Hey everyone, I've had some conflicting feelings about Trial by Fire. I feel that some of it is completely unnecessary and the torture scene shouldn't be there. Also, I think that the story should be more definite and realistic than the MC having a massive panic attack and being taken by the Silver Legion. I think there could be something better. I don't know though, I mean as some of you said, it's like the whole thing is going down a rabbit hole. The idea of the story isn't that, but to show a world through a narrative.
If you feel that Trial by Fire should be changed for whatever reason. Please be candid. I want to work on this story and truly make it more than just a cheap knock-off story with a half ass story and a Protagonist that everyone despises. Or a story that makes Alice in the Wonderland look tamed.
I have a few options running through my mind and most of them would be major revisions to chapter 2 and 3 (or Trial by Fire).
Anyway, thank you for reading my budding story and be candid.
Comments
Should be changed
I agree that something went badly awry with Trial By Fire. Up until then, I had liked Player One more than any of your other works that I have read. (I still haven't read all of them; there is just too much to read on BCTS.) With Trial by Fire it suddenly went off into left field. How was she captured, why is she being tortured, what is going on? It feels like there is no continuity whatsoever.
Actually, the previous chapter needs some work, too. Unless someone (or something) is manipulating the situation, what is the probability of walking into a bank robbery? It felt contrived. Also, the bank robbers were completely incompetent. One doesn't need six heavily armed people shooting up everything to rob a bank. One guy with a handgun is generally enough.
In other words, everything up to the bank robbery was wonderful. The bank robbery could work, if motivations were made clearer. Trial by fire, on the other hand, seems like it should either be scrapped or majorly reworked.
Of course, if I could write, I would. Since I can't, this clearly qualifies me to criticize other's writing. Doesn't it?
The robbery and other stuff
The one thing in the story I liked the least is that we went from a bank robbery to waking up as a prisoner to the Sliver Legion with no continuity for the reader. We still don't know how the Silver Legion captured her. If you are going to change things, I would let the reader know how this happened. And then, if I remember correctly, we seemed to jump from that scene to being in a field with little explanation.
The bank robbery scenario looked odd for 2018 in our world but then the story is not set in our world. Why would it take 35 minutes for the police to show up for a bank robbery. (For that matter, has any one ever managed to get a time estimate from 911?) Furthermore, one of the key points when robbing a bank is to get in and out real quick. They shouldn't be wasting time with rape and torture.
But I do like the story and hope to see you continue publishing it. I mentioned in other comments that this story reminded me of Through The Looking Glass. It also reminds me of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? where the audience in initially exposed to a lot of things that seem weird but eventually make sense as we learned more about living in the animated world.
My advice
Stick to romantic comedy, you're good at it. I know you tried something new with trial by fire, but IMO you should rewrite it and start over. It was a great story, until the bank scene and then everything went down hill. Now I cant tell you what to do, but sometimes accepting y our strengths can help when you want to write something you are weaker at. Myself for instance, I've never written for this site but when I did write I was great at horror, I was so good at it when I was a little girl I terrified all the other children around me. I tried writing other things... it was... not as good. If I had just stuck with my strengths I wouldn't be in this rut I am now. Otome you are an excellent writer, you have some problems with spelling and grammar sometimes, but nothing major. They can all be fixed by some simple editing.
However you tried too hard to write a dark story and it shows that you are unfamiliar with the territory. IMO it's okay to do SOME dark for your stories, but going too far too fast has put you out of your depth. Don't just jump into the middle of the ocean, take a paddle boat and paddle your way there slowly. Start small evil things, the silver legion is a good idea. The way you executed it was too rough. The bank robbers were a good idea, the execution again was too fast and too off base.
Listen to your voice, the voice of your writing, and follow through with it. You can have a bank robbery be serious and still keep that charm you have in your writing. Good luck.
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