Denial is common among trans folk. That you have stuffed your feelings is not surprising. Being the way you are put you in a precarious position. My advise is to contact her via PM (Messenger on Facebook) and tell her that you understand. Ask her to keep confidential what you are about to say. Then be upfront with her about just why you can't see her in person. You can be sure that she understands where you're coming from. She's been there for years herself.

Then offer to maintain a virtual friendship. Listen to her woes, calibrate her triumphs; in short be her sounding board... a person she can let it all hang out for. Then of course direct her here, if she isn't already visiting us.

In the long run, it will be as good for you as it is for her. You've being dealing (even if was by denying it) with it for years yourself. Allowing yourself at least virtual contact will give you some much needed therapy.

When I first started trying to deal with my trans nature, there was no internet. It took a month of Saturdays to research it in the library. Most of what I found was case studies with only one book that dealt with it from a layman's point of view. That book mentioned a magazine called "Transvestia." A publication written by trans people for trans people. Enter a dark era where I began to haunt adult book stores looking for that magazine. I never found it in the book stores, but I did find an ad for Tri-Ess. I won't go into the pros and cons about Tri-Ess except to say that by joining that group, I was finally in touch with others like me.

I made use of their remailing service where in you could write members without revealing who you were or exactly where you lived. It was a complicated thing. You wrote what you wanted to say, put it in an envelope with postage and the member's membership number in pencil, then put that sealed envelope in another envelope and mailed it to Tri-Ess headquarters. They would then address it to that member and remail it.

I spent a small fortune in postage, but it was well worth it to be able to tell someone just what I was feeling and then have them respond in a caring, understanding way and express their feelings in the same way. Thousands of dollars worth of therapy I couldn't have gotten any other way.

She's your opportunity to do the same. She can be totally up front and honest with you without fear of rejection and you can do the same. At some point you may reach a point where you can see her face to face.

In the end, I believe you will come out in a better place for this interaction. Please consider it as much for you as for her. She needs you right now and even though it's scary for you, you need her as well.

Things never happen at random, believe me. This might just be a sign for you. There may be similarities that make the point in time right for her ... and possibly for you to finally face your fears and overcome them

It took me until I was more than thirty years old to come out and then still was in doubt for more years thereafter,

Now looking back on more than thirty years after that, I ask myself why I ever was afraid. I know quite a bit of others who think like me. But then, like Anne, I am in Europe. The social security here is so different to the states, it sometimes seems like a different world. Nevertheless even here you have to be courageous, but I found the courage becomes more with every step after the first. Good luck.