Being misgendered, it's something the transgender community speaks of often in a negative light. But being misgendered is a two edged sword and perhaps we should think about those times it is good.
I know, you're thinking that Katie is nuts, but bear with me.
First off, I am not talking about those times people use the wrong pronouns and wrong name on purpose to hurt you. I've had that happened and it sucks. I've had that happen from people within the trans community, even from people on this site, and it's wrong. I am talking about the accidental, oops, I didn't know misgenderings.
Now, how can being misgendered be a blessing. I will tell you my own story (even though I've heard similar stories from others). I was 12 years old. Transgender wasn't even in my vocabulary. I was wearing a pair of jeans and a white and yellow shirt that had mesh on the shoulders (I loved that shirt). My aunt sent me to Pathmark (a drug store) to buy her some items including pantyhose. I went to the aisle, searched for her size, when a little old lady saddled up next to me. "Excuse me," she said politely. "Would you mind handing me that pair over there, I can't reach."
Was no sweat off my back, I reached up and handed the lady the package she wanted and said "here you go." At that time her daughter came by and said "do you need help, ma." And God bless the little old lady who knew nothing of me, but she said, "I'm okay, this nice young lady was kind enough to help me out." Now I didn't know what transgender was, but I knew the battle that raged within me and that moment of affirmation was like a purple lightening bolt to my very soul, giving life to something I was trying so hard to keep buried. It was like "YES! Someone else sees it too. I'm not imagining it. I'm not one card short of a full deck.
I think other people who, for whatever reason, aren't in transition mode and they get misgendered to their affirmed gender it provides a little spark that maybe transitioning isn't that far off.
On the other hand, I know that when you are being authentic and you get misgendered it can feel like stepping on a lego and nothing hurts more than that. But, I think if the person who does the misgendering isn't doing so out of malice we can give them a slight correction and a smile without going overboard. I've seen it turn nasty. I've seen it turn nasty with people who aren't transgender. It doesn't need to. I get misgendered a lot at drive thrus , my voice is deep and with my current cough it is quite gruff. I can be a cad about it, or I can simply realize that people are doing the best they can with the information they have available. I would also like to think that them misgendering me might be a bit of a sting, but when they misgender the next person it can be a source of affirmation so perhaps I shouldn't raise such a fuss outside of a kind correction.
Comments
Phone gender
As I came to terms with being transgender the first indication I got that my male persona was very fragile was on the phone. Without my being aware it was happening, as soon as I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything but female, my voice took on a new note and people on the phone just assumed I was a woman.
I know that a lot of transitioners have trouble with their voice but as with appearance some of us are lucky and that first open recognition of our true gender by a stranger is special.
Rhona McCloud
My first "misgendering"
I don't think this is the first time I was ever misgendered, but it was the first time I got that little "ping!"
One of my bad habits is posting on various blogs and forums, and to avoid getting too much RL trouble for it, I use screen names, and, as it happens, they don't reveal a gender.
A year or so I posted something somewhere, I don't remember what, and the next day someone was responding and referred to me as "she." (I'm AMAB.) I'd done nothing to encourage anyone either way, so it felt like they'd seen through my shell persona to something feminine inside me, something which I couldn't see myself (but somehow hoped was there.)
Matter of definition
Katie,
I see you seem to determine the "hit" or "miss" of the misgendering based on the gender as you think people will perceive you. In that case, you're of course right: if you're presenting yourself as the gender you'd rather not be and someone still picks your true gender to address you, it does feel nice. Personally, my base is my true gender where I don't blame people for misgendering me when I know I'm presenting myself as the wrong gender at that time.
There are also more and more people lately, mostly younger of course, who present themselves in such way you have a hard time figuring out how to address them. A possible reason I can see for that is that they are transgendered but don't feel safe to fully express that. Making the choice what would be the correct way to address such person is always a bit of a gamble. Who knows, they might be happy with your choice and still feel obligated to correct you.
Hugs,
Kimby
Misgender Experiences
I found my first experience of misgendering to be very exciting and it definitely left me wanting more. I was in a queue at a bus stop after school and it was raining. My hair was wet and so I looked bedraggled. I was using a plastic bag that a female student loaned me to keep my folder dry. It was from a ladies wear shop. When I stepped onto the bus the driver smiled at me and just said 'Yes Miss, where to?'. I showed him my pass and he laughed and apologised. I blushed of course and the girls behind me then teased me and called me Julie for the journey home. When I looked in the mirror at home I could see I did look girlish. I changed and dried my hair with a blow drier and couldn't resist brushing it to a more feminine style to see how I looked. I felt so excited but quickly ducked into the bathroom when I heard a key in the front door. From that time on I decided to experiment and gathered a few items of clothing that were supposed to be for charity. I took a few trips out in a jacket that had been my sisters and smuggled out some of her levis that fitted me and changed in a mensroom in a department store. I had some strange looks but it seemed to excite me even more. I found that I could look through the ladies section without embarrassment that I grew to like. I never actually bought anything and I resisted the temptation to try things on. But the experiences were so amazing. I couldn't take any more risks so I had to be satisfied with finding opportunities to dress in private that was not easy. I'll never forget the thrill of being mistaken for a girl or being teased on the bus by the girls from school. The name stuck but I tried to avoid going any further. I wish I could have had the courage to spend more time as Julie and explore more. I guess when I look back there were lots of us who could be mistaken for the opposite gender with a little support or effort. And why not? Sometimes its nice to be different and I encourage anybody who is lucky enough to be gender fluid to take advantage as much as they can, whilst they can.
Hugs