I smiled. “Since you put it that way... How can I say no?”

Tina gave me a quick hug and instantly became all business.

“Good. Now we have to get you respectable.... don't take this the wrong way, but you kind of look like the poster child for 'the morning after'.”

“Is there a right way to take that?” I smirked.

Tina shrugged it off. “First, we have to do something about your hair.”

“What's wrong with my hair?”

“Nothing.... if you're going out clubbing ...or even going to the mall... but for a big event with my aunts and uncles and God knows who else will be there?.... It's way too.... twenty first century.”

“Um... it IS the 21st Century?” I reminded her. She just grinned.

“Not where we're going.” her smirk was wicked. “....let me get my curling iron....”

When Tina was finished I felt (and probably looked) like Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing.... which was supposed to be in, what, the 1950s? Pre-Beatles early 1960s?

The previous night's gray and silver metallic look 'hooker from the future' makeup had been replaced by muted earth tones which I felt much more comfortable with. Still, I felt I looked like a church-lady from 1961. ….read: '35 year old virgin'.

I thought the ring curls were a bit much, until I saw the peach A-Line dress Tina handed me. It had subtle pleats and looked like something your mom would wear to a PTA meeting. She then handed me the mock-pearl necklace and matching earrings and the jacket that went with the dress.

I shot her a 'You're joking, right?' look when she turned back to the closet and held the knit taupe twinset to her own torso with a 'you're not alone' resigned look.

I nodded sadly and began transferring my stuff to the June Cleaver purse she handed me. We got ourselves ready in relative silence. Tina would occasionally offer tidbits of what she considered helpful advice.

“My Aunt Rose is completely deaf and has no idea. Just smile and nod whatever she says. ….and don't blanche if she says really politically incorrect things. She's really sweet, but totally clueless. I don't think she's ever even met a Jewish or Asian person... So know anything outrageous she says comes out of an insulated but benign cluelessness. She really doesn't have a mean bone in her body, but don't try to set her straight, because she's hopeless ….and utterly deaf... so don't waste your breath....

….if any of my cousin Tony's friends try to hit on you, just remind them they all have girlfriends.... and after Tony & Donna's wedding, they are all under pressure to pop the question. Remind them that their tomcatting days are over and kids and mortgages are just a heartbeat away. THAT should quench their hard-ons and get them off your case.” Tina smiled wickedly.

I just nodded, trying to take everything in and thinking that shortly I was going to be wading in the shark pool with scores of strangers who thought I was just a single, pretty girl ...who, given the usual wedding dynamic, was feeling especially lonely and vulnerable and therefore a ripe prospect for any unscrupulous horndog. Suddenly I was glad I looked like an uptight second grade teacher and not like I did the night before.

I was beginning to regret agreeing to being Tina's plus one.

As Tina handed me the 'mom pumps' to match the outfit, I teased “what, no matching gloves?”. She shot me a thoughtful look, which upon seeing my face, morphed into a sardonic grin, once she realized I was being sarcastic. Whew. I just dodged a bullet. A self-inflicted one.

We all took separate cars to the church. I'm sure Tina's folks didn't expect any of their grown kids to ride with them, and I'm equally sure Frank and Sal took their own cars in case they scored at the reception, so Tina and I hopped into my humble little Hyundai and headed for the church.

On the way, I called my B&B and got Charles on the second ring.

“Hi Charles. It's Chloe Saville. I just wanted to give a call and say thanks for the list of things to see around town. I hope you're in when I get back this evening, because I'd really like to chat with you about some things.” I said brightly.

Charles laughed. “The pleasure is mine. And since I notice you didn't return last night, should I presume my list was better than I thought?”

I laughed back. “I hooked up with some friends and got hijacked into clubbing. By the time we all got back, it was easier to just crash with a friend.”

“Well, I didn't think you got abducted.... we got a grip on our lonely mountain man infestation years ago.” he chuckled.

“Good to know." I grinned. "I just wanted to call and say I hope we can catch up later today or this evening.”

“Another busy social calendar?” I could hear the amusement in his voice.

“It looks like I'm on my way to a wedding.” I laughed.

“Oh, my!” He replied in a dead-on George Takei “Please tell me there are no shotguns involved.” he chortled.

“Not on my part.” I laughed. “I'll let you know about the rest later.”

“Thanks for the update sweetie. Not that I'm the kind to wonder about a pretty stranger wandering around a town she's never been....”

I chuckled. “No. I'm sure you wouldn't. Still, I just wanted to call and say thanks for the list and I hope to see you later today.”

“I look forward to it” he said warmly.

Satisfied that I quelled any anxiety or curiosity about my failure to return to my B&B the previous night, I followed Tina's directions to the church.

We sat way near the back, which seemed to be Tina's idea, since the only family members who acknowledged us were the ones rude enough to crane their heads 180 degrees to glare at the latecomers. I noticed Tina's respectful nods of acknowledgment when glared at by members of her extend family. For my part, I just tried to project an aura of 'don't know, don't care.'.

It was a little hard to catch everything the priest was saying, but I quickly twigged that it wasn't English.

“Is that Italian?” I whispered to Tina, who smirked. Then nodded.

“In a way, I guess.... really old school. ...Roman.....”

Upon my confused look, she grinned “It's Latin.”

I made a face. I thought the Catholic Church stopped using Latin at about the same time Bing Crosby stopped playing movie priests.

“My family has this ….thing.... about tradition” she whispered. Then, giving me a cat that ate the canary grin “....in case you hadn't noticed.”

I smiled back. “So are they 'old school' or 'parochial school'?” I whispered. That caught Tina by surprise and her quickly clamped laugh came out as a loud sharp ...blip... as if she stubbed her toe and quickly stifled her outburst. Still, as it echoed through the cavernous church it was enough to cause a number of nosy heads to turn. I just continued gazing passively at the priest and happy couple as if I hadn't heard a thing. Tina stared down into her open hymnal so that all anyone could see was the top of her bowed head and not her beet red face.

It was a lovely, if vaguely confusing, service. I had been to Catholic Mass before, but always in English. Sometimes there were folk singers or other slight variations, but this seemed very different. Maybe this is how it was done in the last millennium. The very early days of the last millennium... like 1100 A.D.

'Old School' indeed!

When people started lining up for communion, the evil glares began in earnest. It was as if every member of her extended family and everyone else at the service was staring daggers at Tina, who made no hint of moving. She just sat there beside me and stared straight ahead obviously aware of all the disapproving glares but pointedly refusing to acknowledge them. When one older lady actually leaned into the pew, slapped Tina on the arm as if scolding a disruptive toddler and angrily cocked her head toward the crowd lining up for the front of the church, Tina finally broke her forward stare. She turned to the woman, mimed an eating gesture and shrugged. The woman shot her a disapproving scowl and irritatedly returned to the line.

Finally the service ended and before anyone had even stirred to move, Tina grabbed my elbow and leaned in. “Let's get the hell out of here.” she whispered.

We snuck out a side door. Tina obviously knew all the exits in this church. Or was it a cathedral? It was huge and ornate. It seemed to have all sorts of halls and passages and alcoves, yet Tina knew it like Indiana Jones.

We slid out a side entrance and worked our way around the side until we sidled into the crowd filling up the front of the church. As layer upon layer of wedding guests built up into the crowd swelling the front area, Tina had managed to maneuver us once again, into the very back... placing us staring at the backs of the heads of the entire wedding crowd.

It was then that I realized Tina's clever strategy. I shot her a smile and a nod. I think she realized that I finally understood her stealthy strategy, because she looked pleased as she returned my smile and nod. If we stayed where we were, the entire church would have had a chance to stare down Tina and her unfamiliar friend as they filed out. Tina had completely upended the dynamic and again it was we who were staring at them... well, the backs of their heads, and neither of us seemed to care about looking at any of them... just that they weren't looking at, staring, appraising, judging... either of us.

We stayed around long enough for Tina to be certain that she ….actually, we.... were in the background crowd of at least a half dozen wedding photos. Apparently satisfied that she had visual proof she had attended, she again grabbed my elbow and leaned in to whisper.... but I beat her to it, quietly smiling “Let's get the hell out of here.”

She beamed a grin and nodded, spinning quickly and striding with great purpose in the direction of my parked car.

Once we were in the car, Tina smiled. “We have some time... want to grab some takeout before the reception?”

I shot her a curious look. “Won't there be food at the reception?”

She nodded. “Something that tastes like chicken. And probably some kind of salisbury steak thing.... and something that's supposed to be some kind of fish.... but still probably tastes like chicken.....”

“You know the caterer.” I smiled. She grinned back.

“My uncle Angelo. I don't think he's really an uncle, just some old friend of the family's. He always caters these things. He has a.... well, he's not really a ...caterer... he does food service at a bunch of nursing homes and Saint Jerome's.... that's a home for retired priests... and he does some events at the KofC hall....” She explained. Then with a twinkle in her eye, she said “Let's pre-load on takeout.”

I nodded. I presumed she was trying to warn me that the food was mediocre middle school lunchroom.

“And refreshments?” I smiled as we made our way to this place she remembered.

“THAT... will be no problem.” Tina grinned. “My cousin Carmine always handles the bar. His family runs a wine and spirits distributor. And he knows people at the local bartenders school. They treat these events as graduate exams. I guarantee you will get whatever you want. I love playing stump the bar guy at these things. I almost never can.” she grinned.

“After last night, I think I'll stick with diet Sprite.” I smiled.

“Suit yourself.” Tina said. “But after a few hours with my family and Donna's friends, you may change your mind.”

I smiled politely, but she wasn't finished.

“If you find yourself ordering a double zombie and wanting to rip your own brain out by the end of the night, I won't judge.” Tina laughed.

I smiled politely wondering just what I had gotten myself into.

We had a surprisingly good meal from 'Pangs' – apparently the only Asian take out place in town – which explained the really diverse menu. When I saw it I presumed it was equally mediocre from Szechuan to sushi... but I quickly admitted I was being a prejudiced food-snob. Tina recommended the Gyoza, and she was so right. Still, I couldn't resist mixing it up, ordering everything from sashimi to bibimbap to find where they came up short.

I had to admit, they excelled at everything I ordered, from Kung Pao to Kimchee. I ended up ordering way more than I intended to eat because the menu was so diverse and I wanted to try almost everything. So we wound up having Asian Tapas! We each nibbled a little of everything and bagged most – except the sashimi – for leftovers.

After we had procrastinated as long as we could, Tina sighed heavily and directed me to the Knights of Columbus Hall.

The reception seemed well underway, yet a quick sweep of the crowd yielded no trace of the happy couple.

“They may be off changing” Tina said unconvincingly. Then with an evil grin added “...or bonking.”

At my look she grinned. “...which means they haven't changed at all!”

I grinned back.

No one seemed to notice, or care, that the happy couple weren't among the partying crowd.

Tina found our table, it was empty at the moment but there were drinks and random items indicating a number of seats had already been 'marked'. We did the same. I draped my jacket over the back of a chair. Tina examined a water glass, apparently deemed it 'virgin' and brought it to her lips, not actually drinking anything, but leaving large lipstick marks on the glass and placing it in front of the seat next to mine. She then turned to me with a wicked grin.

“Let's mingle.”

We had not traveled 50 feet from our table when a loud voice cried out “Christina!”

Tina turned and plastered on a smile. “Auntie Vera! So great to see you.”

This 50-ish woman in a rose wrap dress was storming through the crowd like a coast guard icebreaker headed straight for us. While utterly ignoring me, Vera wasted no time sizing Tina up. She placed her hands on Tina's shoulders and twisted her from side to side.

“College agrees with you.” she smiled. “What happened to the 'freshman fifteen'? You look even skinnier than you were in high school.” She seemed slightly perplexed. Then her face got a wicked gleam.

“Did you meet a boy?” she almost-leered.

Tina blushed and shook her head. “Aunt Vera, I'm a sophomore. ….and even last year, I never picked up the freshman fifteen. That's just an urban legend.” she smiled politely.

Vera wasn't buying it. With a devilish gleam in her eye she clucked “I understand dear. College is like Vegas. What happens there stays there.”

Grinning, Tina shot back “That's not college. That's uncle Vito's lake house.”

Vera seemed nonplussed for a moment, unsure how to react. Then she chose conspiratorial mirth and joined Tina's laugh.

“I see you still have your grandmother's tongue.” she laughed.

Tina reached out and grabbing her aunts elbow, turned her to me.

“Aunt Vera, I'd like you to meet my friend Chloe.”

I smiled politely, unsure of the protocol.

Vera's eyes quickly scanned me toes to top, she plastered on a polite smile and extended a hand.

“Chloe. ….is that.... French?” She asked ever so politely. She may as well have been politely asking “your gown.... is that real burlap?”

I smiled and nodded. “I believe so. Saville. Chloe Saville.” I said, channeling every Bond film I had ever seen and kind of wishing at the moment that I had a license to kill.

“How interesting.” She said with disinterest. “You know Christina from school?”

Tina quickly interjected. “Chloe was nice enough to give me a ride so I didn't have to spend a day on a bus.” she forced a smile, determined to keep it perky and superficial.

“So she drove you all the way here?” her eyebrow elevated. “And she's your date to the wedding?” Vera was beginning to look daggers at Tina.

“Oh. God, no.” Tina laughed nervously. It sounded very forced. “I asked..... well, um... that's not important.... he bailed on me and I had RSVP'd for two... so I figured as payback for driving me all the way here, I'd..”

“Introduce her to your entire family at your cousin Anthony's wedding?” Vera snipped.

Tina blanched, suddenly realizing what a misguided idea this was. For my part, I was remaining motionless ...like those kids avoiding the T-Rex in Jurassic Park.

“I should go..” I began to say, not knowing what else to do. Vera shot me a 'stay out of this French girl' glare and commandingly put up a 'stifle' hand.

Turning back to Tina, Vera leaned in. “You know these people. There will be talk. I can't believe your father let you.... wait... he doesn't know!.... this was your mother's idea!”

That did it. Tina's back stiffened and she looked her aunt in the eye with a ferocity I've never seen. She said quietly, kind of menacingly, in a near whisper. “This. Was. NO one's idea. I'm a grown woman and I make my own choices. I brought my friend here for moral support. I wanted someone to have my back because I knew the event would be filled with moments like this.” she nearly spat the last word. Her imperious aunt suddenly seemed a bit less haughty.

Backing down she replied quietly. “I'm only looking out for you dear. People will talk. You never dated all through high school. And now you're off to college out of town and you show up at Anthony's wedding with a girl as your date?” I felt the swipe of her eyes momentarily darting my direction.

Tina was not backing down. “How could I date with my dad running profiles on every boy who even said hello to me?” she whispered, the agitation unmistakable. “Talk to Tony. Hell, talk to Donna! NO one would even talk to me, because everybody knew about him!”

Vera chuckled. “Now now. I'm sure it wasn't that bad.”

Tina cut her off, still full of fury. “Yes. It WAS. He should've just locked me in a goddamned bubble. It would have been easier for all of us!” Suddenly Tina's eyes went wide, realizing she'd gone way over the line.

Vera looked ready to slap her down for cursing at her, but seeing Tina's expression, knew that Tina was already well aware and mortified at her own outburst. Vera softened slightly.

“I'm just saying.... you never dated in high school. And now you show up to your cousin's wedding with....” and she made a dismissive gesture in my direction. “...people will talk.”

Tina scowled. That scowl slowly morphed into an evil grin and I braced myself for whatever scheme she was cooking up.

“Well, I can't go around the reception being all loose and flirty.” she said to her aunt. “God, that would be incestuous and wrong! …..But Chloe can make it crystal clear that she is a very, very, straight girl.” And she turned to me with a mischievous smirk.

Oh crap.

As we broke away from the orbit of her aunt Vera, Tina plunged into the crowd, presumably with a goal in mind. I sidled up to her and leaned in to discreetly plead my case.

“You are not really planning to use me as a distraction to keep your family from asking why you don't have a love life. ….Are you?”

Tins shook her head. “No. Nah.... I just said that to get my aunt Vera off my case. ….still.... after last night we know you can make a spectacular distraction.” she leered.

“Oh God. Are you ever going to let me live that down? I never would have been in that situation..”

“As if there was just one” Tina laughed.

“Fine! ….any of those situations if you hadn't recruited me to join your friend Lauren's ….slut squad!”

Tina barked a laugh then quickly regained her composure. “Ohmigod. That's perfect! I'm going to have to tell her that one.... slut squad....” she chuckled to herself.

I put my hand on her shoulder and stopped walking. She had little choice but to stop too and turn to face me.

“I agreed to go out with you last night because we're friends. And even after all that, I still agreed to be your plus one at this reception.... because we're friends. But I have to be honest. You're really testing our friendship.” I tried to soften the harshness of my words with a smile, but I didn't want to soften them too much, because it really was how I was feeling.

Tina looked surprised, then very quickly her expression changed to repentance.

“Sorry if you felt I was using you. That was never my intention. It's just.... you're good company and things are just more fun when you're along.” She shrugged and flashed a shy smile.

Damn. I couldn't stay angry at her, and I'm sure she knew it. My harsh expression softened.

“Anyway.... if you intended me to get all flirty and tease-y with your extended family, why on earth did you insist on dressing me up like a librarian at a bible college?” I grinned.

She regarded me for just a little too long, then broke into a goofy grin.

“Y'know, you could be a NAUGHTY librarian....”

I rolled my eyes.

“...nothing sexier than some unbridled passion in the stacks.” she leered.

“Oh, puh-leeeze!” I lamented theatrically. Still, I was unable to completely squelch my smile.

We proceeded to wade into the crowd. Suddenly Tina grabbed my elbow and swerved.

“Tommy! Eddie! Who invited you?” Tina shouted across the crowd with a big grin on her face. Two big guys. I mean really big. They looked athletic, but curiously not that physically fit. One was quite stocky and practically bursting out of his tux like an overstuffed sausage. I immediately imagined him more at home in a letter jacket on his way to football practice. The other one was much skinnier. Tall and gaunt with reddish blonde hair and a face that looked like a partially cooked pizza. He kind of reminded me of the actor Michael Rapaport ….only taller, skinnier and with a terrible complexion. This guy had the worst acne I'd ever seen, and seemed to also be suffering from rosacea.

“Oh, hey Chris.” the ginger haired giant smiled. His stout friend just shot us a slightly perturbed look.

“We're ushers Chrissie... which you would have known if you bothered to go to the wedding.” stocky guy sneered in a put-upon voice.

I caught the gleam in Tina's eye. Obviously messing with these guys was another of her childhood traditions.

“Ahhhh.” she smiled. “....that would explain the... uh.... matching....” she vaguely pointed her hand waving over their tuxes, which really were about as far from matching as possible. Yeah, they were both gaudy and looked like they came from the clearance bin at the prom rental outlet. But the one on the tall guy draped like a tarp, while his stocky friend looked to be trying to burst out of his at every roll and bulge.

“Duh!” bulge-y guy said, while his friend just glanced down at him with a forlorn look, sensing full well that they were swaggering into a minefield. “What did you think it was?” he asked with a really annoying whine.

“When I saw the two of you standing side by side? …..All I could think of was 'gay wedding cake'.” Tina grinned. The tall one burst a laugh that sounded like a braying donkey before he could stifle it. He shot us a grin, no doubt heightened by his friends annoyance.

While stocky-guy fumed, no doubt fumbling mentally for a snappy retort, gangly guy smiled down at us.

“Geez, Chris. You look great! College sure agrees with you!”

Tina broke into a smile. It was honest and relaxed. “God, thanks Ed. Yeah. I really love it. How about you?”

“Doing some stuff at community college & tech classes.... HVAC training.” He smiled.

Tina nodded. “Cool.” Then she blushed. “....no pun intended!”

They both laughed. They seemed to be old comfortable acquaintances.

Then beefy guy spoke up. “Who's your ….friend?”. I turned to notice he was staring at me. Well, at my chest actually.

Tina shot me an apologetic look. I wasn't sure if it was because she failed to introduce me or because she had tried to avoid getting me involved and failed.

“This is my friend Chloe.... from school....” she lied. “Chloe, Ed O'Rahilly...” gangly guy bowed slightly with a smile “...and Tom Barrone...” stocky guy nodded with what sounded like a snort. “Chloe spared me a brutal bus ride and is exploring Greenville for the weekend. After all that, the least I could do was feed her and let her meet my friends”

“...and your family...” beefy guy snorted. I got the feeling that instead of a tux, he should be wearing a t-shirt with 'certified tool' printed on it. Then again, he didn't need one.

“They're your family too.” Tina shot back.

Turning to me, the slight pain obvious on her face, she shrugged an apologetic grin. “We're cousins.”

“Tom is. I'm not. No relation.” Gangly guy interjected with raised finger and a grin.

“You look altogether too happy about that.” I smiled. His face fell as beefy guy shot him a glare.

“I... uh... no... I just mean....” he stammered.

I never knew skin that pale could turn so bright red. I suddenly felt terrible.

“Just teasing.” I smiled. “Obviously you guys are all old friends. And aren't friends really the extended family we get to choose?” I hoped I was wriggling out of the corner I worked myself into.

He relaxed and smiled. The blood began to leave his face, which made me relax too. He had looked like a blister ready to pop.

“I never thought of it that way.” he grinned. ...at Tina.

Oh there was definitely something there. I hid my own wicked grin.

“We all went to school together.” Tina explained as if it weren't obvious.

I smiled and nodded.

“Since middle school.” Gangly Ed said, still giving Tina a warm gaze which she either didn't notice or acknowledge.

“So. What's your deal?” Beefy Tom asked, still kind of glaring at me.

“Say what now?” I asked, suddenly sounding very Texas and having no idea where that came from. Still, it worked. The response seemed to throw him too. At least long enough for Tina to butt in.

“I told you. I met Tina at school.” She quickly tried to turn the conversation from the dark place it was obviously headed from the tone of his voice.

“What are you. One of her teachers? You look like a teacher.” Tom was undeterred.

I shot him a smile. I was going for arrogant confidence. Not sure I succeeded.

“Ti... Christina.... you didn't need to tell me you two were related.” I turned to him “Mind if I call you little Ken? You are SO like your uncle.”

He went red. Not as red as his reedlike friend. Just average human-blush red. His fuming made my smile broader.

“No matter if you DO mind. I am SO calling you little Ken!” I beamed. He fumed.

“Christ! You college bitches are so pushy.” He muttered.

I shot him a glare, raised two fingers in his direction and loudly clucked my tongue. “Language, young man!”

To my amazement, it worked. He instantly backed down and lowered his eyes like a scolded dog. Out of the corner of my eye I caught Tina's surprise. ….and delight.

Tina seized the opportunity to get us moving.

“You two... behave!” she grinned. “This reception is filled with vulnerable women dreaming of romance and their own happy ending. Don't go taking advantage.” she teased.

Stocky Tom broke out into an evil leer as if Tina had just pointed out a buffet table. Gangly Ed just grinned, smiling down at Tina. It was clear to everyone (except possibly her) that he only had eyes for one person at the reception.

“Maybe we'll see you la...” he raised his hand to wave when Tom grabbed him by the elbow and yanked him away.

“Hey toolsack!” Tom yelled across the room at someone and Ed made an apologetic shrug to us before being pulled away to join his boisterous mate on their rounds.

“Sorry about that.” Tina offered a sheepish smile.

“No worries.” I smiled back with a shrug. “Families.... we all have them.” And I fought back a reflexive wince as I thought of my own.

She relaxed and we continued to mingle. She introduced me to a lot of the folks she went to high school with, though they were all the bride's friends and not hers as they took passive aggressive pride to make crystal clear. They didn't have to expend that much effort. It was obvious to me from what I already knew of Tina that these phony, catty girls and clueless, tool-ey guys were not the kinds of people she would hang out with... in high school or ever. I sensed Tina's stress level rising a bit. It was like a convention of all the reasons she moved to another state to attend college.

“You OK?” I gently grabbed her hand.

She nodded yes. But 'not really' was in her eyes.

“Must be a trip to come back and see how much has changed. ….and how much hasn't.” I smiled.

She let out a small snort as the grin began to grow on her face. “....yeah....” she nodded, surveying the hall.

“You're practically a tourist here yourself at this point.” I said brightly. “Just passing through for a few days then you're off again.” As I had hoped, framing it that way seemed to cheer her up. “But unlike me, you know your way around.... all the places to visit....”

“...and avoid.” She finished my sentence for me and gave my hand a squeeze. “...wish I had thought to add this place to that last list.” she sighed.

“Probably not an option” I smiled shaking my head slowly. “Some things you can't get out of ….or really shouldn't.... like weddings, funerals, jury duty....”

Tina laughed. Her anxiety beginning to fade.

We circulated a little more and Tina introduced me to more of her relatives and old schoolmates. The entire crowd pretty much broke into those two categories. There were the extended family members who greeted “Chrissy” like the prodigal returning from the inconceivable foreign land... and always being reminded by Tina that she was just back for a visit. Then there were the high school acquaintances – admittedly, the bride's friends – who treated Tina like a social cold-sore that had suddenly flared up again just in time for the yearbook photo. Tina conceded that it wasn't just because these were Donna's friends. She reminded me that she was the 'quirky chick with the crazy dad', and that while she maybe wasn't exactly an outright pariah in school, she was the uncool girl that most classmates gave a wide berth. That was OK with her, since she seemed to have a mutual contempt for the majority of her classmates.

The band stopped playing and a guy got to the mic asking everyone to take their seats as the happy couple had finally returned from ….wherever they had been... and the festivities were about to officially begin.

We found our way to our assigned tables. We were seated with a number of older people, I suppose that made sense since this was Tony & Donna's wedding and their friends. Although there were many people Tina's age at the reception, it was clear that none of them was her friend. I presumed even the one guy at the table near our age was a relative given the reflexive head nod between the two.

I found the chair where I'd draped my jacket and Tina sat beside me.

“Chloe, you already know my Aunt Vera... this is my uncle Lou....”

The older guy next to Vera gave a head nod from across the table.

“Who else is here?” Tina asked the couple. Lou shrugged. Vera scowled.

Before we could get an answer, we were joined by the other two at our table.

“Father Shaun!” Tina yelled to the incredibly elderly priest who pulled out the chair next to a scowling Vera.

He looked up, confused. “What?” he addressed the general table.

Tina leaned across the table and held out a hand. “Nothing. I was just saying hello. It's been ages.”

He looked warily at her hand, then at her. Eventually he just snorted and loudly plopped into his chair.

“Old friend of the family.... going way back....” Tina whispered to me. “I think my grandfather was an altar boy for him.”

“I think 8 of the 12 apostles were altar boys for him” grinned the guy who slid into the seat between Father Shaun and myself.

Tina shot him a look, Vera made a loud 'tsssst' sound. He threw his hands up with a smile. “Forget about it. He can't hear a thing. He probably doesn't even know where he is.” he grinned.

Vera gave him a disapproving scowl. Tina seemed almost as annoyed as her aunt. With a face that looked like she just caught the scent of something fowl, she looked at the guy, who seemed about our age, and said “Chloe this is...”

The guy instantly shot out of his chair, which was wholly unnecessary since he was sitting right next to me, still he stood over me, hand extended.

“Jerome. Jerome Rossi.” He beamed. “You know.... like the saint?”

“Ah. Saint Rossi.” I nodded politely.

“I like her.” He said to a still scowling Vera. “She's funny.” Then he turned to me. “You're funny!” he grinned.

“And you're Jerome.” I smiled politely. “Nice to meet you.”

He just continued to grin. “Way more than nice. This is epic!”

I darted my eyes to a very unhappy Tina. I had no idea what this guy was saying, but whether it made sense to her or not, Tina seemed to be growing more annoyed by the second.

Tina and Vera both looked like they wanted to speak, but we were all interrupted by someone tapping a spoon on a wine glass, and soon all eyes were on the happy couple and the wedding party as the festivities began.

They got through the rituals, from the awkward toast by the best man – which may have rated – as Jerome would say – epically awkward. To a father of the bride dance that seemed inappropriately ….carnal, a cake cutting ceremony which I was sure was going to erupt in a flat-out food fight among the entire hall, a garter ceremony that should have required clearing the hall of minors, and other rituals that somehow seemed some alternative (and R-rated) universe version of established traditions. I've never been to Mardi Gras or Carnivale, but after this reception, I feel I've come as close to the experience as I'd ever care to.

As soon as the 'festivities' were over, Tina pushed back her chair and turned to me with a relieved smile. Before she was even fully out of her chair, her aunt Vera had shot from her own and was whisking Tina away by the arm. Although honestly, from the expression on Tina's face, 'abducting' would not be an inaccurate description.

The moment the two women were away, Jerome leaned towards Lou and Father Shaun and shouted over the now-blaring band. “You two chat among yourselves.” He then turned to me with an ear to ear grin and shouted. “Let's dance!”

Before I could even respond, he had one hand on my elbow and the other in the small of my back and I found myself catapulted towards the middle age moshpit that served as the Knights of Columbus Hall's 'dance floor'.

Fortunately Jerome wasn't a terribly tactile dancer. He just stood a few feet from me, hopefully just out of striking distance, and began writhing and flailing like someone who had just stepped on a high tension cable. His Joker-like permagrin belied the fact that he was having any sort of seizure, despite what his jerking body and twitching limbs would indicate. There was something about his 'dance' that I could not place. When I thought of Elaine's dancing on Seinfeld, I failed to suppress my smirk. To my dismay, Jerome took this as approval of his dance skills and brought everything up a notch. I backed a bit further, as far as I could in the crowd. No one seemed to want to get too close to the dancing dervish so I found myself pressed into a wall of people going through their own motions of dancing, all the while taking in the spectacle of my dance partner with a mixture of dismay and malevolent fascination. The attention only seemed to feed his energy. I fully expected at any moment that he'd break into a full split and begin writhing around the floor in an energetic 'Worm'.

To my great relief the Springsteen song the band had been playing ended and the room fell silent. People began to quickly evacuate the dance floor. As the crowd ahead of me slowly tricked off the dance floor, I wished they'd move faster so I could leave too before the music ...oh, crap!

Jerome caught the attention of the band. They all grinned wickedly back at him and broke into an ear shattering rendition of Mambo Number 5. I felt as if I was nearly free when I felt Cthulu wrap a tentacle around my ankle. OK, it was really just Jerome's hand around my wrist, but the dismay was the same.

We had the dance floor to ourselves. My first thought was that the other dancers had fled when the music stopped. But I noticed they were now ringing the dance floor watching us with reactions from evil glee to the look of people who are compelled to stare at a grizzly accident. It reminded me of nothing more than a scene out of West Side Story where everyone was watching two people about to go at it in a knife-fight.

Before I even had time to panic that I was not really a dancer... Well, I liked to 'shake it on the dancefloor' as much as the next girl, but I was no dancing-with-the-stars athletic performer with choreographed moves... In fact, I didn't really have any moves. But that didn't seem to matter as Jerome flung me around like a rag doll to the music. He pulled me in tight and shot me away, firmly gripping my wrist so that when we got to full arms length I was painfully snapped back like some sort of human yo-yo trick. I quickly stopped worrying about having any 'moves' and devoted all my energy to the struggle of maintaining my balance and not sprawling onto the floor while being wrenched around like a passenger on some criminally unsafe carnival ride.

I quickly became so dizzy and disoriented that there was no room for embarrassment. I simply wanted to survive this 'ride'. I'm pretty sure that I was virtually tossed head over heels. It was fast and startling - like a judo flip. I found myself rolling down Jerome's back and somehow managed to land on my feet as he spun back to face me and the wild ride continued. The few times I did actually lose my footing was when I was dipped so violently toward the floor, I fully expected my snapping head to bounce off it like a handball. I will have to give this to Jerome. He seemed like an out of control carnival ride, but he always pulled it back before things fell apart. Against all expectations, I avoided a concussion. Although I had a strong hunch that within a day or two, whiplash might be a serious concern.

It seemed like hours, but if I recall, the song is only about 3 minutes long. Then again, as I recall, so is that really scary part of re-entry of a space capsule. When the song ended, Jerome took a deep bow to the hooting crowd and before I knew it I was spun off my feet and his deep bow had transformed into a deep dip as he jammed his tongue down my throat in front of the rowdy, whooping crowd.

My gag reflex came to my rescue, and I think Jerome suddenly thought I was going to throw up into his mouth. He jettisoned me like someone lobbing a grenade and finally my head did bounce off the floor. Still, possible concussion seemed like a preferable fate to the intrusion by the amorous anteater.

The crowd laughed as I remained splayed on the floor. I was dazed and disoriented. The room was still spinning as I tried to gather my wits. I thought it was more residual dizziness from the ride I just endured than anything from the hard contact my skull just had with the floor. Still, I wanted to stay down as long as they'd permit me while I collected my composure and caught my breath. I looked up and noticed Jerome had already moved on. The rest of the crowd were watching me expectantly. I wanted to announce 'Nothing more to see here. Move along.' but before I could, a hand reached out from the sea of smirking faces.

It was Tina. A very contrite Tina. As she opened her mouth to speak, the world's loudest wedding band jumped into a Bruno Mars tune and I could only watch her lips mouth 'I'm SO sorry!'. I smiled, recalling that night I met her at St@t!c and mused that if one of us couldn't have read lips, we'd never have struck up a conversation.

I reluctantly gathered myself to my feet and sensed that the impatient people wanting to dance were thinking 'about frickin' time'. Tina held my arm and wrapped her other 'round my waist, which was a relief because I still didn't feel too steady on my feet. We made our way back to our table, where Vera was watching us approach with a perma-glare. Before we arrived at our table but after we got far enough from the band to barely hear each other, Tina shouted “SO sorry I ditched you! Aunt Vera pulled me aside to warn me that she thought Jerry might be off his meds.” She scowled. And the lightbulb went off over my head. She read it on my face and flashed me a conflicted smile. “Yeah. And by yanking me away, she left you there like a rabbit in a wolf den.” Tina shook her head angrily. “As she began to tell me, I knew we never should have left you alone. By the time I got back, it was just Uncle Lou and Father Shaun. While I frantically scanned the room I heard Mambo Number 5 and knew it was already too late.”

I shot her a confused look. “You heard Ma....”

She cut me off with a conflicted smirk. “It's his patented move. Especially when he's off his lithium. When he was five it was cute. He was kind of like hyperactive Webster and grownups couldn't get enough of it. Eventually they did, but he didn't. As he grew older it got less and less cute, but it didn't matter to Jerry. Turns out he doesn't do it for the attention... at least not any more.... he just does it because he loves doing it. And there are some people....” she scanned the room with a scowl “....who think it's hilarious to encourage him.”

“Tony & Donna's friends” I ventured. Tina shook her head.

“Tony's friends don't because they know they're related, and Tony would beat them senseless if they encouraged his cousin to make a spectacle. …..as if he would need encouragement....”

“But Donna's friends....” I cracked a slight smile.

“Yeah. Did I mention that she's an evil bitch?” Tina smirked.

“I recall you saying something about that.” I grinned.

“Well, they run in packs. So, yeah... her friends would encourage anyone not in their clique to publicly humiliate themselves.”

“Which I just did.” I scowled.

Tina made dismissive gestures. “No. Nah. Not really. It was all Jerry. You just got sucked into the tornado.”

“Well, judging from the looks I'm getting, I still feel like I made a public spectacle of myself too.”

Tina shot me a concerned look. I think she was trying to figure out how to dispel my embarrassment. I put her out of my misery.

“Good thing I don't know or care who any of these people are and will never see them again.” I grinned. Tina relaxed as we reached our table.

“Christina!” her aunt Vera snapped. If looks could kill, I guess this would be considered a warning shot.

Tina gave her aunt a puzzled look. I saw Vera's eyes locked on Tina's hand around my waist before she did. I pulled away and took my chair.

“Thanks for helping me back. I'm still so dizzy, I'd probably still be weaving though the crowd trying to find my bearings.” I smiled to Tina.

She returned my smile. “It was the least I could do. I'm SO sorry we left you alone without so much as a warning.” I caught her return her aunt's glare. Vera backed down instantly and seemed knocked off her high horse.

“In all fairness, you were NOT left alone with Jerome.” Vera turned to look at Lou, who refused to make eye contact and gave a slight shrug. He was NOT going to get dragged into this. Realizing it was futile, Vera turned to scowl at Father Shaun. She got no better satisfaction as he seemed to be asleep. Tina and I exchanged glances. I knew we were both hoping he was merely asleep.

“Have some water.” Tina smiled as she handed me my glass. “Let me know when the dizziness passes.”

“I think it's gone.” I smiled. “But I think I might like something a little stronger than water.”

Tina laughed. “I TOLD you! Let me introduce you to my cousin Carmine.”

In the end, I settled for a Proseco & Aquafina. It was enough to calm my nerves but not to trigger an unpleasant flashback of the night before.

“I am SO pissed at my aunt!” Tina said. “She pulled me aside to say she thought Jerry had stopped taking his lithium. As soon as she said that I realized that we ditched you at the table alone with him. I could have killed her on the spot for that.”

“...I wasn't entirely alone....” I shrugged.

“Father Shaun and my Uncle Lou? You were essentially on your own. Father Shaun hasn't known where he is since the 1980s and Uncle Lou has carried 'minding his own business' to insane extremes for years. After being married to auntie Vera for 40 years, he counters her snoopiness with his own extreme indifference. You could burst into flames in front of him and at best he'd mutter 'someone should do something'.” Tina rolled her eyes. “Still, I'm surprised you agreed to dance with my cousin Jerry.”

I smiled sardonically. “Agreement had nothing to do with it. The band started playing, his eye got a gleam, and next thing I was being yanked by the arm like a toddlers bear and found myself on the floor with ….the dance demon....”

Tina laughed. “God, I'm going to have to remember that. That's perfect. Yeah, it's my cousin Al's band. He knows the songs that just set Jerry off and can't resist pushing those buttons.

I rubbed my head. “I hope I don't have a concussion.”

“Trust me” Tina laughed. “If you got away from an encounter with Jerry with only a concussion, you're ahead of the curve.” Then she got serious. “Do you want to go somewhere and have it looked at?”

I shook my head. I hadn't really hit the floor that hard. I was more startled by it than injured.

Tina's face suddenly broke into a smile. “I have an idea.” She lifted onto her toes and began craning her neck into a sweep of the hall like a searchlight. Suddenly she found what she had been looking for. She dropped from her toes and grabbed my arm. “You need to meet Enzo.” She tore across the hall to a prematurely bald guy chatting to one of the bridesmaids. Tina tore between them like a bouncer breaking up a fight.

“'scuse me... medical emergency.... flirt with him later Angie...” and she practically body-checked the extremely annoyed bridesmaid, who took a deep breath and was about to rebut... but Tina never gave her the chance.

“Enzo. Hi. Sorry to interrupt.” Tina made an apologetic face, then turned to the bridesmaid with an expression that wasn't at all apologetic. In fact, if I had to caption it, I'd probably choose 'why are you still here?'.

Tina yanked me in front of Enzo and went on, not even taking a breath to let Angie get a word in. “This is my friend Chloe, and I think Jerry may have given her a concussion.”

Enzo's brows furrowed and he made a face. He did not seem happy. Then again, neither he did he seem surprised. He quickly pulled me to him and lifted my head to him.

“What exactly happened?” He asked as he continued to move his hands over my head and face. His fingers surveyed my scalp, presumably for bumps or something. He took my chin in his hand and swiveled my head from looking left to looking right as the fingers on his other hand felt the tendons in my neck muscles. I tried to answer him, but it wasn't easy as he kept moving my head every which way.

“Um. He dragged me to the dancefloor and, um....” I wasn't sure exactly how to describe it.

Enzo's face got a bitter smile. “Ah. I heard Mambo Number 5.”

That seemed to explain everything so I cut to the punchline.

“Then he swept me into a deep dip and let me go. My head bounced off the floor as he walked off the dancefloor and into the crowd.”

Enzo scowled. He tilted my head back and had me open my eyes wide. Apparently not wide enough because he gently lifted the skin above my lids and had me roll my eyes around. He tilted my head toward some lights in the ceiling. Then he had me follow his finger with my eyes. He seemed satisfied with my response to his quick exam.

“Your responses all seem fine. I wouldn't stress about it.” He smiled.

“Thanks doc.” I smiled. And caught Tina's wince as Enzo raised his fingers.

“Oh, I'm not ….exactly... what you seem to be thinking.” He chuckled. “I don't know what Christina told you.”

“Um. She just said 'You need to meet Enzo' and dragged me to you.”

He nodded. Then startled. “How rude of me. Enzo. Enzo Cestaro.”

“Doctor Enzo Cestaro.” Tina held up a finger.

Enzo shrugged. “I run Noah's Ark-Aid..... it's a veterinary clinic in Cobb's Landing.”

“So he IS a doctor....” Tina struggled to spin it.

“I'm a vet.” He smiled shyly. “But I'd still trust my prognosis. I played rugby in school and I'm no stranger to concussion.” He smiled. “Just don't ask me for any pain scrips.” His grin was devilish.

“I was going to say 'thank you and a pleasure to meet you'...” I mused. “Maybe I should just give you my paw.” I grinned and proffered my hand like an eager pup.

Enzo threw his head back and barked a laugh. Turning back to me with rosy cheeks and his smiling eyes glistening with the trace of a tear of laughter he fought to hold back, he chuckled “THAT's the kind of gratitude I got into this career for.”

Suddenly his eyes darted into the crowd. Enzo abruptly grabbed my hand and with a forced smile said “Let's dance”. Which clearly annoyed the bridesmaid who had been chatting him up.

As I was kind of dragged to the dance floor I groped to understand what just happened. I faintlly managed to blurt out “Is this another concussion test?” With an ambivalent smile.

Enzo gave me an apologetic look. “More like a prophylactic reflex to avoid future concussion. I saw Jerome coming at us like an RPG."

I winced involuntarily. “Thanks for the rescue.” I smiled.

“Least I could do. He's only a third cousin, but I find I often end up dealing with the result of his antics at family gatherings. Did Christina ever tell you of the time he 'freed the lobsters' at a big 50th anniversary party in a very posh restaurant?”

I tried to keep a straight face and mostly succeeded. But I was sure I would not be able to hold back the giggle, so I kept my lips tight and simply shook my head.

“Oh, the stories I could tell. He's a good guy actually. But when he's off his meds, which happens rather often actually..... I can't entirely blame him, I'm sure the chemical straightjacket is terrible.... still, when he 'goes clean' and gets manic, consequences no longer register with him and he becomes a bit of a danger to himself – and others – like you."

I nodded. Enzo and I were dancing fairly close to a slow song when I felt the strong tap on his shoulder through his physical contact with me. It wasn't a tap so much as a violent poke.

“Cutting in!” The voice said.

Enzo released me and spun around. “No Jerry. Find your OWN dance partner.”

Jerome darted around him and grabbed me, yelling at his cousin “No fair. Cuts-ies are allowed!”

Before Enzo could even get a word out, Jerome yanked me deeper into the dance floor and wrapped around me like a python.

“Hey baby. I thought I lost you.” he leered as he dove in at me with his mouth open and his tongue out like ….well, like a snake.

Before he was able to assault my face, I felt another tap through his body. But this wasn't a tap. It was a rough shove. Jerry spun furiously to face the 'tapper'.

“Cutting IN.” Tina's dad said with steely resolve. Jerry scowled and fought to suppress his fury, but even in his fugue state he had enough sense to realize the futility of this encounter. He spat an epithet and stormed off the floor.

Ken held me in a polite yet almost close manner and continued the dance to the slow ballad.

“You seem to be the most popular dance partner at this affair.” he grinned. “I'm surprised you have any room left on your dance card.”

“I fear I will have to turn it in for a fresh one like an overused passport.” I smiled.

“Or maybe you should just sit the rest of this party out.” Ken grinned.

“Fine by me. But others seem to have their own ideas.”

“I'll take care of Jerome. Were you and Enzo.....?”

I laughed. “No. Ti... Christina introduced us after Jerome nearly gave me whiplash, and he dragged me to the dancefloor to escape a storming Jer....”

“I saw it. Enzo's a good guy, but he's too polite to handle Jerome when he gets like this.”

“Thanks for the rescue.” I smiled. “I seem to be needing a lot of them recently.”

Ken chuckled. “Of course you do. You're one of Christina's friends.”

I cocked my head and gave him a quizzical look.

“You met her friends last night and her family today” Ken laughed. “Is it any wonder that Chris.... that Tina and her friends need routine rescues?”

“I hope she knows how lucky she is to have you.” I whispered into his year. “Thanks for the rescue.”

Ken smiled and nodded. “No problem mystery girl.”

I could feel the blood leave my face. Already Ken had started snooping. And apparently he hit my firewall.