“BOOM!” Goes the snub nose revolver I test fired making my ears ring. The smell of gunpowder permutated from the gun. I never shot a revolver before, but this is the first and last day I fire one. My body was jittering as I pull back the hammer of the revolver.
I walk into my garage. I was dark and warm. A nice place to end it all. I sit down in a chair and put the revolver in my mouth. I slide my thumb in the trigger guard. I close my eyes and slowly squeeze the trigger.
“Click,” says the revolver. I take the revolver out of my mouth. I pull my legs into the fetal position and cry.
I thought I wanted to die but in the end. I don’t want to die. I have too many good things going for me to just end it all.
But, you’ll never be a real girl. You’ll always be a tranny. A delusional faggot that should be gassed like the rest.
That isn’t true. You know that isn’t true. Being a girl doesn’t always mean physically. Trouser snake or no trouser snake. You are a girl.
Listen to your thoughts! See just how delusional you are? Just end it all. Maybe you’ll be reincarnated and maybe life will be interesting again.
But, what if there isn’t reincarnation?
The risk has to be worth the reward.
How would daddy feel about it? He’ll go mental. I remember the last time I tried to do something like this. He practically begged me to stay in his room.
Fuck him. He doesn’t understand you. He just wants you because you remind him of his wife, your mother. He misses her more than he would miss you.
Maybe you’re right. Maybe it would be a good idea to end it. Maybe I should kill myself.
Yes, now you’re seeing it. Let’s take the risk. Nobody cares about you, us. We have to do what we want to do and you know what we want.
I cock the gun and put it back into my mouth. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.Tear fall as I squeeze the trigger and the world fades to black.
To be a girl.
Comments
Wait... what?...
No... NO. NO, NO, NO!!! A hundred, a thousand, a million times, NO!
We fight, we live, we go on. We have the power to go on, to make our world better. It is within each of us. It’s true that the hardest thing in this world is to live in it, but we all have the power to stand up. Are you ready to be strong?
Well that was just what I needed to read right now...
NOT!!!
Effective storytelling though...
(If that's where your head is, PLEASE talk to someone.
Voices-in-your-head usually aren't the best advice givers...)
~hugs, Veronica
What borders on stupidity?
Canada and Mexico.
.
WOW
Not Good sad story HUGS
I understand the story,
I understand the story, however I do not care for it because I had to deal with way too many results of such actions over my 42 years in LE work. The hardest was having to telling a family or family member that their son or daughter or wife or husband was dead.
More than just family members are affected by a death, especially a suicide type death.
You also have the one(s) who find the person; or the one(s) who may be the medical team; that attempts to revive a person if that is possible, or the Medical Examiner/Coroner and so forth.
If you are considering this "way out", please reconsider, you are not taking away pain, you will be inflicting on others you may love, or who love you even if they do not show it.
If you know of someone who is considering harming themselves, help them to not do so.
Sometimes it just takes another sitting and LISTENING to them to ease their pain. You simply LISTEN without judgement of any type, no comments, no actions, just listening.
I wish everyone well who reads this and know there is someone(s) who LOVE and PRAY for you, even if you don't know them personally, but just through this website.
I understand the story
Like most of what I call "real" Cop's you never really leave the job. You are still stepping up to help others Janice. Preserving life and the peace and providing safety so others can live in peace, is thee any higher calling? God bless. T.
I am a Proud mostly Native American woman. I am bi-polar. I am married, and mother to three boys. I hope we can be friends.
Don't worry. I'm ok for the most part
I wanted to write what I was thinking when I was about to do the unthinkable. Except what if I actually did it
I’m glad you’re okay
If you ever need to talk, then please, talk. If you can’t find someone IRL that you can open up to, let me be someone who will listen. I promise I won’t judge.
From the first time I read some of your stories I fell in love with your writing. We lose too many good people, I spent last night listening to the listing of the names from the past year (trans day of remembrance), I don’t want to keep losing. That’s kinda why I had such a strong emotional outburst, I wanted to make sure you knew there were people who would notice the loss of your beautiful light within this world.
umm
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"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin