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I'm posting this because I know how many of you out there have issues with their families.
Earlier this week, my Mum died. It was only last year that she had to lose a leg because of the complications her ulcerated leg was causing the rest of her body and well being.
We lost contact several months ago when her computer died (or something went wrong with it) and then we had to change cell-phone providers because Virgin stopped doing pay and go. After that, we couldn't even text.
Not that we texted one another particularly often, but we had kept in fairly regular contact. Then it simply ceased.
The other day I got a Facebook message from my uncle's partner asking for my email address, as she had something to tell me about my Mum.
I guess I knew then what was coming - sort of, but the real kicker came when later that same evening, another uncle told me how sorry he was about it and to be strong.
Then I really did know what had happened. I mean I didn't need to be psychic or particularly good at reading between any lines. To me it was obvious.
Trouble was, I didn't know why or whether it was painful or anything.
I managed to get in touch with my younger brother, who I haven't seen in decades to let him know. My youngest brother had already texted him on the day it happened.
Ever feel like you're being left out of the loop?
I thought I was being paranoid, but no. My youngest brother had been made official next of kin, despite me being the eldest and was apparently arranging the funeral. All he told me was that he'd let me know when it was sorted. he told me nothing about how she died or why and I was SO upset.
So far, several days have passed since she died and while I know that the entire family is aware, I've had nothing from any save two. No words of solace, no condolences, nor any words of support or sympathy.
So here I am in France and I'm going to be expected to go to my mother's funeral and I don't want to.
It's got nothing to do with how I feel about her. I know she's chatting with Elvis, Bowie and maybe even Prince too! No it's not her at all; it's how I feel about the rest of them. The fact that they could disrespect her and I so and how they could honestly expect me to face them when they have effectively excluded Penny and I from everything.
So here it is.
Rest in Peace, Mum. Penny and I love you and miss you.
Comments
Honor your heart
As they say, funerals are for the living. The dead don't care. You have to do what you feel is right for you. If your brothers made so little an effort to contact you then I suspect they'll get over it if you don't make it. A small but tasteful floral arraignment and a donation to a charity she would have favored, perhaps one relating to what she died of, in her name is always appropriate.
It is up to you to determine what connections you wish to have with your remaining family. If you really don't care about them than don't go. It is your call, only you know how you truely feel.
I went outside once. The graphics weren' that great.
Honouring my heart
It's a conundrum alright.
On the one hand I don't want to feel I'm letting my mother down, but at the same time, coming from a large family and to be given nothing from all but two (one of whom isn't even a blood relative) gives me little in the way of enthusiasm to attend.
You're absolutely right, the funeral is for the living - Mum is already gone. Penny and I have already said our goodbyes to her, so being in a strange crematorium in a part of Brighton she never went to, surrounded by what are essentially strangers, will not bring her any closer to us.
Thank you so much for your comment.
Go
Not for your brothers, not for your mom, for you. If you go, you will be glad you did. If you don't you will worry at that like a splinter. Go.
And God love you.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Go?
I can't.
The goodbye can be said from anywhere and already has.
I can live with the disgust from my family; people who haven't bothered about me for decades and yet appear to think themselves qualified to sit in judgement.
My brother has only told me where and when the funeral is being held. He's not actually told me what happened, how long it took or asked how I'm feeling.
My uncles aunts and cousins (of which there are many) have said nothing at all ... well two have: one has been extremely conciliatory, while the other seems to have sent out a message that feels more like an automated reply than a message of condolence, which asks after our health as an afterthought.
I can do without people like that and more to the point it would be two-faced of me to try and be civil to people who effectively wouldn't piss in my ear if my brain was on fire.
I do appreciate what you're saying, but it's not going to happen, I'm sorry.
Penny and you
could do a small funeral ceremony for you and your mother in a way you fell she would have like.
Peace and Hugs,
Love tmf
Penny and I
You're right and it's what has happened.
We toasted my Mum and focused on the good times and the bright, vivacious woman she used to be.
As I said, I would like to think she's having a ball with Bowie, Freddie, Elvis and others and I think she'd smile at the thought of me thinking that.
Thanks for your comment.
Guilt
the question is will you feel guilty if you do not go ? Go this is the last thing you can do to honor the woman who took care of you as a child , plus even though you may not care don't give the family something to talk about by not being there and you know they will talk behind your back
Sorry for you loss HUGS
Guilt
Of course there will be guilt. I'm only human after all (or so I'm told. I have my doubts).
As I have said about my family, I don't think the majority are worthy of a second thought. I haven't stopped thinking of my Mum since well before she passed and ruing not being able to contact her. So whilst I may well feel guilty for not attending her funeral, I will still be thinking of her.
The majority of my family conversely, will commit her body to the fire and walk away from the wake after a few drinks, forgetting about her mere moments later.
Who should feel guilty then?
Mum will remain in my heart for a hell of a lot longer than any of them, I'm sure.
Thank you for your comment.
The Choice Is Yours
Dear Nick,
You will get lots of different opinions but in the end nobody can decide except you whether or not you should go to your Mum's funeral. In my Mum's case I flew half-way around the world to be there but that was because there was nobody else to do it. She was the last survivor of her generation and I did not want to load the obligation onto my son (who also lived half-way around the world). For the record she had many offers to come and live with or close to one or both of us but couldn't abide the thought of being surrounded by foreigners!
I wouldn't read too much into your brother being named as next-of-kin. That is usually the person to be contacted in case of emergency and is probably the one who is most likely to be available at short notice. I don't think it confers any special benefit in the case of a bereavement or other calamity.
Of much greater concern to you is the apparently cavalier attitude towards advising you of what is going on. I have no idea what relationships are like between you and your brothers but it does seem pretty unfriendly not to keep you in the loop. That doesn't take a lot of effort. Even a mutual friend of ours who had little or no contact with her family for nearly twenty years got a visit from her brother to let her know that her father was close to death, so that she was able to visit him in hospital before he died.
I will not presume to give you any advice regarding your attendance or otherwise but I do extend my sincerest sympathy and condolences.
Hugs to Penny and You.
My choice indeed
Family are funny buggers. You spend the majority of your life trying to be that someone they feel you should be; trying to fit into so many different moulds that you end up failing miserably. Then you feel guilty that you can't be what they want and worry yourself stupid that if they met the real you they'd totally wig out because you let them down.
I've had over fifty years of that and no more will I put up with the guilt trips they have put me through on so many occasions. If I go, I'll come away feeling worse than when I arrived and in between times, will likely rip someone's arm off and beat them to death with the soggy end. That's not what Mum would have wanted, not how she felt about me and not how she would want me to remember her.
I think I know the decision I must make and which way it will go.
Thank you so much for your comment, and hugs back from Penny and me.
My condolences to you, and
My condolences to you, and hugs, too. I understand how you feel.
The only thing I might recommend is that you try to get a hold of a copy of her will to read it yourself and make sure they don't cheat you out of what your mother wanted you to have.
I hope and pray you will find peace with her passing, though I know it hurts.
Hugs,
Erin of Wis <3
Condolences
My thanks, Erin of Wis.
When my grandmother died, one of my aunt's was circling, just waiting to get her hands on all the good stuff. I fear this might happen this time too. The fact is, her material possessions are of no interest to me. She has a hairdressers kit of mine from about thirty years ago, so that's not going to be up to much anymore and apart from the photos...
As far as any money she may have had to leave, I don't have a lot of interest in that either. It's not that we don't need it, all donations gratefully received, but I really can't be arsed to get involved in who gets what etc.
Her passing means that she is no longer in pain or discomfort and I can wash my hands of those family members that have been so supportive all these years - NOT!!!
Oh wait ... isn't that a win-win situation?
Seriously, I do miss her, and I hope she has found peace too.