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Hi! This is my first post, so I'm a bit nervous. I have trouble putting my emotions into words, whenever I try I end up frustrated. This means I usually just bottle up my emotions, fighting to keep the down, to wear that fake smile that never reaches my eyes. I feel like I'm lying when I talk to others who think they know me, who think they know how I feel and in a way I am. They see my act falter and they wonder what's wrong, but I push them away. Even my family gets pushed away. They ask why I stay in my room all the time, separated from them. They ask why I don't hold conversations with them or interact with them more than necessary. The answer is so simple, but I can never summon enough courage to tell them. The reason I push everyone and everything away is because I'm scared that my smile will falter, that they will see through the happy façade I present. I'm afraid they will see the true me and be repulsed like I am. So day by day I relegate myself to sitting in my room wallowing in self-pity, isolating myself from the world, from my reality. As the days go by I feel the depression eating away inside of me, slowly tearing chunks of my personality away from me to be lost in the void I call my life. I can physically feel the pain in my chest when I can't find some source of distraction to redirect my attention from my life. Books, video games, music, they all eventually fail to keep the pain and sorrow restrained and in check. I always find myself sitting in front of my laptop wandering the Bigcloset for fantastical stories of my dream to be a girl coming true for the characters. These stories are a double edged sword, while I read them I become the character, the one whose life is fixed and whose body matches their mind spirit and soul. The feeling of contentment and rightness this brings doesn't last, when the final word is read and the story is finished I feel as though for that amount of time I had become the person I am meant to be, but then it is taken from me. I keep dipping lower and lower into depression, I feel the pain sharper and more crisp with each passing second, and become unable to feel happiness and joy. I feel as though I am life's punching bag, made only to be beaten and tossed aside when I am no longer needed. I feel myself drowning while those around me are breathing easy and every time I get close to breaking the surface of the lake that has me trapped, I feel myself grabbed around the ankles by the chains that cause my sorrow. They pull me down and i can never be free.
Comments
as hard as it is
the only real way to fight off the feelings is to tell your family what is really going on.
get the process started to match the exterior you to the interior you.
most of us have been where you are and know exactly how you are feeling.
it isn't easy to tell the family.
it can cause the family to reject you, though that is less common now than it used to be.
you won't ever feel better about the situation until you start getting the inner and outer you to match up.
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
Best Wishes
I hope that you can find a way to get better. I can think of several things one can try. (PM me if you want the suggestions.) One thing seems to help, at least temporarily: act -- do something to attempt to improve an issue that you feel strong about.
Meanwhile, Hugs.
-- Daphne Xu
You don't mention your age
which could affect what you could do to try and ameliorate your sadness, but it looks as if you need to speak to somebody rather than keeping all this pain inside you, preferably to someone who might be able to help. It does get better eventually once you grasp the nettle and do something about it.
Angharad
Chemical imbalance
Depression is a multiple problem. There isn't a one size fits all fix. Sometimes it is due to an injury such as head trauma. Sometimes it is a history of mental beat down as one was never given encouragement. And sometimes it is a chemical imbalance. All of these could be happening at the same time or happen at any age.
Because we aren't on a personal meeting situation I can only recommend a try at chemical imbalance. If this is the problem it can cure it in a week or it might take a year. Again, no one size fits all. None will hurt as long as you remember the story about water. Water is necessary for us but we can drown so it can be lethal.
Try: 1: Folic Acid
2: St. John's Wort
3: Vitamin B complex (all the B vitamins in one pill)
4: Vitamin D
5: Vitamin C
6: Coconut oil (comes in pill)
If one is suffering from a chemical imbalance this should do it. If it is a mental where one has been mentally abused then? What would really help is a friend who encouraged you everyday. Sometimes it is the smallest things such as, "Nice shirt, looks good on you." as long as the compliment is sincere.
I wish you happiness as everything else will fall into place
always,
Barb
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
I agree with everything Dawnfyre wrote
It's a big bullet to bite telling your family but if you are going to seek professional help, and it sounds like you should, then they will get to hear anyway. This is one of the best sites to express your feelings as there are so many people here who have gone through the same things you are going through, and will totally empathise with you.
Best wishes, and please let us know how you go. Bron
Depression -
Do not ignore this! Depression is dangerous and believe it or not can cause physical ailments. Talk to your family if you think they will help, if not; talk to your doctor; talk to your spiritual councelor; or consider getting professional help. Few people can deal with this alone. I know. I've been where you are.
In the meanwhile, I do have some simple excercises that helped me. Stop hiding from your depression at least some of the time. You can't get better until you face it. Find something in your life you can take control of, no matter how small and do that. Then find something else. Try to do this everyday with something. It will help. You have to take control of your life and emotions. It's not easy but you need to try.
Try meditation. Get a book at the library on it or take a yoga class. It can really help!
Try to think about something positive everyday. Hunt for something positive in every situation no matter how small.
Work on a plan to change your life to be what you want it to be. If you want to change your gender, work on a plan to make it happen no matter how long it takes. Try starting a journal and document your plan and any successes you have toward that end. If you have a failure document it too and how you are going to change your approach so the next time so you will succeed.
Finally, I repeat! Get help! Some of this stuff you can deal with yourself, and some of it you will need help with. You may have chemical problems. Go to your doctor and ask for a complete physical, including comprehensive blood work. My depression problems turned out to be hormonal problems, once was situational, and then an extreme vitamin deficiency another time. The hormonal problem was a virtually 0 testosterone level and I wasn't on any kind of blocker then.
Get help, please! You need to be able to get out and live your life, whether as a man or a woman should be important only to you.
Good luck and stay in touch on this site or with someone who knows what is going on. This is a good site with many people here who really care. You've already taken the first most important step toward getting better. You've admitted you have a problem. Don't stop there. Keep trying! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Waterdog