This last week, we'll, actually since Wednesday, too much has happened way too fast.
I have not hurt so bad since I was assaulted. I can't seem to stop crying. I wish I could die without anyone missing me. That is always the rub. Do I care about the survivors?
I can't stop hating myself. That makes suicide so much easier. I mean no one can really care about me. And I know that I am a monster and it would be best if I were gone. And once again, this weekend had confirmed that feeling. I have upset half a dozen people because I am terrified of a man and the group he runs. I wish he were gone too. I have been raped and assaulted, but the one interaction with him leaves me more terrified and emotionally crippled than a physical attack. And usually I'm able to reason with my emotions. But this time it is so deep that it is at a sub-vocal level. I do not know how to deal with things so deep that they have no words.
Saturday, I almost had a drug reaction kill me. It got to the point of my tongue swelling before I took enough benadryl to stop it. If not for Laurie, I probably would not have. And a full day later, I'm still taking Benadryl to combat the allergic symptoms. And now my list of allergies gets one line longer. It does give me another suicide method. Death by allergic reaction. It is too bad it is an expensive, regulated drug.
I'm surprised that my friends in the group keep asking if I had been abused and then saying that explains it all. I feel like they are re-confirming the narrative of abuse by not hearing me. Reason or not, the trauma is still there, even if it is ignored. Is it like this in all transgender groups? Are we all so jaded or hurt that sympathy is not important anymore?
I wish my life would end, and it would be okay with everyone. And I would no longer hide the monster inside. I wish the pain would end. I wish that death was not the only way that I can figure out to make it happen.
Is it God that keeps me alive or possibly the other guy?
Comments
I have no idea...
I really have no idea what to say here, except oh crap! And I'm very sorry about all this. Actually, numerous ideas come and go. I have no idea which are appropriate to say here.
The appropriate thing to do may be simply to listen and provide a shoulder to cry on -- and to resist temptation to give advice. So here's your virtual shoulder. And yes, think of the survivors, here if nowhere else -- and Laurie, the person you mentioned. (Okay, I gave advice.)
Best wishes.
-- Daphne Xu
Same here,
Ditto.
don't worry
I'm not suicidal.i do not have a plan. I do, collect methods as a hobby. 30 years of intense cyclical depression leads to that. I do want the pain to stop. Or to shut down my mind. The pain has gotten worse since I began my transition. And the therapy to accept myself only leaves me more lonely. Laurie is my wife and there are things that I still have to keep secret from her. I do not let people see the real me. I had that emotionally beat out of me in Elementary school. Still, I can only hide so much for so long. And when I slip up, I get reminded why I'm supposed to stay hidden.
I am learning to reach out when I hurt enough to seriously consider hurting myself. I really do not know what I am looking for. Mother taught me that "I love you" means get ready to be hurt. Laurie is trying to show me what love is supposed to mean. I'm struggling with it. Along with that is being told that I am so talented or gifted. People do not say those things without expecting something back.
I apologize for not editing. I'm just too exhausted now.
Even I'm Not THAT Cynical...
It's always seemed to me that people can offer praise for past accomplishments or even as a general observation without expecting anything in return. True, they may well be hoping for more of whatever inspired their comment (e.g., good writing or cogent observations), but I wouldn't say that it's necessarily the reason they're complimenting you or that you're under any obligation to provide it.
(My mind tends to minimize compliments that I've received and dwell on criticisms, but that's a different issue.)
Eric
I guess it is confusing
Some compliments I just blush off. Mostly those about my career. It is the general statements that are dangerous. Like
You are so smart, or God had special plans for you. or You make a great leader.
They usually have hidden implications. For example, I may have a high IQ, but it is in very abstract thinking. I am not academically gifted. So I struggle with the basics like English and math. I was punished in school for underachieving because I was a B student instead of a A student as all the tests indicated I should be. It was their expectations that hurt me so much.
So that is why I feel that way.
I wish I could help more
but all I got is virtual huggles, and someone who will listen if you need to vent.
thanks
Any kind of hugs are nice.
~hugs back~
Perhaps you need to get away.
It is clear the environment and people around you have become poisonous to you.
Perhaps, before you decide to end it all. How about you just break away from everyone and leave where you are. Try a fresh start, where the place and people, you go too, do not constantly remind of all the pain you have been through.
That was my ultimate decision
After coming to understand that the one support group that I counted on was no longer safe and couldn't be, I realized than leaving was the right decision. I realize now that what I was going through was panic and then grief. I'm still sad at the loss, but resigned to it.
I really do not want to die. It is all about being overwhelmed by emotional pain. I'm trying to get past the suicidal ideations. They are kind of like an addiction. When I feel that bad, they are the first solution that I think of. And I'm slowly working to get past that.
Thanks for the advice.
Cassie Ellen