Sydney Moya

 ©2014

All rights reserved

Synopsis

Natasha is the single mother of a teen boy. She has been keeping a secret that threatens to destroy their family.

Part one of two

“You’re not my mother, you lied to me. I hate you!” Patrick had yelled before storming out of the house.

That had been five days ago and he still hadn’t returned home. Natasha Jennings knew he was safe at her parents’ home but that didn’t lessen the pain she was in. Patrick wouldn’t see or speak to her and she could do nothing but relive the past.

The roots of the current situation lay in her complicated past back when she’d been Dale and an unhappy teenage boy who felt awkward. Dale had some serious gender issues and was wholly unhappy with his body becoming more masculine. This uneasiness went far beyond the normal teen angst. Not the most masculine of teens his woes were compounded by his father’s insistence on toughening him with traditional male activities which only made Dale more miserable.

Bryan Jennings bid to make his second son more manly hadn’t helped things, all it had done was simply make Dale more depressed and more desperate to be female.

A clever child he had graduated high school a year early and gone to college to study computer programming. His life had changed when he reached varsity as he’d met Debbie. She worked at a fast food place where he’d found a part time job to make some money. The two of them had just clicked and before both of them knew it they’d fallen in love. Dale told her about his gender issues and she was cool with them to the point of naming her Natasha and sometimes dressing her up.

They were married when he graduated with a degree in Computer science in 1996, both them aged a tender twenty. For the first time Dale felt some semblance of happiness despite his discomfort with his gender. Because he loved her he was willing to try and be normal for her. Their bliss was multiplied by the arrival of their baby, Patrick in February 1997.When Patrick was born they’d both been over the moon particularly Debbie an orphan who gained her first living relative. Having a son made Dale a bit nervous as he was doubtful he knew what it took to raise a boy having been such a poor one himself but he was also anxious to be the best he could be for his family. Though apprehensive about being a father he had never felt so much love for someone as did when he held the baby.

Unfortunately the young couple’s happiness was shattered barely four months after Patrick was born by a drunken college kid who shouldn’t have been drinking let alone driving in the first place. Debbie had insisted Dale bond with little Pat while she did the nappy run for a change. She’d been killed instantly by the head on collision.

Dale had gone to the depths of despair and the only thing that had kept him going was his baby. Patrick became his reason for living but one day even that hadn’t been enough and he had seriously considered ending it all so he and Pat could re-join Debbie. He’d looked into his baby’s peaceful, innocent eyes and what he’d seen in them had convinced him that Patrick had a right to live, he couldn’t just end his life because of his own grief and because of Debbie’s harrowing childhood as an orphan he had to be there for him as well.

So he’d chosen to live.

His gender dysphoria had never left but it had been better with Debbie around. He realised that without her love he couldn’t spend a lifetime as a guy, she’d been the only person who could have helped him through it. Patrick needed a parent who could hold it together and as Dale she was doomed to fail.

Her family was shocked by her decision to transition. Her father especially so,

“What’s going on? I know losing Debbie was devastating but how is this going to help?” Byran had asked rather empathetically.

“It will keep me alive so I can be there as my son grows up,” Natasha had answered.

“Patrick needs a father,” responded Byran worriedly.

“I wish you could see what I see, I’m not a guy and I’ve never been happy being one and if I’m going to get through this I need to deal with this now and this is the only way I can think of doing it.”

“Are you crazy, you’re not a woman otherwise you wouldn’t have a son. Get this out of your head and be the father my grandson needs or I’ll have Patrick removed from your care,” said Byran.

At this threat to take away her kid Natasha went livid.

“Over my dead body, if you dare to take my baby I’ll fight tooth and nail and when I win he won’t know he has a granddad,” she told him before taking her son from the next room and storming out of her parents’ house.

Byran who was livid too was held back by his wife Tammy.

“No, don’t go after him. I don’t want to lose my grandson or my son too,” she said sternly.

“He thinks he’s a woman, I don’t trust him with Patrick,” he pointed out.

“If you take Patrick you’ll destroy our child, he lives for him and if he was going to harm him don’t you think that would have happened already? Just be patient with him honey, he just lost the love of his life this is not the time to be fighting with him,” she’d argued.

Natasha had continued her transition rapidly, immediately undergoing hormone therapy that changed her thin body into one graced with gorgeous womanly curves. Her endocrinologist had given her a cocktail that enabled her to lactate and it wasn’t long before she was breast feeding little Pat.

Of course her family was taken aback by this and her father tried once again to reason with her but she basically told him to mind his own business. For good measure she also produced a letter from her therapist which confirmed that being on hormone therapy was the best thing for her at the moment. Bryan who was a judge respected the medical profession enough to back down but this did nothing to improve his relationship with his child.

Natasha of course didn’t want to break ties with her family so she made an effort to participate in family activities, like the annual Thanksgiving trip to the Idaho farm of her father’s uncle. Her extended family of course wasn’t very accommodating; her relatives mocked her for pretending to be a woman and it got so bad she simply packed her things and took her baby and left after just one day. The mockery was too much and she didn’t need to stay there and be insulted for her life choices. The fact that her father didn’t speak out against the slurs hurt her even more.

She and Patrick never spent a Thanksgiving with her family again which did nothing for her tenuous relationship with her father.

Had it not been for Tammy keeping the peace Bryan and Natasha would definitely have parted ways in short order.

The hormones continued to do their thing and Natasha’s body quickly transformed under their effects. Besides the breast growth which allowed her to lactate and feed her son, she developed more feminine hips, a narrower waist. Never the manliest of men it didn’t take long for her to become a very attractive young woman, who with her baby passed quite well as a young mom.

Thanks to her baby faced looks she would never need facial surgery, the long hair she grew simply made her face appear more feminine.

She’d embarked on laser hair removal to remove the sparse facial hair she had as well as reducing the hair on her body while getting voice lessons as well which didn’t take too long to master. She had all the time in the world to do this as she’d left her job when Debbie died; the life insurance money had been enough to make sure she was richer than ever and needn’t work another day in her life, though she would gladly have given every penny she owned to get Debbie back.

Instead she set up a business as a software developer, working from her home so she could be near her baby while dressing as a woman away from the public eye. She only went out to see her doctor or to get groceries. She didn’t ask for help with ladies clothes from anyone, not her mother or her sister-in-law Marilyn, relying on what Debbie had showed her.

In early 1999 she qualified for SRS. No one in her family was informed, instead she asked her mother to look after Patrick. She told her she had to attend a conference in Montreal.

Tammy was glad to help but had some reservations.

“You’re going as a woman,” she stated looking at her child with a dubious look.

“Yes, don’t worry Mom, in the industry I’m in, the only thing that counts is what’s in my head not how I behave,” Natasha stated cheerfully, “besides a lot of the people I work with are just as weird so relax,” she said easily.

“Do you ever dress as a man anymore?” Tammy wondered.

“How, when I’ve got a body like this?” Natasha asked her.

Tammy looked at her ‘son’ and had to admit she didn’t see much of a boy there, from the long auburn hair to the sizeable cleavage the small waist and curvy behind, her child looked like a tall, slender woman with a rather beautiful face. Though she never dressed up for her because of Bryan she guessed Natasha looked like dynamite in the right outfit. Marilyn her daughter in law had told her of a day she’d bumped into her and Patrick with Natasha wearing the cutest summer dress and 3 inch heels. According to her she’d looked stunning and she couldn’t believe this was her brother in law.

Apparently Natasha only wore jeans and baggy t-shirts around her folks because she didn’t want to strain things anymore. Marilyn had told her Bryan would have a coronary if he ever saw what his kid really looked like away from his home and Tammy had to agree, if the clothes she’d snuck a glance at in Natasha’s home were anything to go by.

Of course she wondered when her son would stop this but a small part of her warned her that this was permanent, she’d never seen Dale so happy save during her short marriage. And if it gave Patrick a living parent then she wouldn’t worry too much about it, Bryan worried for what might happen to Dale’s reputation and for Patrick’s future wellbeing if people found out his dad minced about in a dress.

Tammy worried about that too but as a mother and woman she saw something her husband couldn’t or wouldn’t see. This dressing kept Dale alive and Patrick had a parent to raise him which was the most important thing in her eyes. They could deal with the fallout if and when it came and that was preferable to burying a child especially since she knew how painful that was after having had to do that with Debbie.

After having her surgery secretly, she’d felt like an immense burden had been removed, for the first time in her life she felt in tune with her body. She’d loathed her genitals from an early age and this had only grown worse with time and puberty.

How did she get married and conceive you might ask. Well the answer was a mixture of trying to be normal and loving Debbie. Alcohol played a part too. She had never felt comfortable with her body even then and her yearning to be a woman hadn’t gone away.

As it was Natasha didn’t tell anyone about her surgery and her mother only discovered it by chance months after it happened when she’s popped in for an unannounced visit. She found her descendants frolicking about in the pool, Natasha teaching Patrick how to swim. Tammy had turned the corner and saw her child coming out of her pool with the baby while dressed in a bikini that left little to the imagination.

Sure Natasha had been dressing as a woman for almost two years but her mother had always supposed she was doing it purely because she liked wearing women’s clothes or something.

She had never figured her son would go as far as getting a full sex-change. Seeing her at that moment in that tiny bikini left her stunned.

“Dale,” she said.

Natasha looked at her and felt her insides churn. The look on her mom’s face told her the cat was out of the bag. She decided to play it cool,

“Hi mom,” she said nonchalantly, “I’ll be a minute. Pat and I need to shower off the chlorine,” she said quickly taking her baby to the pool house shower before her mother could say anything.

She showered her hair then the baby’s careful before making her way out, her heart pounding madly.

Mrs Jennings was seated on a lounger when her child and grandchild came out of the shower.

“We need to talk,” she told Natasha gravely.

“About what,” said Natasha sweetly, “Say hi to Grandma,” she instructed her son before handing him over, hoping to distract her mother.

It worked for a second or so.

“Hello babytums,” cooed Tammy as she tickled her only grandchild.

She then turned to her erstwhile son.

“What did you do to your body?” she asked quietly, trying not to look at her child’s undoubtedly feminine groin.

Natasha sat down, “I had an operation to give me what I’ve always wanted, a woman’s body,” she told her mother quietly.

“I don’t get it, why?” Tammy asked looking rather confused.

“Because I needed it mom, I’ve hated being a boy since I was four or five,” said Natasha emotionally.

“But you’re a man, I gave birth to you, why mutilate yourself?” responded Tammy sadly.

In all honesty she didn’t understand why her child was doing this.

“I didn’t mutilate myself mom,” said Natasha softly, “in here,” she said touching her chest, “I’m a girl and having a penis felt wrong, like having a tumour. It just felt wrong and I’ve wanted it gone since I was a kid, I know it’s hard to understand but how would you feel if you woke up with a man’s body tomorrow morning with the expectations that went with it. At first you might go along with it but in the end it would be a living hell. Even if you did well as a guy, you’d be dying to be the real you, a woman. I’ve felt that way forever and after Debbie died I seriously considered suicide but couldn’t because it would ruin Pat’s life, Debbi never wanted him to be an orphan and I figured I could only be there for him if wasn’t going crazy over my own life, as long as I stayed as a guy that was what would happen Mom,” confessed Natasha, tears coursing down her cheeks.

“And before you ask this is irreversible and even if it was reversible I wouldn’t undo it,”

Tammy was stunned. Sure she knew of her child’s struggles with gender identity, Dale’s femininity was painfully obvious in her childhood and Bryan had done his best to make a man out of her but she’d never thought it was something this terrible. When Debbie had died and Natasha appeared, she’d simply thought her child sought comfort in cross-dressing that it was a way of staying close to the woman he loved.

When the hormones had started turning her son more womanly she’d been surprised but as it seemed to make her child happier and was medically approved it wasn’t too much to worry about.

After all grief makes one do strange things and if it made her child feel better she could live with it, all that mattered was that Pat and Dale were okay and since they were she turned a blind eye to what her child was doing. It helped that Natasha always toned down the femininity in front of her parents, wearing clothes that hid her figure well so as to keep the peace with her Dad.

But this was something much deeper; her son had gone all the way and turned himself into a woman. For the first time, she realised the seriousness of Dale’s problem. She sat there as her child cried before her maternal instincts took over. Using her free arm she drew her child to her.

“When did you do it?” Tammy asked, minutes later when Natasha had calmed down somewhat.

“When I went to Montreal,” said Natasha softly.

“You lied to us?” Tammy queried unhappily.

“Would you have agreed to take Pat if you knew the real reason I was going there?” Natasha countered.

“Probably not,” said Tammy on consideration.

“That’s why I lied, I also knew you’d look after him better than anyone else,” Natasha said.

“Was it painful?” Tammy gently asked.

Natasha nodded.

“Very,” she murmured, “but I was well taken care of,” she added.

The next question floored Natasha.

“What exactly did they do to you?” Tammy asked.

“Are sure you want to know?” Natasha responded uncertainly.

Tammy nodded, as a mother she needed to know.

“Well they removed the testicles and penis then used the leftover skin to make a vaginal canal, lips and a clitoris,” said Natasha blushing like mad.

“May I see?” Tammy said, shocking Nat even more.

“Mom!” she exclaimed.

“I’m serious,” said Tammy.

“I can’t take off my clothes here,” argued Natasha.

“What clothes, you’re practically naked,” pointed out Tammy.

“Mom,”

“Alright, let’s go inside,” suggested Tammy.

Once safely indoors Natasha pulled down her bottom before pulling it up again in a flash.

“Honey I’m your mother, I carried you for nine months and bathed you till were seven, I’m a married woman and nothing you have between your legs is going to faze me,” said Tammy.

But fazed she was when Natasha pulled down her bottom again.

“Goodness,” she said, “Your surgeon does good work,” she added after finishing her visual inspection.

“I know, he said only a gynaecologist would be able to tell the difference,” said a red-faced Natasha, as she pulled up her bottom and wrapped a towel around her body.

“Oh dear, your father must never find out about this at least not right now,” said Tammy, “he wouldn’t be able to take it and how are you going to have a relationship now?” she queried.

“I won’t tell if you won’t and I’m not really interested in a relationship. No one can replace Debbie,” said Natasha.

“Sweetheart you’re still young,” said her mother gently.

“I know but I’m fine, it’s me and Pat against the world,”

A few more years passed. Natasha was as happy as a single mum could be. Patrick was the apple of her eye and the centre of her life. As soon as he’d begun talking he’d called her ‘mommy’ and despite her efforts to stop him, he wouldn’t. He was so cute she couldn’t deny him this, so she let him do it after telling herself she would tell him about Debbie when he was old enough.

Her father of course never referred to her as Pat’s mother or Natasha but even he wasn’t cruel enough to tell the little boy Natasha wasn’t his mother. Every child needs a mother and as much as it disturbed him he knew Natasha was the only person who fit the bill. Not even he could refute that she made a damn good mother. So without ever saying it Natasha’s entire family agreed not to mention Debbie or that Natasha used to be a boy. Tammy quietly removed most of Dale’s pre-transition pictures leaving only the gender neutral baby photos. Bryan said nothing though all this disturbed him, instead he simply doted on Pat in a way he’d never had with his own kids. Since Pat was being very well looked after, he kept silent but didn’t grow any closer to Natasha. Phil and Marilyn were more accepting of Natasha’s decision so they kept silent too and enjoyed their nephew.

As such Patrick grew up in a household where there was only one woman who loved him so much, it was only natural that he thought she was his mom and as his extended family never mentioned anything about Dale’s past near him, he grew up ignorant as to his parents past.

As for Natasha, it bothered her that her son didn’t know the wonderful woman who’d given birth to him and she didn’t have the slightest idea how to tell him.

How do you tell a five year old that his real mom is dead and his mother is actually his father who had a sex-change?

She didn’t do it on purpose but to spare her child pain she went along with Pat’s assumptions. When he asked about his dad she told him that he’d left her when he was born. He had no relatives and we had no idea where he was. She kept all the documents with her old name, gender, wedding pictures and the like safely locked up in the attic while she waited for the right moment to tell her son the truth.

Patrick had grown up into a rambunctious little boy who adored his mom. She could do no wrong in his eyes; she played with him, read and sang to him at bedtime, cheered him up when he was sad and kissed him especially when he was hurt. Simply put he thought she was the best mother in the world, a title she burnished when she took him and Katie, the girl next door and his best friend to Disneyland for his fifth birthday.

Eric Johnson 26 was also visiting Disneyland for the first time, it had been a childhood dream and he’d decided to make it come true while escaping the cold weather in New England at the same time. As he sat at one of the many restaurants in the theme park, he heard the staff sing, “Happy birthday,” to someone.

Looking behind him he saw two children, a boy and a girl smiling like no man’s business. They were seated with two women and each of the kids looked like smaller versions of them, he assumed they were the mothers. Both were gorgeous, the first a blonde about 5ft6 with the little girl sharing her looks. The second one really caught his eye. She was tall for a woman; he guessed she was 5ft9 or 5ft10had auburn tresses and a slender figure with curves in the right places. He thought she could run for Miss America. The little boy had the same auburn hair.

He was really taken by her and seeing no men in sight decided to try his luck.

“Hello, I couldn’t help but notice somebody is celebrating a birthday,” he said, “Whose is it?”

“Mine I’m 5,” said Patrick happily as he put up his open hand to symbolise his age.

“Congratulations buddy you must be a big boy now.”

He introduced himself to the moms who appeared sceptical.

“Eric Johnson” he said, “it’s my first time here,” he said to the kids.

“Wow, really” they said excitedly stunned a grownup had never been here as a child.

“Mom can he join us?” Pat asked.

Natasha couldn’t say no.

He actually found talking to the kids about the rides they been on rather fun. There was something refreshing about a kid’s perspective. He knew if it wasn’t for them the ladies wouldn’t have given him the time of day. Neither of them gave anything away except their names and that they were from the North East. When they parted he considered it an afternoon well spent, seeing the park through kids’ eyes made it even more fun for him.

You can imagine his surprise when he ran into Natasha and Patrick at his local hardware store three months after they’d met in Florida.

“Hey kiddo,” he’d said happily when he’d ran into them at the checkout.

Pat got a high five.

“Ms Jennings,” he said looking at Natasha.

He thought she looked even more gorgeous in the khaki skirt that showed off her shapely legs and the green top that gave a glimpse of her cleavage.

“Hello Mr Johnson,” she said in her pleasant voice, “what a surprise,” she said.

“Mommy I’m hungry, you said we were going to MacDonald’s,” Patrick reminded his parent.

“Yes we are sweetheart,” replied Natasha easily.

“MacDonald’s, do you mind if I join you two?”

Natasha looked at him, he looked like a decent guy and he’d been really nice to Patrick and Katie the last time so she nodded. The three of them had a pleasant meal, Patrick finding a toy he’d been wanting for ages while the adults talked to one another.

Eric also worked in the software business as a consultant.

“Oh that’s nice, I did computer engineering in college,” said Natasha.

“Really where do you work?”

“At home, I’m a stay at home mom,” she told Eric, “I’ve got my hands full with this one,” she said jerking her head towards her son.

Eric smiled.

“Yes he looks like a handful.”

To her surprise she found Eric a rather engaging guy who didn’t spend his time building himself up but actually listened and respected her opinions. When he asked for her number she agreed thinking she would like to see him again. When she confirmed she was single he looked quite pleased.

Eric waited a week before asking her to a movie.

To her surprise Natasha said yes, part of her realised she’d become a recluse and she knew that wasn’t good for her or her son. It had taken the arrival of Katie and her mother Linda next door to make her socialise with people outside her family circle. As much as she ached for Debbie she knew she wouldn’t have liked it if she lived the way she was which was why she accepted Eric’s date.

He was nice, was in her field and seemed safe.

He picked a chick flick but to his surprise she suggested a different one, a war movie.

“Hey not all girls are into romance,” she told him.

It wasn’t that she had anything against them, only they seemed to bring back memories of Debbie which hurt and thanks to having grown up as a guy she knew boys used them to wrap their arms around their dates. She had no intention of letting things go that far with Eric, all she wanted was some adult company, kids were fun but she needed someone else in her life besides Pat.

For Eric this was a pleasant surprise as the film was one he’d been meaning to catch, which made her even more special in his eyes. After the movie they had a coffee together and just made small talk. She found out more about Eric which only made her like him more. Back when she’d been a boy he was the kind of guy she would have liked to be her friend.

She drove herself home afterwards. She didn’t kiss him on the cheek or anything as she didn’t want to give him any ideas but was happy that he asked if she would do this again. She’d said yes without thinking twice.

They had a few more dates over the next few weeks and it was on the fifth one that Eric became serious.

“Natasha,” he began earnestly.

“Yes,”

“I like you a lot, is there anyone else in your life?”

She sat there stunned, definitely not expecting this. Okay to be fair she’d known it was a possibility, he was a geek who’d found a girl who was good looking and obviously shared a lot of things in common. He was bound to like her.

“No there isn’t,” she told him softly.

“Will you be my girl, I think I love you,” he told her.

Natasha put her face in her hands; this wasn’t what she’d wanted to happen. All she’d wanted was a friend.

“Am I that bad?” asked Eric softly.

“No you’re not, you’re a wonderful guy but I wasn’t looking for a relationship like that,” responded Natasha.

“If it’s about Pat don’t worry, I think he’s a great kid and I don’t mind sharing,” said Eric.

She looked into his eyes and saw that he meant it; Linda would definitely call him a ‘keeper. She liked him but things were just too complicated in her life right then. She knew she couldn’t turn him down without a reason and she realised she liked him too. She wanted to be with him but it wouldn’t work. So she decided to tell him the truth.

“I’m not like other women Eric, in fact you’ll probably hate me after you hear this but please don’t hate me too much, I just wanted a friend,” she began.

Eric looked lost.

“I was born Dale Jennings and I used to be a boy, I’m not Patrick’s mother, I’m his biological dad. His mother died when he was four months old and I transitioned four months later. I’ve been living as a woman since then,” she confessed.

“You’re a man?” Eric asked taken aback.

“No, not anymore and in my heart I never was,” Natasha responded.

To his credit Eric didn’t yell or call her a freak. Maybe it was because they were in public and he didn’t want to cause a scene. Instead he stood up and walked away leaving a broken hearted woman in his wake. She was hurt that he couldn’t stomach it but she wasn’t surprised not many people would go out with a transsexual she supposed. Debbie was one of a kind. This thought reminded her of what she’d lost and she broke down right there on the park bench.

Natasha was sure she would never see him again. The worst thing was she didn’t know how she would explain it to Patrick, he’d become very fond of Eric, who’d been very good with him and he became a pseudo dad in some ways.

She’d thought she was being secretive and that no one in her family knew about her recent dates but the women in her family had known she was seeing someone by the second date through a combination of intuition, her body language and Pat’s mouth. Phil and Bryan had no clue anything was up but Tammy and Marilyn had guessed she was seeing someone. That night they’d both dropped by for a visit intending to talk to her and were surprised to find her on her couch looking miserable.

Both ladies had come to pump her for information about who this mystery person was, they were pretty sure it was guy, Pat talked of an Eric regularly now but the forlorn look on Natasha’s’ face told them something had happened.

“Hi mom, hey sis,” she said to them when she’d let them into the house by disarming the electronic security system after seeing their faces on her TV.

“Hello sweetheart, are you okay?” Tammy asked worriedly, she hadn’t seen her child so down in a while.

“I’m okay I guess,” she answered.

“You don’t look okay,” answered Marilyn worried as well. Marilyn was Phil, Natasha’s brother’s wife. They’d been married for eight years but couldn’t conceive because Marilyn had some problem with her tubes, they’d tried everything but had pretty much given up.

Sometimes Marilyn envied Natasha for her son but then remembered how much she’d loved Debbie. She loved this quirky woman like a sister and Pat like a son and though she hadn’t understood why she’d got a sex-change she could see it had made her much happier. Over the last few years they’d become friends.

Tammy joined her child on the couch.

“You can tell Mommy,” she said softly, placing her arm around her child.

Natasha choked back a sob and told her all about Eric and what had happened that afternoon.

“He wanted me until I told him my past then he just walked out on me, am I that horrid?” she asked tearfully.

“No you’re not,” said Tammy immediately.

Marilyn nodded.

“He’s fool,” she said, “you’d be a catch for anyone with half a brain and believe me you are definitely not a man,’ she added.

Tammy nodded, “She’s right sweetie I think you make a wonderful woman, it certainly suits you more than being a boy did,” she said gently.

“You really think that?” Natasha asked.

Sure her mother knew of her transition and her SRS but she never outright told her she was okay with it.

“Yes I do. I’ve just been pig-headed, holding onto to something that’s not true I guess, just seeing you with Pat tells me you’re not a man darling, you’ve just got a woman’s touch with him, said Tammy softly.

Natasha cried some more in her mom’s arms, she had finally got the acceptance she’d craved all her life. That she was a woman and it made her feel a lot less sad about Eric. Tammy and Marilyn stayed awhile to keep her from feeling too depressed. For the first time she was treated like one of the women by them and it did a lot for her self-esteem.

Life went on for her and her son. Tammy and Natasha grew closer and she finally began treating her like the daughter she’d always been even in front of her father much to her delight. They were suddenly taking trips shopping together and gradually Tammy realised that she was taking fashion advice from her child and enjoying it too. They bonded easily now that Tammy had stopped viewing Natasha as her errant son but as her daughter while Natasha didn’t have to keep her guard up around her mom either.

It was on one of those bonding sessions that they’d bumped into Eric again. Tammy and Natasha had been leaving a mall where they’d just had makeovers done when they’d met Eric at the exit as he was entering the mall.

Natasha as you can imagine was looking her best having just got the works and was walking arm in arm with her mother, smiling and chatting the afternoon away when she’d spotted Eric which immediately wiped the smile of her face. She hadn’t heard from him since the day she’d told him her story nearly five months before.

She moved to the side a bit so they didn’t get in his way while having no intention of greeting him. But Eric had other ideas. He stood right in front of her.

“Excuse me sir, we’d like to pass,” Tammy said. She had never met Eric so she thought he was some guy just hitting on her daughter. It had happened enough times in her presence any way.

“Natasha,” said Eric.

“Please get out of my way Eric,” said Natasha more calmly than she felt.

“You know him..,” Tammy was quizzing when she realised the man’s name.

“Yes we know each other, may I have a moment with her,” said Eric.

“No you cannot talk to my daughter, haven’t you hurt her enough?” remarked Tammy angrily.

Natasha heart filled with pride, happy to hear her mother standing up for her.

“I’m sorry I did that ma’am,” apologised Eric, “I’m sorry Natasha, I was a jerk to walk away like that,” he said sincerely.

“Yes you were,” said Natasha before moving away.

“I still love you,” he said as she walked away.

Natasha froze, Tammy looked at her. Natasha looked stunned.

Eric knelt in front of her.

“What are you doing?” whispered Natasha in amazement.

“Please give me a second chance,” he begged.

A small knot of people stood there watching the scene.

“I messed up but I can do better, I know I hurt you and I’m sorry,” he repeated.

Natasha was moved.

“You really feel that way?” she asked.

“I love you girl, you’re the only woman I want,” he said.

Tammy squeezed her daughter’s hand.

Natasha close to tears went to him and nodded.

“Okay I forgive you,” she whispered.

Eric stood up and the crowd cheered.

Natasha and Eric began dating again. Eric fell deeply for her but Natasha wanted to keep it platonic for a number of reasons. The first one was Patrick, she didn’t think she could get in a relationship with someone until she told him about Debbie and she felt he was too young for that. The second was Debbie, she didn’t want to give her heart to someone else as it felt like a betrayal of her and the last one was her upbringing. Having been raised as a boy, a part of her still felt uncomfortable in having a male partner even though she was a woman. She wanted Eric as a pal not a boyfriend or so she tried to tell her heart.

Eric realised this but he was utterly in love with her and was content to wait for her to decide. Inevitably he became a big part of her life as time went on. He didn’t move in or sleep with her but he became a fixture in Pat’s life. He would be there to watch his soccer games along with Nat and everyone thought they looked cute together, he taught him the things Nat couldn’t teach him like how to hit and throw a baseball and how to be a little man who always stood up for what he believed in.

Before long he was spending the holidays with them. Bryan was the only one in the family who didn’t know Natasha had a guy in her life. He only found out a year or so after the fact when Pat had announced that Eric was going to join them for their annual Thanksgiving trip, a tradition they’d started after the Idaho incident. As a result of it Pat had never spent Thanksgiving with his grandparents instead Natasha took him on a trip every year. This year he’d chosen the Caribbean island of St Lucia for their getaway. Natasha as a way of thanking him for being so wonderful with her son and her had invited Eric to come along and he’d immediately agreed.

Bryan who’d never liked this idea of separate holidays had been hearing a lot about Eric from Pat. If the kid was to be believed he was a great guy who taught him baseball and how to ride a bike. The kid practically worshipped him. He had assumed he was a friendly neighbour who’d taken a liking to the kid, Pat being the great kid he was.

“Is he coming with his kids?” Bryan had asked the kid.

“No, Eric doesn’t have kids, it will just be the three of us,” answered Patrick.

“Oh, really,” said Bryan, finally figuring it out.

Later when Natasha came to pick up her son, he had asked about it.

“Why are you taking a man with you for your trip?” he asked when Pat was out of earshot.

Natasha froze a bit.

“Who told you that?” she asked.

“Pat. Does this Eric know about you?” he asked rather disdainfully.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” said Natasha.

“The hell it isn’t, what happens when he finds out you’re a man under all of that?” whispered Bryan angrily.

Natasha glared at him.

“When are you going to see sense and be normal?” he added angrily.

“Keep your outrage for your courtroom Dad, I’m not a man and for your own information I’m not a guy under all this I had surgery to fix that in ’99,” she hit back just as angrily.

Her father looked shocked.

Natasha smiled at him, in fact she smirked.

“And since you want to know so badly, yes he knows about me and thinks I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen,” she said, almost gloatingly before turning on her heel and walking out.

That trip to St Lucia had been an eye opener for her. She’d watched the guys in her life frolic on the beach and realised not for the first time how good Eric was with Pat, he was patient and loving with him which made her like him more. On their second night there she’d found herself pouring out her heart to him. They’d been talking about their families when she’d mentioned her father.

“Dad and I have never got along; I guess I’m a disappointment to him. When I was smaller he tried everything to make me a guy and I hated it. Phil took to those things like a duck to water while I just became more miserable,” she confessed.

“I can’t see any sign of you being a boy, didn’t it cross his mind you didn’t like it, being a boy?” Eric asked.

“Thanks, you’re too sweet but in his eyes I was a boy and I had to suck it up and be a man he told me. He wanted a son with the same interests and I couldn’t be that person and was quite depressed,” said Natasha sadly.

“It must have been so hard for you,” said Eric sympathetically.

“You have no idea, I hated my body and the way people saw me. I just wanted to die. Every waking moment I had this intense feeling that I was a girl that being a boy was a terrible mistake. Then I met Debbie in college I found myself opening up to her and she was never bothered by it. She helped me dress up and I fell for her, she was the only person who accepted me warts and all,” said Natasha with a sad smile.

“You must really miss her,” said Eric softly.

“I do, every day but having Pat around makes it better. She left me something of her,” said Natasha poignantly.

“I’m sorry,” said Eric as he saw the tear fall from her eyes.

“Don’t be, talking it about it is actually good for me. Thank you for being in my life Eric though I can’t see what you see in lil’ ole me,” said Natasha softly.

“Easy I see a beautiful, strong woman with an amazing personality. You’re so unaware of your charm and I love that about you,” said Eric earnestly.

Natasha was stunned as he picked up her hands as a slow dance started.

“May I have the pleasure of this dance?” he asked her.

She nodded and he helped her up. Carefully, he led her to the dance floor and started dancing with her holding her close to. Natasha loved the feeling of being held and led by him and at the end their eyes had locked for a long moment before he’d lowered his head and started kissing her.

Natasha had the most amazing feelings as Eric kissed her properly for the first time. Her insides melted and slowly her passion rose as her body responded to him. She was lost in the kiss and the next thing she knew they were in her room, stripping.

“Are you sure about this?” Eric asked her when she was down to her underwear.

She nodded slowly, knowing this was what she wanted.

She kissed him again.

He was gentle and ever so tender and made her first time a night to remember. Natasha felt so complete and if ever she’d doubted she was female that night with Eric banished those doubts forever.

She awoke the next morning snuggled up to someone, it was a feeling that left her feeling safe and she suddenly realised how utterly alone she’d been for most of her life. Even with Debbie she hadn’t felt this, the feeling of just giving wholly.

“You’re glowing,” said Linda when Natasha got back home, “Eric must have made you very happy,”

Natasha blushed.

“You’re blushing,” pointed out Linda happily, “you slept with him didn’t you,” she said which only made Natasha go redder.

“Tell me everything,” she insisted.

Natasha looked at her with a smile.

“I love him,” she said simply.

Linda squealed like a teenage girl.

“I’m so happy for you Nat; it’s about time you allowed this to happen,” she remarked.

“I was worried about how Pat would take it,” Nat answered.

“Why, he loves Eric,” pointed out Linda.

Natasha looked into space, on the surface Linda was right but she didn’t have all the information like she did, she suddenly worried about what would happen now that she’d taken her relationship with Eric to the next level.

What happened when she told Pat, she feared he would see it as a betrayal of Debbie at best.

“What are you not telling me?” Linda asked, looking at her in concern.

Natasha looked at her friend; she had never told her about her past in the three years they’d been neighbours and friends. She wondered if she should tell her and risk their friendship as well as Pat’s with Katie.

Then she realised Linda was a very nice person and if she didn’t like story then so be it, she wasn’t the right kind of friend.

“Linda, I haven’t been totally honest with you about my life,” began Natasha.

Linda looked askance at her and was about to say something when Nat held her hand up.

“No let me finish please, this is so hard and I can’t lose my train of thought,” said Nat.

She sighed as her friend looked at her worriedly.

“I used to be a guy,” she said slowly, “Pat is my son but I’m his father. His mother died when he was four months old and I transitioned a few months afterwards,” she finished.

Linda looked staggered, “No way you’re a man,” she murmured.

“I’m not a man, I never was I guess, that’s the problem,” said Nat softly.

“You’re kidding right, why?”

“I’ve always known that something was wrong, I hated being treated like a boy and longed for the life other girls had. I was quite unhappy with a body that said I was a boy and this only worsened as I grew older. I wanted to just end it all at one point but before I could I met Debbie, we became fast friends and I found myself telling her everything. She didn’t scorn me or laugh; instead she helped dress as a girl. We fell in love and I was so happy, for the first time in my life. We married when we were 20 and I wanted to be a good husband and a good father when Pat was born. Then four months after he was born Debbie went to get some nappies and she was killed by some drunk college kid,” said Nat, tears coursing down her face.

“When she died my whole world ended, I wanted to die and take Pat with me but one day I looked into his eyes and saw something there. I knew I couldn’t take his life and that I owed Debbie to try and be there for him. I also knew I’d fail doing it as a guy so I went to see a doctor and started to get help. The doctors thought I should be a girl too. I was prescribed female hormones and in early ’99 I had the surgery,” said Nat.

Linda had tears flowing down her face as she heard Nat’s heart-breaking story. She stood up and gave her friend a hug. The two women hugged for a long moment and Natasha felt like she’d let go of an enormous burden.

“You’re so brave,” said Linda warmly, “I don’t think I could have coped,” she murmured.

“I’m not besides you’re far stronger than I could ever be what with raising Kathy alone,” said Nat without thinking.

Linda cocked her head and laughed.

“So says the other single mom who used to be a guy,” she pointed.

Both women giggled when they realised irony of Nat’s statement.

To be continued