To quote one of my fave authors and besties...Ronnie Pupkino (Laika)"Sometimes real life will fool you..." Misty Waters
Earlier in the week my son and I were texting about limitations for recreation and familiy things with the lack of transportation, and I mentioned I was in a 'writing group.."
"Dad....I know about your writing group." He added he'd known for sometime, and that led to a brief few moments of awkwardness untill he offered to call yesterday. I stammered via text that I had never told him about'me' because I was afraid he'd be ashamed of me.
"I could never be ashamed of you....I love you."
I agonized for days about the upcoming call; yesterday being the109th anniversary of my father's birthday, with all the drama of the abuse and my older brother's acknowledgement but completely magical thinking about 'missing' Daddy. And that despite the sexual abuse to our sister and me.
BUT
In talking to my son about his question, I related to him what first precipitated tha abuse - me being caught wearing my sister's Girl Scout Brownie uniform and the greater shame of being found out. He admitted he had known for some time about me because I had committed the big mistake so many of us fear in not closing a document - a story - on our desktop computer.
This led to talking about writing and his interest to read some of it. The rest of the talk which went on for two hours with the best part coming from admitting that one of the last things my wife - his mom- had on a literal to-do list in a small notebook - was to find the right time for HER to help Andrea to tell him and our future daughter in law.
This segued into a very precious conversation about her and the support and encouragement she gave me the few years before she died.
I could almost see his tears - more precious in that he doesn't cry much in front of folks; leaving that private times with his wife.
"It..." Akmost a written stammer. "It's so great to see how much closer you and Mom became."
We ended the 'to be continued' text with his explanation that he was going to tell his wife yesterday evening. Her response was that she was very surprised but very happy that we were able to talk, prompting her to ato have him ask,
"What are your pronouns?"
So much more back and forth in our talk, with him interrupting, almost in apology since he did not want to be insensitive, but stating matter of factly,
"It's like the whole LGBT thing, where some people just don't understant that it's NOT a choice. That no one would choose a life where the result is to be misunderstood...." He paused.
"And rejected." Which led to him completely understanding that despite our love, that it was not a surprise that I never came out. But that he was glad I did. He's so much like his mom; Somewhat analytical; seeking truth and explanation. But having her other half, which was a lot like mine; trying with great success, I suppose, to accept things we often don't understand.
The best conversation we have ever had! With muc more in store.
Much love!
Andrea
Comments
Well Done!
Now you've put the pressure on me to put my mouth where my money is!
Wow
Life can be so good.
I'm in tears thinking of how happy you must be.
You deserve it.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Pronouns Are Important
It is a diploma of a kind to be addressed in one's gender. Notice I didn't write, "one's chosen gender". God knows and understands we who are trans never got a choice of what gender we are. It is part of our being born, our birth. I'm pleased with those who deserve to be addressed as Mr., Miss, ma'am, sir, or the way they desired.
I've never really cared how I was addressed. Ma'am or Sir or other ways is fine. I'm more often than not addressed as ma'am over the phone even though they were calling for the "male me" and I confirmed it was "him" they had reached. Same with sales clerks and package drivers even when I'm in full tomboy mode. Even on construction sites for some odd reason my co-workers would start calling me Gidget? Never wore makeup on any job. I worked with weird people. Sure I have M stamped on my birth certificate but like all my sisters in kind, I never was a male, just a tomboy. I'm very happy being both tomboy and full female. I may be one of the most gender fluid people you never met.
.
For all my sisters and brothers, I'm so proud of you who have manged to live your life either as you have chosen or as you have accepted it and managed to bear it no matter how painful it has been. I've lost too many who gave up. Usually because they had no support or were vilified when they showed their true innermost soul.
Hugs Andrea, may your life be filled with lots of love and happiness.
Barb
Life is a gift, treasure it.
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
*cheering*
I'm so happy for you!
{{warm hugs}}
Heather Rose :)
And Sometimes Real Life imitates Trans Fiction
Hey Schmoopie!
When we were PM-ing about this wonderful development I mentioned the last line of my TG
Walter Mitty story: "Sometimes real life will fool you...", because it reminded me
of how things turned out for that story's main character Walter Stymis, the happiest possible ending.
But I didn't realize until now how eerily similar this real event in your life was to The Secret Existence of Misty Walters- a bunch of fantasy segments strung together by a framing story about a father and husband who is a closeted cross dresser wrestling with the decision to come out about "Misty" to his spouse. He wants to be honest, and generally is in all other aspects of his life, but he's afraid that it might wreck the excellent relationships he has with his wife and kids. The character wasn't modeled on you but is a composite of several cross dressers I was getting to know back when I got the idea for it (Angela Rasch is in there somewhere), but like you he's a writer of TG fiction, and though his family knew he'd disappear into his garage "study" to write he avoided revealing what they were about (some lame lie that he was writing westerns), claiming they weren't good enough to show anyone yet.
But it turns out his wife had already known about Misty for a while but was waiting until he was ready to talk about it. Why? Because he'd left his computer running one one day when he went out to look for their dog who had gotten off. That was the eerie part, since that's how your son found out (Walter's kids were in their teens, so he figured telling them would be something to deal with sometime after he came out to Marybeth).
You actually did have the courage to come out to your wife Tracy, but Walter got outed by accident; but in both cases those worst fears---that if his secret was known it would wreck his life---turned out to be groundless. Though surprised and not completely overjoyed to discover this, his wife was a lot more accepting than what he'd feared; her biggest disappointment that he hadn't trusted her enough to be honest about it before then. But it's hard to be brave when the stakes are so high- sometimes such fears aren't groundless, and family members completely lose their shit when they find out Hubby/Dad is a sick perverted weirdo in a dress and their lives blow up horribly, with divorces and kids cutting off all ties. But I'm so happy this wasn't the case with you and yours. Sometimes happy endings happen.
~big hugs, Veronica
.
And since my muse has disappeared into the stinky black burbling depths of the La Brea Tar Pits
never to be seen again and all I can do these days is plug my older stuff in hopes a few kind souls will read it and comment, here's Misty's story:
https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/9342/secret-existence...
It was my all time favorite to write because I loved being able to go off on wild tangents
with the fantasy segments yet managed to pull it all tidily together at the end.
What borders on pure insanity?
Canada and Mexico.
.
So wonderful to read, Drea!
So wonderful to read, Drea! I'm so happy for you! To know that your son has known for a long time, and loves you still, has to be a relief.
This week I asked my mom how my dad would react if I was to visit them as myself, rather than in disguise. Whoops! I thought she understood that I was trans as is my sister. She thought I'd put it behind me. "No, it never leaves," I told her. So, I inadvertently came out to my parents. Thank God, my sister is trans, so they're used to the idea, and have no problem with me being. My biggest concern was that my dad might feel that he didn't raise his 'sons' correctly.
He doesn't. whew!
I would much rather have come out to them like you did to your son.
hugs!
Hugs!
Rosemary
I wish all could know that contentedness
I decided back before I met my first co-wife that if I was to have any hope at happiness in the world, anyone I ever got involved with would have to know just who it was that they were interested in.
That was the best decision I ever made.
Coming out to my future wife on our first date was so hard, but her reply of, "Is that all?" made me feel safe to not only turn my very delicate heart over to her, but say yes to her proposal only 2 weeks later.
It's so much harder the longer one puts it off... and one wastes so much of this precious gift called life in doubt, fear, and pain... when it doesn't have to be like that.
I lost 12 years of time with my extended family by continuing to try and pretend to be who they expected me to be... only to learn recently that they knew all along. Yes, I was me at home, and Mom to my children, but I suffered in doubt and fear for 5 of those years for no good reason... and the whole time my lovely co-wife was gently nudging me to just drop the act and be me.
I should have listened to her.
When I finally did come out, it was with such force and built-up angst that I did it poorly and lost 7 more years with them. I was a little crazy at the time, dealing with HRT weirdness and getting my meds balanced, but I could have had more time as me if I would have just taken the plunge sooner.
I know we can't go back and do it over, and telling loved ones after years or decades that the person they think they know is a lie can lead to loss of everyone we love, but that only emphasizes why it's so important to be honest with each other all the time and not let things like this build up until it does break hearts and tear families apart...
...because the truth will out... it has evidence on its side. (as Andrea discovered)
I'm so glad for you, Andrea! Enjoy what time you have left with your son and daughter-in-law... because you never know when you won't have any more of it. (just ask my sister who is burying her 22-year-old son this week)
Hugs,
Roberta
that's good news, hon
huggles
Isn't it odd how a simple
Isn't it odd how a simple slip up has made your life so much happier. Best of luck to you!
Leeanna