“I.... I should get back to my table.... I'm sure you have lots of family to catch up with.” I blustered, trying to extricate myself from this awkward encounter.

Ken nodded. The expression on his face was unreadable, but I got the impression that his ambivalence about this large family gathering was nearly as strong as Tinas.

“Don't be a stranger” he smiled ….ominously?... as he headed back into the crowd.

I roamed the crowd of wedding revelers until I spotted Tina chatting with a bunch of bridesmaids.

“Hey!” I greeted as I approached them. Tina turned with a smile. “Hey yourself! Did Enzo finally decide it was safe for you to go 'free range'?”

I shook my head with a wry smile. “Not exactly. Jerry cut in on the dance floor.”

At the mention of his name, I noticed the group scowl on the bridesmaids. Apparently Tina's cousin was legend.

Tina grimaced at my news. ...and was perplexed by my sudden grin.

“But then I was rescued....”

Her eyebrow raised.

“...by your Dad.” I smirked. The gaggle of bridesmaids collectively startled. Then grinned.

“HE was the one who decided it was safe for me to wander on my own.” I grinned.

Tina shook her head slightly, trying to process what I just told her. The bridesmaids were not so nonplussed.

“If Chris won't introduce us, I guess we'll just have to tell you ourselves” the tall, perky one on the left pronounced. “I'm Heather. This is Scarlet, Amber, Violet and Rose.” They all finger waved with a well polished plasti-smile. It was instantly clear that these were not Tina's friends. They were her schoolmates and Donna – the bride's – friends.

I returned their reflex-smile. “Pleased to meet the whole spectrum.” I heard Tina stifle her snort. A momentary look of 'what just happened?' flashed in their faces as they caught Tina's stifled snort, then they dismissed and went on.

“So, you know Chris how? ….Are any of you related?”

They collectively snapped back as if I had tossed my drink on them. I was beginning to think of this collection of bridesmaids as a single thing... a hive mind... a multi-headed hydra. This amused me so much it was making this encounter almost enjoyable.

“GOD no!” Amber exclaimed so loudly that nearby heads turned. When they noticed where the sound was coming from, they went right back to ignoring us all. Rose cut in. “I see how you could think that....” she said as the others stared at her wondering how anyone could think that. “...we're all friends of the bride... most of the ushers were with her cousin Anthony's family.” The rest of the hydra looked at her, clearly processing this, which apparently hadn't even been noticed by them before, and gave a unitary nod.

“We all just went to school together.” Heather said icily. The hydra nodded.

“We were all catching up on what everybody's up to.” Scarlet said, then felt the need to bring me up to speed, holding out her stunningly manicured hand and counting off on fingers. “Rose is temping.”

I smiled and nodded.

“I'm going to school to be an aesthetician.”

“Cool.” I replied, wanting to seem supportive.

“Amber is working at shady oaks as assistant events coordinator.”

“Is that some kind of rest home?” I inquired innocently and was met with daggers by the hydra and a snort from Tina.

“It's only the most exclusive club in the county.” Amber spat.

“Her dad is on the board.” Scarlet replied helpfully, to Amber's glare.

“Cool.” I smiled, trying to look impressed and calm the hydra.

“....and Heatherrrrr.....” Scarlet proclaimed gesturing with her arms like a prize presenter on a game show “was about to tell Chris about her fabulous job when you ...uh...”

“Yeah. Sorry I interrupted. But please go on. And Heatherrrr?” I said tilting my head and putting a crisp Kardashian fry on her name. I felt Tina poke me from behind.

“Heather is the new director of corporate sales for Sofa King.”

I had vocally backed myself into Kardashian corner, so I figured the quickest way out was the Hilton exit.

“That's HOT.” I gushed.

“Sofa King Hot!” Tina murmured. It was my turn to stifle a snort.

The hydra seemed oblivious.

“Well, it IS her father's company..” Scarlet began and was quickly cut off by Heather.

“Daddy was looking to open a corporate sales division to leverage the hospitality market, but could never find the right person to head it up, but it had been a dream of his for years. When I came on board, I convinced him I knew the market and landed the position.”

“She can land all the positions” Tina whispered in my ear. I kept the permasmile plastered. “And no one knows the hotels and motels around these parts better... and all the managers!” she continued to whisper. I fought down my smirk.

“What?” Heather said as the hydra glared at us.

“Ti... Chris was just informing me of the time. I'm her ride and she really wants to give her regards to the happy couple before we have to leave.” I lied. She nodded.

“It was really nice to meet you all.” I smiled. They reflexively smiled back like flight attendants rushing to diplomatically hurry the herd off the plane.

As we launched back into the crowd, Tina said “Thanks for the rescue. I don't know who was more thankful you got us away, me or....”

“..the Hydra?”

She stopped walking and stared at me. I simply shrugged. “I instantly got the impression I was dealing with something with one mind and five heads."

The grin erupted on Tina's face as she nodded her head vigorously. “Oh, girl.... I am SO using that.... and you're going to have to find a way to draw it!” she cackled.

While working our way back to our table we did in fact run into the 'happy couple' fending off well wishers. Only they didn't strike me as terribly happy. They seemed more overwhelmed.

“Hey, congratulations!” Tina leaned in for a requisite hug with her cousin and a much more ginger near-embrace with the bride. It was like the full body version of an air-kiss.

“All done.” Donna dripped with content.

“Bitchiotti” Tina shot back instantly with a head nod. Then she pulled back and got a thoughtful look. “Guess I can't call you that now that you're married.” Her cousin Tony looked at the two. He was not happy, but he didn't seem surprised either. “Don't worry, I'll come up with something” she smiled as the bride scowled.

“That was a beautiful dress!” Tina gushed. Donna began to relax slightly and as the proud smile began to form Tina continued “...you couldn't see a thing.” she gently touched Donna's belly. The bride jumped back as if Tina had poked her with a cattle prod, spun on her heels and stormed off into the crowd, arm stiff and straight over her head, a single manicured finger turned in our direction.

Tina chuckled. “You're going to have your hands full with that one.” she smiled to Tony.
“…..but she'll make a great mom..... she's like a lioness.”

Her cousin flashed a conflicted smile and ran his hand through his hair. “God, I hope so.”

“Oh, God. I'm so rude. Anthony Rossi.... this is my good friend and plus one Chloe Saville.”

I smiled politely and shook. God his hands were sweaty. I don't know if that was from running them through his hair or he did that to try and dry them. Whatever. It didn't work.

“So how do you know Chrissy.... Christina?” he corrected.

“We live together.” Tina said.

At her cousin's raised eyebrow I added. “With another girl in an awesome 3 bedroom house her dad arranged.”

His expression calmed. “Sounds like a sitcom setup.” he smiled.

“No wacky neighbors. ….that we know of.” Tina smiled.

“Or a horror movie....” he mused.

“No creepy neighbors.” I volunteered.

“THAT we know of....” Tina said with a raised finger and a wicked grin.

“...or maybe some other kind of movie....” Tony grinned “how well do you know the pizza guy?”

Tina gave him a playful – but strong – slap. “Get your mind out of the gutter you perv... you're a married man now. No more thinking about that!”

“Well, now only thinking.” I grinned. Tina and Tony both laughed.

“Still. Not about that. Not about US!” she warned Tony.

“Oh, GOD no!” he startled, clearly as creeped out by the thought as his cousin. That was a relief.

“So where you guys going on your honeymoon?”

Tony shrugged. “Nowhere yet. Donna's really been feeling.... well, she doesn't want to travel. She says we should wait till after.... till she's feeling like herself again.”

Tina and I both smiled politely and nodded. Something told me, and I knew she was thinking it too, these two aren't going to get to honeymoon until they're in their forties and their kids are on their own.

We made a little more smalltalk and turned him over to the next well wisher.

“Are we done here?” Tina asked.

“Are you asking ME? This is your thing.... your family.... are you done here?”

“So done here.” Tina grinned. “Just let me hit the ladies before we jet.”

“Good idea” I nodded.

It wasn't too crowded and Tina and I quickly finished our business. While touching up at the mirror, I noticed the last stall, which had been occupied when we arrived, was still shut. I got the feeling that something was up and tapped Tina on the shoulder, motioning to the closed stall. She quickly picked up on what I was thinking and slowly walked over to the door, stepping back and eyeing the shoes.

“Mom?” she asked hesitantly.

“....Chrissie? ….is that you?”

“....and my friend Chloe..... you remember? From the....”

She sniffed a laugh. “Hi Chloe.... oh God... this is so embarrassing....”

“Nothing to be embarrassed about mom.” Tina said gently. “...is everything OK?”

Another sniffed laugh erupted from within the stall. Tina rephrased the question.

“....are YOU OK?”

There was a stirring from the stall and the sound of flushing.

“GODDAMMIT! I hate these goddamned things!” her mothers voice echoed on the tile walls.

Tina shot me a shit-eating grin. “Yeah.... she's OK.”

The stall door opened and Tina's mom emerged with an expression that was equal parts mortification and pissed offed-ness. She was as angry as a cat in a car wash. She twisted around to try to catch a glimpse of her own backside, then moved to the mirror to see if that could work. Tina and I surveyed the damage.

“It's not really that bad.” Tina tried to cheer.

“It will probably dry quickly.” I volunteered.

Maria Aldone scowled at her reflection. “It will probably leave a stain or at least a ring.” Who thought putting those evil things on toilets was a good idea? Even if someone's too uncivilized to flush, the next one in can do it. We don't need ….machines!” she said through gritted teeth.

I smiled. “I always keep a small cloth pouch in my purse, I put it over those things like a knit cap and they behave until you take it off.”

Maria tilted her head and regarded me. She was beginning to calm. “Why didn't I think of that? That's very resourceful dear. What gave you the idea?”

I shrugged sheepishly, recalling the 'inspiration'. “...once burned....” I smiled.

“...or doused!” Tina laughed. Then she turned to her mom and looked mortified.

Maria laughed. “Lesson learned.” Then her expression got bitter again. “...this is just the cherry on the sundae...” she muttered. Turning to Tina she said “I was hiding from your aunts Vera and Sophia.”

Tina nodded solemnly. “Was it anything I....”

“Just the usual sweetie. Some things never change.” she said with a sigh “I just was really not in the mood for it today....”

Tina nodded then glanced my way. “We were about to sneak out. …..Wanna come?” she grinned.

Maria regarded us both for a moment, then her face erupted into the same grin I knew so well from Tina. “More than you know.”

We were in the car headed back to Tina's family home when she turned to me.

“You in any hurry to be somewhere?” she inquired with a smile.

I shook my head. “Probably should check into my B&B before they file a missing person report and sell my stuff on ebay.... but otherwise, no. What are you thinking?”

Tina glanced to her mom in the back seat. “Mom? Are you in a hurry to get home?”

It was clear from her mother's expression that she was most definitely NOT. She shook her head, holding eye contact with Tina.

“Chrissie?.....” Her mom asked, the slight curls of a smile beginning to form... “What ARE you thinking?”

Tina smiled wickedly. “Well, since we never get the chance.... how about a girl's day out?”

The smile erupted on Tina's mom Maria, accompanied by a vigorous nod.

I just laughed and held up a finger. “But NOT like our girl's night out yesterday!” I grinned then immediately clenched, catching Maria's querulous expression in the rear-view mirror. I instantly glanced to Tina in my mortified contrition. She just smiled, and twisting to her mom in the back seat, proceeded to give a – highly sanitized – but still mostly accurate recap of our previous night on the town. Including the run in with 'Carpenter Scott'.

Tina's mom seemed to be wrestling with amusement over Tina's retelling, which certainly was Moth-stage-worthy, and the notion that she should be the disapproving parental role model. She finally relaxed and mirth won out.

“Oh, Chrissy. I never knew you had a thing for that boy in high school.” She then paused a beat, and as I glanced at her in the mirror, it was clear she was choosing her next words carefully. “.....or any boy.”

Tina rolled her eyes. “Remember what happened to the few boys I did bring home?”

Her mom's face betrayed a smirk, and she nodded slowly, the humor in her eyes unmaskable. “....but that was all when you were a freshman... you never brought a boy home since.”

Tina gave her mom a 'Duh' expression. “Any wonder WHY?”. She and her mom exchanged a look and Maria shook a contrite 'No'.

“I even tried NOT bringing them home!” apparently now that this vein was tapped, it was not going to stop until the pressure was released. “Daddy found out anyway, and ended up …..'bumping into them'... and scaring the hell out of them and I was alone again! Is it any wonder why Lauren and the gang were my only friends all through high school?” She was really agitated. I reached over and put a calming hand on her arm.

“I had to run away to college in another state before I could even go out with a boy without Daddy throwing me into protective custody!”

Maria's brow furrowed. She quietly said “Honey. You know he was only looking out for you.” But her tone of voice made it clear she was echoing the 'company line' and probably thought Ken had overstepped as well.

“Well, it's good to know you like boys.” she soothed. Then upon hearing her own words, looked like she desperately wanted to take them back and rephrase.

Tina just laughed. “Always did. And now they're free to like me back!”

“Except Carpenter Scott.” I couldn't resist butting in.

Tina put on a mock pout and her mother actually laughed out loud! I had never seen her so relaxed.

“Oh, God. Your father.... if you brought home.....” she struggled to find mom-appropriate words.

I could say what she felt she couldn't. So I did. “A stripper.”

Tina glared daggers at me. Her mom just went red and snickered.

“OK. OK!” I laughed, walking it back a bit. “An exotic dancer.... a carnal cabaret performer... an erotic..”

Tina slapped my arm HARD. Her exaggerated disapproval an obvious mask over her own amusement.

“Enough! He was..... is...... a skilled tradesman.” She lost her battle to hide her own smirk.

“....well, at least he has a trade....” her mom said primly from the back seat.

Tina and I erupted. “And half of Greenville can attest to his skill.” I snickered.

OK. Whatever icy distance or role-appropriate posturing there was between Tina and her mom... it was utterly dispelled. We were just three silly people, in relaxed company, headed.....

“Where are we going anyway?” I asked.

“Greenville?” Tina suggested. Her mom shrugged 'sure'. And Tina shot me a smile. “I want to meet this hunky B&B guy you've been telling me about.”

“I did NOT call him 'hunky'!” I protested. Tina simply smiled wickedly. “Didn't have to.”

I scowled. I did not call Charles 'hunky' and I never implied that he was. Still.... from a certain perspective, he was. He could be a cover model on a mountaineering magazine or an R.E.I. ad. I ground my teeth and shot Tina an annoyed look. She beamed back. “OK. It's settled. We're seeing Chloe's fabulous B&B and doing Greenville!”

“NOT like last night!” I smiled with an upraised finger.

“NOTHING like last night!” Tina laughed.

From the backseat, Tina's mom smiled, seemingly up for anything, but mostly I suspected, relieved to be away from that reception hall filled with her in-laws.