For those not English, "Pants" is not only a reference to underwear — usually men's — but can also can mean: awful or nasty, not pleasant at all.

Today was pants because of pants.

Now, those who know me — although it's been so long since I last posted anything, I may now be no more than a dim and distant memory — I'm not trans. I got into writing TG fiction many years ago because of someone I met at work, but now here's the strange thing about life. I now live in France, where my name sounds like Nicola and because Pen and I are now married, I am her Marie — go figure.

Any-who, here's the story, which begins about a year ago when we visited a shop in a neighbouring town that sells bankrupt stock at bargain prices. So far, we've bought some pretty good gear from there — some pretty shit stuff too, to be honest — so when Pen alerted me to some very reasonably priced pants I might be interested in, I went and had a look.

They were really nice. Plain black, but a nice shape. They were not at all bulky and didn't use bungee cord for elastic, but there was an issue. "They're women's," I told her.

"No they're not," she replied.

She was wrong. They were in fact ladies knickers, panties or underthings. Ironically, they were my size, but they were women's and not for a bloke ... me.

"Don't know what you're worried about," Pen said in the car on the way home. "Who would know?"

Now don't get me wrong. When Pen mentioned the idea of me putting on women's clothing, even if only knickers, I did get a little hot under the collar and ... well ... interested, shall we say. However, this for some reason didn't seem like the right thing to be doing. I mean, my wife buying me ladies undies to wear outside of the bedroom? Sadly, it wouldn't have been for enjoyment. It was simply for practicality. Oh well. I fucked that one up good and proper, didn't I?

So moving on and the last time I bought new underwear it was from a company called Sports Direct. If you've heard of the company, it's a bit of a crap shoot. You can get really good quality gear at bargain basement prices because it's end of line stuff. On the other hand, I think they also sell a lot of "seconds". These are items that haven't passed muster and are being got rid of cheap. These include things like socks that aren't as big as they're supposed to be etc.

Well I bought a multipack of men's pants, but then had a falling out with the company when they sent me the wrong items and refused to replace them with the right ones. In addition, it came to light that they treat their workers like shit, so I boycotted them.

Shot myself in the foot there too, didn't I?

No more cheap undies.

So with the last lot beginning to look a little the worse for wear, I decided it was time to get some more.

Looking on-line, I was stunned at the prices. You're looking at about 6€ a pair for basic pants.

"HOW MUCH?!"

Considering I bought a brand new pair of jeans a couple of years ago for 10€ — damned good quality too — I was buggered if I was going to pay nearly that for a pair of bloody pants!

So I looked around the internet and discovered the latest scam. Underwear for a penny a pair.

The catch?

You pay 5.99€ per pair for postage and packing.

So today we were out looking for — amongst other things — underwear for me. Of course, secretly I was hoping we'd find some more girly pants that Penny would suggest might be appropriate, since of course, who would know?

... but it wasn't to be.

What I can't seem to get my head round is that you can't even buy cotton briefs for men without spending an arm and a leg on them. I don't want to be able to get my arms through anyway, just my legs. There are no end of fucking boxers or "shorts", but the only briefs were like old men's "Y" fronts. Some of them looked baggy before they were on, not to mention they looked huge and really lumpy old bit's of rubbish — which Pen agreed I wasn't getting under any circumstances.

So the upshot is, I'm beginning to wonder if someone can be slightly trans? Can someone get a little "interested" at the idea of wearing women's underwear, even if it's just utilitarian, common or garden, comfort-over-sexy-type-briefs and not necessarily want to escalate it to full-on lingerie or the full Monty? Is it possible that whilst I don't think I'm gender dysphoric, I do feel drawn to the underwear and not necessarily in a sexually fantasised manner.

It's certainly made me wonder.

Now don't get the wrong idea here. I'm not suddenly going to want dresses, high-heels and makeup. Nothing could be further from my mind, but it has occurred to me that since they're selling boxers for women in high street shops and it's nothing to see girls in men's clothes, or at least clothing which used to be considered men's; what is so wrong with someone like me wanting underwear that doesn't come in military spec? Underwear that's softer and more forgiving than the usual garbage that's out there for men?

It bothers me because while I don't want lace or shiny satin or anything like that — well not yet anyway — I've been looking at multipacks of knickers that come in nice bright colours, which aren't necessarily female only colours, they're just NOT simply black, white or grey. I mean, I don't want little love hearts, unicorns or the like — although a nice dragon design would be acceptable — oh no. I just want to be able to buy a multipack of pants that don't feel like burlap sacking and don't cost loads of money. Is that too much to ask?

Your insights here would be appreciated,

Thank you