda.

When Mom saw the invitation, she almost flipped. “I thought we were keeping Matilda a secret until Christmas?” Mom said excitedly, forgetting that Karen was in the room.

“Who’s Matilda?” Karen asked casually.

“Nobody special,” Mom said quickly “She’s just a friend of Matt’s”

“So why is she a secret?” Karen asked now that her curiosity was aroused.

“Never mind Karen. We’ll talk about her later,” Mom said, leaving the room.

“Boy, I just don’t know what’s going on around here any more. First Chuck gets that great big room in the basement. Then Matt starts seeing this mysterious doctor every week. Now he has some secret girl friend. I just don’t know what’s going on any more,” Karen was muttering to herself as Rachael and I left the family room.

Latter that evening mom ushered Rachael and I into my room and closed the door. “All right how did Mary Beth find out about Matilda?”

“Well,” Rachael started, “you know how much time Matilda and I have been spending together. We have also been spending a lot of time with Mary Beth and Kimmie. And umm well . . . it just sort of slipped out one day.”

“What slipped out, tell me everything.”

“About two weeks ago” I continued with the story, “Rachael and I were playing on the swings over at Liberty Park. Nobody else was around and so Rachael was calling me Matilda just as she always does. Then Mary Beth came into the park and started swinging too. Well, Rachael asked me a question, only she forgot to switch back. She called me Matilda in front of Mary Beth. Of course, Mary Beth wanted to know why Rachael had called me Matilda. By then some others kids were playing on the swings as well, so we went to another part of the park where we could talk privately.”

“It was my fault,” Rachael jumped in. “Before Matilda could stop me I kind of, well, told Mary Beth everything.”

“At first, Mary Beth thought that Rachael was just joking with her,” I said. “Then she looked over at me and saw that I was blushing and looked really embarrassed. Then she looked back at Rachael and saw that she was serious. Then she looked back at me. I was looking at the ground by then and almost in tears. She took one of my hands into hers and gently used her other hand to lift my chin, so she could look into my eyes. She spoke so softly, just like you do Mom when I'm about to cry. She said that she always knew there was something special about me. From that first day in Kindergarten, anytime that we were together she could feel that I was different somehow. She’d just never figured out what it was. She said that she could sense that I wasn't quite what I appeared to be, and she just knew that I needed more love than most other people did. Then she gave me a hug. She giggled when she asked what I was wearing under my shirt and pants. I pulled out my shirttail and showered her the purple vest I was wearing. She asked if I was wearing matching panties and I shyly nodded. Mary Beth has been calling me Matilda ever since.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear you didn’t take your pants off in the park.” Mom said jokingly. “I'm very surprised by this whole story. I’m also very disappointed that you two didn’t come to me and tell me about it when it happened. You know we have to be very careful about who we let in on our secret. Right now, I think there’s only four on the list of people who know about Matilda. That's you Rachael and me of course, there’s Jill, and now Mary Beth. Are there any others that I don’t know about?”

We both shook our heads.

“Well, what about this birthday party invitation? Is it in Mary Beth’s hand writing?” Mom asked.

“I hadn’t thought about that.” I said as I got the invitation out of my drawer and looked at it again. “Umm, no, Mom that isn’t Mary Beth’s hand writing. I guess it is probably her mother's,” I said, looking and sounding a little scared.

“Ok, you two relax. I’m going to give Jean Phelps a call and try to find out how much she knows without giving anything else away. Then I’m going to give Jill a call and see what she says about all of this. Why don’t you two get ready for bed and I’ll let you know what I find out?” With that, Mom took the invitation and left.

“Do you think Mary Beth told her mom everything?” Rachael asked.

“I don’t know. We did tell her not to tell anybody else, didn’t we?” I asked in return.

Neither one of us could remember what we’d told Mary Beth about keeping it to herself.

“Well I better go to my room and get ready for bed. You need to change and go take your shower,” Rachael said as she got up and left.

I just sat there for a long, long, time thinking, wondering if anybody else knew about Matilda. It didn’t bother me to be Matilda, because that's who I am. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to tell the rest of the people in my world about me. I knew that Chuck would probably laugh his head off before he told all of his friends. They would make my life miserable after they found out. I couldn’t help it as I started to cry. Lightly at first, but the more I thought about what would happen as other people found out, the worse it got. Finally, I just fell over on my bed and hugged my pillow as I sobbed. Rachael must have knocked on my door, but I didn’t hear it. A little later, both she and Mom came back in. I don’t know what I would have done if my mother weren’t so kind and understanding. After all, she seemed to know me better than I knew myself. She almost knew when I was going to be sad and cry, before I did. I was beginning to think that she was psychic, or maybe "The Good Witch from the North."

Mom held me until I stopped crying. I was so drained that she helped me get ready for bed. Well actually she got me ready for bed, I just sat on the edge of my bed in a daze as she took off my clothes and put a nightgown on me, then tucked me into bed.

The next day after Chuck and Karen had left to play with friends and Dad was at work, Mom filled us in on what she had found out.

“Well you two are really lucky. According to Jean Phelps, Mary Beth’s mother, she was just writing out the invitations and putting the names on the cards just as Mary Beth gave her. When she asked Mary Beth who Matilda was, she just said that she was a dear friend that was new to the area. She said that Mary Beth didn't know how to get in touch with her but that Rachael did. So Jean said that was fine, and put both names on the one invitation,” Mom told us.

“Then I called Jill to see what she thought of the idea of Matilda going to a girl’s birthday party. She thought for a while before giving me an answer, but she thinks it might be good for Matilda to go. So far, you haven’t done anymore than wearing girl's underwear, pretending to be a girl. Jill thinks that this will be a good experience to see if you’re willing to go all the way and be a girl. It would only be for a few hours, but she thinks the experience will be good for you, assuming that the environment can be controlled.”

“What do you mean by the environment being controlled?” I asked as I was starting to get nervous again.

“Well, it means that we would have to know where the party will be, what activities are planned, who else will be there and can we control the situation if something goes wrong,” Mom explained. “So after I talked with Jill, I called Jean back to get a little more information. The party is planned to be in there home. There will be eight girls besides the two of you. They are planning a Ping-Pong tournament and some other indoor games. There will of course be balloons, cake and ice cream. It sounded like we would be able to keep things low key, so I told Jean that you’d both be going.” Mom said with a smile. "I also volunteered to help out, just to help keep things under control. Jean said that would be great and she would appreciate the help, so I'll be there to keep an eye on both of you."

“But Mom, I can’t go to a girls’ birthday party I don’t look like a girl. What will happen when all the other girls see me in a dress, with you, Rachael and Mary Beth calling me Matilda?” I was starting to shake and my eyes were starting to fill with tears again. I really wanted to go but couldn't see any possible way.

“Now Matilda, you stop this right now,” Mom said sternly, as she put her arms around me. “You knew that this day was going to come sooner or later. You knew that for you to discover your inner feelings you’re going to have to dress completely as a girl and be seen in public.”

I just nodded. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth I’d start crying.

“All right then. We’ve two weeks to turn you into a girl. Rachael will help you and I'll be here to teach you everything that you need to know on how to be a girl. Everyday, for the next two weeks you’ll dress as a girl and we’ll get you a wig so you’ll have long hair like a girl. Jill also told me about some other people that we can call on if we need help. Well Matilda, the question is up to you now. Do you honestly see yourself as a girl? That is, in your mind and in your heart are you really a girl, or are you just a boy pretending to be a girl for fun?” With that, Mom let go of me. She stepped back and she pulled Rachael back as well. They left me standing alone on my own to deal with my thoughts and feelings. They just stood there not saying a word, just looking at me.

It was hours that we stood there, looking at each other, while I was searching my feelings. Actually, it was probably only a few minutes, but it seemed like hours.

Finally, I looked into Rachael’s eyes and started a little smile. Then I looked up into Mom’s eyes and my smile got bigger.

“I'm Matilda!” I proclaimed. “I know it in my heart and in my soul. I don’t like how I feel when I have to pretend to be Matt. I’m Matilda, that’s who I am and who I want to be!”

Both Mom and Rachael rushed over to me and hugged me.

“You’re sure about this?” Mom asked. “This decision will be final. After this, we’ll turn you into a girl. I just want you to be sure that this is what you want.”

“Absolutely!” I said, as I hugged my mother and sister.

“Okay, you two go get dressed to go out. We’ll stop and see Jill for some information. Then we'll be getting everything we’ll need to turn you into a full-time girl,” Mom said as she let go of Rachael and I. Then she was off to call Jill and tell her my decision and that we were on our way to see her.

Rachael was still hugging me, as Mom left. “Oh, Matilda, it was so hard to stay with Mom, leaving you standing there alone. It seemed like hours before you knew what you wanted.”

“Well actually, I’ve known for some time that I want to be Matilda. I just didn’t know if I was ready to stop being Matt any more.”

“Well anyway, I’m really going to love having a big sister around.”

“What about Karen? She’s really your big sister.”

“Well, she is my older sister, but she acts like a tomboy so much, it’s almost like having another big brother. I mean she won’t wear anything that would make her look like a girl. I’m not sure, but I think that in Heaven when they were assigning bodies, you and Karen got swapped.” Rachael said quietly, with an evil little grin and giggle.

“Oh Mom, are we still going to wait until Christmas to tell Dad about this?” I asked as we pulled out of the driveway. I was starting to get nervous again.

“Oh yes, I almost forgot about your father. I haven’t had the time to prepare him for this change. Ok you will only be a daytime girl until I can talk to your father. This will complicate things a bit, but we’ll manage somehow.” She said.

When we got to Jill’s office, Mom left us in the car, as she was just getting some information. Then we were off to see a friend of Jill’s, someone Mom said, that could help me.

* * * To Be Continued * * *

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