I come from Ashford. A small rural town that seemed to have resisted much of the thrust of the modern world. It nestles softly on the southern slopes of the Deen Valley through which the river meanders its way, sliding close to Ashford on its way to the east coast. Ashford has its assemblage of houses, a few shops and Business premises along the High Street. There's a school, a pub, a garage, Maxine's restaurant and a church which stands as a beacon in the cobbled square. The church is a wonderful old building, hewed from soft grey limestone. The spire rises into the sky for almost a hundred and sixty feet. The churchyard is edged with a circle of ancient horse chestnuts.

At birth I was given the name Alexander Middleton. Family legend has it that my mother named me after the heroic conqueror of the ancient world; if she had known what would become of me, she might have chosen more appropriately. As I write this I am already within sight of the age at which Alexander died and, despite my best efforts, I have yet to conquer my first country; my empire remains stubbornly unfounded.

I have no memory of my absent father and very little memory of my mother; what I do have is mostly lifted from my grandparent's reminiscences. I might still have a vague impression of the softness of her touch or the drift of her perfume. I never really knew my mother but I miss her still.

When I was just an infant my mother abandoned me to the care of her parents and went away with some 'handsome' man that I never knew and have no wish to know. My grandparents, Mary and Tom, raised me with love and kindness and that is all they could do, all they needed to do.

I met Natalie Fox when we started school. We were children of the same town, the same age and played together through our younger years. Even then she was the leader and I the follower. There was a break in our friendship for a few years. Nothing really precipitated this, we just grew apart during our pre adolescent years as children of that age tend to feather together by gender. In our teens, we collided again and discovered a different relationship. One filled with a promise of a future together and the hint of romantic tension.

Nature inevitably took its course and despite the unfamiliar shyness that now hung between us, our relationship grew. By the time we were sixteen we could usually be found together engaged in the nonsense that teenagers do. Neither of us had much romantic experience and we found comfort in our shared naivete. At sixteen Natalie was taller than I and seemed to have matured more rapidly.

By eighteen I had undergone a modest growth spurt and my height was now a match for Natalie's. My grandfather, who was quite taken by Natalie's charms, would often greet us with a humorous:

"Here come the twins."

In fact we did somehow manage to look quite similar. I was a little underweight for a boy, tipping the scales within the same envelope as Natalie. You will understand from this that I was by no means a 'hunk', not physically, not emotionally. My grandfather told me that I had an 'athletic' frame which an unbiased observer might translate more accurately as 'weedy'. With the advantage of hindsight, I think I was one of those boys with low testosterone levels which might explain why puberty slid by me with little more than a nodding acquaintance, a passing brush on the shoulder.

Most people thought that we made a nice couple. I felt that I was in love with Natalie and could easily imagine spending the rest of my life with her. I think Natalie, in her own way, loved me too.

The years slid by, we both did moderately well at school and we went to the same college. I took journalism and business studies while Natalie was deeply absorbed into textile art and fashion design. Before our studies were completed, Natalie had already started a small business. Encouraged by Susan, her divorced mother, she established her own fashion label. Working from her mother's spare room she started to design and make women's fashion clothing. Initially this was on a very small scale but was driven by Natalie's unbounded ambition. Slowly Natalie began to gain modest sales of her exclusive creations through several shops in Ashford and as far away as Greenbank. She quickly gained a reputation for her elegant designs and the undoubted quality of her work.

Still undergraduates and not yet twenty we fell into marriage. It had been Natalie's suggestion, maybe as an affront to her mother who was determinedly against the idea. Susan protested that we were far too young. Her description of me as a prospective husband for her daughter may have included terms like 'wussy'. I suspect that Susan, despite my heroic name, thought me an inadequate catch for her daughter… Susan had an appetite for macho men, so I was never going to satisfy her expectations. In the end we convinced her of our love and married with her modestly disgruntled blessing.

My grandparents, who loved Natalie almost as much as I did, were always fully supportive of our decision. As a temporary measure we made a little love nest in the two rickety rooms of my grandparents' attic and were happy there for most of the first year after we were married. The summer of our marriage was very hot and I remember the thick, dry, heat stifling under the little roof. The scent of mown hay from the farmand and the view from the little diamond patterned attic window across the garden path to the mass of azalea flowers.

After graduation I found a job as a junior journalist on the Ashford Argosy, our local newspaper. It paid poorly and the print media was already in decline but I saw it as the first step on, what I hoped to be, the inevitable ascent of a career ladder. Natalie's business was growing and our combined income eventually allowed us to fund a mortgage on an old farm cottage on the outskirts of the town. The cottage had two small outbuildings dating from its farming origins and Natalie soon commandeered the outbuildings as her own and put them to use as a design studio and workshop for 'Kitty's Whiskers' the name she had chosen for her modestly expanding fashion label.

The following year was full of turmoil. Sadly my grandmother died in the early spring. It was recorded as pneumonia, but really it was just old age. This left my grandfather alone in his suddenly big and empty house. We suggested he should sell and move into a retirement village or even move in with us. We had a small spare room which could be made comfortable for him but grandpa Tom was a stubborn old chap and refused to leave the home he had shared with his beloved Mary for over 40 years. It was sad to watch his health decline over the following months but he would still not be swayed.

'Kitty's Whiskers' was still far too small to justify employing staff so Natalie worked alone and I was conscripted as her unpaid assistant. I helped, as far as I was able; notably with the delivery of Natalie's finished garments and keeping the workshop and studio clean. I would make deliveries into Ashford and beyond in our ancient Morris van which Susan had gifted us. It was a parting gift as she was whisked off to Australia on the arm of an admirer from Brisbane.

The Ashford Garage kept the Morris going despite its age. Though not an archeologist and my opinion on the matter may be suspect, I held the view that the old Morris may once have been found chugging round the ancient mesozoic tundra… well maybe not. In those early days of our marriage, I was content with my busy life. The future seemed to be seasoned with sunlit brightness.

It is very hard to say exactly what happened to us that summer, to express in terms that do not seem unbelievable. It was a Friday evening when I parked my Mini under the shade of the sycamore that grew along the side of our cottage. Our small garden was flushed with summer flowers, their scent heady, as I walked down to Natalie's workshop to join her in the studio. I carried a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses.

Natalie was working on her latest creation: a clinging and quite revealing evening dress and as Natalie hung it on her mannequin, she announced that she was not quite satisfied with how it looked.

"Well, I think it looks fantastic." I said as I rippled my fingers across the folds of satin.

"Mm. maybe."

"Wine?"

"Oh yes, pour one for me sweetheart… I had this idea for an evening dress… something a bit flirty but still, you know, elegant. I sketched it on paper and caught the idea perfectly but now that it's made in the flesh and hanging on the mannequin, I can see that something's not quite right."

I handed Natalie her glass of wine and she suddenly kissed me, lightly, with an almost shy sisterly brush of her lips.

"It really looks fine to me." I said.

"That darling, is why you're the journalist and I'm the designer. What I need is to see it on a living model, see how the dress moves."

She lifted her eyes to me over the rim of her glass fluttering her lashes as she sipped her wine.

"So Alex sweetheart… Why not try it on for me?…" she said. Her voice was soft and whispery as if this might be a secret that could not be given full voice to.

"You really want me to model a women's dress?"

"Alex, we both know that under your business suit, you're deeply in touch with your inner girl. Come on sweetheart… Do it for me. You said you thought it looked fantastic. I made it in your size especially… Please, please."

There was some truth in Natalie's assertion though I might have expressed it differently. I was probably more aware of my feminine side than the average man. It was just part of my nature that I usually kept subdued and tended to ignore. Natalie had always been aware of that side of me. It went back to when we were children and played dress-up together.

Natalie's voice held a wonderful feeling of sweetness, lovely and tender and almost naive, in the way she asked me. To be honest the idea of wearing the dress gave me a little illicit thrill so I found myself becoming compliant.

"OK if you really need me to." I said.

"I really do sweetheart, I’m sure the dress will fit you like a glove."

"Do you think I have the curves for a dress like that?"

"Maybe not yet, we can work on that… I've got a few things for you."

"So you've been planning this for a while?"

"Maybe… Look Alex, I need a pretty model and you come pretty cheap."

"Define pretty 'cheap'.

"Well you're pretty and you won't charge me for your services." She said in that soft seductive whisper."

So, with a modest level of apprehension, I started down the rabbit hole that was destined to define both our futures.
 
 

 
So going along with Natalie's plan. I allowed her to dress me in her latest creation.

"You'll need to wear a padded bra to fill out the dress."

Once she'd harnessed me into one of her sports bras, Natalie stuffed the cups with tissues until she had approximated the shape she needed. My boy parts were tucked between my legs and held in place with an improvised contrivance of surgical tape and sanitary pads. A pair of control panties over the top gave me an acceptably smooth front. Then came the dress.

"Now, be careful not to over tension the seams; the dress is only tacked together at the moment… I don't want you bursting out of it."

I struggled into the folds of fabric and Natalie smoothed everything down, adjusting my bra and the hang of the satin until it was to her satisfaction..

"It looks nice on you sweetheart. You know you've got the most unbelievably blue eyes, haven't you?" Then she kissed my cheek and stood back to get a better look at her creation.

"That's perfect… just give me a twirl…"

Feeling awkward and self conscious I gave a ballerina's pirouette, making Natalie's dress fly in a whirl.

"That's good, I'm starting to see what's wrong… hold on."

Natalie started pinning up sections of the satin fabric until she was satisfied and stood back again.

"OK now walk towards me… sway your hips. Good that's better… but… I know what's missing, you need heels."

Natalie quickly ran to the cottage and returned clutching a pair of her stilettos. Just slip these on for a moment. I'll show you how to walk properly in them later."

The shoes were a little tight on my feet but the arch they gave to my pelvis seemed to be exactly what Natalie wanted.

"Another twirl sweetheart…. Good… OK a quick tuck here…" She wielded more pins pulling the dress tighter around my waist.

"Just walk towards me for a few paces."

I made my best effort but my progress was wobbly.

"Don't worry, you'll soon get used to walking in heels… Now walk towards me and sway your hips like you've seen the catwalk girls do… Oh good, that's perfect. You make such a gorgeous girl" She laughed.

With the dress now adjusted to Natalie's satisfaction it was carefully removed and I put my own clothes on again. Natalie no longer needed me so made my way back to the cottage while Natalie resumed her position at her work bench.

"Why not keep the heels on while you make dinner?" Natalie called after me. "It'll be good practice for you."

"Really?"

"Oh come on sweetheart, it's time for you to admit that you love all this. Remember playing dress-up when we were kids… you always chose my mother's prettiest things to wear… until that time she caught you."

I remembered the horror of the moment, I must have been eight or nine… Susan was not impressed to see a little boy prancing around the house in one of her dresses. Maybe that moment was when her opinion of me was crystalised. I felt a blush run up into my cheeks at the almost forgotten memory

So I took Natalie's advice and carefully picked my way back to the cottage. My hips seemed to swing in time to the clack of Natalie's stilettos. It was an oddly sensuous feeling. Back in the kitchen, I started preparing a tuna salad using the first pick of garden tomatoes. It took twenty minutes to prepare the meal but Natalie was so engrossed in her work that I had to call her to come in.

"The salad's getting cold." I called out to her from the back door of our cottage.

"I like my salad cold." She called back.

When Natalie came in she studied my appearance as I adopted a coquettish stance by the worktop. I stood adorned in my suit trousers, white shirt… and bright red stilettos.

"The heels look good on you… even better if you were in a skirt."

"You think so?"

"Maybe we'll try it some time." She said with a playful laugh.

We drank more wine with our dinner. Natalie took a mouthful of salad.

"Mm this is good… what's the dressing?"

"A white wine vinaigrette… Just something I gathered on my latest expedition to the southern slopes of the Ashford Supermarket."

She fell to laughter at my silliness. I loved to make her laugh.

"So Alex, how was your day?"

"Yes… Good, got a scoop on an internet scam being run from a property in Greenbank."

"Oh, well done."

"Thanks, there might be some arrests."

"Wow."

"Yes Wow… After that I got hijacked into a spot of crossdressing."

"Mm so you did, and how did that go for you?"

"It was OK."

"Better than OK I'd say. Following your stellar performance this evening, I'm going to make you my full time glamour model… So, are you up for a photoshoot when the dress is finished?"

My heart fluttered and I took a mouthful of wine. I felt it run down my throat, warming and drawing courage into my heart.

"I think I could do that…" I said, "So you've not finished the dress yet?"

"Ah no, it'll need a few more hours work yet. I need to finish unpicking the tack stitches so that I can make a pattern first. The idea is to make patterns in various sizes so that I can quickly make to order… assuming I get orders. I can sew the dress up properly when I've done that."

"OK."

"It made all the difference seeing how the dress looks and moves on a pretty model. Maybe, if I start making real money, I'll be able to afford hiring a professional… if I ever need one. It all depends on how well you perform in the role."

"You know I'm a hundred percent behind you. I'll try my best to help you in any way I can to promote Kitty's Whiskers."

"I know you will sweetheart… You showed me today that you absolutely have the potential to model my clothes. With a little guidance from me we'll make you into a gorgeous female model."

I wondered what on Earth I was letting myself in for.

"You'll love it darling, trust me. After all, we are living in the 21st century. These days some of the most famous fashion houses in the world use pretty boys to model both male and female clothes on the catwalk. Can you imagine all the men drooling over your sexy curves and long stockinged legs."

I sort of could but this talk was starting to push me well out of my comfort zone.

"I'm trying to think of an argument against your preposterous suggestion."

"But you can't."

"Not really."

"It's what we both want darling, just go with the flow."

Not that I would readily admit the fact, but I had found modelling Natalie's dress to be quite an exciting experience, maybe something beyond just fun… There was an undoubted thrill in seeing myself in Natalie's dress. It was a thrill that I doubted most men would feel.

"So what's this modelling job going to pay?"

"All the sexy lingerie you can eat." Natalie laughed.

"Sounds fair."

The weekend passed without Natalie troubling me again; not in the modelling sense in any case, I was kept busy with routine housework while Natalie sweated over her creation.

Monday was, well, just another Monday… Passing in as mundane a fashion as work weeks do. Natalie had been busy making her patterns and finishing the dress. There had been no further mention of my new job as her 'supermodel'. Not until I got home on the following Friday evening.

Natalie was clearly excited by something as she took my hand and led me into the workshop. Finally, the dress I had modelled was on a hanger, labelled and pressed, it looked like something you might see on the King's Road.

"It was designed with a young flirty woman in mind… A dress for a special event or a party. "

"Wow, this has to be your best creation yet."

"Thank you so much. Now, I'd like you to try it on once more so that I can take some promotional photos."

"OK. I can do that I guess."

Natalie was clearly becoming excited.

"OK this time you're not just modelling the dress so I can see how it hangs. This time sweetheart I need you to use your feminine allure to actually sell the dress. I want prospective customers to see you and imagine themselves being as beautiful as you if only they could wear it too."

"I understand what you mean but that sounds like an incredibly tall order… you think I have what it takes?"

"With a little feminising and camera magic, you'll be perfect… I got a few things for you."

"What sort of things?"

"You'll see…" Natalie smiled one of her most potent smiles and my nervous inhibitions melted… What could possibly go wrong?

What she gave me was a tight fitting corset which pinched in my waist and gave me much more feminine looking hips.

"I got you a couple of padded bras and some underwear, your own stockings in various shades and a couple of pairs of shoes that should fit you better than my stilettos, one with a modest heel and a pair of divine tall stilettos."

"Wow… all this is really necessary?"

"Remember you're selling the dress darling. We're creating an illusion, showing a glimpse of the gorgeous girl that's hiding inside of you. I want to make a statement… Buy this dress and you too could look as gorgeous as this."

"That might make sense if I really was a gorgeous girl."

"Trust me on this, you have no idea how stunning you'll look."

"I don't remember anything about needing to be an actual gorgeous girl in my employment contract."

"It's there on page three…"

"Page three, you say… I'll have to check my copy… Oh yes that's right we have no contract."

"So sue me."

I shrugged.

"When do you intend doing all this to me?"

"I thought we could go out for dinner tonight, my treat. And we can do the 'Photoshoot' tomorrow morning."

"That'll be something nice to look forward to." I said, the trace of irony in my words hiding the excitement that I was feeling. Natalie took my arm and, even if I had wanted a way out, there seemed no escape.

 
Dinner was lovely, we took a taxi into Ashford threading through the winding lanes under a purple twilight until we came to the lights of our home town.
Maxine's frontage was garlanded with coloured lights giving the restaurant a festive air. We ate Fettuccine and drank Australian red wine, seated on an outdoor table in the warmth of a summer night until the full moon rose high in the sky.

On the way back we got the taxi to drop us off half a mile from home and we strolled the rest of the way home arm in arm under a velvet sky pearled with bright stars. It was one of those magic evenings that stay etched on your memory. That night I lay awake for a long time looking into the sky bright with stars, the air hung with the scents of new mown hay and the sweetness of the last of the fading oak-copse bluebells.

The next morning Natalie asked me to take an extra close shave in preparation for what lay in store. Her words were spoken in that soft yet demanding way she had.

"I need you to be smooth and sensuous… do your legs so that the stockings will slide on easily… There's moisturiser in the cabinet."

The fact is that I was not the hairiest of apes and barely needed to shave even on alternate days. To please Natalie, I made sure that my cheeks were as smooth as Natalie's. I had never shaved my legs before; there had been no need. The hair was fine, hardly noticeable and disappeared with a few strokes of the razor. I even did my armpits on a whim. I had nothing that might be called chest hair but ran the razor over the mostly smooth skin. All that was left was my pubic area and I could see no good reason not to take care of that as well. It felt a little strange but nicely sensuous to be hairless. The moisturiser had a faintly perfumed smell and left my slender legs feeling quite soft; no way would I admit to them looking sexy… but yes sexy.

We took a leisurely breakfast of scrambled eggs and fried tomatoes. Natalie kept looking up at me from her plate, I imagine she was assessing my mood in anticipation of the game we were about to play. I deliberately showed no emotion.

"So are you ready to be transformed into a girl… That red dress is waiting eagerly to wrap her folds around you."

"Better not keep her waiting then." I said as my pulse quickened.

It was still early, the morning was bright and clear but the air still carried a memory of the chilly dawn. Natalie flicked on the bank of electric heaters that hung on her workshop wall. For some reason I was feeling a little shivery and I stood close to the heaters and let the radiated heat warm me.

"Now, where to start…" Natalie said. But I suspect she had all this worked out long ago. "Just slip into the corset for me." She held it out and my first reaction was that I would never squeeze myself into such a garment of torture. Natalie noticed my reticence as I spoke.

"It's way too small." I said.

"The size is perfect darling, you already have an adorably petite frame. This is just going to give you some hour-glass curves."

So there disappeared the last of my male ego, curling away like smoke from a pinched candle. I struggled into the constraint of the satin assassin and Natalie tucked away my boy parts and pulled at the laces, with what seemed unnecessary pleasure until she was satisfied with my pinched waist. When the fitting was finished I could certainly feel the pressure but it was not too uncomfortable. In fact, I could still almost breathe. As well as the tiny waist, the corset had pulled the flesh of my chest together making what might appear to be a faux cleavage.

"How am I supposed to pee in this?" I said in a sudden panic.

"The underneath support panel is held with velcro, just pull it free. You'll have to sit; but then all ladies have to."

"I get the feeling that this corset was not intended for women."

"Well no, I bought it online. It's designed to give a more feminine shape to a male body; you know, crossdressers and so on."

"Mm."

"Are you OK darling?"

"I guess so, as long as I don't have to stay like this for long."

"You'll get used to it; in time you'll probably begin to enjoy the feeling. As soon as I can see how the dress looks I'll take a bunch of photos and you can change back… You understand why I need my model to look totally feminine?"

"Of course but I keep thinking I'm nowhere near pretty enough for this."

"I don't know anyone as pretty as you… Lexi."

It was the first time that she had called me 'Lexi'… a feminised version of Alex, I imagined. For what we were doing it seemed rather appropriate."

"Now I've got some nice bouncy silicon breasts to fill your bra, here… better than tissues don't you think?"

"I suppose so."

With the bra on and the modest cleavage provided by the corset, a glance in the full length mirror revealed that I did look very feminine; excitingly so… There was definitely a little thrill of pleasure running through my body as my eyes traced across my new shape."

"OK before I get you to put on the dress, I'd better do your makeup."

"OK"

"No girl would wear a dress like this without full makeup."

It took Natalie twenty creative minutes to give me the look she wanted; foundation, concealer, blusher, mascara, eye liner, lipstick.

Natalie stood back when she had finished.

"Oh my god Lexi, you look so gorgeous as a woman… Your eyebrows are still a little full. I'll thin and shape them later but for now, you can wear my girly sunglasses. You know those cute oversize ones I bought on our last holiday. They might even make you look even flirtier."

"Oh, I love those sunglasses." I said.

"You need these black stockings then the dress and then I'll have to do something with your hair. She pulled the tie from my guy-style ponytail and let my almost blond hair fall free.

"It's a little short but I can curl and style it into something that will be perfect for now. I'll need you to grow it out and you'll need to start conditioning it… It might look better if you go full blond… Would you like that?"

"I get the feeling that you want me to turn into a woman."

"Now there's an idea Lexi… I'll check the contract to see if there's a relevant clause… Oh I almost forgot, I've got you some stick on finger nails just to make your hands look more elegant. I've got some clip-on ear-rings too. I'll take you to get your ears pierced when I have a minute. As a finishing touch you can wear my pearls across that lovely cleavage of yours then we'll be all done."

With the dress on and wearing stilettos, I was even more impressed by what I saw in the mirror. If there was any embarrassment, it was swallowed by a wave of trembling excitement.

"OK, do the catwalk thing… swing those hips darling, good girl now a twirl for me. That's great. The dress looks fantastic, just as I imagined it. Thank you so much for doing this Lexi, honestly you look so stunning as a woman."

Natalie took her rather expensive digital SLR camera and spent the next twenty minutes taking a huge number of photographs as I posed and smiled and pouted as requested. Then suddenly it was all over.

"That was wonderful, good girl. It seems almost a shame to undress you but I don't want to get the dress crushed."

"No… of course."

Once free of the dress I quickly changed out of the rest of my 'get-up', washed my face, tied my hair back and dressed in a T shirt and jeans. It felt like something of an anticlimax. Somehow the dressing up had seemed to be leading me down an exciting street that had suddenly turned into a cul-de-sac. I sort of missed the glamour, the rush of being 'Lexi' as Natalie was calling the woman she had created.

The photographs were really professional looking. No one could have guessed that the model was Natalie's husband. They proved to be a huge marketing success and Natalie made some substantial sales of the dress. Over the next few weeks, despite being busy with the manufacturing side of her business, Natalie had already started on another design. One evening when I came home from work, she dragged me into her studio and showed me the sketches she had made of a new creation.

The new dress, at least on paper, was very elegant. Less obviously flirty than the one I had previously modelled. It was aimed at a more sophisticated clientele, the sketch showed a dress that screamed 'refinement'. Tight at the waist with a full skirt, very elegant, it still managed to be more than sexy.

"Wow!"

"You like it sweetheart?"

"It's absolutely divine, how do you manage to keep coming up with these designs?"

"It's not difficult; I just try to imagine what my pretty Lexi would want to wear and… Voila!"

I laughed and kissed Natalie's cheek but I could not help wondering how I might look dressed in this latest creation.

"Just be patient Lexi, you'll get your chance to model it for me when I make the mock-up?"

"I can't wait." I said, suddenly finding myself wanting to spend time as Lexi again.

It took another week before Natalie had selected the fabric and cut out and tacked together the new dress. After I came home from work one evening, she took my hand and led me into her workshop to show me what she had created. Natalie told me that the dress was made from black chiffon with a tiered construction. It was sleeveless with a low cut back and a modest neckline. The hem was just above the knee with the skirt flaring from a tight belted waist.

I felt excited at the thought of the dress hanging from my frame. I watched the light reflecting from the folds of fabric as it hung loose on Natalie's mannequin.

"It looks so feminine; I suppose you want to see it on me." I said as if modelling the dress was just a tedious duty that I had been unwillingly manipulated into.

"If you would sweetheart, I need to see it animated, watch how the skirt flows; there's no need to dress up properly, just put on the corset and bra and slip into your stilettos."

"When do you need me to do this?"

"Oh… Now would be good."

"OK." I said, trying hard to hide the flutter of excitement that was running across my body leaving it tense and tingling.

I was slowly getting accustomed to wearing my body shaping corset and Natalie had trained me to walk effortlessly in tall heels so I felt reasonably at ease as I presented myself for Natalie's approval. This was just a try-on so that Natalie could make any final adjustments. No makeup or accessories needed but even so, caught up in the moment, without any prompting from Natalie I put on a smear of lipstick and twisted up my hair into a feminine bun held it in place with the lovely tortoise shell hair clip that Natalie had unexpectedly bought for me.

"Wow look at you Lexi. I swear every time you dress for me you look prettier and prettier. I get the feeling that you're really getting into the spirit of this."

I felt my cheeks flush; guilt, embarrassment, excitement… I was not sure which. Maybe a little of all three.

"I'm just doing this for you and the success of 'Kitty's Whiskers'." I said.

"Of course you are… and you are such a good girl to be helping me."

"Thankyou Miss." I said and gave a slight, self mocking, curtsey.

"Love your hair like that, by the way. That clip is so pretty " She leaned into me and pressed her lips against my cheek before tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "OK, just slide carefully into the dress then pop the heels on again."

After watching me walk and do a couple of twirls, Natalie made some minor adjustments to her creation, adding pins to pinch in the waist and accentuate the skirt's flair.

"That's perfect sweetheart… It looks lovely."

Natalie took my hands and swung me round and round in a twirl, making the dress lift and float in soft layers of fabric. We both broke into laughter. The situation we had found ourselves in seemed so absurd and yet somehow so natural.

"OK you better take it off now, before we ruin it... I had this dress pretty much right from the drawing board. I'm hopeful that it will be even more popular than the last one."

"I really hope so; you deserve so much success from all the work you put in."

"Thank you darling, that's very sweet. So in a couple of days you'll have to do another photo shoot, is that OK for you?"

"That's not a problem."

Natalie smiled.

"I can see that you enjoy dressing for me… I think, maybe, it's time for you to embrace your femininity a little more."

"In what way?"

"Well.. was it you who suggested we should get your ears pierced?... In any case we've left that for too long. This new dress just demands long dangly earrings. Then I want to accentuate your lovely blue eyes by shaping your eyebrows a little."

"I understand what you need from your model, but I still need to show up for work looking like a man."

"I know that darling. Look, lots of men wear ear studs these days and I'm not talking about giving you ultra thin brows, they're not fashionable anyway these days. I just mean a little subtle reshaping. You have such a naturally feminine face anyway; it won't take much to turn you into an even more gorgeous girl."

"Mm that's what every man longs to hear."

Natalie laughed and took my arm.
  

 
On Thursday evening, we went to get my ears pierced; it was far less harrowing than I imagined. Hardly any blood; just a small transfusion needed which came from the pub suspiciously in a form resembling gin and tonic. Do blood transfusions usually come with ice and a slice of lemon?… It's not really my area of expertease.

By Saturday morning, the dress was finally finished and the day of the second photoshoot had finally arrived. I bathed long and slow using Natalie's scented bubble bath and did my daily routine of removing all traces of unwanted hair. Natalie took me into her studio and started work on me. Knowing what to expect, I was far more at ease this time and embraced my role without my earlier reticence and welcomed the little tremors of excitement which took hold of me.

As threatened Natalie shaped and thinned my eyebrows. The result was fine for a female model, but slightly pushed the envelope for someone still pretending to be a man. Natalie did my makeup, giving me false lashes and dark smoky eyes. I wore crushed plum lipstick with my false nails varnished to match.

It all seemed like a lot of work for half an hour of photographs but I really looked the part when I was finally in the dress. The long earrings sparkled quite erotically as they swung with each turn of my head. Natalie had hung a matching necklace around my neck which fell softly against my 'cleavage'. We had briefly argued about my hair. Since I had been routinely using the lightening products and conditioner that Natalie had bought for me, I felt it was a shame not to use the curling wand and show my hair off in some lovely wavy curls. Natalie had other ideas:

"We can do that next time Lexi, for this dress, I want an ultra sophisticated look so I want your hair up. It'll also show off those lovely earrings."

I could hardly disagree, this was all for Natalie's business so the final decision obviously was hers.

I have to admit that Natalie was a natural artist, not only had she designed a stunning dress but her photographic skills were fully up to the highest professional standard. I looked at the images displayed on her computer screen and could not believe that the woman in the amazing dress was actually me.

"You did really well today Lexi, It's obvious that you've been studying modelling poses over the past few days… You can't know darling how happy it makes me to feel that you're a hundred percent behind my 'Kitty's Whiskers' project.

"I'm fully supportive of you Natalie… You're going to make huge sales of this dress. You remember how impressed I was when you took me up to London to see the Bucella collection, well none of the garments could compare with what you have created here."

"You're so kind Lexi… now stop all this flattery or you'll make me cry… but I can dream with you at my side; maybe one day 'Kitty's Whiskers' will be as famous as Malissa Bucella and all the other international fashion houses."

"If there's any justice you will be."

Natalie smiled. She looked at me with a clear expression of calm affection as if she fully understood all the implications of what she was doing to me.

"Lexi, it seems a shame to strip off all your glamour, let's go back to the cottage and I'll make lunch, we can have a glass of wine and spend a little time as two girls together."

Her words were seductive, entrancing, but I got the feeling that she was leading me deeper into her labyrinth. A labyrinth that I could not yet fathom but in which I was already lost.

"I would love that." I said and it was the truth.

Natalie took me by the hand and led me back to the cottage.

"Now promise me Lexi not to spill anything on the dress, or all your privileges will be revoked."

I raised my hands in submission and we shared a smile.

Lunch was nothing special, supermarket pizza with a little salad enhanced with a nice glass of wine. I really had fun as we got into a little role play with Natalie treating me as a sister. We chatted about fashion trends and the soap opera we had watched during the week. With Natalie treating me as a sister there was no husband in sight.

I found something comforting in the way that Natalie started to break me out of my shell of shyness at being dressed as a woman. She tempted me with her sense of humour.

"Want to hear a silly joke?..."

"OK, hit me."

"So an imam, a priest and a rabbit walked into a bar… and the rabbit said… I'm sorry but I think I must be a misprint."

We both broke into uncontrolled giggling. When the moment had passed, Natalie kissed my cheek. I felt that it was the kiss of a sister, not a wife.

"Lexi look, there's just one thing about your appearance, it's quite trivial but I've noticed that you have a slight roll of fat around your belly. It sort of detracts from what might otherwise be an ideal feminine shape."

"Oh, really. I wasn't aware of it."

I pinched the skin around my midriff and there was a little belly fat, in the place that men develop while women tend to put on weight on hips and thighs.

"Is it really noticeable?"

"Not yet but you need to control it, these things can creep up without you noticing."

"I already eat like a sparrow."

"Mm, what seeds and breadcrumbs?…" She laughed. "No, sweetheart, I have to admit that you're no glutton."

"So what can I do?"

"I've got you some diet pills, they are quite safe but will have the effect we're looking for as long as you keep taking them."

"OK if you think I need them."

"Really they're just precautionary, to stop the issue developing to where it might be a problem. I want you to be my photo model for a long time. I'll give you them every day to make sure you don't forget, you can leave it all to your big sister."

She kissed me again and stroked her fingers down my cheek.

"Mm, your cheeks are so soft," she said "you are really starting to make such a lovely girl."

As hoped, the new dress was a total success. The increased sales revenue allowed Natalie to offer sewing to a couple of trusted out-workers in order to keep up with the increased demand. Her customers were calling for more designs but Natalie spent long hours at her machine. Little time was left for working in her studio on new designs. It was clear that she would have to expand soon but despite her growing sales, the upfront costs of expansion were high and our finances still could not support the investment required.

The days slipped away as I got back into my work routine. Lexi had not been wanted for several weeks and I had mixed feelings about that. There was no doubt that I missed the thrill of dressing but there was also an easy freedom in wearing my suit to work and a tee shirt and jeans at home. Natalie assured me that she still wanted Lexi on call and she insisted that I kept up my hair and skin regimen. My hair was almost shoulder length now and thanks to applications of hair lightener, could justifiably be called blond now. I kept it tied back when I was out and about but in reality, it was becoming less convincing as a guy's style. Natalie seemed untroubled by that, she acted as my hairdresser and trimmed and styled my hair into a semblance of control. I gave it its bouncy feminine freedom occasionally at home. Natalie had started calling me Lexi all the time now and started referring to me in more feminine terms, saying me 'good girl' and so on. This would have infuriated most men but I was untroubled by it.

There was no longer any doubt that my own self image was blurring, edging more and more towards my feminine side. This may have been due to Natalie's constant reinforcement. For example, on my birthday Natalie bought me a lovely cashmere sweater. In soft pink it was definitely a woman's garment but I wore it with pleasure whenever a sweater was required. As for my casual, at home, style of dressing, I started flirting with a more androgynous look. In fact I started buying more and more of my clothing from the women's department. Not skirts or anything outrageous like that, but jeans and tops of a more feminine style.

As the autumn rolled on there was more bad news. My grandfather was rushed to hospital after a sudden stroke and died before we could get to him. It was a sad and too sudden loss but I don’t think he wanted to go on living without Mary. The silver lining to this dark, dark cloud was that I inherited the old family home.

Neither Natalie or I wanted to live there but its sale would give us the money to reassess our options and potentially fund the expansion of 'Kitty's Whiskers'. I could see Natalie's need for bigger premises and some full time staff but, strange to admit, I was less sure that I was quite ready for Natalie to replace Lexi with a professional model. After the sadness of the funeral had faded we went to see a Real Estate agent and put the old house on the market with an instruction to get a good price rather than a quick sale.

The weather was very beautiful that autumn. The valley seemed often to be hazed with light morning mists that broke into drowsy sunshine. The evenings held the chilled air that demanded sweaters and hot drinks. Natalie was watching me with that curious reticence of hers. I wondered if she was uncertain that what she was doing to me could really be justified.

One evening she announced that we had been invited to a party with some friends of hers from our student days. Apparently she had an amusing plan.

"Look I had this idea…"

"About the party?"

"Yes… Just listen for a minute, why don’t I say that Alex is unable to come with me… some work issue say?"

"So how is that a plan?"

"Hold on, I haven’t finished… Suppose I tell Patty that you can’t make it but ask if I could bring someone else."

"I’m still not with you Natalie."

"Well the someone else I have in mind goes by the name of Lexi,"

"Oh my absolute God… really?"

I had never been out of the house dressed as a woman before and this suggestion left me both thrilled and terrified.

"I think it would be great fun Lexi, and it would give you the extra confidence and poise to be relaxed as my model. Once you've passed as a woman, which you easily will, we could do a big reveal before we leave and let everyone in on the 'joke'."

"Do I know Patty? I can't really bring her to mind."

"Patty Hume… you must have met her at some stage."

"I'm not sure I can remember her, in which case revealing that Lexi is really a man might be embarrassing for both of us. I doubt she would remember me as Alex in any case."

"OK, maybe the reveal thing would be a mistake… but otherwise?"

"I’ll have to think about this Natalie, I’m happy dressing for you as a model and being a little… more androgynous at home but I can't really see the point in going to all that trouble just for a prank."

"It would be more than that. Think about it… no pressure. I just thought you might like to grasp this opportunity to push the envelope a little… Get more confidence in being a girl when you model for me."

"OK, I'm not opposed in principle but give me a day to think it over. I don't want to make a fool of myself."

Although we had never got round to formally discussing the party idea again, my silent compliance seemed to have made Natalie's plan a done deal. She called Patty with an acceptance of the invitation and told her that she would be bringing her half sister in place of her husband.
 
 

 
Following my concerns, Natalie had agreed to drop the idea of a 'reveal'. I much preferred this to the embarrassment of showing myself as a man in drag. I did however want more information and quizzed Natalie for more about her university friend.

"OK, so Patty's our age, she did fine arts and currently works as a conservator for an auction house. She's single and has a place in Greenbank. Recently her brother Greg moved in with her… just short term. He's a couple of years older than her and is going through a break up with his partner… I think there's custody issues over a young child."

"Oh that's a shame."

"It really is Darling… the children are always the ones to suffer. So, according to Patty, she invited him to share her place until he can get himself properly sorted."

"What does Greg do?"

"Not sure… something to do with electronics I think. I only met him once and very briefly… Quite handsome I seem to remember, a quiet sort of guy… definitely your type."

"Oh I have a preferred type of guy do I?"

"Don't all girls?" Natalie smiled. It was a sort of matter of fact smile, case closed. I shrugged.

"So fill me in… As far as Patti is concerned, I'm supposed to be your half sister, is that right?"

"I should have told you all about your horrible history…I hope you won't be too upset to discover your origins." Natalie said with a cute little smile.

"I'll try to keep my composure."

"So I told Patty that we have the same father. After he left my mother he had a fling with a young girl which resulted in you being born. I didn't go into details but when you grew up you came looking for me… I suggested you wanted a surrogate mother as you had never really had one and when you learned of me I seemed to be a candidate. By the way, you're 20."

"So, I'm now five years younger than you… and I see you as my Mummy. Got it."

Natalie laughed.

"Well, sort of. I had to invent some back story to explain to you and… yeah, maybe I got a bit carried away."

"Well thanks for that. Does she know about your husband Alex?"

"Who?"

"Yes, very funny."

"She knew I was married so I can hardly make him disappear."

"Mm… You seem to be making an astonishingly good attempt at that."

"I suppose I am, now you come to mention it."

"OK and the party, You're taking me as your little sister Lexi so what would Lexi be expected to wear?"

"Well… this is a totally informal party, just a few friends gathering for nibbles and drinks. But we'll have to shop for you. Lexi will need a nice skirt, some tights and maybe some comfortable semi flat shoes, a blouse… nothing too fancy. I'm thinking 'girl next door' but obviously pretty."

"Why obviously pretty?"

"Have you not looked at your supermodel portfolio at all?"

"Enhanced by your photographic skills I look pretty enough but, be honest, could I come anywhere near passing as a supermodel in the real world?"

"Now you're fishing for compliments Lexi… but yes pretty much. The response to your photoshoot portfolio might be seen as confirmation of your status. Many of my customers have asked who my gorgeous model is and which agency you came from."

"Really… maybe I should be holding out for more pay."

Natalie gave me one of her smiles and as always, I was putty in her hands.

"So when can you take me shopping?"

"Anytime, there's no urgency… Tomorrow's Saturday, we could just go to the Mall in Ashford; they'd have everything we need… I'll make a list so we don't forget anything. We could make a nice morning of it… How about we do a trial run, get you dolled up and have a girly lunch at the Red Lion? Me and Lexi, the Fox sisters."

"The pub thing sounds totally insane. As you know, Lexi is a pub virgin."

"I can see what you mean I've got so used to you being Lexi for me that I took it for granted that you'd be OK by now with a public appearance."

"I said insane… Not that I didn't find the idea exciting."

"Good girl. It's settled then."

When we arrived at the department store the next morning, I was dressed androgynously: Tight jeans… yes, from the women's department, a cotton top and a pastel coloured sweatshirt. I wore the pink trainers that Natalie had bought online for me and I gave my hair its feminine freedom… so quite girly actually. I left Natalie to make all the shopping choices, in fact, I hardly knew where to start or what to buy.

We bought some pretty underwear, a shortish tight skirt in black cotton, several pairs of black tights and a blouse, pale blue printed with cute little penguin motifs which we both found adorable. I got some lowish heeled but quite pretty court shoes with delicate leather bows and, to finish, an inexpensive but quite elegant shoulder bag for all my 'stuff'. Natalie chose some inexpensive ear-rings and a wrist bangle for me. We then moved to the makeup department and made an impromptu raid, getting all the stuff that Natalie claimed was essential for me. We were about to make our exits when Natalie asked me to hold on for a minute while she dashed back for something else.

While waiting innocently for Natalie to return, I got a passing flirty smile from a young guy. I pretended not to notice. It seemed that even dressed androgynously, my undercover femininity was starting to show through. After a few minutes Natalie returned with another bag.

"I thought I'd get you this, a gift for being my favourite little sister… I'll show you when we get home."

We piled our purchases into the Mini and Natalie drove us home. It felt a little like Christmas morning as I opened all the packages. Then Natalie gave me her present. It was a lovely floaty silk scarf in colours that perfectly complimented my penguin blouse.

"This will add an undoubted feminine touch to your outfit."

"It's beautiful, thank you so much. I hope it won't be wasted."

"Why would it? A girl can't have too many accessories"

"I guess not… so are you going to help me with my makeup and get dressed for the pub?"

"I could but you're a big girl now, I think you can get dressed without your big sister's help."

So I made my way to the bedroom. It all seemed a little surreal as I sat at the dressing table in front of the mirror. Seeing the pretty woman whose face was looking back at me, I suddenly had a moment of crisis… WTF am I doing? I thought to myself. Just a few weeks ago, I would never have dreamed that I would be sitting in front of a mirror, putting on makeup for a pub lunch.

I heard Natalie's voice calling from the sitting room.

"How's it going in there sweetheart?"

"Yes OK, I'll be out in a moment."

So, with a struggle, I rationalised my way through this moment of crisis: This was just a trip out to the pub, I was just playing dress up with Natalie for fun. No one was going to recognise me… and I had to admit to enjoying the thrill I got when I dressed as Lexi. It would be fine.

I had closely watched in the mirror as Natalie had done my makeup before and had surreptitiously watched a few tutorials on youtube so I had a good idea of where to start. We were just going for lunch so there was no need to go full glamour. I simply put on a little foundation, dark eyeliner and mascara, brushed some powder across my smooth cheeks and finished with the coral pink lipstick. I squeezed myself into the corset, it was tight but I was getting to appreciate the slightly sensual feel that the pressure gave me. I put on my underwear using the silicone bra inserts to give me a pair of nice little boobs. My stockings gave my smooth legs a sexy look. I twirled in front of the full length mirror on the inside of the closet door and when I found myself satisfied that I looked suitably feminine, I slid into the outer garments. I was just finishing when Natalie appeared at the door.

"That's the perfect look… maybe you should do your press on nails with the pearl-pink varnish while I brush out and add some curl to your hair… Oh and don't forget your new ear-rings.
I slipped the scarf around my neck. It felt cool and smooth.
"Don't forget your bag sweetheart… put in your compact, some tissues, your perfume and lipstick and your wallet. I usually carry a small hair brush and tampons. We'll get you a brush, the other thing… maybe not."

I smiled but was starting to feel nervous again.

"So how do I look?"

"Lexi, you look like a lovely, slightly shy, young woman."

"I'm not going to make a fool of myself?"

"Not a chance."

When I dressed as Lexi, I found that my voice somehow naturally softened. This was not a forced thing, nothing like a squeaky strained falsetto, the sound just came instinctively; softer in a slightly higher register. Even so I was concerned that it might be a problem.

"What about my voice, is it a huge giveaway?"

"Your voice? No you've always had quite a feminine voice, it perfectly complements your nature. Just keep it soft like when talking to a young child. Speak a little slower and pronounce your words carefully. Really you already do this when you're dressed as a girl. No one will suspect a thing."

So after a short drive, we arrived at the pub. Natalie chatted to me as we negotiated the crowd of lunch-time drinkers and found a corner table. I was so nervous that my knees were trembling. I'll go and order some food from the bar, what would you like to drink?"

"White wine would be lovely." I said.

"OK."

We had a nice little lunch, Natalie got me a cheese salad and she had a burger. Without any prompting from big sister, I touched up my lipstick after the meal as I had seen other girls do; it seemed quite a sexy thing to do. Natalie watched and smiled approvingly. The most surprising thing was that nothing surprising happened. Natalie handled everything and apart from exchanging a furtive smile with a man across the room, I had no real contact with anyone. Well, except for the middle aged bar-maid who came to collect our glasses and called me 'sweetheart'; make of that what you will.

I soon found myself back in the Mini. Now that the adventure was over I felt not only relief but elated by my success. Despite my earlier crisis my identity had slipped another notch towards the feminine.

Back home we made coffee and chatted for a while.

"I can see that went well for you Lexi. Aren't you glad that I made you come?"

"Yes. It felt strangely normal… earlier when I was getting ready… I had this brief crisis of confidence… Natalie, be honest, do you see me as a man or a woman?"

"Oh I just see you as my pretty sister… By the way, I saw you exchanging flirty glances with that gorgeous hunk across the room; I was worried he might come over and seduce you."

"That was never going to happen, a friendly smile was all that happened."

Natalie giggled which made me start a nervous giggle of my own.

"So this success must have finally settled your nervousness about coming to the party."

"I suppose so, but I agree with your decision, definitely no reveal, when I'm Lexi, I want it to feel like the real thing, not like some slapstick comedy turn."

"You, my darling girl, are perfectly correct, I should never have suggested anything else."
 
 

 
By the evening I put Lexi away in her closet… at least mostly. I did dress in my pink jogging suit and trainers and with my blond hair in a ponytail swinging behind me, went for a run along the hawthorn edged lanes with their massed red berries. Across the fields an owl let out a long soft hoot that echoed from beyond the distant stand of oaks. I took it as a good omen.

Back home I showered and dressed in my girl's jeans and pink sweater in time to make some pasta for dinner. The day of the party was just a week away and thinking of it gave me a nervous thrill. As Natalie came in from working in her studio, she locked eyes with me and smiled.

"One day you'll make some lucky man a lovely wife." She said.

"That's quite enough of that sort of talk… will you open some wine? I picked up a cheap bottle of Merlot from the supermarket last week and I'm keen to see how drinkable it is."

The wine was quite good, mood mellowing, and I managed to get a sisterly cuddle from Natalie while watching TV.

On Monday I arrived at work dressed in my usual suit and tie. Complete with Oxford brogues and briefcase I felt confident that I made a respectable attempt at being a man again. I could not help thinking that this dual personality that I had fallen into was bound to end in tears, one way or another. But the day rolled along as effortlessly mundane as usual.

When I got home, there was a white Transit van parked in the space normally occupied by the old Morris. Natalie explained that it was all part of the next step in expanding her business. The old Morris had been sent to the wreckers and she had bought the almost new van as a replacement. I was a little surprised that she hadn't discussed it with me first, but it was her money that she was spending and the van was definitely a much needed asset for Kitty's Whiskers.

"I've employed two more out-worker machinists and I'm thinking of hiring someone as a driver to fetch and carry and so on… What do you think?"

"It sounds good, I must admit that the deliveries are in danger of becoming a burden."

"I could see that, that's why I want to get a driver… Whiskers is starting to do quite well and it wouldn't have happened without your pretty face… I don't want my model to be burdened with heavy lifting and struggling with a big van through traffic.."

Being freed of the delivery driver responsibility came as a relief but I was strangely sad to think that the old Morris was destined for the crusher. It felt almost like putting an old and faithful dog down. I never used to be so sentimental.

So the evening of the party finally came and I dressed, more or less, as I had for the pub lunch… the fact was, of course, that it was my only girl outfit so I had little choice. Natalie did her magic with 'our' curling wand and gave my long hair some lovely soft waves. I did my makeup and after struggling and calling for help with false lashes, gave myself dark mysterious eyes and full crushed-plum lips. I wore my silver bangles and the lovely dangling earrings that I had worn for the recent photoshoot. I felt equal parts excited and terrified; well maybe 40 excited to 60 terrified.

Tonight I would be expected to actually interact and speak with strangers as if I really was a girl. To be honest I was sliding very easily into being Lexi. I found myself loving the feminine feelings that I was experiencing. Even my inner thoughts, the way I saw the world, were starting to leave the old Alex behind.

It was an easy hour's drive to Greenbank, half of it through country lanes before briefly diverting onto the dual carriageway and exiting just before the old granite Greenbank Town hall. The evening was bright and clear, the sun had not yet sunk behind the distant Monrow Hills when we arrived at the Hume home. Patty came out to meet us. Natalie and Patty hugged and then Patty turned to me.

"You must be Lexi, welcome to Chez Hume." She kissed my cheek as if we were old friends and I smiled my brightest warmest smile to her. "Natalie's told me all about you."

"Not all, I hope." I said with a soft laugh.

"Well not all that much actually… you'll have to fill in the details, but any sister of Natalie's is a friend of mine." Patty took my arm and led me into her home. "Now we have wine… in two colours, count them." She laughed "White and red. There's lager and a selection of fruit juices. For those beyond all hope, we've got gin, vodka and whiskey… Let me guess, you look like a white wine girl to me."

"How well you can read me Patty, white would be lovely."
She carefully poured and handed me a glass.

"Help yourself to snacks, it's just finger food I'm afraid."

"It all looks lovely Patty… So you and Natalie knew each other from Uni?"

"Yes we go way back but we've lost touch lately… So you must know Alex, her husband… I don't think I've ever met him myself."

"Oh yes Alex and I are very close." I said completely without irony.

"Not too close, I hope." Patty added with a conspiratorial wink.

"What's all this?" Natalie had sidled up to us; she had helped herself to a sausage roll and a glass of red wine. Her lips carried the unmistakable forensic evidence of flakey pastry.

"Oh nothing, just girl talk… I was just about to ask Lexi if she has a boyfriend at the moment.

"Oh really Patty." Natalie turned to me. " You know Lexi, Patty was well known as a matchmaker in her University days." She turned to Patty with a contagious smile. "This is not an attempt to fix up your brother is it?"

"What do you take me for Natalie? Nothing was further from my thoughts…" Her eyes crinkled and sparkled. "Mind you, I can imagine a far worse sister in law than your lovely Lexi."

I probably blushed but my head was swimming and not from the wine as Patty called out across the room:

"Greg… come over here come and say hello to Lexi." She turned to me. "Greg works as a software engineer at BlackRook Software." Her words may have been intended as some form of character endorsement… In fact, I had never heard of BlackRook Software.

I looked across the room and saw, what's the expression?... 'A tall dark handsome stranger' manoeuver his way across the room. He was possessed of an enormously incendiary smile focussed on little old me.

"Hi I'm Greg, I have the good fortune to have Patty as my sister and I have to obey her every command."

"I wish…" Patty said.

Greg turned to Natalie.

"Natalie, remember me?" He leaned close and kissed her cheek.

"Of course how are you Greg?"

"I'm doing OK." He said as turned to the table of food and popped a whole vol-au-vent into his mouth before picking up a bottle of white wine. Returning to me he topped up my glass and then took my hand as I looked up at his smile. It was a slightly sad and yet beautifully friendly smile.

"Come and see my garret." He said.

"You have etchings up there?" I suggested. I flashed a slightly alarmed look at Natalie who simply smiled and nodded in an apparent lack of concern.

"Something better than etchings… I have a view."

Greg led me up a set of twisting rickety stairs all the while keeping a gentle hold of my fingers. He opened a door that looked seriously in want of fresh paint. After the darkness of the staircase, we passed through the creaking doorway into a surprisingly bright room. The room was small, sparsely furnished with just a single bed and an ancient chest of drawers in carved darkly stained wood. With its ancient, seriously out of fashion wallpaper, the room seemed to belong to a different age as if time had stood still since Victorian times, for this small sliver of the universe.

As promised the window revealed a shimmering view that might inspire a watercolourist; it stretched across the shining slate roof tops to a silver ribbon of river winding across farmland and beyond that to the distant hills that were now starting to turn purple as the sun slowly sank towards the horizon.

"Oh, you were right, what a lovely view, and you can see the river." I said.

"Up on the hill you can just see the mound and ruins of an early Norman motte and bailey castle… Hold on, I'll get my binoculars."

Greg dropped my fingers and turned away. I felt the draft of air move to fill the space he had vacated as he left me. For some reason, I felt the sudden need to look pretty and quickly fished in my bag and found my lipstick and compact mirror. My lips looked fine but I gave them another coat anyway. I managed a quick spray of perfume just before Greg returned.

"Here…" He focussed the binoculars while standing behind me, with his arms around me he held the lenses to my eyes. "Take hold and follow the line of the roof to the spout then go up a little." When I took the binoculars, Greg pulled me close to his chest. I could feel heat rising from his chest and the beat of his heart. For a moment I felt so safe, so protected by his strength.

"Can you see it?"

"Oh yes… From here it almost looks as if it might still garrisoned with ancient bowmen"

"They say it's haunted but I've never seen any signs of ghostly bowmen. We used to wander up there to play when we were kids."

"So you've always lived round here then?"

"Greenbank born and bred… I have a house in Norwich which is just a stone's throw away… bit of a problem over that with my lovely ex." Greg said. I knew a little about the divorce and chose not to ask any embarrassing questions.

I turned my face to him with a soft smile on my lips and he pulled me tighter against his chest. I felt a shiver of pleasure. A swamping ache of wanting his touch ebbed over me, quivering down through my body. It was something so intense, something I had never felt before. A magical moment. I don't know if Greg felt anything, but he made no move to release his grip on me and we stayed there both fixed in place for what seemed an eternity. But it was an eternity measured in heartbeats not the sweep of hands round a clock.

We must have finally descended the stairs, I don't remember how but all too soon I found myself back at the party.

Natalie looked slightly alarmed as she saw me.

"You OK?" She said.

"I'm fine."

"Only, you were such a long time."

"Were we? Greg just wanted to show me his view; it was… I don't know… a sort of magical moment."

"Oh, magical was it?… So come and have something to eat sweetheart."

I looked around the room, my eyes searching for Greg, just another glimpse would do but he was nowhere to be seen… Despite constantly looking for him, he never reappeared.

The rest of the evening slid away without me really noticing. I managed to circulate and spoke to most of those there and it seemed that there was no question among the other partygoers that I was anything other than a girl. If that had been Natalie's goal then she had succeeded. What else she had unwittingly unleashed, if it was indeed anything real, remained unspoken, unacknowledged, but I knew that something fundamental had changed in me during those few precious seconds with Greg.
 
 

 
The next day. rather reluctantly, I slid back into being Alex again. Hanging over me was still a faint ache to feel what Lexi had felt in that small room with a view.

Natalie was working on some new designs and I spent time in the garden tidying before the onset of winter. I had hardly seen Natalie all day and we came together over dinner for the first time since waking that morning.

"How was the party for you?" She asked.

"I really enjoyed myself… surprisingly so."

"Everyone was taken with you, they all told me that my little sister was a delight."

"I tried to be on my best behaviour; they were nice people and it was easy to be friendly with them. Patty's lovely."

"And her brother?... He seemed to have quite an impact on you."

"He was… nice. But don't read anything into that. I was sorry we didn't get to talk again… he seemed to disappear into thin air."

"He's got his demons, in the form of Jenny. She was never right for him according to Patty"

"That's a desperate shame, he deserves better… anyway I got the impression that I passed as a girl with him."

"I told you everything would be fine… You seemed to enjoy it."

"Pretending to be a girl in public you mean?"

"Was it really pretending?"

"What can you mean big sister? Starting to feel more comfortable as Lexi is all I'm going to admit to. Actually once I got over my nervousness, it was fun, the perspective you get from being a girl is quite different… It makes the world seem a different place; you seem presented with new vulnerabilities… new possibilities."

"It's interesting that you think that… I can only speak from one side of the fence but I think I know what you mean. The question is would you like to keep on being a girl in public from time to time? You know, hanging out as sisters from time to time. We could make it a fun thing to do every so often. I can see how you become more animated, more the real you, when you dress as Lexi."

"Is it that obvious? I did have a nice time at Patty's party, it was fun… I guess I could be tempted to go out as Lexi again."

"Then let me tempt you… I'll book a table somewhere for next Friday evening. The Fox sisters are going to paint the town red."

"Maybe the sisters should adopt a lower profile than that."

"OK how about painting the town pink?" Natalie's eyes sparkled as she laughed. I smiled and shrugged.

The forthcoming evening out as Lexi hung in the back of my mind all week. It was something to look forward to but the excitement was still tinged with the question of who I was now, who I wanted to be.

My 'big sister' had chosen a quiet restaurant out of town where neither of us would be recognised. Naturally I was taken to be a girl. This no longer seemed in question. I was addressed as 'Miss' and treated with all the courtesy that a young woman might expect. We had a lovely meal followed by a short moonlit stroll along the river's edge before the chilly night air drove us back to the car and we went home. It was simply lovely and being Lexi added an extra thrill for me. I felt that I was starting to become two different people, not just from the way I dressed, that now seemed relatively trivial, but from the way my thoughts were now embracing this other me.

We both enjoyed our evenings out as sisters and so Friday night's quickly became the Fox sisters' thing. We found a selection of nice restaurants and wine bars both near and far and each Friday visited one at random.

It became an eager anticipation, something to get me through the working week. Because I was now spending more and more time as a girl I researched online for ways to tuck my boy parts away and soon dispensed with the corset which was becoming very constraining. The more I wore girl's stuff the more my body seemed to adapt. It was probably my imagination, wishful thinking even, but my shape did seem to be becoming more feminine. My skin was softer and my facial hair seemed finer and needed shaving less and less often. I put this down to the moisturisers and so on that I was using. Natalie and I shopped together and my Lexi wardrobe grew until I had as many Lexi clothes as Alex clothes. Natalie told me that I did have nice feminine legs and once I was comfortable walking in them I grew to love wearing tall sexy heels on our Friday adventures.

When we got back from one of our nights out we sat discussing the future of Natalie's business. Then Natalie turned to conversation to something that had clearly been on her mind for a while:

"You know sweetheart, I'm getting to prefer having you around the place as my little sister."

Although, since the party when I was presented as her sister, she had often referred to me in that way I had never really taken it seriously. I thought it was just another of her terms of endearment. I never really thought that Natalie might actually see me in that light. Not until she made a suggestion that knocked me sideways:

"I thought it would be lovely for you if we were to get the decorators in to turn the spare room into a lovely girly bedroom all of your own."

I found this idea a little confronting but could see that Natalie was really serious. When Natalie gets an idea into her head I find it impossible to change her direction. Obviously, we had shared a bedroom since we were married and I was not quite sure how to take the suggestion that we were to have separate rooms now. I was unsure of her motivation but Natalie seemed quite excited about planning the decoration. Before I could raise any objections, Natalie showed me magazines photos of super feminine rooms, all lace and pinks and asked me which I liked best. Eventually I found myself caught up in Natalie's excitement. We finally settled on something quite lovely: pale lavender walls with a matching carpet, a plush king single bed with a floral print duvet cover, matching curtains and a heap of scatter cushions.

"I'll talk to the decorator tomorrow, let him know it's for a pretty feminine girl and see how close to this picture he can get. And sweetheart, this is my treat, a payback, for your modelling time."

"Are you sure?... this is going to cost a fortune."

"Oh quite sure sister. The business is starting to make money now, it won't break the bank to give you a little treat."

"OK if you're sure about this…." So I found myself thanking Natalie for evicting me from our marital bedroom… strange how things can turn out.

"We'll need to get you a dressing table, I'll look online and pick you something nice."

The dressing table, white with a large mirror and two rows of drawers arrived after two days. The decorators took a week to appear and another week to complete the work. Admittedly my room was stunningly pretty when finished and took the edge off my concern at being evicted from my 'big sisters' room.

When I was finally installed, I looked around my room. It was undoubtedly beautiful but it suddenly looked like the sort of bedroom a teenage princess would aspire to. All that was missing to complete the picture was a cuddly soft toy on the bed snuggling into my mound of pillows. I pulled open the side drawer of the dressing table where I intended to keep my makeup. When I looked inside my jaw dropped… there with a label around its neck saying 'welcome to your new room little sister.' was a soft pink Teddy bear.

Despite my discomfort, I had to laugh. I took a deep breath and tried to rationalise who I was now. I had never been an alpha male type, nowhere close and my feminine side had always been there, mostly hiding, but probably influencing all my life choices. I guess Natalie understood me better than I did myself . She had made me into her sister and expelled me from the marriage bed.

I would hardly miss the intimacy which had never been spectacular, but I would miss snuggling up to Natalie, feeling her warm body next to mine, feeling safe with her arms around me…. Of course, It should have been me making Natalie feel safe with her man's arms around her, not the other way round. Maybe being Natalie's little sister was who I really was. With a shrug I fell back into the role that Natalie had determined for me. I gave the bear a kiss and sat him on the dressing table so he could watch me when I did my makeup.

Over the weeks, apart from at work, my androgynous dress style was becoming more and more feminine until it could hardly be called androgynous at all. It was hard for me to admit, even to myself, but I was starting to feel more comfortable dressed as Lexi than I did when I was dressed as Alex. Occasionally I would wear a skirt around the house but I still mostly wore jeans and sweatshirts at home. Except when Alex needed something for work, I shopped almost exclusively at the women's department... It just seemed the more natural place for me to shop now.

As autumn was tipping into winter we found ourselves, one Friday night, at the wine bar. Naturally, I was dressed as Lexi. Natalie suddenly remembered an email she had received earlier that day from Patty…

"Oh yes Lexi… I almost forgot, it seems you might have made a conquest…"

"What?"

"You remember Patty's brother Greg?"

The mention of his name had a tumultuous effect on me, made my heart flutter as I remembered that brief yet all too innocent encounter with him in his little garret with a view.

"Greg… Oh yes," I said as if he had never entered my thoughts since the day of the party."

"I was texting with Patty… she sends her love by the way. She told me that Greg has been trying to get in touch with you."

"With me?"

"Yes with you… just what did you get up to with him at the party?"

"I've already told you everything that happened."

"Ah yes, the view… It must have been very spectacular."

"It was lovely and… well he did put his arms around me and hold me for a moment."

"Ah so now we're finally getting to the truth… So how was this moment of intimacy?"

"You wouldn't believe me."

"Try me."

"How about Earth shattering."

"Wow."

"I know… So… Did Patty leave a number for Greg or something?"

"She gave me his email. I'll let you have it… but you need to be honest with him sweetheart… about Alex, the poor man had already had his heart broken once."

"The last thing I want is to deceive Greg into thinking I'm something that I'm not…. but…"

"But you really, really like him in a way that a real man shouldn't?"

"Maybe…"

"I can tell when you're excited… I think it's more than just a 'maybe' sweetheart. OK I've said my piece Lexi, there's only so much advice a big sister can give. But I really wish you well, Greg seems like a lovely Guy."

"So Natalie… just hypothetically, if I were to become romantically involved with someone else… how would it make you feel?"

"I guess you know that I don't think of you as a husband anymore. I still love you dearly but it's the love for a sister; that doesn't make it any less real. Darling we grew up together, played together as children, we've always been more like two sisters than lovers. My mother could see that even if we couldn't… she warned me not to marry you but I loved you and I still do. If you found someone else to love you I'd be happy for you and I hope that if I found a man, you'd be happy for me."

For some reason, Natalie's words brought a mist of tears to my eyes.
  

 
When we got home I added Greg's email to my phone's address book. I thought of sending him some message straight away but Natalie's words of caution held me back. Since I had seen Greg, I had changed a lot. I was now much more comfortable as Lexi than I had been when Greg had held me against his body and showed me the wonderful view from his window. Maybe I was a different person now, one that Greg would no longer recognise. Besides, it had been weeks and weeks since the party and Greg had made no effort to contact me over all that time.

My changes had all come slowly, almost unintentionally as I evolved by some process of osmosis into something much closer to being the sister that Natalie seemed to want me to be. Without any intention, my self identity had gone from the assumption that I was a man, through a period of feeling confused to now when I was enjoying feeling more and more like a woman. I struggled with what to do about Greg, make contact and risk making a fool of myself or miss out on something that might be very, very special… But then, it had been Greg who had made the first approach. It might be rude not to respond.

My normal 'modus operandi' is to put difficult decisions on hold; I think they call it procrastination or being a 'yellow chicken'. It wasn't until the following Monday, after lunch when I had a quiet moment that I found the courage to finally make a tentative attempt at reaching out to Greg.

It was just a brief email and held none of the real emotions that I felt, none of the explanations that I longed and needed to give him. So I just sent him a recent selfie of Lexi at her prettiest and a brief suggestion that I might like to meet him again… Just in case, I sort of… gave him the location of the cottage.

I kept checking my email but there had been no reply by mid afternoon when I found myself summoned to Carol Jones' office. Miss Jones was the Chief Editor of the Argosy. I had always found her kind but a little formidable and I felt a little trepidation at being called to see her.

Miss Jones was, I guessed, about fifty, always immaculately dressed, with a sharp mind which was softened by a loving nature. Entering her office, she told me to sit and, leaning informally on the edge of her desk, explained a concern that had come to light about me.

"Over the past months Alex we have all noticed a change in your appearance."

I instantly knew what she was referring to. The words ran through me like a sharp knife. Since the early days when Natalie had woken my 'gender fluidity', I naively thought that I had been able to keep my two identities completely separate. It seems that I had been blissfully unaware of how much I had changed even when presenting as Alex. My first instinct to deny, deny, deny. Proved unhelpful.

"You think I'm a crossdresser or something?"

"Alex, I saw you last Friday at the wine bar on Wellington Street… You were definitely not dressed as a man."

"I, I…"

"There's no point in denying this Alex. I saw you myself… glimpsed you through the glass doors as I passed the wine bar. I had to stop for a moment to make sure that I was not seeing things. It was your lovely blond hair that convinced me, otherwise I might not have recognised you. You really did look rather pretty… Now come on, can you really deny it?"

I found myself unable to speak or make eye contact with Miss Jones and sat in stunned silence.

"If I am mistaken Alex, then I am sincerely sorry and unconditionally apologise."

"No I can't deny it Miss Jones, there's no reason for you to apologise."

I found my eyes flooding with tears and grabbed a tissue from the box that Miss Jones held out to me.

"There's no reason to be upset Alex."

I looked up into her eyes and saw only understanding and compassion.

"So what does this mean for me?"

"Nothing bad Alex. We live in the 21st century at the Argosy… all races, religions and genders are welcome. I just wanted to let you know that If you'd prefer to dress in a more feminine way at work, there would be no problem. I don't know if you want to adopt a feminine name, change your pronouns and so on…"

"I might want to do that, may I get back to you on the suggestion?"

"Of course, it's entirely up to you. On a less controversial note, I was also going to suggest a shift in your responsibilities if you'd like to take the opportunity"

"Really? in what way?"

"Well you know that our traditional print media is struggling to maintain circulation in the face of the digital revolution… I don't think print will be going extinct anytime soon but we don't want to get left behind either. The board thinks that it's time that Argosy Publishing dipped its toes into online publishing. We have a project to start a subscription based digital women's magazine. We need young people who understand this rather… alien world… to front such a venture.

I've asked Katie Walters to head up the project… but she's going to need help."

"You're thinking of me?"

"You are just the sort of person we need in the role, young, bright with an interesting perspective on women's issues. I've already discussed this with Katie and she's really keen to have you on her team."

"She knows about my… gender issue?"

"Oh yes, she sees it as an added advantage."

"Really… that's nice. This seems to be an opportunity that I can't let slip by, thank you for giving me this chance and especially for your compassion regarding my gender issue."

I think I must have skipped back to my office. My mood had been lifted and I was keen to get back to Natalie and give her my good news. The last couple of hours of my work day seemed to drag but eventually the work day was over and I drove home with a smile on my face. It was Friday evening with a weekend stretching out before me. As I turned down the lane that led to the cottage, it seemed that the world was suddenly a brighter place.

As I parked the Mini, my eyes were brimming with tears again… tears of joy.

I longed to see Natalie and found her in the kitchen. She turned to me as I entered the room.

"Something's happened." She said.

"How do you know?"

"I know you Lexi… we've been together all our lives… it's something good."

"Yes… I've been offered an interesting new role at work."

"Tell me…"

So I explained what Carol Jones had offered me and then I told her about being seen as Lexi at the wine bar.

"Oh no… was it too, too embarrassing for you?"

"It should have been but Carol is such a kind woman. It was an almost cathartic experience as she took the whole thing in her stride. She even suggested that I could dress as a woman at work if I wanted."

"Wow, your Boss sounds like a paragon."

"Well yes but don't you think it's a strange world, where simply being kind is seen as exceptional?"

"I suppose it is… so are you going to go to work dressed as Lexi from now on?"

"I'd like to, but it might be embarrassing… What do you think?"

"I think that it's a decision that only you can make sweetheart… but it might be something to grab at while you have Carol's rather obvious endorsement."

"I was suddenly overcome with emotion again and grabbed some tissues from the work top."

"Sorry, it's been an emotional day… I never used to be like this. What's happened to me Natalie?"

"You used not to be a woman, that's what has happened."

"But I'm not a woman, not a real one…"

"Of course you are sweetheart. Why do you think that the people at work had their suspicions? Have you looked at your shape in the mirror lately?"

"I didn't think anyone else would have noticed anything… I thought it was mostly just my imagination… just wishful thinking."

"Come here sweetheart."

I moved closer to Natalie and she took off my tie and tossed it on the worktop. She then undid the buttons of my shirt and pulled it open. Her hands cupped the two soft fleshy mounds on my chest.

"What do you think these are? Have you noticed any tenderness on your nipples?"

"Well yes, a little, but I thought…the silicon bra pads might…"

"Might be irritating your skin?... Baby girl, those lovely little breasts of yours are real. They're coming along nicely, in a while you'll need to wear a bra all the time to contain them."

I had started wearing a small-cupped bra when I was dressed as Lexi; It seemed very feminine but maybe more an affectation than a real need for support. I managed, I had thought, perfectly well without one when I presented as Alex.

"But how?…"

Natalie was silent for a moment. I saw a flush of pink on her cheeks as she turned her face to the window.

"Sweetheart, I've had you on oral hormones for months now, those diet pills that you've been swallowing by the handful… "

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I knew you desperately wanted to be a woman but would struggle to find the courage to take the step yourself… I gave you the hormones Lexi because of love. Even if you still struggle to fully accept it, you really are a girl inside."

"You did that without telling me, without discussing the implications? I don't know if I can trust you anymore. I'm not even sure that I know who you are anymore."

I was so shocked by Natalie's admission that I could barely move as she wrapped her arms around me and held me tight in a deep embrace. I felt that it was for her own salvation as much as for me. But despite that, in that moment as I sobbed, I felt a desperate need to be held. Even if it was in the arms of the one who had betrayed my trust. I did not try to hold back my tears anymore. I realised now that it must have been the hormones that had made Alex so emotional but it was Lexi who cried the tears.

I finally pulled away from Natalie and she sank to her knees, her own tears a match for mine. She spoke through the half sobs and gasps of her tears:

"I'm… sorry darling… but there's something else I need to confess."

"How could there be more?... tell me let's get this over."

"I was worried that you wouldn't have the courage to tell Greg about… about that you used to be Alex… So I told him for you… I sent him a text. Darling… he deserves to know the truth after all he's been through."

My truth was that I did think that Greg deserved something better than a half man half woman freak and the realisation of that made a bad evening plunge to a new low. I left the room without speaking again… Too much had already been said. I found a brief escape in my little girl's bedroom.

After I had gained my composure, I dressed in my trainers and jogging suit, the pink one bought, of course, from the women's department. To clear my head I needed to run, long and hard and stepped out into the crisp air of the winter evening.
 
 

 
I ran and ran until the winter sky darkened and a watery thin crescent moon hung over me. The moon was my companion, my goddess. She kept pace with my every step as I ran to exhaustion. I let my thoughts race wild until I could finally catch a glimpse of the reality of the situation. My anger over what Natalie had done slowly softened as I began to see the obvious truth that my own weakness had allowed it all to happen.

I ran on until each breath burned my lungs and my legs ached on the edge of cramp. I was finally drained, bone weary and had to slow to a breathless walk. There were heavy clouds scuttering across my faithful moon now, hiding her tearful face as low thunder rolled down the valley. A distant flash of lightning in the dark sky made me flinch and convinced me to turn for the cottage…. I'm not sure it felt like home anymore.

I cut across the shadowed wet fields as the rain started in large heavy drops. Eventually, in the distance, I saw the silhouette of the cottage, a single window lit against the night. I loped into a jog again with no idea what I was going to do. I was drenched, my face was wet with rain and salty tears. The run had left me physically drained but whole again. My physical exhaustion had exposed my emotional vulnerability. I had been struggling to decide whether I was a man or a woman, now I knew the truth. Over the last months I had not been playing at being a woman as I had believed. Rather, my whole life up to that point had been a struggle pretending that I was a man.

The pressure to conform to society's norms had shaped me as Alex. Now a different pressure had burst me open, I was reborn. Reborn as a woman.
I stood on the edge of the dark country road looking towards the cottage. From behind me without warning, I heard the splash of car tyres on the wet road and saw the yellow beam of headlights piercing the rainy night. The car was coming fast along the narrow winding lane, I heard heavy braking, the slewing of tyres and trying to keep clear, I slipped into the wet ditch. As the car came to a halt I pulled myself back up onto the road and stood as the car door opened and someone got out.

Lit by the car's lights, I recognised the man as if I had known him all my life. I stood shivering in the rain unable to move and struggled to form any coherent words:

"Greg… My god Greg… Is that you?"

"Lexi?"

"Yes it's me…"

"Sorry, sorry, I didn't see you."

"I guess not."

"Are you alright?"

"No… Not really." I said. And he came over to where I was standing and took my hands as I shivered.

"You're not hurt?"

"No… I'm sorry… I didn't mean… I'm just rather upset. Nothing to do with you."

Greg wrapped his warm arms round me and once more I felt that trembling ecstatic feeling that I had felt only once before.

"OK, come and get into the car out of the rain." As the car doors closed I felt safe, cocooned by the car's warmth. Greg sat in the driver's seat and held my trembling fingers. "Tell me what's wrong Lexi?"

"I think you got a text from Natalie... about me?"

"Yes, it was a strange message. She explained in a few stilted words that you used to be Alex, her husband and you are not her sister but a transgender woman."

"But you came to see me anyway?"

"I had to come tonight… I needed to see you face to face to explain how I feel. Tomorrow I'm driving Patty and Alice up to Scotland and leaving them there for a few days break. We have an ageing aunt who lives in the quaint village of Aberfoyle. It's a nine hour drive at the best of times. Patty's hoping to find some winter snow for Alice; It'll be an exciting new experience for her."

"So you're not staying in Scotland with them?"

"I'll just stay overnight… Things to do. After Natalie's text, I had to come to see you to tell you that the Lexi that I briefly met at Patty's party was all the woman I could ever want… You'll probably think me insane, but when I held you in my room… Do you remember the moment?"

"Oh yes, it's seared on my memory."

"Yours too… Well, as I held you just for that brief moment, I felt such a powerful emotion of love for you… It turned my world upside down. I was involved with my divorce and custody battle… My emotional life was in turmoil so I had to get away from you before I made an absolute fool of myself. Since then I've been trying to find the courage to contact you."

"But now that Natalie has revealed my past… You must hate me."

"Would I have driven down here on a wet winter's night, with my precious daughter in the back of my car, to see you if I hated you?"

"Alice is in the back?" I turned to the back seat and saw the shadowed figure of a sleeping angel cocooned in her child's seat. "She looks so peaceful."

"I had no one to leave her with. Patty was out for the night and I just had to see you to let you know how I feel, how I still feel. Ever since that party I've been in love with you… The person you are. Who you might once have been, means nothing in the face of what I feel for you."

"Oh Greg… You've been in my thoughts constantly since that evening… I longed for us to get close but was sure that you would be horrified when you discovered the truth about me."

"Nothing about you could horrify me. I know we'll need to get to know each other better but I think I already know all I need to know about you… you are adorable."

"Even after Natalie's text?"

"I'm not really sure of her motivation for texting me like that. She warned me not to be too easily seduced by your beauty."

"My beauty… she said that?"

"Well yes, maybe she's jealous of how pretty you are."

"If I am pretty, I don't think she's jealous, misguidedly protective of us both maybe… Natalie and I have been close since we were children. I guess we both always knew that I struggled with my birth gender. Recently she got me to model her dresses for her and over the months she pushed me into becoming more and more feminine, even feeding me hormones without my knowledge."

"Hormones… How could she have done that?"

"I don't know… I was never really a husband for her. Maybe she just wanted me to be a sister."

"Well that's how she introduced you to us at the party."

"I know, it was all supposed to just be fun, to see if I could pass as a girl."

"Well you passed rather easily."

"It seems so… Natalie told me about the hormones just tonight. It upset me so much that I had to go for a long run to try and find some perspective."

"You poor darling, did you find what you were looking for?"

I turned my eyes to the back seat again and saw the sleeping child silhouetted in the shadows and then at Greg's face lit only by the dim dashboard lights

"Yes, I know who I am now." I said.

"That's good… I don't come without baggage of my own but, If you'd let me, I'd like to help you rebuild your life. I'm hoping to find a new relationship after the collapse of my marriage. I need someone kind and loving… No pressure but the woman who turned my world upside down at Patty's party might want to save me and Alice as much as I want to save her."

I could feel the onset of more nascent tears forming as Greg's words sank in.

"I think she very well might, but you honestly don't care that under this pink jogging suit and long blond hair, there's someone who used to be a man?"

"I see no evidence of a man in you Lexi."

Greg leaned closer and kissed my cheek. It was a chaste kiss, one of kindness and compassion but it made my heart flutter like no other kiss I'd ever felt."

"Greg will you take me to the cottage, it's just along here by the old sycamore. I need to get a shower and change into something warm."

"Of course I will sweetheart… May I call you sweetheart?"

"I'd like that." I said.

Greg started his car and edged slowly towards the cottage. The light in the window still burned and I felt a stab of compassion for Natalie, she was suffering as much as I had been.

I closed my eyes as Greg started to talk. His voice was gentle, resonating with a deep that seemed to resonate with his inner strength:

"Jenny, my ex, and I were caught up in a battle over the custody of Alice and the split of our joint home. She eventually came up with a proposition: I could have Alice if she could have the house. So I grabbed the chance with both hands and have full custody of the most wonderful little daughter in the world, but I'm reduced to living with Patty until I can get myself sorted."

"I'm so pleased that you put little Alice first. Jenny sounds like a… a heartless…"

"I think 'bitch' is the word you're searching for but are far too nice to say."

"Well yes, how could a mother bargain her own child away for some bricks and mortar?… I always wanted children but Natalie was too driven with ambition for her business to make me a father."

"Do you see yourself as a father or…"

"Oh definitely a mother… now that I can finally accept who I really am." I could sense, if not see, Greg's smile as he squeezed my fingers.

"Good, that's absolutely the correct answer." He said as he turned the car into the driveway and stopped. There was a moment of silence that seemed to stretch on and on and then Natalie appeared at the cottage door.

"Go and talk to her." Greg said. So I slipped out of the car's warmth into the sharp cut of the wind and felt myself starting to shiver again.

"I'm so sorry… forgive me." Natalie said. She held out her arms for me. and I moved closer. Under the lights from the window I could see that her face was still wet with tears.

"Me too." I hugged her fiercely. "Can we still be sisters?"

"Oh please yes Lexi… forever sisters."

Greg got out of the car and gently lifted Alice from her child seat. She was still sleepy as Greg held her floppy shape in his arms.

"Would you like to hold her?" He said to me.

"Oh I would, more than anything." I replied and took the still sleeping child in my arms. "How old is she?"
"Three and a bit… Let's get her inside out of the wind."

Inside I put Alice on the sofa and knelt down. I sat on my heels facing her.

"Hello sweetheart… still sleepy?"

Alice nodded and smiled at me. I'm sure she had no idea who I was but even so she seemed to instinctively trust me. I hoped she did.

"Go and get your shower Lexi, you're starting to shiver." Greg said. I nodded in agreement; the exhausting run, the cold and wet and the emotion of discovering Greg and his lovely daughter had taken a toll, both physical and emotional.

As I stood, I waved my fingers to Alice who mirrored my action. Her tiny finger wave was enough to elicit a broad smile from me as I headed for the welcoming warmth of the shower.
 
 

 
Back in my room I dressed in jeans, slipped into my bra and pulled on my cashmere sweater over a cotton top. As I towelled my damp hair, I saw the teddy bear watching me with obvious intent. I could almost hear him speak. His words suggested that he was destined to be loved by the little girl in the other room. I picked him up and went back into the sitting room.

Natalie had made coffee and hot chocolate for Alice. I took my drink and sat cross legged on the floor with the bear in my lap.

"So Alice, I have a friend here who'd like to say hello to you."

Alice scrambled down from the sofa and padded over to me. She took the bear in her arms and then made herself comfortable in my lap as I gently rocked back and forth.

"Are you going to thank Aunt Lexi for your bear?" Greg said.

Alice nodded and moving her lips close to my ear whispered 'Thankyou.'

"You're welcome." I whispered back.

"Have you both eaten yet? I thought we might go hunting for a restaurant somewhere."

Greg's words brought me back from my reverie. I realised that I had eaten nothing since lunch and was quite hungry. After a brief negotiation, Natalie declined to accompany us saying that she would make herself an omelette or something.

I think she could see that Greg would prefer to have me all to himself. I think I could see that too.

Eventually Greg, Alice and myself found ourselves ensconced at a corner table at 'Maxine's' near the river on Ashford High Street. We had pasta and fruit salad. The corner seat was a leather bench and I found myself hemmed in with Greg close on one side and Alice squashing herself and her bear close to me on the other. When we had finished eating Alice slipped her tiny hand into mine. I felt strangely as if I had finally found my way home. It seemed to me that all my life I had been searching for something and finally, here it was.

I looked out of the window into the night where the river bent close to the road. Now that the rain had passed, there was a wonderful unblemished purity of winter starlight over the dark water, and the air seemed full of angel voices singing a frosty serenade.

I squeezed Alice's fingers as I spoke

"Have you thought of a name for your bear yet?"

"Oh yes…"

"Well, are you going to tell me?"

Alice giggled… "It's Marmalade."

"Marmalade that's wonderful."

"Of course." Alice said.

Greg leaned against me, his lips close to my ear.

"If you don't mind, I think, I'd like to kiss you… Would that be OK?"

"Yes please…" I said.

I lifted my lips to him and Greg turned his face and softly kissed me. I pressed my mouth against his lips as he pulled me, very lightly and gently holding me against him. I felt his lips, gradually relax and take me into them with tenderness and love. All the while I could feel Alice watching us.

Children seem to have a heightened level of intuition, they seem able to quickly see to the heart of the matter. Maybe their minds are still uncluttered by insecurities, conflicts and the 'what ifs' that can stop an adult in her tracks.

When Greg finally released me, breathless, insecure, trembling, and yet burning inside, Alice kneeled on the seat beside me, taking my arm she whispered in my ear.

"Aunt Lexi…" Her words were shy and hesitant. "I have a secret."

"Can you tell me?" I whispered back. Alice nodded. "Then tell me sweetheart."

"I'd like you to be my mummy." she said, her words came as little more than a rustle of breath, a flutter of butterfly wings but their effect on me was like an earthquake.

My eyes flooded and I held the lovely child in my arms and kissed her.

"Me too." I whispered.

"What are you two conspiring about?" Greg said.

I wiped my eyes. hoping that he had not seen my tears or felt the tremble in my body.

"One day I'll tell you; but not yet… It's too soon."

After taking me back to the cottage, Greg turned the car and set off with his precious daughter on the drive back to Greenbank. I stood under the bright starlight watching for a long time as the lights of his car disappeared into the night. I already ached for him… for both of them.

Natalie was still up when I got back. Despite the ice between us having been broken, it was clear that our relationship had shifted onto different ground.

"You had a nice time with Greg?"

"It was lovely… Natalie, I've decided to come off the fence and accept the obvious truth. I'll be a woman from now on."

"I think that has been inevitable for a while now."

"With your… 'help'." My words were not meant unkindly but Natalie responded with a defence of her 'help'.

"What I did Lexi was from a place of love."

I smiled at my 'sister' "OK I'd like to believe that… I choose to believe that but things have changed… Natalie, there's something that I have to ask you."

"Go ahead, ask."

"Natalie… will you divorce me?"

I saw tears well in her eyes.

"I don't want to lose you from my life Lexi, but if it's what you want then yes, I'll agree to a no fault divorce, a split with no acrimony so that we can both follow our separate… romantic lives. I can see now that you and Greg were born to be together. I should never have sent him that text."

"I'm happy that you did, it brought us together."

"In my defence I can only say that I didn't want you to build a relationship based on a misunderstanding."

"OK… the matter is closed. I think I need my bed; there's a lot for me to do over the next few days."

"Such as?"

"Well I need to put my transition onto a sound medical footing. I intend formally changing my identity to Lexi Middleton… I don't even know how to go about doing that."

"I'll help you as much as I can sister."

"Thanks Natalie, I think I'm going to need some help… I'll be dressing as Lexi all the time, from now on, including at work, so I'll need to adjust my wardrobe… In fact I want to erase what's left of Alex altogether."

"Trust me, there's not much of Alex left in you… especially after tonight."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know what Greg did to you tonight but you've returned as… as a new woman."

I smiled and headed for my room.

Over the weekend, I shopped mostly for Lexi style work clothes and then relaxed and thought of Greg and Alice. Natalie was to be found in her studio but we came together for meals and soon relaxed again into our shared sisterhood.

The next few working days were busy. I was adapting to my new position at work and found Katie Walters a lovely person to work for. My new appearance was accepted by most with a friendly matter-of-fact acceptance that I was now Lexi. There were a couple of older men who seemed to be avoiding me and only one poor soul who showed any hostility and taunted my transition as a perversion. I managed to ignore him, but with my growing confidence, I felt that I might have to finally confront him. If either of us was destined to be embarrassed, it was not going to be me.

I took a little time off and saw my doctor about my transition. I was given blood tests and subjected to a mild finger wagging for 'self administering' oestrogen. An appointment was made to see a specialist endocrinologist and we discussed the options of surgical intervention if that was a path I wished to take in the future.

Natalie found the forms I needed for my change of Identity which seemed a simpler process than I feared. So my life as a woman seemed nicely on track; until I tried to call Greg. I had put off calling him, not wanting to seem too 'needy'… even I was.

I tried to contact him several times over the day but his number bounced back as 'unobtainable.' Starting to worry, I tried emailing him but still got no response, just a bleak silence as if he'd disappeared off the face of the Earth.

The last contact I had had with him was when he got back home from visiting me. I was just drifting off to sleep when his call woke me. It was close to midnight and he just called to say that he and Alice had got home safe and that he had enjoyed the evening. He reminded me that I was in his thoughts and looked forward to driving down again. At the restaurant we had made a date for the following Saturday. He would pick me up and then we'd drive up to Scotland to collect Patty and Alice. The plan was that we'd spend the night with his Aunt Jane and drive home on Sunday.

Eventually I sent emails and none of them got a response and by mid week I was starting to panic. When I got home that evening, I got Patty's number from Natalie and called her to see she knew anything:

"Hi Patty… sorry to trouble you… It's Lexi… I've been trying to contact Greg, without any success… Do you know anything?"

"Lexi, good to hear from you… So Greg's not taking your calls or what?"

"I just haven't been able to get through to him… not by phone or email."

"I've not spoken to him since he left to drive back to Greenbank. I know he's head over heels in love with you… I've never known him so smitten, so there's absolutely no way he'd be blanking you… but now I'm starting to get worried… could he have had an accident on the drive back?"

"I really don't know Patty… If there had been a car accident surely the police would have been in touch with you."

"You'd think so… Look I'm going to hang up and make some calls to the emergency services, I'll start with the police. Try not to worry Lexi, I'm sure that big lug of ours will be fine… I'll call you back soon."

"OK…"

Natalie was standing by me and had picked up on the conversation.

"I'm sure Greg will be fine. I bet there's some simple explanation."

She gave me one of her big sister hugs and to be honest, I needed it as a fluttering nervousness made me feel weak and nauseous.

"You look pale sweetheart, I think there's some brandy leftover somewhere, I'll get you a glass."

When Natalie returned from her search, I took the glass in my trembling hands and gulped at the burning liquid. My desperate fear that Greg had rejected me was now replaced by a greater fear that he was badly injured. My imagination saw him in a ditch crushed by the weight of an overturned car, unseen and undiscovered for days… could he even survive that in the winter?

I was dragged back from my worst fears by the ring of my phone. It's jarring tone made me jump and it fell from my trembling fingers. I scrabbled to pick it up.

"Hello… Patty?"

"Yes, it's me… Look, nothing's been confirmed yet but the police have an unidentified male who fits Greg's description. He's in a Peterborough hospital… in a coma."

"My god, no."

"Don't panic Lexi… it may not even be Greg… The police have been trying to identify him and are going to email a photo of him to me… should get it anytime now. Seems they think he… the man, was mugged. He had no wallet, no other ID. He'd been left on the side of the road. I gave the police Greg's car number and they'll try to locate it."

"Patty… how badly hurt is this man?… is he?…"

"Now don't go imagining the worst… I can take care of all the worrying we need to do. The hospital doesn't think his injuries are life threatening but they won't know If… his brain… you know… until he wakes… Look Lexi, get Natalie to hold your hand, I'll call you back when I get the photo."

Natalie held me.

"I heard most of that… Drink your brandy sweetheart, things are never as bad as they seem."

It was less than half an hour when Patty called me again:

"Lexi… I got the photo, it's definitely Greg…"

"OK."

"He looks pale and bruised, there's a cut on his forehead…"

I heard Patty sob, and knew that it was my turn to offer her some comfort.

"I have the feeling that he'll be fine, Patty. Over the short time I've known him I've seen that he's got a deep core of inner strength… No way will he give in without a fight… He's got Alice to recover for. Alice and you."

"Yes I suppose I know that… he's got you to recover for too… Look, I'm stuck up here in Aberfoyle. I've got no access to a car… I'd have to bus into Stirling to get a train and they're beyond unreliable these days… I don't know what to do but I'm desperate to get to Greg… I need to be at my brother's side."

"I'll come and get you Patty, you and Alice, it's the least that I can do."

"But it's so far… I can't ask you to drive all that way."

"Patty, it's not a problem… If I set off now I'll be with you by first light and we can get back to Peterborough by mid morning. Text me your address; I've got Sat Nav in the mini so I'll easily find you."

"I can't let you do this Lexi."

"Yes you can… Listen Patty, I fully intend to marry your brother one day… he doesn't know that yet but he will… That will make you my sister-in-law. In my book that's family and family goes the extra mile for each other… have you got that sister?"

"Yes, yes."

I could hear Patty's sobs and my heart went out to her.

Natalie, who had been listening, held out her hand.

"Give me the phone Lexi." She said.

"Patty, this is Natalie… listen darling, keep hold of your courage, keep Alice safe and know that help is coming. I won't let Lexi drive all that way on her own, I'll come too and we can share the driving."

"OK, that sounds better, I can live with that."

"Right, we'll be with you before you know it."
 
 

 
Natalie ended the call and turned to me, her arms held wide for an embrace.

"Thank you for that Natalie… I couldn't ask you to come but despite what I said to Patty, the drive on my own was a daunting prospect."

"It's what sisters do."

We hugged again and were soon on our way threading through the dark lanes towards the Motorway. By the time we had filled with petrol and reached the motorway it was already ten o'clock.

Natalie took the first stint while I tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to sleep. At least I was able to close my eyes and rest. We stopped at Wetherby Services for petrol and some hot food and coffee and I took over the driving duties following the car's directions. My estimation of the journey time had been reasonably accurate. As we drove into the mainstreet of Aberfoyle, it was a little after seven in the morning. The winter sky was still inky black, no sign yet of the early light over the frosty streets.

A tearful Patty came out to meet us, she hugged me and then Natalie. Alice ran out behind her aunt and lept into my arms. I'm not sure if she quite understood what had happened to her father but seemed a little subdued but happy to see me again. We had a quick pit stop. Natalie and I both desperately needed to use the facilities and then, with freshly washed faces we ate eggs and toast with hot milky tea provided by Patty's lovely, apple cheeked and grey haired, Aunt Jane. We were soon back in the faithful little car again.

The mini had no child seat so I sat in the back with Alice held tight and safe in my arms. Natalie and Patty took turns to drive. By mid morning we arrived at the hospital and were taken to see Greg. Alice was left in Natlaie's care while Patty and I were taken by a nurse into Greg's room. It was a shock to see his face, pale and grey. He was breathing on his own but each breath was raspy as if it came at a great effort.

"The doctor will come and speak to you shortly." The nurse said. Patty took Greg's hand and spoke gently.

"We're here darling Patty and Lexi… It's time to wake up now… come back to us brother."

There was nothing from Greg, no twitch of muscle, no glimmer of an expression. Patty turned to me.

"Lexi… Kiss him." She said. "He told me that when you kissed it was like an electric shock running through him… maybe your kiss will jolt him back."

I was sceptical that anything I might do would have any impact on Greg's condition. The emotional response to a kiss, as far as I understood it, needed an awareness of who was kissing and the firing of millions of little sensory and emotional triggers. But I wanted to kiss Greg, for my own selfish reasons and I lowered my face close to him.

"Darling it's me Lexi… I need you to wake up… we have a life to live together and it's hardly just begun. I need your kiss Darling, more than anything."

I pressed my lips to his as my fingers gently cradled his bruised face. I felt the familiar tremble run through me as I pressed my lips harder against Greg's.

"Lexi, my god his eyelids are fluttering."

I held onto the kiss and I too could feel something profound, that earthquake of emotion that had assaulted me before.

"Greg, my darling, wake up now… we need you… Alice needs you." I said as my lips finally broke free.

There was a choking splutter of air and Greg's eye's opened. Somewhere in the distance an alarm bell went off and the nurse who had shown us into Greg's room returned. She was making some adjustment to the electronic device that I imagined was monitoring his condition as a doctor came into the room. He checked Greg's eyes for a pupil reflex with a small torch.

"Mr Hume… can you hear me?"

Greg made a faint nodding motion.

"That's excellent." He turned to Patty and me. "Ladies, if I could ask to go to the waiting room for a moment while I examine Mr Hume."

So with waves of relief crashing over us, we found our way to the waiting room where Natalie and Alice were sitting together along with a handful of other lost souls waiting for their loved ones.

"His eyes have opened." Patty said… "Lexi did it with a kiss."

"I think it was just a coincidence." I said.

"I beg to differ Lexi… I saw what I saw."

"So Lexi, you kissed him and he woke up… like sleeping beauty." Natalie said.

"Nothing like that at all… well maybe." I mumbled.

Once the doctor had departed we spent more time with Greg. He was talking now, aware of his surroundings but still confused. He had no memory of what had happened to him but he remembered his sister, his daughter, Natalie and… me. He remembered me and all that our fledgling relationship meant to us both. All four of us sat around Grg's bed. Alice chose to sit on my knee which was nice. Patty watched us, saw the easy caring relationship that we already shared.

"I think Alice has finally found her real mother." Patty said as she took my arm. I had cried too many tears already over the past hours, but her words drew a few more from me.

The doctor told us that Greg had suffered serious injuries. There was kidney damage and several broken ribs as well as the concussion. Greg would have to spend more time in hospital but it was decided that he would be moved closer to home and they were negotiating a bed for him at Greenbank General.

The doctor suggested that the police would be in contact with Patty but that he could bring us up to date on what had happened. It seemed that he had been mugged after buying petrol. A witness described to the police that a couple of hooded teenagers had knocked Greg aside and jumped into the car. As they tried to drive off Greg leapt in front of the car in an effort to stop them. He was run over. It seems that the muggers got out of the car and while Greg lay unconscious. They took his wallet, leaving him without identification and then drove off. The car had been found burned out some twenty miles away from the scene of the mugging. So far, there were no identified suspects.

We were all left stunned by what we heard. Patty made a call to her Aunt Jane censoring all but the happier news that Greg was recovering. We spent more time that day with Greg but he was still sedated and mostly wanted to sleep so by early afternoon Natalie and I drove home after dropping Patty and Alice at Greenbank.

I slept away most of Sunday morning and then drove up to Greenbank. Greg had been moved to the General overnight, so I took Patty and Alice to see him. Laden with flowers and fruit we entered his room. He was looking better but had developed a rather nasty cough. Alice was not allowed to go in and Patty and I took turns to sit by his bed. We had to wear masks and sanitise our hands when we left his room. It seemed that on top of his internal injuries he had contracted a respiratory bacterial infection which was proving to be antibiotic resistant.

Patty suggested that I might like to move in with her and Alice at her Greenbank house until Greg had recovered. This seemed sensible so I called work and explained my situation. As always Miss Jones was understanding but emphasised that I could be spared for only a couple of weeks, after that, if I was not able to return then 'new arrangements' would be needed. I loved my job, especially the new opportunity that had been offered to me, but my life now was deeply entwined with Greg and his recovery. If I had to lose my job then so be it.

Greg had been so weakened by all that had happened to him that the infection had reduced him to battling for his survival once again. Over the days Patty and I were warned that Greg was simply not responding. Finally it was suggested that, if we were able to cope with his care, that it might be better if he came home. A district nurse would be on hand for regular follow ups and doctors would be on call if an emergency arose.

On hearing this Patty and I tearfully held each other. It seemed to us that he was being sent home to die in peace in the arms of those who loved him. After nights of turmoil and anguished discussion. We finally agreed that Greg should come home. When Aunt Jane heard what was happening she offered her home as a tranquil haven. If Greg was going to recover then he needed the sort of peace, fresh air and good food that Aberfoyle could offer.

It seemed to make sense to us. Aberfoyle had always been a special place for Greg and Patty as children. They often spent Christmas there among the snow and coloured light of the High Street. We talked to Greg about this, avoiding the darker meaning of his move from hospital. He seemed attracted to the idea of recuperating in Aberfoyle. So, despite what might be an arduous journey for Greg, the decision was made.

I called Argosy, explained what was happening and said that they should find a replacement for me. I had enough savings to last a couple of months if I was frugal. After that… well without Greg I could envision no future anyway. I managed to convince Patty that I should accompany Greg to Aberfoyle. Patty had a good well paid job and there was absolutely no point in us both being out of work. We agreed that I should take Alice, my Mini was now equipped with a child's seat so she would be kept safe. Greg had a foldable wheelchair which fitted in the Mini's boot. The journey to Aberfoyle was done in stages over two days with hotel stops overnight. If not for Greg's condition which he bravely tried to hide, it might have been like a mini-break.

At Aberfoyle we were warmly greeted by Aunt Jane. It was just a week before Christmas and festive lights were hung along the streets. Already a flurry of snow was gathering on the rooftops. We helped Greg into his wheelchair and wheeled him into the bedroom. To my surprise Aunt Jane had given us a room together complete with a double bed. There was a small bed for Alice in the same room. Greg was in no condition to make love, indeed our physical relationship had not progressed beyond kissing but we could hold each other in the night, give each other comfort and I needed nothing more.

That first night sharing a bed with Greg, I could not tell him how frightened I was for his future. My arms held him as gently as possible; he seemed so fragile as if all his life had gone from him leaving just a delicate framework of the man he used to be. In the darkness, I felt myself sink into the hollowness of his despair. But then in the morning light that shimmered with snowy whiteness, when he smiled unexpectedly at me, it made him suddenly look so handsome again. I kissed him, twining our fingers together as Alice joined us in our bed.

As Christmas drew closer, Greg seemed to sink deeper into his sadness. Snow had been falling in soft, delicate feathers, settling on the slate-blue roofs. We had struggled to eat Aunt Jane's hearty breakfast and sipping the last of his tea, Greg sat in his wheelchair, wrapped in a duvet. He looked longingly out of the window.

"I'd love to go and run in the snow, make snowballs and build a snowman for Alice… Will you wheel me out onto the porch? I'd like to at least feel the snow on my cheek… one last time."

"There will be many more times when you're well again" I said. Greg just smiled his achingly sad smile.

I felt Greg's hands, they were warm under the duvet. His body was still. But then, with an enormous effort of will, he inched himself up in his chair and said:

"So when I'm well again… will you marry me?"

"I will." I said. "Of course I will. Need you even ask?"

Then as a dark cloud of realisation drifted over him he said:

"Promise me this Lexi, whatever happens, you will always be Alice's mother… don't let her go back to Jenny."

I broke into tears and knelt down, my head resting on Greg's knees.

"Always, no matter what. I promise you that I love Alice; she will forever be my daughter."

Greg smiled at me, it was the saddest smile I have ever seen.

"I'm starting to feel a little cold… maybe I should go back inside."

I wheeled Greg back into the kitchen-warmth of an open fire. Jane turned her sad eyes to me and I could tell what she was thinking. Thoughts that were too hard for her to put spoken words to. I took her warm wrinkled hand for a moment and kissed her cheek.

"I know." I whispered.

Then I took my daughter by her hand.

"Can we go out into the snow, mummy?" she said.

"OK Darling, let's get you wrapped up warm."

I bundled my daughter up in her bright red puffer jacket with a bobble hat, rubber boots and mittens and took her out into the snow. She ran and jumped with excitement, her cheeks glowing red. We made a snowman with a carrot for its nose and Aunt Jane's old straw hat to keep his head nice and warm. I could see Greg watching from the window, a sad smile on his face and I took Alice back inside and when I had stripped her of her outdoor clothes, I told her to go and give her daddy a cuddle.

I went back outside and took a handful of snow. My ungloved hands felt the sharp coldness bite into my fingers as I tossed the snow into the air and watched it disappear into nothingness. It seemed to be a metaphor for my life.

Across the snow-heavy Pines, I could hear the soft murmur of gathering wind. Its voice was mournful, reflective of my despair. I stood silently with my eyes focussed on the far distance. Before me I could see an expanse of virgin whiteness, still and smooth and silent. I stood for a long time. Until my vision was lost to a blur of tears and I cried and cried and cried.
 
 

 
 
 
 

 

More than a year has slid away since that day. As someone long ago almost said: It was the worst of my days, it was the best of my days. The best of my days because, beyond all expectation, Greg did not die. Wrapped in his family's love. He struggled through his physical and emotional trauma and finally emerged whole.

By the Summer he was able to return to work at BlackRook Software. They welcomed him back to his old job as a senior software engineer. He has not yet fully recovered but his health continues to improve day by day. We have moved into my grandfather's old house and are slowly, slowly renovating it.

I now work as a freelance journalist for several outlets including Argosy who were delighted to welcome me back into the fold. My new career allows me to work from home most of the time. This fits in well with my new role as wife and mother. Patty and I have become as close as real sisters, not just the in-law version. She is always happy to babysit when the need arises.

My joy, apart from my lovely husband, is my wonderful daughter Alice. My heart melts every time she calls me 'Mummy'. I have formally changed my gender and name. So now I'm Lexi Middleton, but even that is due to change soon. Now that I am formally divorced from Natalie, Greg and I are to be married in the Spring. My name will change again to Lexi Hume and I don't intend it to ever change again.

Natalie and I are still friends though we have drifted apart. She has found herself a man at last. He is a wealthy marketing executive and with his investment Kitty's Whiskers has quickly expanded. The label is starting to gain international recognition. I am no longer needed as her model and when the mood catches me I still rather miss those exciting days.

Natalie is in the process of shifting her operation to upmarket premises in London. I wish her well but I would not swap one day of my life with Greg and Alice for all her success. Our worlds have diverged beyond recognition. I suspect that Natalie's busy life means she has little time to think of me much these days. To be honest, that's just fine. Our cottage is currently for sale and my memories of it are filled mostly with fondness. But those days now seem to belong to a different lifetime, a different universe.