So, I took a big step, personal-wise, a few days ago and met with a therapist to discuss and hopefully unravel the convoluted mess that is me.
I had been to see a therapist a couple of times many, many moons ago, when I first started trying to figure out where I truly belonged on the gender spectrum (if anywhere). Unfortunately, that particular provider was the sort who was all about jumping into the deep end of the pool.
She suggested, at first, that if I thought perhaps I was really trans, I should just out myself to my family and "see how they handle it". Which, honestly, scared the living shit out of me. I wanted to do more exploring my thoughts and feelings, as well as try to unpack the history of abuse I'd spent nearly two decades ignoring. Eventually, I was told that if I wasn't willing to "put in the work" (i.e. out myself) then I was obviously exactly where I belonged, gender-wise, and there was no use for further sessions.
Now, let me add that this was 1999-2000, and the resources available today were practically non-existent back then. At least, not in Redneckville, North Carolina. Dejected and ashamed, I simply repackaged my confusion and curiosity back into it's opaque box and shoved it away. Which, of course, has led to zero advancement in dealing with the most important question about myself: Who am I?
Flash forward twenty years. At the prodding of my spouse, I finally hunted around until I found a recommended therapist who checked off all my initial boxes. She is LGBTQIA+ supportive, specializes in childhood PTSD and SA, and (most importantly) takes my insurance. So, with sweaty palms and a nervous belly, I reached out to her. We conversed through email about the peripheral things. Those general "get to know you a little" introductions.
My first session with her was a completely different experience than I'd had with my prior therapist. There was no sense of being judged, only care and concern and an attentive ear. She asked questions only a few times, to get clarification on some things. The rest of the time, she sat there and let me dump a large portion of my childhood baggage on her floor to show her some of what she was going to have to work with. At the end of the hour, even though there had been a few tears, I felt like I had found someone who might be actually able to help me. I never really thought that might happen.
Sorry for the ramble. I just felt the need to share this and this site is one of the few safe places where I can do that.
~ Lily
Comments
Sharing is a good step
Sometimes we need to unload. And a first step on an unknown surface is scary as all heck. Breathe and try to take the next step.
Hugs
Thank you.
I appreciate the support.
*hugs*
~Lily
"All that we see or seem, Is but a dream within a dream." Edgar Allen Poe
Most of the time, it's not a
Most of the time, it's not a "licensed therapist" you really need. It's someone who'll listen to you, and ask a few questions, and just let you try to work through things on your own. Thus the whole bartender as therapist thing.
It's just that therapists are supposed to be trained _to_ listen, and how to help you come to your own realizations (the Socratic method), rather than be Jung at heart, and just a Freud. (use an 'a' sound)
I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.
This time
I think I may have found someone who's interested in "hearing" me first before trying to "help" me. It was only the first session and there's a lot to sort through, but I came away feeling better for once.
*hugs*
~Lily
"All that we see or seem, Is but a dream within a dream." Edgar Allen Poe
Well what you need
is not to have me telling you what you need.
"Oh, you're a sexual abuse survivor? Well my mom made me
eat BRUSSEL SPROUTS, so I can tell you, the main thing is...
And here, have a facile little aphorism I read on a bumper sticker-"
But I'm glad you found someone you feel you can work with.
Feeling safe + unjudged when baring one's soul seems like a huge part of it.
(Some therapists are abuse specialists, others specialize in abuse...)
And as far as rambling, this was a good ramble and I don't see
any need to apologize. This is generally a pretty safe place,
and there's some here I have great supportive friendships
with and get wonderful support + some good advice from
mostly in private messages, 'cuz I'm paranoid as fuck.
~hugs, Veronica
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
Genuine Concern
When I started unpacking some of my past, she encouraged me to only go at a pace that I felt comfortable and that I could stop and breathe or just stop altogether if I started feeling overwhelmed. The biggest problem is that when you've pushed stuff down as deep inside yourself as you can, bringing it back up reminds you of things you had completely forgotten.
I do love that this is a safe, understanding space. Right now, those seem to be in short supply in the world.
Thanks for your support, hon! ^.^
~ Lily
"All that we see or seem, Is but a dream within a dream." Edgar Allen Poe