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I am a horrible author.
...
That's all I hear in my head now. I feel compelled to write, to have others know my thoughts through stories I've crafted after hundreds of hours of research and writing... and re-writing... and editing... and then finally after 3 years of sitting on these stories, I let the people in my life convince me that they're actually good and that I'm an author and a good writer.
They were wrong.
Not only did my four novels go quietly unnoticed by the majority of readers, when I finally posted up a story that grabbed people's attention, all it did was piss everyone off. This all says to me that I was right all along...
I am a horrible author.
I must truly suck at communicating via the written word if not only do my stories go either unnoticed or hated, but in the process of explaining one I manage to insult a reader without even knowing how I did it. That doesn't just make me a bad writer...
I am a bad human being.
I now have a choice. I can just give up, never post any of my mule-puke ever again, but leave the few stories I have written available for the few people that may, for some reason that defies understanding actually think it doesn't suck, or I can do the world a favor and have Erin take them down so I'm not inflicting my garbage on new victims/readers.
One thing is for certain though... I'm done writing. It hurts too much thinking that I hurt someone's feelings and didn't even know how. If I did it once, I'll do it again... because I can't see it coming. I was totally blind-sided by the reaction to The Wisher's Paradox. I actually think that it's a good story... which just means that I obviously don't belong here. I probably don't belong anywhere. I won't be leaving comments anymore either, because I might accidentally hurt someone again... but since I can't help myself from commenting when I see a point of view not being expressed, I'll need to just not come here anymore. Honestly, I think I won't be missed, and in point of fact most people here will be glad to see me go. Nobody really gives a shit about my comments anyway.
I'm just a voice crying in the wilderness.
So... let me have it. Here... in public... not hiding behind PMs or email. Tell everyone here what you REALLY think about my crap writing and whether it should be deleted or not. I don't care anymore. It hurts too much.
Comments
Wishers Paradox
You are a good writer, I think I see where you are going with this story. Some people seem to just want a quick and easy transition in their stories, just look at the number of stories with magical transitions. Life isn't always that quick or easy. We all grow differently with different strengths and weaknesses.
Sorry I rambled on a bit there.
What the….?
I actually liked the wisher and thought it was going to be a nice story to read.
As for negative comments, yeah that seems to be the norm for many people. Criticizing every little grammar or spelling error, taking what you wrote and twisting it around so much it makes you shake your head or pound into wall.
Thing is if your writing you want to share your stories. If I don’t like a story I just stop reading it. There is nothing that compels people to read your story all the way through if they don’t like it. That is their choice not yours and therefore a reflection of them.
It’s hard when we wear our hearts on our sleeves to have our babies insulted but, as a writer, you have to put up with it.
Hugs
I can't
I can take criticism. I can take insults. Hell, I can take abuse. I did for years and just thought it was deserved.
What I can't take is the idea that I hurt someone and couldn't see it coming. I did it on accident... after reading and reviewing my reply before sending it, I still did it. Therefore I can't be trusted to not do it again. So I can't continue this charade.
I'll take your post as a vote to leave my crap stories up. Thank you.
First: Please just stop. Don't leave, don't ...
... don't pull your stories, don't beat yourself up (more). Beating us up is what the World does for free. We don't have add our own self-beatings.
I'll give you the same "prescription" that they gave WW-I 'shell-shocked' soldiers (today we call it PTSD):
"Three Hots and a Cot."
In other words, have a couple of nice meals, get a good night's sleep - and give me a chance to (re-)read your stories.
I value all who contribute here. Even if they write a story not to my taste ... or write a story that even at "2nd or 3rd hand" is too painful for me to finish.
I value the writers who are not yet very "good" ... they have tried, and they put themselves here, and have let us see their work, and that's brave,
---
Writing is an art and craft, We get better with experience and practice. Getting feedback helps (and sometimes stings...).
---
Over the term of a community college English course, I had the pleasure of watching a fellow student get much "stronger". Please let us watch you get stronger.
===
I understand the impulse to 'just leave' when things seem to go badly. Many times, my leaving was a mistake ...
No One's Really Listening
OK... I'm going to try again to explain why I'm done.
I obviously suck at communicating with the written word. This is further evidenced by the fact that no one is hearing what I'm saying.
I don't care if people like or dislike my stories.
I don't care if people tell me that my stories are crap.
I don't care if people are even verbally abusive to me.
I do care that in replying to one such critique I insulated someone without meaning to and couldn't see it coming.
There. I hope that makes things more clear. It's obviously my fault that the only comments I'm getting are "Don't give up! Your writing will improve!" See, I don't give two shits about the mule-puke I laughingly call stories. I only care that I hurt someone's feelings and didn't even notice I did it until it was too late.
That, along with the general response to The Wisher's Paradox being overwhelmingly negative, and the response to the rest of my stories being the chirping of crickets, tells me that I don't belong here. Nobody wants me here and all I do is insult people, piss them off, or bore them to death. That won't improve with time. All I'll do is accidentally insult more people, piss more people off, or waste my time writing crap nobody wants to read. Yea.
I hope that clears things up. I'm just a big screw up... which tells me nothing's changed in my life. Everything good that's ever happened to me is because of other people doing things for me that I don't deserve. I deserve a pine box. At least there I can't hurt anyone.
You are not a screw-up
You are not a screw-up. I looked at the comments you wrote, and none of them seemed out of line to me. Some of the comments you received seemed pretty harsh, though. It seems to me that if anyone felt insulted, it's their issue. (Cf. rule #2 and #3.)
For myself, now that I've looked at what you wrote, I think it has real possibilities. I would love to know where you were going with it. And the set-up hits kind of close to home for me (I won't bore people with why), so seeing what happens would have real meaning for me.
Tell the story
People who are complaining based on just the first chapter can have no idea what they are really talking about. It's like judging the book strictly by its cover. The only thing you should change is the tags at the head of the story and possibly the cover page to warn about the things that are bothering some people. It does seem to me that her choice needs to have some negative consequences to provide a conflict and plot. One thing is clear. You have written well enough that people empathize with and care about what happens to the child. That is the mark of good writing.
Your crap writing!
My opinion of your "crap writing" is wrong!! After reading some of your stories - including the 'The Wish' - I have liked all of them. I believe a writer is free - almost obligated - to share their story telling gifts. Not all stories are going to be liked by 100% of the readers, heck I bet only about 10% of the stories readers even leave kudos and maybe 10% of those leave comments - I know that I don't leave kudos or comments of most of what I read - especially multi-part stories - but I try to comment when the story is complete.
I know that many stories leave me in tears - joy and sadness - and I have had my eyes opened by different perspective of events that have expanded my horizons - and so far YOUR stories press most of my emotional buttons and isn't that the purpose of reading -- to learn, to enjoy, to feel, to grow?
Roberta - please don't stop writing or sharing your gift. I want to thank you for your stories!!
Jeri Elaine
Homonyms, synonyms, heterographs, contractions, slang, colloquialisms, clichés, spoonerisms, and plain old misspellings are the bane of writers, but the art and magic of the story is in the telling not in the spelling.
Regarding ignored.
The intro to "Wisher's Paradox" sounded interesting and I wanted to read it, but you indicated it was posted as a PDF. I find PDF files a pain to navigate and don't read them unless I'm desperate for something to read, so I gave it a pass
So it wasn't the story that I ignored, it was the format. I see now that it wasn't actually posted as a PDF. So I'll give it a read.
As to being a bad writer??? I doubt that. Here's something that I had to learn. To paraphrase Lincoln; You can please all of the readers sometimes and some of the readers all the time, but you can't please all the readers all the time.
Bad or good as a writer is not measured by whether or not people like your stories. I guarantee that even professional writers, those who make their living writing novels have far more people who don't like their writing than who do. For example; I won't read J. K. Rowling's hugely popular Harry Potter series. I won't even check out the synopsis. Why? I have a personal problem with the concept. It has nothing to with Rowling's ability to write or express herself or anything else about her. It's just the concept of the story turns me off.
Another example; author Suzanne Collins. While I liked the concept of "Hunger Games", her writing style, in my opinion left a lot to be desire. I tried three times to read the story and gave up because her style was too cumbersome to read. I went back to it, only because several family members were reading it and it was a point of conversation at family gatherings, and finally did manage to get into the story enough to overlook the style faults. If it had not been for my family, I'd have never finished reading the story.
So which of those two authors was a bad writer? After all, I have complaints about both of them; complaints that in my mind are legitimate. Answer, neither. Both examples are simply my opinion. I'm entitled to it, just as every reader is entitled to their opinion about any story they read.
It boils down to the question, why do you write? For me, I write because I need to write. It helps me maintain my sanity. As a writer, my skills are severely limited. Unless my muse grabs hold of a story concept and runs with it, I struggle to get the idea down on (virtual) paper. But none the less, I still write and publish my stories. When I post them, and I only post completed works, I don't go back and look at the comments for about 6 months.
As an author, when I complete a story it's like a child. In my eyes it's perfect and anyone who thinks otherwise is making a personal attack on me. I've laid a portion of my soul bare for the world to see and I don't want to feel the sting of rebuke. My stories are what they are. If readers don't like, well then, that's their opinion. If they do, well then great.
I posted stories here for 11 years with hardly a notice by the folks here on BCTS. Then a writers contest was proposed and something about the challenge grabbed the attention of my muse. So I quickly knocked out a story, fully expecting it to get little notice. To my surprise, the story won the competition. The story got read, not because I'm a good author, but because it was part of a competition. Entering that competition got folks who'd never have otherwise read my work give it read. The happenstance that it won got them to read my other work.
Up until then, I didn't have a single story that even got near 100 kudos.
Back to "Wisher's Paradox" The mistake you made was interacting with the commenters. If you must read them (I don't until I've had the opportunity distance myself from the story) simply read them. If there's constructive criticism take to heart and use it to improve you future works. But don't interact with the commenters. Let them have their opinion.
Another way to look at it is to look at the stats. Chapter one got 4864 reads and 82 kudos. Only four (different) people commented. Of those only one was truly negative, another observed that "it almost seems cruel". The other two, were in my opinion neutral. Examining the stats boils down to 4860 people read it and received it as it was and 82 of them gave it kudos and four others commented. Far more people read and at least accepted the story than made negative comments. That means that . 0.0004 % of the people who read your story didn't like it enough to leave a negative comment. Four ten thousands of one percent. An infinitesimal percentage. That's equal to a statistical zero. 82 kudos is great for an unknown author. Over 4000 reads is great.
Don't sell yourself short. Hang in write the story you have within you and if a few folks don't like then that's their problem. Your job is to write do your job and let the chips fall where they may.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann
Read my reply
Up-thread. It's not about negative comments. I'm a screw-up.
Some writers just jar with me.
most of the time that is me letting my own failures dominate my actions. None of us is perfect.
As for your writing, I find the story ideas interesting but there is in my eyes, a lot of work needed on them to get them into shape for this site as it is today. You aren't a crap writer. We need to kick that one out of the park right away.
My suggestion is that you try to do one of two things. (or both)
1) Get an editor who can work with you to make your ideas more deliverable.
2) Get someone to co-author a piece with you.
Either way, you will learn a lot about how a good story is constructed. We all had to start somewhere. It took me years to get even half-decent. Some of the shite that I posted on Crystal years and years ago is cringeworthy to read now.
There were times when I wanted to pack it all in and prove my old English Teachers Mrs Greewood and Mrs Greenhaugh right. Then I remembered the other and far more significant teacher I had, Mr Hancock. He diagnosed my dyslexia and started me on the path towards dealing with it. This was in 1969... I had huge amounts of self-loathing at the time. no more.
Don't let a few grammar fiends grind you down. Your ideas are good and worth developing. In time, you will hit on a few story ideas that will resonate with the readers here. My WIP folder is littered with stories that are just not suitable for this site for a variety of reasons. I needed to write then just to get that itch scratched. They won't see the light of day and that does not worry me.
So... keep on trucking. Eventually, you will hit on a winning formula.
And...
Rome was not built in a day or week or year or decade.
Samantha
I give up
Nobody is listening.
Nobody cares.
Nobody gets it.
I'm screaming and no one hears me.
I don't want advice on being a better writer.
I don't give a shit if people like my crap or not.
I insulted a reader without realizing it. THAT is why I can't go on.
I can't take it anymore.
Goodbye.
Again, just >stop<.
"Nobody is listening" Uh, count up the people responding, some of us more than once, both here, and on your story.
"Crap writing" >>Does Not Equal<< 'crap person'.
And most of us disagree with your over-the-top harsh opinions of your writing and of yourself
I want you to continue Christina's story. From Angel Lisbeth's foreshadowing ... I bet we will end up "hating" her Trickster God, and cheering on Christina as she succeeds against all the crud Lisbeth sees coming. Christina has an attitude of "be cheerful, be the best I can be".
---
One more thing ... is something in your life 'chewing on you', besides the story? If so, that might need taking care of first. I can wait for Christina ...
Take care!
We heard you.
We heard you.
We just don't think you are to blame if someone chose to feel insulted by your response to them. If anyone, it reflects on them, not on you.
Inadvertent
"I insulted a reader without realizing it. THAT is why I can't go on."
That's why you MUST go on.
For some people, it's easier to get over being insulted or offended than having offended or insulted someone else.
Please.
-- Daphne Xu
Self Flogging?
Love, I've dealt with people whose self worth seems to be way south of normal and usually it points back to how they were treated growing up. You are looking for all the negatives in the responses to your stories rather than the positive. I can't do this long range so you will need to start believing in yourself.
You decided you were good enough to write a story. Right.
You wrote a story the way you wanted instead of having a teacher tell you what you should write. Okay.
You were brave enough to post the story so others could enjoy it. How we doing sweety?
Hon, one of the best stories I ever posted was criticized so strongly I thought blood was going to be spilled. I asked Erin to pull the reviews as some were getting really tense and the readers were only into the first few chapters as Cathy was posting it for me. (I didn't know how and she was editor)
The snarky comments didn't bother me and the reason I asked Erin to pull them was the developing cat fights between readers. Happy to read so much emotion being brought out by a fictional story but really..., fiction?
I can only tell you and hope you will take it to heart, write the stories for yourself. For the person who matters in your life. You. If you are writing only to receive accolades as to how great you are, keep in mind Tom Clancy was turned down by over two dozen publishers before being accepted. Samuel Clements was told his writing was so bad no one would want to read it. *Mark Twain"
I could go on and on with most of the great writers who broke the mold but you get the idea. When someone tells us our writing stinks, we are in the best of company. Thus write what you want and what you're interested in reading. Trust me, it's good therapeutic value and healthy for the soul.
Hugs Roberta
Barb
Life is a challenge. Do we let it stifle us, break us, or do we learn and grow?
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
Popularity and Purpose
The 483 people who hate your story and think youre a horrible person for posting it?
They get what they need from plenty of other stories here. It might not be possible to completely ignore them, but they don't own this site any more than you do and you have as much right as them to post your stuff here + comment what you want as long as it doesnt violate Erin's handful of commonsense rules...
The 1 person who feels like a freak and an outsider even in the world of trans folk, and really needs your story because at least someone understands?
I'm not a hugely popular author here, but that's who I write for. And I need them just as much. And from what I see in the comments it's a lot more than one person who finds value in your works...
You may have to step away from this site for your own sanity; you've repeated this enough that it's clear it's not some temporary mood thing but a major decision about your online public life. And I would be saddened by this, variety and the representation of different viewpoints is this site's strength; but it's ultimately not my business what you do. But please do leave the completed stories you've already posted. People who don't like them will survive the experience; But those that relate to them could get the strength to carry on another day from them. And if you do leave BCTS, I suggest trying again at a later date. Things can change. I'm not profound like BarbieLee but that's my take on this if it's worth anything...
~hugs if you want them, Veronica the Village Idiot
"Government will only recognize 2 genders, male + female,
as assigned at birth-" (In his own words:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1lugbpMKDU
I read two of your four novels....
I read two of your four novels--the pdf ones you posted here at Big Closet--and I liked them. I gave you a kudo for each.
I am sorry that you think you are a 'horrible writer.'
I know that it would be nice if everyone liked what I wrote. Didn't happen. Didn't stop me. I write what I like to write and if somebody says it's crap--that's their opinion. (They probably read things that I would never read, so it should not be surprising that they wouldn't like my subject "stuff"). It's the same with my artwork and paintings. A lot of people don't like 'em and don't get (or like) what I am trying to say through the art. Not a big deal--the world is a big place. As Shakespeare said in Hamlet: "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." That goes double for those guys.
.....(sigh).....
I will be sorry if you quit posting and will miss reading your stories.
I hear you, but think you should continue to write your stories and continue to post 'em here.
charlie.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/missing-without-a-trace-cha...
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/832524
Well….
We have all seen this story before. Effindumb left us with this same lament. Enemyoffun has this problem at times too.
ED was not amiable to re-assurances that he was a valued part of this community. Much anguish was had in our efforts to salve his plaint.
EOF has continued albeit much less prolifically.
Several others complain about excessive and nasty negative commentary they generate. At least one author disables all comments on their work.
Please, Miss RME, continue to write and post here. Disable comments and dis-continue engagement with your readers. If you offend a reader or two it matters not. The hundreds who truly enjoy your work will get to share it with you. And you can remain oblivious to those few. I can only read what you write as I have not the skill to return share my imagination.
As for the rest of us: We who share this space are often perilous wounded. We must needs be gentle with each other.
BAK 0.25tspgirl
In all my 74 years on this planet
I have insulted or hurt more people than I can count! But you know what? Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke or an insult!
Oh I know I'm an awful person...or...I WAS. The thing is, I don't, I CAN'T allow all those hurts and insults rule my life! If I did, I'd be in the same funk that has you tied up right now.
See, I used to be a horrible person. If I wanted something, I got it by whatever means necessary. If I wanted money, I stole it. If I wanted food, well I stole that too. Whatever struck my fancy, or whatever I needed at the time, I got it by hook or crook.
In the process,I alienated so many people, hurt them in SO many ways, but I didn't care. I had what I wanted/needed and they could all pound salt for all I cared...but then...there came a day when there was no one and no place where I could go that would let me in! In everyone's eyes, I was no good at all...for anything! I couldn't be trusted and I found myself with no one, no place to run to.
No, I didn't find God or anything like that. What I found was one person, one who accepted me for the rotten bastard I had become and sat me down and rooted out the cause of my selfish reason WHY I was such a rotten human being.
See, my Grandparents had spoiled me SO badly that I, because of that, had assumed that I was the most important person EVER, that _I_ was the only one who mattered! Everyone else was just someone to take advantage of, to serve ME! So I just treated everyone and everything as just throwaway fodder to feed my needs.
Well, that attitude got me hated, but so what? well, the hatred turned into being ostracized from even my own family and I STILL didn't care because _I_ was the "GOLDEN BOY" crowned by my Grandparents and they couldn't be wrong, right? No. They were SO wrong, but I couldn't see that then.
It took 8 years in the military to FINALLY knock me right the hell out of my attitudes. All of a sudden, I wasn't the golden boy any more. I was just one of thousands and got treated just like every other guy and gal who wore a uniform. Shocked? You bet your ass I was! I learned very quickly that no matter who and what I was before, now I was no better and no worse than the next person in line, and if I acted any other way, punishment followed. So, I began to see that I wasn't the only one who mattered, and that led to understanding that, if I wasn't part of the team, I was just shit out of luck, so I HAD to change my thinking and behavior or get left behind, or worse, to punishment and possible confinement.
Years passed and my attitude finally began to bear fruit. I had friends I could count on, because they knew they could count on me! Then Cathy reared her pretty head. Yes, Cathy, my other, REAL self. I got stuck into therapy because she just wouldn't let me rest. She hammered at me until I fell into depression and severe stress which led me to a therapist. Through that, I learned the OTHER reason I was an insufferable pain in the ass. Cathy wanted HER turn at bat and always HAD! This ugly, horrible shell she'd been cursed to inhabit, this MALE shell, had to finally be shed so she could live the life she had been entitled to. Oh, she had made brief forays into the world, but only in secret, always hidden.
Once that secret was out, ALL the reasons for why I was such an insufferable bastard were let out and examined and I felt like someone had finally turned on a light, had taken years of weight off my shoulders and things changed rapidly after that.
Now...all this has led me finally to the reason I wrote this at all. I feel like there has been, in your life, something or someone(s) who has led you to self hate so much...and I wish, with all my heart, that I had answers for you. I CAN say that, being almost dragged into therapy was the lynch pin that unlocked my self hatred and made me realize that others DID matter! Oh I still piss people off from time to time, but I feel bad when I do it! I didn't before. And then...
I found a whole WORLD of people who were just like me! Ostracized, misled, lied to, forced to be who they weren't by society, parents, friends to live a lie. That world was, the internet and sites which eventually became sites like Top Shelf. Places where one could finally shed the ugly shell forced on them and find solace and joy in sharing with others, their struggles and victories.
Sweetheart, You ARE wanted here, hell you're NEEDED here! Look...there is never gonna be a time when you don't inadvertently hurt someone. There is never gonna be a time where you please everyone. The thing is, by feeling so bad because you feel SO badly that you hurt someone, you validate the fact that you are HUMAN! What you need to do now is to convince yourself that it was accidental, apologize if that's possible and understand that YOU MATTER!
Hon, I feel your self hate and it's gonna lead you to places you don't wanna be! Please, please find a therapist and get some help, please! Call a helpline as a first step...but call SOMEONE!! There are wonderful people here at Top Shelf, but I don't think any of them are therapists. There's a reason behind your self hate and you need to find it and exorcise it before it consumes you.
Finally...realize that you can be and are cared about by everyone here at Top Shelf. WE want you here!
Love and caring hugs,
Catherine Linda Michel
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
It hurts
It hurts when it happens to you. It's awful and unforgivable and it hurts. I won;t try to minimize it but I can tell you that most all of us who have posted online have received bad and sometimes hateful comments and reviews. Usually not from everyone. But often someone will layer on.
A few things to keep in mind: In almost all cases people who respond are not intending to be mean. Often they are inarticulate and have poorly phrased something. It's easy to read brevity as anger. Sometimes you will get replies from language lawyers and volunteer editors.
And finally, One voice from the internet is not the voice of the whole internet.
As an experiment, pick some prolific author here that you like and read through some of the comments on their stories.
Ever your devoted reader
Crescenda
AKA
Your friend
Crash
Time and communication heals most hurt feelings
I had this great post written to explain that I was OK, that I'd worked everything out, and it was beautiful!
...
Then I hit the wrong button and it was gone in a flash! GRRRRrrrrr!
That sums it up, though. Not written nearly as well, but I'm not putting in another hour writing it again when I have better things to do... like get the next chapter of The Wisher's Paradox posted!
Thank you all for putting up with my insanity!
Hugs!