Author:
I think I have a confession to make. About 3.5, almost 4 months ago I started taking antiandrogens. Without doctor supervision, if you ask. I... was too afraid to start estrogen on my own. At least it feels... how should I put it? More comfortable?
Where do I start with the whole history of this? Telling the story is hard, though telling it in person is even harder. I have spent way too much with it hidden and... I now found out that I can't even begin telling it (tried to tell it all to a friend and was too afraid to properly do it, though she knows some bits of it).
So... where I am? 31, not getting any younger, and with really big questions about my gender. Where does that put me? Who knows... Not in the "male" category, definitely. where exactly?
Ok. This should be enough for this blog post. I am not sure if I even want to keep it here... time will tell.
PS. I am not a native English speaker, so I probably made some mistakes here.
Comments
Please get help
From your wording I suspect you are British so can see a doctor at no cost but even if you have to pay please see a doctor. Not all of us follow the line of "always knew and it was just a matter of time and nerve"; some break under the strain of denial which can be very dangerous but can also result in spectacularly good and swift results.
I cannot guess whether you are a woman and transitioning would work for you but self-medicating with antiandrogens will in time produce undesirable side effects so please see a doctor. To have a friend at a time like this is enormously beneficial but if you have reached the stage of self-medicating I hope she too would say see a doctor so why put the weight of that decision on her shoulders.
Rhona McCloud
Probably Not the U.K....
...since the writer referenced "estrogens" and not "oestrogens".
Eric
Not British.
Not British - I am Russian.
(And yes, I am aware of possible side effects...). I think I need to write a longer/proper reply, but it is late (I hope I do better tomorrow).
Is your health okay?
There was an author here that had diabetes, and she was self medicating with antiandrogens and estrogen obtained on the web. She wasn't doing well at finding a job, so when she needed the money to buy more blackmarket drugs she quit other things like her insulin and eating properly, if at all.
I got really pissed at her one night and ordered her to start taking care of her health instead of buying the under the counter drugs. I told her I couldn't stand by and be complicit in her killing herself. I said other things as well, but it all boiled down to her dragging me down with her as she traveled the road to death. I wasn't mentally stable in those days, and I finally told her if she was going to continue taking the illegal drugs then I didn't want to talk to her anymore. We 'shouted' at each other some more, and I put a block on her and shut down for the night. That was the last time I talked to her. A couple of weeks later she went into diabetic shock and passed out while driving to work, and, and, and she was killed in a car accident.
I don't want to ever see that happen again, to anybody. I did the worst thing I could have done to her, I quit being her friend, and that helped kill her. Never again.
Now, as for your question. Short answer: you are who you want to be. Long answer: you could be gender-neutral, you could be androgynous, you could be gender-queer, or a couple of other small possibilities. But given that you reject being called male then I would say you are a M2F pre-op (or non-op) transwoman. Not every transwoman has surgery, or even takes the various drugs. But they self-identify as females. For many transwomen life will not let them make the physical changes they want. Job, lack of money, family obligations and such keep many transwomen from making the changes they want.
Where you go from here is up to you. I won't give you any advice, my advice has proven fatal so you want a better opinion than mine. Get a professional involved, see a doctor that is knowledgable about trans issues, a good therapist can help also.
Good Luck!
I went outside once. The graphics weren' that great.
Hmmm....
'Tis a dangerous path, taken you have! One should never self-medicate! A doctors supervision is highly recommended hon. Anyway, at your age taking one without the other will have little if any effect. Hugs, Talia
Get Help
Self medicating is NEVER a good idea. I say find a Doctor and a Therapist. Don't do this by yourself.
The type of anti-androgens
you are taking, if a prescription drug, really needs to be medically supervised. Go and see your doctor perhaps if you can't tell him to his face, print something off the internet about the condition and tell them that's what you think you are. If you're in the UK have a look at the website http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Gender-dysphoria/Pages/Introduc... this is a government website so has to be acceptable to everyone.
You're going to need to talk to people eventually, so take a deep breath and do it. The first step of any journey is the hardest, afterwards it gets easier.
Good luck
Angharad
Amen
Nuff Said.
I understand why you're doing
I understand why you're doing this without doc's supervision. I know what do you feel though I don't ask questions since I'm almost twice older than you.
Problem is...
... In Russia you can get any dose of any medicine. There are doctors known to the "community" who will provide you with any dosage your heart desire...
I have yet to see...
I have yet to see someone willing to risk license for that, unless it is done for trusted someone, and that is rare. I'd add, that with my luck - it is really unlikely.
PS. The issue is not prescription/getting access to the drugs. Pharmacies tend to ignore checking if you have prescription (unless it is something controlled). The issue is monitoring health and adjusting doses properly.