You Really Can’t Make This Crap Up
by BillieBob
How many of you remember an old American television show, “To Tell The Truth”?

I say old as in black and white. It’s not a racist joke you Nit-pickers, I’m talking about before color televisions were widely available. On that program the format was to have three people introduce themselves with them all claiming to have the same name. I’m not sure, but from personal experience I would say at least one time they were ‘telling the truth’. Do I have your attention? I think that can be classified as ‘the hook’ of this tale.

I’m living it! Well, sort of I’ve been caught by accident by the odd television news broadcast for what I think they might call filler or fluff stories like helping out at the odd Holiday Food Drive before we had the Food Pantry which is now a weekly event since people actually eat more often than once or twice a year. That’s not a joke by the way. I’ll let yah’all or all of you know if I was. Oh, that last sentence was because I’m what could be classified as a ‘Damn Yankee’ (Geographical joke). I could continue with that flavor of humor, spelled with only one letter ‘u’. Would you care for another groaner? My head seems to be full of them, or something else. Okay one and only one more, I promise. Sorry, I think I’ll quit before I get sidetracked and forget the point of this little tale.
(Going back and scanning or proofreading) -).
Many years ago like umm, let’s say I had dial-up access to the internet with a 28.8 baud modem. Blazing fast! Well at the time it was, I promise! Or is that swear? Sorry I speak American not “Proper English”! And don’t ask me to diagram a sentence because that was in the eighth grade of junior high school. Ninth for us was the first of four years of high school. I heard not too long ago, okay several years ago they weren’t teaching cursive writing other than how to sign their name if that. I foresee a dead language. Maybe I’ll become a megal whatever maniac and make em teach Sanskrit. That’ll teach those clowns in Washington! Umm sorry, sidetracked again.
Okay, back at that time our bank was offering free credit checks to see how we scored, maybe thinking they could get as many suckers to “well golly gee we have such a good rating let’s go whole hog into debt.” Anyway they had two credit ratings for me. I thought I must be extra good on that rating thing to have two of them! Then I looked at them and noticed one had a different social security number. Same first and last name. Back to the internet thing, I did a google or another search engine and located that other one and figured a cousin named his son the same as me.
Then our lives started to overlap. My wife was denied service somewhere because these, yes these two other people were a matched pair to us. Her first name was the same as my wife’s first name. My wife went somewhere as a walk-in without an appointment and they said she came a long way without an appointment, like thirty miles. Granted my wife is blond, but not THAT blond! I don’t remember where it was, but I can guess it was within two or three miles. The same day she ran into a similar situation.
Move forward, several, okay many years and a co-worker lead man type came back to work from his vacation deer hunting. He told me how he encountered someone with the same name, yes first and last name again at a bar and restaurant getting paged for a table reservation. He told me he asked the guy
If that was his name and he confirmed that it was. He informed me the guy was about twenty years older than me.
And that makes three of us.
I mentioned that to another co-worker and he laughed and said when he had time he was going to do a in-depth search.
Later that night he came back with a somewhat scary tale of ANOTHER of me!
(Counting fingers again)
That makes magic number four! I swear someone must be taking fertility drugs or breeding like rats.
Or is that a doppelganger? Or does that make another doppelganger? My head still throbs and the last time I bumped it was in July of this year. Surprised I didn’t get a concussion. Big scab and still have a divot where I bumped it.
Okay, I’m beginning to suspect all those blows to the head growing up are the cause, all those crazy people like my wonderful sister and the neighbor’s with their four boys. At least three of them were nuts.
Back to number four.
What I was told this guy was about twenty years younger than me.
Okay?
Something of a criminal record.
Okay? I’m thinking drunk driving once or twice. Or maybe misdemeanor pot charge that was dropped?
Nope.
Try, and imagine what I thought when I heard this.
Possession of drug manufacturing paraphilia.
Possession of bomb manufacturing paraphilia.
What, no trifecta? Maybe he touched himself inappropriately in public. Worked with enough of those sickos, and worse. One of many reasons why if I want to have an adult beverage I’ll do it at home where I don’t have to worry about getting shot, stabbed, bitten, or hit on by strangers.
The last one was. Strange that is. Made the mistake of making eye contact. She claimed to be an artist from Thousand Oaks, California. She said She wanted to paint me and at some point asked what I thought about sex between consenting adults.
I was drinking a soda. I told her I’ll go home and ask my wife.
I know I did tell my wife how this ‘artist’ wanted to paint me and I forgot to ask “Brush, roller, or spray.”
Don’t remember asking her how I feel about sex between consenting adults, and if I did whether she told me how I feel.
I tell people I have to go to sleep at night. (hopefully not dreaming about eating giant marshmallows’)
One last thing, promise. Looking at previous sentence I realised I’ve been saying ‘that’ word wrong.
I always thought it sounded kind of mellow. ‘Da-dumph-tish’.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately no slimy political types were harmed in this tale at least to my knowledge.
I’m just saying I’ve heard way too much of that… stuff. Bless their hearts.
Take care, all of you. I was going to list subjects I don’t care about. Easier to list that I care what’s in our hearts in these trying times.

P.S. Been so long I've posted I forgot how I used to. Now where did I put that walker?