(Miriam and Don discover as much about themselves as they do about Jack with Dr. Ellis)

Choices

Chapter 19

“Becky.” Jack said proudly. “My name is Becky. It’s really Rebecca Katherine. But nobody has ever asked me.” He added, beaming with a wide grin.

Dr. Ellis did not respond immediately and glanced my way. Jack looked at me, searching for approval, no doubt. I stammered trying to gather my thoughts, and my emotions. ‘Becky’, I wondered. Where did that came from. I wasn’t sure I liked it. Could I think of my son as ‘Becky’? Could I ever actually call him that name? I had to say something and managed what I am sure sounded totally ridiculous.

“Uh, umm, ‘Becky’. It’s a lovely name, Jack.” In one statement I managed to use two different names, one a girl’s and one a boy’s, for my son. Jack looked a little disappointed at my lack of enthusiasm as well as my verbal clumsiness. I tried to recover.

“Rebecca Katherine! Well it is certainly a beautiful combination. I just don’t know, uh, Jack I have to be honest. I like the name, I really do but well, it’s just hard. You’ve always been my ‘Jack’. The name means a lot to me.”

I could tell I didn’t just hurt his feelings but that he felt guilty for using a different name, different than the nickname I gave him the day I learned Jack Staub was killed in Germany on the day my Jack was born. Jack reached over and put his hand on my arm to console me.

“I’m sorry mommy. Do you want me to call myself ‘Jackie’?” He offered sincerely.

“No, no. It’s all right. It’s all right Becky.” There I said it. I had no idea how that would work in the future. I was too conflicted to think about it. I wanted to believe; thought I was ready to completely embrace my cross dressing child, but couldn’t fathom dealing with two names. It just seemed too schizophrenic. ‘Time to get up for school, Jack.’ ‘How was your time on the third floor, Becky?’

“That’s a beautiful name.” Dr. Ellis chimed in. “From now on I will call you Becky.”

I never heard Dr. Ellis use the name Jack ever again.

“Listen Becky, I want you to come back soon and we will talk, just the two of us. I want to hear all about your school and friends, and I especially want to know what it is like to be Becky. But now I’m going to talk to your mom and dad for a few minutes alone. Is that all right? Can you wait in the other room?” The doctor spoke to the child as if he was really a girl.

“Sure.” He answered almost jumping out of the chair. “I understand, doctor. Daddy’s not happy. Just tell him not to worry.” Jack added innocently.

Jack gave Dr. Ellis a hug, then threw himself into my arms seeking reassurance. I hugged him tight feeling the back band of the bra he was wearing. I whispered in his ear that I loved him. I wanted to say ‘I love you Becky’ but could not muster the courage. Dr. Ellis opened the door to his outer office and ushered Jack out and my stoic husband back in.

After we were seated and the door was closed, I waited for Dr. Ellis to start a discussion but he didn’t. He just looked at the two of us. He expected one of us to say something.

Donald Roberts was a man, my man. After eighteen years of marriage I knew him so well, knew his quirks, his humor, his weaknesses. Most of all I knew his expressions. Before he said one word I saw the determination, the skepticism, and the seriousness. For Don something wasn’t right and he was going to set it straight. I knew what was coming.

“I just don’t understand doctor.” He started. “You are supposed to know how to handle things like this. We’ve got a boy who admittedly is different, I guess I can deal with that, but I thought you were going to explain that things are going to change and well, it’s not going to be good. I expected you to prepare him for, uh, well, you know.” Don could be so fumbling and inelegant sometimes.

Dr. Ellis said nothing but he was fully engaged in what Don was saying. I wanted to tell my somewhat dense life partner that neither he nor I had been successful with Jack. We couldn’t convince Jack that it would be a whole lot easier, and much safer if he just gave up this girl charade. Jack had convinced me it was real and I thought Don was starting to understand. Why did he think a stranger could motivate Jack to give up the things he had been doing for so long?

“But you didn’t do that.” He continued laying out an indictment. “You didn’t tell Jack that all this fantasy is going to come crashing down around him. Didn’t explain why he can’t pretend to be a little girl anymore. With all due respect, you practically told him what he is doing is ok. You encouraged him with compliments. ‘I like your hair.’” Don mocked Dr. Ellis. “Well, I’m not paying you to compliment my son.” There was anger in his voice.

Dr. Ellis said nothing.

“Then, I can’t believe this, then you asked if he had a girl’s name. How in the hell is that going to help?” Don waited for Dr. Ellis to answer and when he didn’t he continued, but now seemed to be talking to himself.

“Look. Ok, my son has some kind of condition. Kids are different and kids get things. I’m not naïve. So my son is sort of girly. I don’t like it but I can live with it. I’ve got a normal girl and a son. I can accept Jack and love him.” He admitted. There it was. My man showed his true self, his own self-actualization, so to speak. Without Dr. Ellis saying much of anything Don came to the conclusion he was the fortunate father of a girl, a real one, a son, a complete boy and a child somewhere in the middle, I suppose. The unfortunate point at that moment was that he didn’t realize what he had said, so he continued to rant at Dr. Ellis.

The doctor listened quietly allowing Don to talk himself out.

“But there is a limit. The hair has reached the limit, no make that exceeded. He wants to go up to the third floor and do whatever, fine. But he has to stay up there. He wants to pretend he has a different name, then he needs to just keep that to himself. I don’t want to know it.”

Finally Dr. Ellis said something. “You don’t need me Mr. Roberts. You seem to have already decided what you can and cannot accept. Why are you here?”

“Because.” Don said trying to find an answer. “Because he won’t listen to us. He’s dead set on pushing this thing. Every time we set a limit he goes further. Like today. My wife showed him how to fix his hair so he can keep it long and also go places like the boy he is. That wasn’t enough!”

“People are starting to notice how different Jack is becoming, and the way he looked today, well, in Moundsville it won’t take long before someone is knocking on our door asking questions, or worse. Tell him about Bertha, Miri.”

“I did Don. I told him about Tim and the fight and Bertha Adams when I called for the appointment last week.” I explained.

“Well it’s going to get worse if we don’t do something. We need help, your help, explaining the limits. Doctor, Jack can’t be a girl, not in Moundsville, or anywhere. It’s impossible, dangerous and delusional.” He concluded.

This time Dr. Ellis didn’t let Don’s depiction of our son go unanswered. “I can tell you with some degree of certainty that your son is not delusional.” He answered calmly.

“Well he’s something. And it’s not good, not good for us.” Don said with determination and waited again for Dr. Ellis to comment. Again he didn’t and Don continued.

“Doctor Ellis, I’m sure you are good with a lot of issues but you are being too accepting here. Right Miri?” Don looked at me expecting me to at least give an affirmative gesture. I gave no indication one way or the other.

“We want you to call Jack back in here and tell him the truth, explain that he has to grow up and be a boy, uh, man.” Dr. Ellis listened intently but didn’t respond immediately. There was silence for the longest time.

“I can’t do that.” Dr. Ellis said firmly and before Don could ask him why not Dr. Ellis continued.

“Your child is going to grow and mature but what he becomes is not yet certain. He may become a man but he likely won’t be like you imagine. I can tell you love your child and that you are more than concerned about what is going to happen. I would like you to hear me out and then you can decide to seek other treatment, do nothing, handle this yourselves or let me work with you.”
“I’m listening.” Don answered almost coldly.

“I think your child is unusual, probably not unique, but certainly rare. I think humans are advanced and complicated and do not easily fit in simple sex categories, male or female, like other species.” I noticed Dr. Ellis did not refer to Jack by his name but was neutral. I was glad he did not use the name Jack confided to Dr. Ellis; that would have set Don off. He continued.

"And I think you are unusual parents. You have handled this differently than others parents would, dare I say any other. Most, if not all would stop the behavior, or try to. They would forbid, punish, shame and disparage. If they sought help it would be to treat, fix and change the behavior."

"What's wrong with that? That's why we're here. Right Miri! You're not actually buying into this 'should have been a girl' thing are you?"

“Not the way you think. First, if a child is verbalizing something like this so strongly, and acting on it too, well, there is something much deeper than just a passing fantasy. I just don’t know yet what it is and I would never find out if I rejected what your child tells me.”

He stopped to let that sink in.

“From what I've read it is likely there are other boys like your child. It's very uncommon I think, maybe one or two in a million. No one knows for certain. There are no cases that I could find, not of children, except one from Germany years ago. Perhaps there are more but parents are too ashamed to seek help; they just deal with it privately, rather harshly I would guess. Or if help is sought the practitioner would treat cross dressing as an aberration, a deviate one. That’s what the books say. Even if, like your child, there was verbalization of being the opposite sex, or gender actually, it would normally be dismissed." He continued to explain.

"But you don't? Why?" Don asked somewhat engaged in a conversation instead of an attack.

"Carl Rogers and Maslow. I explained self-actualization to your wife but to reiterate I believe that the human basic life motive is to strive to be themselves. You’ve heard great men, and women, described as born to whatever, a great violinist, or baseball player, whatever. It sounds simplistic but I believe, in the absence of other pathology, that your child just might be right, might be trying to be what he, or dare I say she, was born to be.”

My husband’s mouth was wide open but he was listening. Don was processing the premise, going over it in his head. Don might be reactionary at times but he was reasonable. I’m sure that the reasoned explanation Dr. Ellis gave, as simplistic as it was, made him more thoughtful and less reactive.

“There is no indication of any medical issue or cause. Dr. Benson’s medical report describes a normal eleven year old male.” He added looking at me. “Further tests might reveal some genetic anomaly but I doubt it. I don’t see any psychological pathology so professionally, I don’t have an explanation. I know, Mrs. Roberts, you feel at least partly responsible and I can’t say that social or family factors are not a factor. At least that is what most of the psychiatric literature suggests. I am not totally convinced of that, given how normal and intact your family is.”

“What about our daughter? Did she have something to do with it?” I had to ask.

“I think if that were the case there would be a lot more little boys wanting to be girls. No, I doubt if what the sister did, a few times at the most, is a factor. If anything it served as confirmation to a willing child.”
“Oh.” What else could I say?

“I told you that my son is homosexual so I have been through something similar, handled it rather badly. I tried to fix him but of course, couldn’t. It fractured our relationship. I don’t want to see you go through that. I want to spare you as much of the pain and heartache as I can.” He took a deep breath.

“You were upset with me because I treated your child somewhat as a girl. I did that because that is how the child acted and appeared. You were angry because I did not explain limits or what is going to happen when puberty begins. I’m a doctor, a counselor, I don’t set limits. You are the parent. As far as puberty, if allowed, I will help your child through the impending changes as best I can.”
Dr. Ellis paused and looked through the notes in his lap.

"What I observed today, this was my first meeting, is certainly not a typical eleven year old boy. What I saw was a younger child, emotionally, maybe nine, and one who desperately wants to be seen and accepted as a girl. To be honest, had I not known the background I would have wondered why your daughter wasn't wearing a dress."

"There are clearly some social developmental issues and some confusion. The child from all indications, socializes with boys the same age some with moderate success, playing basketball, at school, but also has a friend, a girl, Joanie, where there has been a lot of girl-girl play, clothes and dress-up. And of course, your child has been cross dressing for some time, even before you were aware of it."

"That's not typical for either a boy or a girl. You wondered why I was so accepting. If I'm to have any success with a child like this then I have to interact with him, or her, the way they presented to me. Your child wanted me to see a girl. I have to honor that."

"But won't that send the wrong message. When do you explain reality to Jack?" I asked.

"When I'm asked. Perhaps in a future meeting the child will present to me as a boy. We just have to work through this. Puberty is difficult enough, and will likely be so much more difficult for a child like yours. I'm sure you expected something different from me and you might decide to go in a different direction. I think you know what the textbook says; a child who is a cross dresser, as I have said, is perverse and deviant. It is generally thought that such behavior is a precursor to homosexuality. The recommended treatment would be intensive therapy sessions to try to change the behavior and perhaps medication, drugs. Some, many really, resort to aversion therapy."

Aversion therapy?" Don asked.

"Unfortunately it’s widely accepted. Essentially it punishes the behavior thought to be wrong or immoral through the use of electrical shock or nausea inducing drugs. The practitioner might show the subject pictures of the offending behavior, or actually have the subject wear clothes of the opposite sex, and then administer the shock, or the drug. The theory is that the patient will no longer associate the behavior as pleasurable, or fun, and will learn to avoid it."

"God, that sounds terrible. Does it work?" Don asked almost hopefully.

"I’m sure in the short term the offensive behavior stops, but long term it creates rebellion, acting out, adjustment issues, neurosis and worse. I believe it is the worst modern psychiatry can offer." He noted emphatically.

“I don’t know how to say this but my advice is to embrace it. That doesn’t mean you should start treating you child like a girl or tell anyone. That would be disastrous, of course. But in your attitude and the way you think about it. You have to stop thinking this is a bad thing and you have to stop trying to fix your child. In my opinion there isn’t anything wrong, just unusual behavior we need to try to understand. Our first goal should be to protect.” Dr. Ellis said convincingly.

I searched my husband’s face for his reaction to the advice Dr. Ellis just gave. I thought I might see anger, or at least resistance but all I could read in that face was that Don was thinking, processing. The wheels were turning.

“But before we talk about the future let me tell you more about what I found in the OSU Library. I didn’t want to share this with your child in the room. They are, well, frankly, more than unpleasant.”
He then started going through his notes. He described a book from the 1930’s called the ‘Encyclopeadia of Sexual Knowledge’. He read a quote he had copied.

‘We cannot end this study of homosexuality without making some mention of transvestism, even though that may not be a perversion of object in the exact sense. The patient who is afflicted by it identifies himself with the opposite sex just as much in his manner of dressing as in his ideals in general. He does not, however, necessarily have homosexual tendencies.’

I had read something similar in the textbook at the Moundsville library and worried so much at that time about what Jack was doing and a connection to homosexuality. Dr. Ellis explained.

“This is essentially your child but I doubt the link to homosexuality. This reference was describing adult males. But your child does identify with the opposite sex, dresses at times like the opposite sex and has the idea that he is the opposite sex, but it’s too early to be certain about homosexual tendencies.”

I had to ask. “So Jack won’t be homosexual?” That wasn’t the exact question I wanted to ask. If our cross dressing child wasn’t going to be homosexual, it was a relief but made me wonder what I knew in my heart he could not answer. If Jack continued on this path, continued to cross dress, what would he become?

“I really don’t know for sure but I don’t think so. I have a few patients, boys, his age and older who definitely show those tendencies, homosexual tendencies and I feel very comfortable saying your child is not like them. And I have only seen incidental cross-dressing in these boys. That may be some relief for you now but I just don’t know what it means as he gets older. Let me tell what else I found.”
He went back to his notes and read more.

‘Transvestism is a very frequent phenomenon, almost as frequent as homosexuality. Persons who have such a tendency usually conceal it very cleverly, so that their nearest relatives are often unaware of it. Moreover, they may lead an absolutely normal sexual life.’

He continued looking up over his glasses from time to time to see our reactions. I tried to form an image in my pea brain what that meant. An adult cross dressing man might have a ‘normal’ sexual life. Not in my bedroom.

‘The way in which transvestism is brought about raises the same problem as that of the origin of homosexuality. Some insist on its acquired character in the majority of cases, and believe that a too close attachment to the person of the mother often has something to do with the evolution of this tendency. On the other hand, Magnus Hirschfeld and his followers maintain that transvestism is not an acquired tendency, but that it is innate and simply becomes stronger as the subject advances in age. At all events, an apparently chance occurrence may suddenly cause it to attain complete development.’

“So there are probably a lot of men to do some cross dressing from time to time and sometimes, in the adult male, it becomes pronounced.” He explained. Don was shaking his head. I was desperately trying to keep the image of Don wearing one of my dresses out of my head. I almost didn’t hear the story Dr. Ellis was telling.

“I had one case, a year or so ago of a rather prominent Wheeling official, in his forties, who was pulled over by the police and was dressed completely as a woman. He avoided jail, and publicity but had to be in quote unquote treatment for a year.” Dr. Ellis chuckled thinking about it. “I let him bring clothes, women’s clothes, to his session and I would lock the door and he would dress up and we would talk. He’s doing fine now, I think, just being more careful.”

“Really!” Don exclaimed now so transfixed on what Dr. Ellis was saying that he seemed to forget about Jack and how it related to us personally.

“But I did find one reference to a boy, a young boy in Germany in the early 1900’s.” He continued shifting back to his notes. “In some cultures, Germany specifically, boys and girls are treated roughly the same when they are toddlers. You see boys in Germany usually wear a frock-like dress as children but it is replaced at age six. Let me read what I found.”

‘The child was remarkable only for his calm and reserve; he played alone and never troubled either adults or his playmates. It was only when his parents wished to replace the girl's dress, which is customary with very young children, by a boy's suit that the child became recalcitrant and fought with all his strength against having his clothes changed. He still wanted to wear a dress; nevertheless the parents insisted that the child, who was perfectly masculine in physical form, should wear trousers.’

He stopped reading from the passage he had copied. “This is troubling but I have to tell you. The boy then tried to hurt himself by tying a string tightly around his penis. This was discovered before serious damage was done but the boy said he wanted to get rid of it. Like your child he started wearing girls’ dresses, mostly of his sisters. The boy grew up and did well in school but never gave up his behavior. In this case the book said the boy’s sexual development was normal but that he did have homosexual tendencies. As an adult he started living as a woman.”

He paused. “Before you jump to conclusions please remember this is only one case. I found no others and you would have told me if your child tried to hurt himself.”

“Yes of course! He hasn’t.” I said confidently.

He then took another deep breath and continued.

“Are you ready for this? This man had himself castrated in 1921 and had his penis removed in 1930. There was an attempt to make an artificial vagina.”

I stood up and turned away from Dr. Ellis. Don sat motionless. Without turning around I said. “So you’re telling us that Jack is going to get worse and that he’ll be like that Christine person that’s been in the news and that there’s nothing else we can do? And if, if we ignore it, he could end up hurting himself?”

I had banished thoughts of any drastic measures for my little boy and didn’t dare think of what that Christine person did. I could accept everything else, the cross dressing, the hair, even a different name, but not that. I believed in my little boy and his girl feelings but the image of Jack trying to be an adult woman deeply hurt me; it was visceral.

“No, not exactly. I don’t know that. We can’t know that. And that’s the problem. We don’t know how Jack will end up and we don’t know what to do about this. The case from this book is very rare, I think. The Christine Jorgensen story is also rare. I just wanted you to know the worst case scenario. More likely Jack will adjust and find a balance that is acceptable and manageable. A balance he can live with and one you can live with, maybe like my other patient I told you about.”

Faith is sometimes a difficult thing to maintain and I momentarily lost mine. I turned back to Dr. Ellis, still standing. “Balance? I think what you mean is that he will never be normal, and could become uh, I don’t know, become a freak. Balance just means we deal with his abnormality. Jack will never be a normal boy, I’ve accepted that but he can’t become a normal girl, either, or a woman. I just don’t know how I can deal with something in between!”

I don’t know why I said those things. I thought I was a believer but obviously in my heart I must have hung onto hope that Jack could still be Jack at least partially. I felt Dr. Ellis was telling me he didn’t see this moderating or abating in any way. I started to cry.

“So what then do we do? I mean, what do we do for Jack now? What do we do in a year or two when he starts to develop? How does this work when a boy starts feeling sexual urges? What if he tries to hurt himself? How do you keep the balance then? What if he starts liking boys? What happens when he gets beat up or arrested? That’s what we need help with.” All I could do was ask questions and be emotional.

It was Don’s turn to console me. He took my hand and pulled me back down next to him. I just wanted to be told what to do and when to do it. I didn’t want to have to choose or to dictate Jack’s life to him. I wanted him to be able to go to school, have friends and enjoy becoming an adult, preferably a male one. I wanted to keep my son, not gain another daughter.

“That’s why I’m here, for you as you and your child goes through this. I just can’t tell you what you should do, now or later. I can tell you that you are unusual parents. Most would have walked out, or wouldn’t have come in the first place. I do think you are doing the right thing by not rejecting your child and how he feels. Your child may be rare and different and a challenge but I don’t see any psychiatric pathology. But many if not most of my peers would not agree with me. They would see the cross-dressing and acting out as deviate behavior that would call for that drastic and costly treatment.”

“Umm.” Don wisely said and with a sly look and shaking his head, he continued. “A boy thinking he is a girl sounds like pathology to me, and I’m damn well sure it would to everyone we know and most we don’t. But I am more than willing to skip the drastic treatment, and avoid the costly.”

“Skipping traditional treatment, Mr. Roberts, is one of the decisions you must make. It would signal that you embrace your child, as he or she is. It would be life changing and put you at odds with family, friends, and especially the medical community. Your child’s behavior is unacceptable in our society in public or if known. I think there are laws about men impersonating a woman. That would probably extend to boys. You would have little or no support, other than myself and perhaps someone like Carl Rogers. You would be isolated.” Dr. Ellis warned.

“You know doc.” Don said to the professional with particular intimacy. “I kind of like swimming upstream. Always have.” That was the first clue that the man who had been so certain and adamant before had shifted his thinking.

I had to step in. “Let’s say that we just continue. Where does that lead? Should we let him dress around the house? He’s got a brother and sister. Should we indulge him, buy him a dress? Or should we sit back and let him continue going up to the third floor all by himself dressing up? That couldn’t be good either?”

“I don’t have a road map. I don’t think being isolated would be healthy but I don’t know how it would work allowing him to express himself around you and the brother and sister. As hard as it will be you will have to decide. But I will say two things. I would favor indulgence in this case as opposed to repression, and openness as opposed to isolation. That’s just my psychiatric instinct here. Repression could bring pathology.”

“And the second?” I asked.

“We need to find a doctor who has personally worked with this, preferably with children. I have already written to my friend Carl Rogers. I explained what I knew before today. Now I will follow up and ask him if he knows anyone who has worked with a child like yours. Our only real choice is to do the heavy lifting; seek answers and challenge everything.” Then he gave us his last general advice.

“Give him choices. Encourage the things he likes to do as a boy, don’t repress girl behavior. See where this leads. I hope you will let me stay involved.” He concluded.

It seems that my husband liked to have things clear in his head before he drove off the cliff. “Ok, let me see if I understand. You’re suggesting we actually let this continue, that we indulge to some extent and that we buy into the notion, his notion, that he is what he clearly is not, a girl?”

“Think about it. You already have, to some extent. You listened when he reached out. You allowed him to express his feelings in a restricted area of your home, the third floor, while you tried to figure it out. Look you have already accepted your child as different, Mr. Roberts, not as a girl of course but you said it yourself. You said you loved him and could accept that he is, what word did you use, uh, ‘girlie’. You may not have realized it but you accepted that your son is girly.”

When you experience a moment like what Dr. Ellis just gave us, you can’t possibly comprehend how life changing it is. But that moment defined for us what course we would take, for me and especially for Don. For Don that moment resonated and his resistance seemed to melt.

We soon found ourselves in the doctor’s outer office where a tired little boy-girl had fallen asleep. Before I could reach him Don was there, gently shaking his different child, lovingly brushing his hair out of his eyes.

“Hey, time to wake up.” He whispered. “Come on, sit up and give me a hug.” Don said with a tear in his eye.

In one day the number of believers tripled and I breathed a sigh of relief. Now we just had to think about how we were going to live our lives with a child who insisted he was a girl and who had convinced three educated sane adults that he was right.