I want success in my life. I really, truly, honestly do. And yet, for some reason I find myself continuously sabotaging the opportunities given to me to obtain it.
Okay, so that's being rather melodramatic, but the simple truth is that I have a hard time keeping myself on task when it comes to projects or responsibilities a lot of the time.
Take right now, for instance. I've got two major projects I'm working on book-wise plus an independent article that will actually fetch me money. Despite this it's almost 2:30 in the afternoon and I have yet to touch any of them. In fact, despite writing something like 5k words yesterday none of them were on what is arguably the most important project, the paid one, because every time I look at it my brain starts to twist around and my eyes start to water because it's so overdue and for someone I really respect and love as a friend and they're trying to help me out and it's just... stagnant.
I look at my document for it, with it's 800 words or so already written, and I know I only need 1700 more but every time I try to write it I have to close my eyes or else start crying because I'm stressing myself out. I'm not even under any pressure over it from others, but my own emotional pressure and insecurities keep beating me over the head and I just... I can't. So I minimize it and work on something else if I can, or if not try to distract myself with reading.
If there is one skill I need to improve it's my work ethic. In one way it's quite strong in that I DO feel an obligation to those I work with to hold up my own end of responsibilities for projects that affect a group, but the flip side of that coin is that when it comes to personal growth projects or things where the primary benefit is for me I always seem to slip up, to fail.
To disappoint.
I'm sure I'm not unique in this, but hell. I'm 27 years old, and I have no accomplishments, no really useful education, and little in the way of prospects to improve either one any time soon. With the help of friends I have opened up pathways to improving myself, but it's a long, slow road, and one that there are too many days when I have trouble taking even one step forward. I'm unhappy with my body, I'm unhappy with my attitudes, and I'm scared of the shadows that are constantly circling the perimeter of my little shell of life, waiting for me to finally give in and turn the lights out so they can wrap me in darkness.
Some days it just doesn't feel like it's worth it to climb out of bed and even try, and as much as I fight that, as much as I try not to give in, I always lose.
One can only indulge in escapism for so long before it starts to make the weight of the world that much heavier on your shoulders, no matter how slight that weight may actually be.
Right now, I could really use a crane to get this Buick off my back.
I said I wanted success at the start of this, but no, that's not really true. I think what I want is peace of mind. I want to be able to live day to day without worrying about where the next meal is coming from or if I'm pissing off my friends who try to help me. I want to be content with my body and my relationships and my work. I want comfort, and not a life of leisure, but a life of happiness.
Why does that all seem so impossible to ever have?
Melanie E.
Comments
For me...
I've got a fear of success as well as a fear of failure. I haven't finished a single writing project in over 15 years. I feel your pain.
~And so it goes...
Dear Melanie,
Please don't take this as a put-down, but it sounds like you might be clinically depressed.
You have to realize that I've had to take antidepressants for the last 37 years; I see all kinds of problems in terms of mental health and how psych drugs might be able to help. I guess it depends a lot on what you have for health insurance. If you've got none or X thousand $ deductible, you might have to resort to your state or county 'mental health for the poor' system and the results could be hit or miss. I think there is free counseling from places like Jewish or Catholic social services (at least there are around here, PHX, AZ area). These counselors might have a BA in social work or counseling, etc. so can't prescribe drugs, but they might be familiar enough with psychiatry to know if you should see an MD.
On the other hand, you could meet some body, fall in love then have all kinds of vigor to finish writing assignments, complete college courses plus having a happy life!
Try to relax, get some exercise and hang in there.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
I think I'll be alright
Tomorrow I'll probably write three chapters and a brand-new short story to post here. I'm just...
*sigh*
I'll be fine. I promise.
Melanie E.
*hugs*
I can think of nothing more to say than to offer *hugs*
I hope you've managed to have some joy in writing today.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Mekanie...
Do you have something you could do next to you? Something like a simple game, or even a musical instrument? Write, play, look around, come back to your screen?
My own work is stymied by the simple fact of working twelve-hour shifts...
I can't help, but...
...boy, do I ever understand! I haven't finished a story myself in about fifteen years, and that was a short story. I have countless ideas for longer narratives, but always get bogged down when I attempt them. Outlining? Even after all the books I've read, I still have no clue how. So I remain stuck.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
Let's Take It One at a Time
Tell that miserable ass who hired you that you've reached a blank wall on that assignment, and then ask for a list of other items you can write. That organization probably has thousands of things that need to be written that will roll of your keyboard. I'm sure of it. My guess is you don't feel you can write something that will come up to the high standards you've set for yourself and don't want to throw junk at the wall. Perfectly understandable.
Now . . . the body issue. Is anyone really happy with their body?
Now . . . happiness. The Dalai Lama says, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."
Since you're one of the most compassionate people I know, as much as I know you, you already know all about how good you feel when you've been compassionate.
Years ago, I ran across a person who was down on herself. I arranged for her to receive positive reviews on her charity work from a number of friends of mine. I felt good because she became truly happy. I'm sure each of my friends felt good having contributed to her happiness. She made a miraculous change in her life, once she began to believe she had self-worth. It was a random act of kindness, and as you know, I'm not the most wonderful person in the world, so I'm sure you'd be much better at it than I ever have been.
You are terrific. Don't let something like writer's block define you. There are dozens of sites about fighting writer's block.
Define your self by the goodness you do, which is plenty.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Positive reviews.
I think we forget how much we want appreciation for our work and how much even one positive comment or two can mean to us.
Rasufelle in regards to your situation I have a few questions for you. In terms of attention are you well organized or do you follow the principles of C.A.R.P.?
For feeling better have you considered Accupuncture or Transcendental Meditation. I've meditated before and when you hit that state they talk about you can't beat it. The contentment, erasing the self-doubt and just promoting a sense of relaxation. This is coming from someone who has the attention problem you speak of.
There are also some herbs which should help you with mood. I believe St.John's Wort is suppose to help.
I do meditate on occasion
as part of my quasi-pseudo-neo-wicca-pagan stuff, and it does help, but on days like this I just can't get the feel of it right. As for things like acupuncture or, well, anything that takes money? That's a no-go until I get a more solid income stream.
I'm not exactly supremely organized most of the time, though that's entirely dependent on what I'm doing. There are a lot of things I can be pretty obsessive about and I'm neurotic to a rather annoying degree, but frankly while I'm good at PLANNING to be organized maintaining it over an extended period of time is something else entirely. I'm a fairly unstructured person when it comes to how I think and do things most of the time, and while that surely doesn't help me it's also part of my pretty heavy right-brain emphasis.
I'm a bit better now. I gave myself a day to decompress/relax/do nothing, and that seems to have helped a little. Things should be improving as far as my ability to get out and about pretty soon, and when that happens hopefully everything else will improve too.
Melanie E.
Right brain.
Doesn't mean you don't have some necessity to adhere to C.A.R.P. inside. I think as humans we all crave some spatial organization and not having some semblance of it may even somewhat create or exaggerate the common ADD/ADHD. I would argue that ADD/ADHD can be, though is not always, masking a larger issue.
Well I hope everything gets better for you Mel(hope you don't mind me nicknaming you this).
I am overly organized sis.....
You are the little bit of sunshine and randomness that my life needs. Don't you dare go changing that!
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
As one who is privy to the inside story....
I found this somewhat numerous. Nicely done Angela.
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Come on sis.....
I know you can do it! If you can save my pitiful excuse of a life, you can certainly put some motivation into your own!
Just remember, excuses are like assholes - everyone has one, and they are always full of shit.
Focus and make it happen.
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
I have been selfish
I owe you an apology. Here I sit, wallowing in my own issues - my own depression, my physical and mental exhaustion from dealing with work issues, and my emotional exhaustion from dealing with my life and my family - and I completely ignore you.
Please forgive me - how could I be so self-absorbed, so selfish and self centered as to completely miss your anguish and your troubles?
You have always been there for me, yet I refuse to let you in beyond the surface of my existence.
Please forgive me sis - for I know not what I do.
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
You haven't ignored me at all sis.
You've been BUSY, which is completely different. Besides, as much as you're my support right now you aren't responsible for my wellbeing: I am.
I get like this sometimes. It's a'ight.
Melanie E.