I hate being in a consistent deep-down. This has been going on for over a week straight now & I am getting rather worried. My techniques, to manage it, is hardly working & most are not doing anything at all. My paranoia is up & my antisocial side is making a comeback. I have thoughts, in my head that are so emotionally focused they are anywhere from logical.
Like, I know people care, but feel the opposite... despite what logic decrees.
The feelings of tightness & suffocation of my surroundings, the numbness.... and this internal sinking feeling like looking straight down from a High Height as one with said phobia. All these feelings at the same time, that I feel nothing, alone no matter how many are around. It is work, serious work just to grin & bear it. You can only put on a farce for so long that your 'fine' but I am anything but.
It is no life to live, but despite my desires I contend to others, that demand I stay & when I try to stop.... the fates refuse to cut the strings. I b**** to much, when I do..... but & it may seem hard to believe, but the few things I am vocal about is barely the tip of the iceberg.
I lost hope years ago, even more so a few monthes ago, at the moment I am completely without hope, but I still push forward & have no idea, as to why. I need to find a new target of hope, I feel myself imploding, air leaving my surroundings, an abyss without end yet stuck without a way to move forward, stuck within next to no way to escape.
So tired of this.... but I keep going.
People tell me I am strong, but why do I feel like such a curled up kitten in the corner in the rain.
Hopefully the fates puts something in motion soon, not sure how much more BS I can take.
Hopelessness
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I wish I could do more than offer huggles
but take all the huggles you want, hon.
Huggles
Ditto to Dorothy and KR
I've got endless huggles "floating out in the ether". Take all you need. Please.
Hugs
All I can send is lots of hugs
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Hugs and Huggles
Many, many Hugs and Huggles
Love tmf
Hopeless
Your symptoms sound a lot like depression. I have been where you are (look up the definition of the name I picked to use on the internet at the time I was there). Find a doctor. Start antidepressants. You might have to try two or three medications to find the one that works for you. The antidepressants will not make the feelings go away but they will let you hang on while you work your way through the feelings. I never thought I could get better. There was no way out that I could see. I did get better though. My life is much more like the "normal" it was before depression. I'm content with my life. You can be too. I wish you the very best of luck on your journey.
been (am) there, done that, got the t-shirt
Hello Erin,
I have been there - and currently am there again - and I have done that in the past, and I got the [virtual] t-shirt for it.
One thing I discovered since moving from Paraguay (22°S) to Germany (51°N), is that too much sun-light causes ME to become depressed. Yes, I have paradox reactions to many health related things, including medication. I came to this conclusion by noticing that my depressive feelings would disappear around the middle of October and reappear by the middle of March. Keeping dark curtains (or blinds) over the windows until noon is a big help and mitigating factor.
According to the astronomical website Heavens Above, sunrise and sunset happen when the sun is at an altitude of -0.8° to the horizon, civil twilight starts at -6°, nautical twilight starts at -12° and astronomical twilight starts at -18°. From the same website I also got the data to calculate the following times.
In Paraguay the difference between the longest and shortest days is 02:44 hours of sunlight and 02:47 hours of civil twilight.
sunrise to sunset: 13:30 hours
adding civil twilight: 14:21 hours
sunrise to sunset: 10:46 hours
adding civil twilight: 11:34 hours
In Germany the difference between the longest and shortest days is 08:43 hours of sunlight and 08:57 hours of civil twilight.
sunrise to sunset: 16:36 hours
adding civil twilight: 18:10 hours (astronomical twilight never ends)
sunrise to sunset: 07:53 hours
adding civil twilight: 09:13 hours
Since I found that my tolerance to sunlight maxes out at 9.5-10 hours, it is no surprise to me that I was more-or-less permanently depressed back in Paraguay. Here in Germany I have at least 4 months free of depression caused by sunlight every year.
In hindsight (isn't 20/20 sight wonderful?) I realize that subconsciously I was trying to mitigate my depression correctly by keeping the curtains closed over my windows. But since they were not the black-out kind, they had only a very limited effect. And it caused a LOT of friction with my parents. Especially my dad constantly insisted on opening all curtains and windows. And I have not only been chronically depressed, but have also battled a lot of suicidal thoughts.
Given my paradox reactions to medication, I have found regular (as in weekly) talking therapy to be a BIG help. Though currently I am without a therapist or counselor, and I feel it dearly. Personally, I try to avoid anti-depressants like the plague, because of all the side-effects that have a very negative impact on my quality of life.
Erin, I wish you all the best for the coming days and weeks. And I hope that my experience might open up some alternative lanes of inquiry in your personal search for an effective remedy.
Jessica
I'm guessing you are being
I'm guessing you are being treated for depression? If not you should be. It is difficult to give advice because what is happening is unique to you.
What helped me when I was down the bottom was just having a day in bed watching all the stuff I liked on tv. Try spoiling yourself. You also need to talk to someone sympathetic.
Hug and more.
Leeanna
Self-care
Indeed, self-care is very important. More so when struggling with mental health issues. And self-care comes in many guises, and is about as diverse as we as individuals are.
When you write "no way
When you write "no way forward", do you have an idea of a way forward, but don't know how to achieve, or is there no idea at all?
*hugs*
Depression is ..
.. a Lying, Insidious, >EVIL< Beast.
It's like the HIV of mental health.
First it destroys your resources to deal with it (the depression), then it wrecks everything else.
Please do as your other friends have suggested, and talk to somebody, preferable a professional, soonest.
It can take several tries tries to find both a therapist, and also find the meds that work for you. If the first or second doesn't work, don't give up. Keep trying.