“There should be enough nappies,” Bern fussed passing Mum Drea's changing bag.
“I'm sure we'll cope,” Mum told her.
“Be a good girl for your Aunts Drea.”

Her daughter just giggled from her car seat, now installed in the back of the A Klasse.

“She'll be fine Bernie, I'll call when I know what time we'll be back.”
“Thank's for doing this Bern,” I added.
“Its what friends do right, see you later.”

Mum restarted the car and we slowly bounced out of the Preiser's yard.

“Wave to Mummy,” I suggested to the small child in the back.

I waved to her mum through the window before quickly closing the glass, its not pleasant out there. When I looked behind me the miniature Michelin Man was happily playing with her dolly, oblivious to being seperated from her mother.
 
As you know, I'm not a fan of Mum's driving, she can be a bit, shall we say, fast which meant that as soon as we were out of the farm she had the pedal to the metal and I was gripping my seat trying not to show my fear. Its not that she's erratic exactly and to the best of my knowledge she's never had an accident but I prefer more measured progress, especially on the country lanes. We were soon out on the autobahn and chasing a Porsche along lane three north towards Köln, our destination actually in Bruhl.

Our destination turned out to be a small warehouse on one of those typically half built trading estates that every town and village thinks it needs these days.

“You sure this is it?” I queried looking out at the non-descript grey shed.
“Rot Media, these set ups rarely advertise themselves,” Mum opined.
“Whatever, well lets get on with it.”
 
A couple of minutes later, me with the nappy bag and Mum toting the baby seat we stood in the reception area. You'd think they'd have examples of their work on the walls but nada, you'd think it was a council office, all beige and functional. We'd been buzzed in and were now waiting to be 'collected'. There was a buzzing sound and a slightly harried and effiminate young man came through the interior door.

“Gaby Bond?”
“That'd be me,” I suggested raising a hand.
“And this will be?”
“Jenny, her mum.”
“Good morning ladies, no one mentioned a baby.”
“Its a long story,” I suggested.
“Well I'm sure we'll cope, come on through, the team are waiting for us.”
 
Inside we were introduced to 'the team', don't ask me names, I wasn't really taking notice and half their attention was on Drea happily giggling away still. So of course we had to explain why we came bearing a toddler.

“So the only way Bernie could cover for me at the kiosk was if we organised a babysitter,” I told my audience.
“So I volunteered,” Mum put in, “it was rather short notice.”
“Yes, sorry for that,” the pinch faced chap, Hugo I think, in charge stated, “we had a free slot and strike while the irons hot as they say. You've brought the bicycle?”
“Two, a road and the time trial,” Mum agreed, “we weren't sure which one you wanted to use.”
“Good, well lets get started, Sigi, if you want to take Gaby and get started, we'll get set up out here.”
 
I followed Sigi, a chirpy woman of indeterminate age, out into a side room, it looked like a cross between an artists studio and a store room.

“So have you done anything like this before?”
“Modelling? A bit for the tourist board when I was Switzerland last year, apparently Kostüm draped around mountains sells,” I joked.
“Not exactly what we have in mind today,” she observed.
“I brought my racing kit,” I told her.
“How do you feel about body paint?”
“Like face painting? Not really my thing, so what am I wearing?” I enquired looking around for any signs of clothing.
“Maybe i'd best show you.”

She unrolled what turned out to be a printout of what I recognised as a Weltmeisterin skinsuit, all white with the rainbow bands across the chest with the addition of the team logos down the legs and so on. Another roll was tacked up on the wall, I'm guessing the rear view. It could look tacky, all that white but I reckon it looked pretty cool.

“So, what do you think?” Sigi enquired.
“Nice, so where is it?”
“Over there,” she pointed to one of the tables, loaded with tins and stuff.”
“Eh?”
“There isn't an actual suit, we're going to paint you directly with the design.”
“Whoa! Hold on there, no one said anything about being naked.”
“You won't be naked.”
“I'll not exactly have any clothes on will I, ergo I'll be naked!”
She sighed, “i thought you knew, they were supposed to have checked it all out.”
“I didn't even know I was coming until last night, there is no way I'm going out there naked, besides which, Mum'd blow a fuse.”
“What if she didn't know?”
“How could she not?”
“Hang on here for a minute,” Sigi requested before leaving me alone in the room.
 
I don't know whose idea this is but its clearly potty, I mean, naked, everyone'd see my, you know, bits. Sigi came back in with a laptop which she put on the bench.

“Have a look at these.”

'These' were a load of pictures, which after the first few abstracts I realised were actually all examples of the art of body painting. Even what first appeared to be just abstracts were revealled as painted humans in later views. There were a few of stylised costumes and more of what at first glance were fully clothed individuals but Sigi assured me they were painted.

“If we keep your mum from getting too close....? you wear pants and i've got some nipple covers we can use, no one need know.”
“I'll know, why didn't they just get a suit made up?”
“Time? To be sure I couldn't say for certain, you'd be surprised how often we do this sort of thing.”
“Can't say as i've ever seen any.”
“Which means we're doing our job.”

The door opened and Hugo looked in, “how are we doing Sig?”
“Can we do the street clothes first?”
“Okay, thirty minutes.”
 
Well it turns out that its an advert of two parts, basicly they shoot it twice, once with me in street clothes, which turned out to be shorts and a vest top sat atop a town bike. Its all shot with me on a turntable in front of a green screen like they use in the movies. Then I do it all again wearing the 'skin suit' on my time trial bike, apparently they then do all their computer jiggery pokery to put the two together.

Sigi's change to the shooting sequence didn't really make any difference but it did give me a bit longer to decide about the painting. It was gone twelve before we were done with the first set up, Drea, good as she is was getting a bit antsy.

“You could take her for a walk or into town Frau Bond,” Sigi suggested as we consumed the buffet that was to be our lunch.

You sly cow.

“Not a bad idea, what do you think Drea?” Mum asked the fretful toddler.
“There's a childrens farm about a kilometre up the road,” one of the technicians supplied.

It might be a draw for some kids but Drea lives on a farm, still it would get Mum out of the way for a bit.

“You be okay Gab?”
“Course, go on, we'll be done quick as.”

And so the scene was set.
 
“How long's this gonna take?”
“about an hour, its not like a full body job, the last one of those took five hours.”
“Geez!”
“Yeah, then the poor girl had to do six takes diving into the lake.”
“That was that bier ad right? That was body paint?”
“Yep,” she agreed.
“I thought she was wearing a swimsuit.”
 
Talk about weird, the pants were, shall we say brief, they covered everything – just and the nipple things, well it was like having two sticking plasters covering the er bits. Then Sigi fired up what turned out to be an airbrush, I was literally spray painted white, not once but three times. Next up the detail was added, there were stencils for the lettering, a steady hand for the rainbow bands and finally she finished things off with the inference of seams.

With the addition of actual socks, gloves and my cycling shoes I was done and it was time to emerge into the studio, dressed but not dressed. Sigi suggested I just ignore my apparent nakedness, just act like I'm fully dressed, great in theory but in practice... To be fair, none of the crew made any reference to how I wasn't dressed and we just got on with the job in hand.

To be honest I quickly forgot that I was only painted and I soon relaxed, even enjoyed the remainder of the shoot. The technitions had put together a sort of support to hold up the bikes, they assure me that they won't be seen in the final product. Apparently it will look like I'm riding through the countryside, they've been taking me from all sorts of different angles, I'm actually intrigued to see the finished product.

I had hoped Mum would be out with the munchkin a bit longer, i'd be done and dressed and she wouldn't see me in the 'skin' suit. But of course things ran over a bit and it was fresh outside so they returned just as Hugo was checking the last take. I gave them a wave and just prayed she wouldn't come over.

“Okay folks, thats a wrap,” Hugo announced, “thank you Fraulein Bond, you can go put some clothes on now.”

Sigi helped me off the bike and I quickly removed my shoes, you really don't want to walk around on polished concrete with plastic cleats!

“Won't be long Mum,” I called over, “let me get changed and I'll help with the bike.”
“Okay kiddo.”

I quickly followed my painter into the 'dressing' room, closing the door with some relief.

“I thought she was gonna come over, she'd be sure to notice.”
“The goose pimples might give it away, you did very well out there.”
“I sort of forgot about it after a bit.”
“Well I think Hugo is very pleased,” Sigi told me.
“So how do I lose this natty outfit?”
“Its water based, it'll wash off in the shower, there are towels in there,” she pointed to the curtained off corner of the room which presumably housed a Dusche.
“I'd best do it at home, Mum'll smell a rat if I shower here.”
“Okay, up to you, might be best not to wear your bra or good knickers though, if you sweat the paint might transfer and ruin them.”

Bum, I hadn't thought of that, well I guess I can sacrifice the leggings and t shirt if that happens. I quickly pulled on my outside clothes, the paint was well covered at least, trainers on I bunged my other stuff back into my bag and headed outside.
 
“There you are, here you can look after your niece while Michael helps me with your bikes.”
Before I could complain I had Drea in my arms, “er okay.”
I found a seat, toddlers are heavy okay, “did you have fun Drea?”
“Bunnies.”
“You saw the bunny rabbits?”
She nodded her head energetically, “pwitty bunny.”

well at least some people are happy.
 
© Maddy Bell 7.1.2018