Now, I am old.
The strange friendless boy whom no one liked or really knew, is now even stranger.
I sit here, alone, in my dark lonely shabby room and look at the dingy walls,
the yellowing tattered drapes, and worn frayed carpeting and see that it reflects myself.
The bright colors and cheerful hopes of youth are stained and faded.
It comes to me that I have daydreamed my life away.
I did not share of myself and now there is nothing left but an empty husk.
I think, others must have had many the same and different such hopes and dreams..
But then, I thought: they preserved them through love and effort and care.
They reached out and did not hide, nor fear rejection, but were true to who and
what they were,
So their dreams flourished and enriched them and mayhap those that came after.
And they are not alone and have those that cherish them.
Those that will mourn their passing and honor their memory.
................................................................................................................................................
Dried twisted leaves flutter in the breeze as they drift past.
The cheap stone already wearing smooth at the head of the neglected grave.
Others around have flowers and such to mark the visits of loved ones,
but none are, nor will be, here.
And now, there is none to ever know that the strange friendless boy who lies here,
was really a girl.
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Comments
Strong stuff
An apt encouragement for those dithering even though aging is tough for even the luckiest or bravest...
Rhona McCloud
This was far too much like my own life for my comfort....
For while I did eventually find courage, I didn't find it soon enough. I wanted girls' toys and clothes as a child, but was afraid to ask for them; even after I left home, I was too afraid of the opinions of other people to transition earlier than my mid-thirties. Therefore, I cheated myself out of untold years as Rachel. I acted, but it was too little, too late.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
The Heart of the Matter
You capture the essence of the what it means to be trans, or whatever term for gender variant feelings applies. For us, embracing and accepting ourselves, and being able to act on our deep feelings could never come early enough. Thank you for making that point so simply and starkly. Your piece is both tragic and reaffirming.
It is beautiful and so are you.
Sherry Ann
I almost ended up like this girl
took a catastrophe to get me moving, but boy am I glad I moved!
SAD
way too many end up just like this Never Brave Enough :-(
Life is never that straightforward
There are plenty who reached out and were true to themselves but were still rejected. I remember going to the funeral of a friend having been asked to do the eulogy then was ignored by her daughter who handed the whole service over to a priest who'd never met the deceased and who hardly mentioned anything of relevance. My son who came with me, and who was quite fond of her, nearly walked out at one point it was so awful.
I'm supposedly living the dream and have been for twenty eight years in about 6 weeks time, life still throws up challenges, I live alone and will probably remain that way, but I'm no longer obsessed with issues of my gender, so I can focus on more everyday things like housework, gardening, work and cycling and occasionally dormice.
I hope you don't feel as bleak as this poem suggests, Allison.
Hugs,
Angharad
Angharad
I did not have the courage.
I did not do it until I was so medicated that I did not know which way was up. Then I did it because it seemed my only choice. Mean while my family threw me out because they thought I was gay. I have actually only had sex with one person in my life.
Perhaps your not having the courage was the best choice for you.
Gwen
Choose...
It's not easy.
It's scary.
It's a risk
But remember Montrose's toast….
She lies alone, imprisoned by fate,
her face hidden, her nature denied.
Then into her gaol a mystic song steals,
Seductively painful, well known since a child.
Within it’s sweet melody a promise is held,
A life and a death, both pain and reward.
The sirens entice and the woman must yield,
Offering herself to the harpies’ sharp claws.
Fear of the drugs and fear of the blade,
Fear of relations and fear of reflections.
Courage is hard when you can’t share your fears,
But the fear of not trying pushes on past the tears.
Ahead lies the light, on each hand lies despair.
Behind are the ashes of chances deferred.
Damned if she stays and damned if she dares,
Well damn all the world, I’ll finally be her.
(C) Persephone 2011
Persephone
Non sum qualis eram