“Hey now, it’s all right buddy.” Riley said as I was smudging my face into her chest. As I pulled back from the embrace I looked up into Riley’s comforting blue eyes and steady myself once again.

“I’m starting to feel that this might be a little more than a poorly planned ruse to participate in a dota tournament. Just know that I will always be there for you, my little friend. Jason or Emily, whatever floats your boat”

She ended her uplifting words with a little wink. But honestly, I had no idea how to respond.

While she was definitely right in a way. It was very hard to talk about something you could barely even understand yourself. Like what would I even tell her? That looking at this version of myself made me feel happier than normal? That should have been quite obvious. But I can’t just suddenly become another person. Emily, how unfortunate it might be, isn't actually real. This person I’m looking at in the mirror is just a fake. A better version of reality, but not reality itself.

“Thank you so much,” I said to Riley. While I still had no idea where this whole thing was going to go. I knew how lucky I was to have her on my side. But before I could elaborate on any of this a voice came calling upstairs.

“Are you girls ready to go?”

“Just 5 more minutes!” Riley yelled in response to her dad almost immediately. She looked back towards me with a slight smile. “Now let’s fix up that beautiful face of yours real quick, those darn emotions have smudged your makeup.” All I could do was give her a small nod as she walked me back over the mirror where she quickly fixed her handywork.

It’s just a trip to the mall, it doesn't mean anything right? Sure, I might be dressed a little differently but it is all to prepare for the tournament. The fact that Riley is a fashion expert just made this whole thing look a little too real. Like, I never really cared about the way I look and it’s just a bit much difference compared to normal. And who wouldn’t like looking at a good looking girl in the mirror, even if that's technically you.

“All fixed up! Now let’s go have some girl time together Emily.” Riley said while performing a cheeky wink.

***

Stepping out of the car into the chilly parking lot the car window slowly rolled down.

Greg’s deep yet welcoming voice emerged from the car. “I will be picking you galls up in about three hours from now. Be good!” And with that, the car slowly started its engines as it steadily pulled away. Insanely aware of the way I was currently dressed I was constantly scanning my surroundings. Trying to make sure there was nobody who could possibly recognize me, and who sent me even deeper into the pit of social destitution. Before all the anxiety ghosts could really get to me though, a surprisingly soft sounding Riley motioned me to follow her.

“It’s all going to be completely fine buddy, just trust me on this one. After we did the first makeover stunt I got so hyped I did something completely crazy, preparation. I have everything planned out for a wholesome girls night out with my best bud emmy, all you have to do is go with the flow and fun”

Trying to hold my composure I nodded along. While normally I would definitely have made some kinda snarky remark about Riley’s impulsiveness, on this night that wasn’t even close to the top of my mind.

As we crossed the barrier into the heated, and brightly lit Shamesbury Mall an excited Riley stepped up in front of me. “Now listen close bestie, before the real fun begins we need to get you some drip of your own.” “Drip?” I questioned as I tilted my head slightly trying to understand Riley’s colorful vocabulary.

“Drip yes, or also more commonly known as clothes in your hometown of doofusville. I got some great shops lined up where we can get you some cool looking outfits that will impress all the other girls on your team”

She quickly moved behind me to give a gentle little shove to me in the direction of our first stop. All I could think of however was the way Riley just formulated that sentence. ‘The other girls’ Why did that feel so… comforting?

We walked into a small local clothing boutique that wasn’t very familiar to me. To be brutally honest I wasn’t really familiar with any clothing store around here. Simply for the reason that I always ordered clothing online instead of shopping in person. Once I figured out my size it was just easier to order a bunch of the same hoodies and jeans that I knew worked for me.

Riley took me through the clothing racks and wooden stands scattered around the small space. Handing my loads of different pieces of clothing, all seemingly completely different in style. Eventually I ended up with a black jumpsuit, some kind of light silvery coated pair of jeans, a pink billowing blouse and even a pair of brown leather ankle boots. “Let’s get you started with this, it should be exactly on the line between casual and sophisticated we are looking for when making a first impression.”

I looked around for a dressing room, only for my eyes to accidentally lock with those of the saleswoman roaming the store. As a smartly dressed woman in her early 40s slowly made her way in my direction, I instantly felt dread decent all around me. Averting my eyes down towards the ground immediately I tried to avoid confrontation, through my ears one could still hear her coming closer however. With every step she took, thousands of scenarios were racing through my mind. All of them involving her confronting me about why there is a dude dressed as a girl in her store.

“Riley! Good to see you. Who is this beautiful friend of yours?” As my early onset panic attack swiftly ended I looked up towards the women who now stood besides me. “Hi Mia, Emily here has finally allowed me to help her get a little bit of a style upgrade.”

“Well, with a face like that, it would be very hard for her to look bad no matter the clothes” Mia said as she whipped up a little smile. A smile that hadn’t registered with me at all, since I was still baffled that she hadn’t seen through my disguise. Quickly channeling my inner Emily voice I attempted to keep up the ruse.

“Uhm, yeah. I normally just let my parents order me things online. But Riley always said I should be a bit more daring with my clothing choices. And I guess I allowed her to drag me over here after all.”

I really hoped that my voice worked as well in person as did online, and wonder behold, it did. As Mia didn’t seem to be caught off guard at all and responded in a friendly manner.

“Well, Riley brought you to exactly the right place, Emily. And I can see she has found some very fashionable pieces for you already. However, I think I might have something special that would work even better that just came in today. Just give me one quick second to grab it for you two.”

As Mia made her way to the back of the store, I made a swift glance towards Riley who shot back at me with a very familiar face of ‘I told you so’ and a little bit of smug glee right behind that. But before I could respond in any way, the door to the back of the store had already opened. Walking through the door was Mia carrying a yellow dress with a slight white striped pattern. Confronted with a piece of clothing that screamed femininity being brought out specifically for me should have made me feel anxious or at least a bit ridiculous. Instead of that however. there was a feeling of excitement as I saw the yellow garment being prepared for me. For a split second I was imagining myself wearing the dress, only to be rudely awakened when I saw my own ugly face on top of that figure that looked so beautiful before.

Riley’s eyes grew two times as big as she looked up to the woman “Ooooh, that’s an amazing dress you got there Mimi. It’s just that I’m not sure if Emily is a dress kind of person. You see nor…”

“Il try it!” I quickly interrupted. Honestly I had no idea why, but something about that dress just really pulled me in once I removed my own face from the fantasy.

Riley tilted her head slightly while lowering her eyebrows in an inquisitive manner. “Are you sure?”

As soon as she said that I noticed a certain smugness appearing behind those deep blue eyes of hers. Almost like she was impressed with my boldness while challenging me to see it through. Accepting the challenge I quickly snatched the dress from Mia’s hands. “Of course, the fashion expert did call it an awesome dress after all”

Keeping my head up high I took all the clothes into the fitting room and tried them one by one. And while trying on clothes in a fitting room should be a completely mundane experience, in this case it was actually quite invigorating. Almost like I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do, like I was eating from the forbidden fruit. A forbidden fruit that tasted amazing that is.

I started off with the two outfits Riley had already prepared for me. Showing them both off to two supportive women waiting for me outside the fitting room was like walking into a warm shower after a grueling workout. To feel the tension build up as you are pulling the outfit piece by piece, all coming together for the grand reveal in the mirror by the end. Only to be rewarded by compliments and confidence as I could actually see a good looking girl meeting my eyes in the mirror. Or a good looking boy pretending to be a woman I guess.

The pièce de résistance of this whole show however, was yet to come. For in my mind there was no more feminine piece of clothes than a long yellow sundress, and that was exactly what I was lowering down over my body right now. With no mirror present in the fitting room itself it was pure guessing if I was pulling this off, or if my masculine core would finally be revealed as I stepped out from behind the curtain.

Riley lifted her hand while pointing with her index finger at me while I stepped out back into the store. “That look is fire”

And looking in the mirror for the third time in quick succession I instantly knew exactly what she meant with that statement. Looking back at me was exactly what I would call the girl of my dreams.

***

Carrying 2 bags containing Emily's first wardrobe of her own, we said our goodbyes to Mia proceeding on our expedition through the jungle of capitalism. For a second I was thinking about the bootcamp next week and how the girls would react to finally meeting me as a person. And for the first time it wasn’t just dread that found its way into my brain, but also little specs of excitement as I could actually visualize myself as a girl wearing the outfits I was currently carrying with me. But before I could really enter my mind palace a more primal feeling pulled back to the present as a grumbling tummy loudly announcing its presence.

“Flippin hell, did I just hear your stomach demand our full attention?” Riley lifted her chin to a good view of the wayfinder signs above us. “Just follow me, and allow me relief your stomachs suffering through the magic of nutrition”

She quickly increased her pace and before we knew it we arrived at the mall's food court. Riley took her dad’s credit card from her purse “Let me treat you, what are you feeling like tonight?”

I scanned the different establishments locate around the food court until my eyes landed on a familiar sign reading ‘Just chips’

“I feel like I have already been trying a lot of new things today, so let’s just go with something I know for now. I'm dying for some good old just chips” I responded while making myself comfortable in one of the blue little plastic chairs scattered around the food court.

I set my bags down on the table and looked back up to my friend “But make sure you get the curly ones, you might say it’s bullshit be they really do taste better”

Riley rolled her eyes in exaggerated manner “We both now they are exactly the same, but we are not having that discussion again today”

As she made her way in the direction of ‘Just Chips’ I felt surprisingly at ease. Looking down at the outfit I was wearing and how this is all going way easier than I could have ever expected. Clothes really do maketh the man. Apart from the fact that it wasn't really ‘the man’ in this case.

“Uhm, excuse me” a familiar voice suddenly piped from behind me. I turned around being greeted by a tall brunette girl carrying a field hockey stick on her back of around the same age as me. But while the voice sounded eerily familiar, I was sure I had never seen this person's face before.

“Yeah, what's the matter?” I responded to the stranger still trying to place where I had heard her voice before.

The girl looked a bit anxious as she was fidgeting with the cord on her bag, not really making eye contact in the process. “This might be a weird question, but is your name Emily?”

Without even thinking, I affirmed her question. “Yes thats my name, do I know you from somew…”

Before I could even complete my sentence both of our brains suddenly came to the same conclusion as I felt a brick made of pure lead sink deep into my stomach.

“I knew I recognized your voice! Emily! It’s me, Rachel!”