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Today is a sad day, and I felt the need to get some of it out.
It's hard to believe it's been almost five years. After sixteen years of marriage my wife decided that she didn't want to be my wife any longer. It wasn't me, she said, it was her - she'd been pretending to be someone she wasn't and she just couldn't keep doing that. Of course she had no idea how ironic that was; she knew nothing about my gender issues, and her insistence that it had nothing to do with me didn't make it hurt any less. After all, the person she had been pretending to be all those years was the person that loved me.
This isn't about me, though, but rather about where I found myself after our separation. We had an 'unconventional relationship' (that's what the lawyers called it anyway) - she was the money maker and I was the homemaker. Don't get any ideas - there was no maid's uniform involved. Anyway, I found myself with no idea where I was going to live or what I was going to do. My own family pretty much turned their backs on me - they haven't even called or written to see if I'm well in five years - but fortunately I had friends. They gave me a place to live with no strings attached and made it plain that I was part of their family now.
That's when my friend's mom, Miss Alice, came into my life. She was 79 at the time, and had recently been diagnosed with dementia. At the time she was still very active, still living in her own house and regularly driving down to visit her younger daughter. I helped her out, doing odd jobs around the house and taking care of the yard. A few months after I moved in with my friends, Miss Alice went to fix herself some dinner and forgot about the pot heating on the stove, nearly starting a fire. After that, I started going over to her house to fix her meals and take her shopping, and started driving her down to visit her younger daughter.
Eventually she moved in with her eldest daughter as her condition deteriorated, and while my friends were at work during the day I would stay with her. We'd sit and watch television - she loved those 'true crime' programs, and sometimes I would play my guitar and sing for her. It was heartbreaking to watch this horrible disease take everything that made her who she was, and yet she remained a sweet, kind lady who would never fail to tell me she loved me and was so happy I was there.
Miss Alice passed away this morning a little after 2 am. We'd been expecting it for some time now, but that doesn't make her passing any less painful. I'll always carry with me something she said shortly after I started taking care of her on a daily basis. She'd just finished the lunch I had fixed her, and as I settled back at my computer to do some writing, she walked up behind me, thanked me for the meal and kissed me on the cheek. Then she patted my arm and said, "You would have made a wonderful girl."
I managed to hold in the tears until she had gone back to her chair. I like to think that maybe as the disease was robbing her of her more conventional mental faculties, it allowed a part of her perception to open up, something that could see beyond the surface. Whatever the case, I do believe that Alice is in a better place now, where she is young and fit and happy, and she does see things that those of us left behind can't. Hopefully we'll all be together there one day, but for now I say farewell, Alice, until we meet again. You are loved and we're missing you so much, but at the same time we're happy that the suffering is over. I'm looking forward to that day when we meet again, and I can sit with you and chat and sing and just have a grand time ... just us girls.
Comments
My deepest sympathy
On your loss, Scott.
Take care,
Hugs,
Karen J.
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"
Janis Joplin
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
A beautiful eulogy
HI SCOTT...
In just a few paragraphs I've come to really like this Alice, and see how special
she was, and to grieve along with you. This was one of those rare blogs that makes me
scream: GOD, THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN POSTED WITH THE STORIES! The writing is excellent;
A clear, heartfelt and extremely moving piece that I will hate to see bumped down out of the blog box
sometime tommorrow by other blogs that ........ Well some of them (and I have penned a few of these)
can be pretty frivolous. I know you're playing by the rules, and that it's not "fiction"; but I think
most readers-of-fiction here would love this sweet sad remembrance with its positive spirituality...
~~~hugs, sympathies & thanks for this, LAIKA
"Government will only recognize 2 genders, male + female,
as assigned at birth-" (In his own words:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1lugbpMKDU
friends
Sometimes people find each other and the most unusual friendships blossom. I pray and wish you and your friend's family the best.
hugs!
grover
Sharing your sorrow
Scott,
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I know how much you'd come to love Miss Alice. You know you're in our thoughts and prayers.
Warm hugs,
Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)
--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)
--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Nothing to add
Other than sincere condolences...
As to it being in the stories, it would be easy to imagine a story from what Scott's already written here.
Hugs
Alexis
Words Fail, Scott
Scott:
For all your many losses, you have my deepest sympathies.
You have my admiration too. Amid the travail of entropy and
longing that define most of our lives, you seem to have found
one of the certain truths. Close friends, no matter where you
find them, and for however long you may have them, are really
all that matter.
Fond wishes and sympathies can hardly assuage, or even dull the
pain of such a loss. Fond memories are the greater comfort,
even if they too will be painful for a time. Those are what
I will most fondly wish for you: Endless pleasant memories
for you to hold close.
Tears,
Sarah Lynn
When words fail...
... there's always love.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
I wish I had some words of wisdom
for you Scott. I know what you're going through and she sounded like a sweet person, one we'd all like to have known. You gave her your time, companionship, and concern, and she gave you memories and someone to care about.
Your eulogy/remembrance of a senior, to whom you gave respect and dignity in her last years, was beautiful.
My deepest sympathies for your loss.
Catherine Linda Michel
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
Scott, What Laika Said
I can't say any more, or say it any better,
Hugs,
Joanne
Three or four times
Over the years of my early teens through mid twenties, when Kristina was more vague dream than reality someone I hardly knew or didn't know at all would say something. Totally unexpected and out of nowhere that told me they knew and understood. I have no idea how or what they saw or intuited or felt or whatever. But it happened. I wonder if perhaps in those moments of total clarity that happen amidst such illness she did indeed see you. Seems a few more 'sensitive' types can see or feel something.
She sounds lovely and I feel for you and those around you... Alice... I think she's ok. Does the Hawaiian greeting/farewell indicate an Island background or is it just a personal thing? No need to answer really, I'm just musing and it's none of my business. Take care Scott.
Kristina
I read that
people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
I don't know what you're going through; no one else can know, but good friends, whether I've known them a little while or a long time, have helped me to survive all that life has thrown at me. I give thanks with you for those who willingly open their hearts to those in pain.
Hugs,
Susie
Sometimes it is those who are the simplest who see clearly
It might have been just coincidence or random chance and her failing mind but I suspect her failing mind lost it's pretenses and adult caution first. She quite likely was speaking her heart when she said you would make a good woman. Kind of like Sodium Pentathal.
John in Wauwatosa
P.S. If it wasn't you, what was it with the wife? Was she a lesbian -- boy is THAT ironic -- or was she unfaithful or was it something else? Sometimes neither is at fault, sometimes both, sometimes just one. Divorce is a continuium as is mariage.
P.S.S. I hope all is well for you and even your exwife, unless she was a heartless bitch. And God bless Ms Alice.
John in Wauwatosa