Difficult yet Personal Question

not sure

I mean how do you answer this without coming across all woe is me. Here we have Sephrena currently battling so it is hardly uncommon. Many that come here will suffer from some degree of alienation or depression, myself included. How we deal with our various difficulties with self perception and duality vs others thoughts and opinions can lead to all sorts of dark areas. I am now in my late 30's and have twice in the past come somewhat close to suicide, but I'm still here. I wrestle with depression fairly regularly and I am quite sure I am not alone in that... Chin up old thing...it aint all that bad, hah...talking to myself...so ...I'm nuts, what else is new.

It's always a highly individual thing but as is often the case there will be similarities and overlaps. Exactly what and how things affect one person or another... hang around here for long and you'll see the odd hissy fit and tantrum. But in general this place is a haven, supportive and welcoming. We's all odd bods in our way, vive le difference and all that. Life is what we have... let's make it somehing eh, even if it aint always easy. Few things worthwhile are.
love to all
Kristina

Suicide Ideation

Most transgender or persons dealing with either gender Identity or secual identity ofted ideate about suicide. some attempt and don't complete, Some attempt and do complete.
If you have attempted but did not complete find a therapist to get help. The act of sduicide is a selfish act. As much as those who attempt feel it is in the best interest to end it all it leaves people wondering what they did wrong that they did not notice the inclinations toward suicide.
I went into the militry so I could die. I just knew if I tried I'd screw it up and be a burden to my family. Sometimee the shootouts with police are suicidal attempts. I went ot war and survived, so I became the opposite of suicide ideation. I knew I was immortal and could not die. I did lots of crazy things. life threatening things and lived through them. I became angry because I coulod not die. Today I realize that God had his hand in my life very early. I look at life now as a precious gift.
You did not complete because your life has not yet met all the things you need to do.
One thing about depression, it takes one day at a time and it takes getting together with other people to come out of the depression. Instead of isolating get involved. Try NAMI. Itsd a group that accepts us for who we are. Its the mental health consumers helping each other with out the mental health professions in the room
Jill Micayla
May you have a wonderful today and a better tomorrow

Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.

Inconceivable

I am an optimist, I always expect things to get better. In my life, that has proven to be true. Yes there are downs, But for me, life is a wonderful adventure. I can't imagine any reason to end it.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, it is never worth it.

Mr. Ram

It may be diffuclt but it can be answered

At various times in my life I have thought of cashing in my chips.I have never attempted suicide but was recently thinking about it do to life stresses and hormones.I think most people think about ending it at one point or another but not nearly as many try suicide.I hope things are getting better for you and usually down times do get better.Amy

Suicidal Ideation

Yes, dear, this is a piss poor place to talk of suicide because there are people here who think of it every day. However, since you brought it up, we may as well air this right here in the hope that others may benefit from the discussion.

I am post op, and hence forth I will refer to myself ONLY as a woman. I figure that once you paid your dues, you move on and you are not trans any more.

More than half of us do off ourselves but as I looked at the situation for myself, and talked to others, I have decided that suicide is not an option for me. Just watching some one else break down and bawl when you talk about it, or have told them that you almost were successful, was just so heart breaking for me that I have vowed that I simply can not take that option any more. So, just think of the people you would hurt and don't go thinking that no one cares because there are people watching you that you don't even know about.

I was outed two days before Christmas 2004. It was right after talking to someone about suicide and they called the police and they hauled me off to the psych ward. Merry Christmas.

As many of us can attest, the losses are heartbreaking and tremendous. I was married 39 years, was a pillar of the church, had three lovely children, a great job and all the toys. I lost it all and I was extremely depressed and suicidal for a couple years, involving 5 hospitalizations. So, I and lots of others here know what it is to go into the black hole.

I thought I would never say it but the pain does dull in time and one day, I realized that I was getting over it all. My son and daughter are back to talking to me. My youngest daughter is not and my X, though she said we would always be in touch is not. Perhaps some day. I lost my soul mate in that event. I had hoped that somehow she would still want to be around me. The loss of her left a hole that I don't know if it will ever be alright.

For the last 2 years I have been going through some very specialized and in my mind very effective therapy, called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It involves a 2 hour group and an hour of therapy once a week. I feel like they brought me back from the dead, because I had decided that I was going to stop playing and actually DO IT. It has been a long hard process but I am thinking that I am out of the woods.

Things can hurt like hell and make you want to give up, but I can attest that they do get better. I now know that I really do need to kick myself out of my apartment daily and go for a long walk. I know that sometimes a hot bath is nice; scented candles are too. Reading is a great distraction, and the sense of accomplishment from cleaning the apartment is nice. I volunteer a lot too, not so much to help others but to keep me busy and thinking about nicer times. Having a dog or cat can help a lot.

If you are trans and doing your real life test, it can seem that no one wants you around. I volunteered at NAMI, an outreach center, a community help organization, and next week I am going to apply to volunteer for the Veterans Administration. You have to keep busy.

You just can't sit around moaning in your beer. I can tell you from hard experience, it does not work. Sure, it is nice to have someone take you in their arms and hold you; letting you bawl or worse. The only thing is that others only have so much capacity to absorb your grief.

No one can say any magic words to you. You have to be willing to participate in your recovery. If you have been diagnosed with a mental disorder, take your drugs. It seems like every time I was in the hospital, there was someone there who refused to take their drugs.

Lastly, there are many people out there who have it much worse than any of us ever will. I am thankful for what I have and I want to help the less fortunate.

Many blessings to you and Merry Christmas.

Gwen Brown

in an interview julian

in an interview julian clary (the english comic) stated he had considered suicide in the past .he said that he had discovered that it was a rather permanent solution to a temporary problem.ive thought about suicide in the past also but must admit i like life more and though we all have many problems in this world ,i would miss my family and friends.
seasons greetings from scotland
tracey

Lets just say

That Jill's and Gwen's statements fit my reckoning.

Hugs, Fran

I have. Ive thought about it

I have. Ive thought about it many times a day before horomones and still get into fits of it on partial hormones (all I can afford now). I actualy went through trying once, rammed a brand new rental car through a huge electric pole at 65MPH. I got a bloody nose, a headache, and a big bill.

I am still pre everything but hormones and being full time, after 8 years of trying to transition. It doesn't get easier if you aren't able to get anywhere... the only thing that helps is the hormones make me feel a bit more like me then the ghost of a man that never existed. My point, I guess, is that even self-acceptance and partial doses of hormones can make a huge difference in the urge to end the pain, and that's definitely what it is, wanting to just end the pain instead of suffering through it yet another day.

my perspective...

I am going through depression at the moment, because of more general things... What i'm doing with my life, losing an irreplacable girl etc.

Theres the act and the implications for friends and family. There are no implications for you, because there is no longer a "you".

An existential dilemma!

RobinDiaz There was a time

RobinDiaz
There was a time period, early teenage years, that is all I thought about. I never attempted suicide. I came close to attempting many times. But what I came to realize; I hated my life, not living. Change is what I needed. A new life. Mainly I just needed to get out of the house and move far away.

RobinDiaz

I've tried

In my teenage years, I did in fact try to kill myself, but I never had the nerve to actually do it. I cut my wrists, jumped in front of cars, did many stupid things including overdoses of drugs that should have killed me but didn't.

I can't say I'm done with all of that, it was only a year or so ago that I charged a man who was pointing a gun at me, not caring whether he shot me or not, the only thing in my mind at that time was rage and I didn't care a whit for my own life. He didn't shoot and I beat him nearly to death.

I guess you could call that suicidal behavior.

Not sure....

That my suicidal intentions are the norm for here or not.

I'm 33 and have lived feeling that I am in the wrong body since I was pre-pubescent (least ways it was in my thoughts before my sister and I were old enough to no longer bathe together, she's two years younger) so probably 7 or 8. Which is all very well but I have neither the looks nor any of the characteristics of the gender I feel I should be.

Through school I suffered a lot from bullies, to the point that I never did well in school. No motivation, lack of self will and self confidence left me leaving school with no qualifications (I since gained a GCSE). I've had run ins with the police and been sacked from several jobs, at least one for gross misconduct.

I am all but unable to cope on my own, though in recent years I'm getting better at that. I'm back living with my parents after living on my own for two years or so, I completely lost it in my last job ending up with the office ringing my mum to find out where I was as I had spent the previous five days in bed, mainly crying.

That was just past five years ago and I still don't think I could hold down a job, some days my moods are so black I worry that I might flip out and hurt someone. Sure its not all gender related, some is pure loneliness, I also have quite a bit of debt that makes me worry quite a bit.

Pretty much every night I pray not to wake up, I spend hours planning how I will kill myself; my current plan is a sharpened knitting needle through the heart; quick, easy and I'm told less painful than most other wounds. In the past I have twice tried overdoses of sleeping pills neither time worked (obviously). I sometimes say when asked that I have terminal depression, I don't see any other way out.

The doctors can't fix me, I will never make a convincing woman... well at night in a dark room perhaps... but in daylight no chance. I have the wrong build entirely. And the problem I have is that I won't try. I won't become a travesty of a woman because I cannot believe I would be anything else rather than be what I am now... a pretend man. And because the doctors cannot even begin to see my point of view I can't even have certain parts of my current body excised to make my life a little easier.

Main reason I read TG fiction is it allows me to dream of what might be, I still hold out hope that within my lifetime some form of medical intervention will be possible to change me enough so that I can be on the outside what I am on the inside... that or society changes enough to accept me as I am. Sadly I doubt either will happen.

JC

The Legendary Lost Ninja

I have

and I've been smacked in the face by people I've asked for help, too. "Professionals" even. I once called a suicide hotline, and due to the response I got, was saved from killing myself only by the timely visit from one of my few friends at the same time I hung up.

"I don't have time to listen to this crap. Stop being such a victim."

Yeah. That's a lot of help.

My sister tried to commit. I

My sister tried to commit. I thought I lost my best friend. I didnt blame her. I blamed myself. I failed to tell her how much her being around means to me. Life is hard as it is, but to be alone is worse. I try my best to let her know that if something is wrong, she is not alone. We will face the problem together. That includes me. When my world is not going in the right direction. We do it together. Please, if you feel alone. Find someone, please.

I did think about it,

I did think about it, running away from home and hide somewhere in town (outside) and stay there until I die, without esting or drinking. But i'm too chicken to do it.

Beside I love life, well part of it anyway. It just I don't like MY life, the way I have to live. The thing is, I still have to live has my biological self, witch don't make it easy. I even write a poem about it.

Also, I still live with my mother, witch is very very closed minded about lots of things, including LGBT people. And I don't have a job, so I can't afford to life alone witch mean I certainly can't afford any treatment/transition or even therapist.

The irony/oximoron thing about my mother is that she always wanted a girl, but she don't allow me to be a girl, weird huh...

---
Winter

I've thought of it, in fact

I've thought of it, in fact I thought of little else through all four years of high school. I came close to attempting it once, but my sister came home unexpectedly and sidetracked it. Which is probably good, because if I'd tried I probably would have succeeded, considering the method I planned.

Saless

"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America

Yes, In The Past, I Have

Thought about it, but then, something would happen to pull me away from my downward spiral. It took something to either make mre laugh, or get mad.

Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

suicide

Half a bottle of morphine sulfate and a half a bottle of Jim Beam. It had nothing to do with my attire or sexuality
Projectile vomiting after I passed out and the worst hangover known to mankind.
If worrying about how you dress or your sexuality is your biggest problem, you don't have a serious enough problem.
I probably won't try again. Somethings you just have to live with. Which I suppose is some sort of karmic justice.
I do now completely understand you only get one life. I'm going to have a lot of nylon, satin, and lace in whats left of mine.
I don't know if this is relevant but it's true.

A tough question....

I have never considered commiting suicide. I have had friends and aquaintances consider doing it. And I've had friends and aquaintances succeed in doing it. I know of people who are doing it very slowly...drugs...food...drink...etc. I know why they are doing it but I don't understand why they are doing it. For sure there are some I would like to see do it but I'll leave politics out of the discussion. The only thing suicide ever accomplishes is depriving us of friends and loved ones.

Mea the Magnificent

BTW I have considered killing someone else. I feel that the only true form of expression is the proper use of a .45 auto.

unworthyness and helplessness

i think there at least 2 routes to feeling suicidal. My father committed suicide, and apparently it was due to a life-long struggle with feeling unworthy. When he succeeded, like when he was given a promotion, he saw it as a mistake that would be found out and taken from him, and eventually he reached the point where he felt like the world would be better off without him. The other kind is about being helpless. Its not just that things are not going well, its that you feel like there is nothing you can do to change that. That's the kind I have struggled with in my life. But, as I am now starting to take some action, especially on dealing with my gender issues, that sense of helplessness is fading. I know see that not only I am not helpless, but I can make the changes I wish to see.

Loss of hope.

When the way ahead leads seemingly to nowhere; no education, no career with promotional prospects (as I thought then); , no prospects of marriage or children, no prospects of even forming any sort of relationship and the way ahead is totally invisible that's when hope is lost and that for me was when I tried drowning myself in the St Lawrence seaway during early February 1962. I just let myself fall backwards into the broken ice flows hoping that I would drown or be crushed by the grinding ice flows in the ship's wake. It didn't happen and I was dragged out of the freezing water by the escort tug's rescue boat. I'll not dwell upon what followed.