Transition Diary Entry 1 -- Invalidation and Validation

By Asche

May 27, 2016

Content Note: old resentments

(I'm going to have to simply post my first or zeroth drafts, or I'll never post anything.)

I'd sort of decided that I should come out to my family around now. It's about six months before my going-full-time target date, so maybe there's no rush, it's just that I plan to be "out" everywhere but at work by September, so why not?

My relationship with my (birth) family is at best distant. This year is unusual: there were two weddings, so I've seen my siblings twice already (my parents are dead.) More typical is maybe once a year. We may talk on the phone once or twice a year, and E-mail if there's some big event, like my aunt dying.

Anyway, I realize I'm not looking forward to telling them. I anticipate two possible reactions:

1. None at all, kind of a "that's nice, dear" before they go back to the usual radio silence. They might or might not bother to remember to use my new name.
2. They will want to "discuss" it with me, which will end up being oh so logical arguments (or arguments from prejudice) explaining why I'm not really who I feel I am. If you've encountered those "rational" people on the WWW who argue oh so cogently that trans women aren't really women, that's what I'd expect.

The "logical" and intellectual arguments about things I feel strongly about and matter to me are what I went through growing up. I spent most of my growing up being told constantly that I was in the wrong for just about everything and that I should stop being stubborn and be what I was supposed to be, and it was full of all these wise and rational explanations that completely ignored my feelings. The fact that I felt so annihilated by the criticism and punishments and put-downs and ostracism meant nothing to anyone. So I find discussions that ignore the feelings of people who are getting the short end of the stick triggering.

It still goes on with my brothers and sister. We hang out, a topic of discussion comes up, but if I say something that isn't in tune what my brothers or sister believe, it gets dismissed, either by handwaving or by "logical" arguments, and my feelings might as well not exist.

I think the word I'm looking for is invalidated. I constantly feel invalidated by my siblings. I'm sort of like the family dog (except my sister actually dotes on dogs): I get fed, I get pats on the head, but nobody bothers to worry about what I feel.

You know, I've almost never felt this way since I left home and my family and the town I grew up in. I'll run into someone like that every now and then on line, but I can just walk away and I do.

Last night, I had the opposite experience. It's warm here, and around dusk a couple of my neighbors were standing around talking about old times at the high school nearby (two of them grew up in the area.) I'd told one of them about my new name, and every time she spoke to me, she tried to use my new name and apologized when she forgot and deadnamed me, and she asked how I was doing and thought it was so interesting. I realize what I was feeling was validated.

It really sucks that I routinely get validated by near-strangers, but can't get it from my own family.