What is courage? Is it that thing that causes a soldier to rush a heavily occupied enemy fort, knowing he might die in the attempt? Is it that thing that causes someone to do the right thing even though it might hurt them? Is it making the right decision for oneself, knowing that all the other choices presented are worse in the long run?
I'm somewhat puzzled by the REAL definition of courage. A lot of people who knew me pre-transition, have praised my "courage" for knowing what was right for me and going for it in the face of what seemed to them to be societal disapproval. But is it really courage, or is it rather that all the other choices open to me seemed to lead to deepening depression and even suicide and I chose what seems to others to be the more rational path?
Is it courage that makes me face the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" and go out each day, knowing, or at least believing I know, that there is always the chance of someone "reading" me and either verbally or physically expressing their disapproval of me and my life choices? Or is it rather that I believe so strongly in what IS right for me that I had no other logical choices? I know that I don't "present" very well, and please don't disparage or deny what I know to be fact. I take solace in knowing that most people, those out shopping of whatever, don't bother to really LOOK at me, examine me, with the thought in their minds, "Is that a real woman or some clown's idea of what a women should look like?" "Is that a woman or a man trying to LOOK like a woman?"
I go about my daily life and business as if I am what I present myself to be... a person doing what people do. I seldom, if ever, really THINK about how I look. Instead I rely on the knowledge that most people out shopping or whatever, are in their own little worlds for the most part, and if they DO look at me, I present enough visual clues to cause them to pretty much ignore me in favor of completing their own personal mission, thus causing them to never have that niggling little doubt about whether I am what I seem to be, hopefully.
I am one of those folks whose situational awareness is always present. I know who and how many are near me at any given time. It isn't something that I am always aware of, but rather something that is ingrained in me, a kind of autonomic function much like breathing, that keeps me safe in MY own little world, but... sometimes, sometimes something will happen that jars me out of this automatic thing and makes me realize that I am, in one sense, playing a role. A role that someone who looks like I do, is expected to perform to more or less perfection, just so I can go about my day relatively safe from those aforementioned slings and arrows.
Is it courage or desperation that drives me to attempt to present myself as something I wasn't born as, or is it something else? Envy maybe? Jealousy? Am I thumbing my nose at the rest of the world by "fooling them" into thinking that I am what I present myself to be?
I dunno. I certainly don't FEEL courageous. I feel.... well, I feel like me. It makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable each time someone "accuses" me of being courageous or brave. Trust me, I am FAR from either of those defining terms. I feel as though I made the only logical decision I could make in order to continue my earthly existence and not simply vanish from life, unremembered.
Mind you, this whole blog thing is not my attempt to rationalize or explain why I've done what I've done. It's only a mental exercise to help me understand WHY others see me as courageous. Maybe if I understood why some think I am, well then I would BE courageous or brave, could actually SEE myself in that light and, if I could rationalize it to myself, it would help set my mind a little more at ease.
I am, as others describe me, an intelligent human being. I don't see myself as being that, but others HAVE described me that way. Am I being self deprecating and, by being so, am I denying who and what I really am, just playing it off as only being THEIR definition of me? I have also been called egotistical and selfish. I guess I am, in some ways. Certainly transitioning is, to my mind, one of the most selfish things a person can do. By denying what anyone else thinks or believes, I chose to make a decision to be who I truly believe myself to be, flying in the face of societal mores and familial wants or needs. I am no longer the brother they all thought I was. Not the friend that others thought I was. Not the typical "guy" anymore. I took myself out of their comfortable, ordered thought patterns and forced them all to see me as who I AM, much to their consternation. Oh,the outcry and disbelief that I, their BROTHER, their SON, their UNCLE, their FRIEND, would shake their views of me and force them to accept me as I really am. Some did, and some didn't.
Well, anyway, I guess that's enough for now. What do you all think? What do you all believe is courage? This is a fascinating train of thought to me, and I DO wonder what you all think about it. It's also a way for me to come to grips with something that has always puzzled me. WHAT IS COURAGE?
To all my sisters and brothers out there who may be wondering the same things, I am,
Catherine Linda Michel
Comments
What is Cowardice?
All day, every day, we see injustices, or people suffering or in need - usually very small things, but real ones nevertheless. Someone unsteady on their feet, hesitating at a street corner. A homeless man begging for change. A stranger peering one way and the other, obviously lost or confused.
Most people make little decisions to 'just let it go,' to 'don't say anything, keep walking' every day. It's frightening, even if it's a very small fright, to stand out from the crowd, to be seen as separate. To act.
And yet we admire those they see who step forward and act, small things that would be uncomfortable or frightening or difficult, but seem right. We see people who act as having courage. We see ourselves as lacking courage for not acting.
In much the same way, most people never act to define themselves as different than their friends, families and companions, even though we are ALL different. It is frightening and difficult and uncomfortable to step away from what we see as "the norm," just as it is to step up and act differently to help someone else.
When people see you defining yourself so dramatically (and I wish there were a better word... "drastically?" "emphatically?"), people see their own histories of cowardice, whether it was tiny choices to "Just fit in, that's too colorful..." or life-defining "No, I could never disappoint Mom and Dad... I'll keep it secret..."
Or the big one: "I want to, need to... but people will laugh at me..."
People see you choosing to do something scary, difficult, different - defining yourself. And most can relate, since they've chosen not to. Because it's scary.
And so they see your courage. :-)
As a soldier.....
My definition of courage has always been two-fold.
First, courage is the greater fear of appearing to be afraid. It is the act of being brave not for oneself, but rather because it is expected of you - rather that it is necessary that you appear to be brave so as to instill the same in those around you. Courage is taking an action which you inherently know goes against every instinct your body possesses; standing up in a firefight to return fire or lay down covering fire, running into a burning building when everyone else is running away, crawling onto a frozen lake to rescue someone who has broken through the ice, or jumping into a swollen river to help a drowning victim. These things that go against every message which your body and brain are screaming at you - these are courageous.
Second, courage is doing that which is right, even when you know it will result in harm to you - whether physical, emotional, economic, or social harm matters not. The drive to keep one's head down in this situation may not be quite as instinctive, but it is just as real.
While your actions may truly be seen by some as selfish, and I say that while standing in much the same position, they are none the less still courageous. Yes, I, like you, made a selfish decision to be the person that I have always been down deep inside - hidden away, buried under a facade decades deep. I made that decision knowing that I was potentially hurting several people who mean more to me than anything else in this world. I made my decision because I knew in my heart that they were losing me in one way or another. If I transitioned there was still the possibility that I might not lose them. If I didn't, they would eventually be standing by a casket watching as it was slowly lowered to the sound of taps played by two bugles.
It takes courage to make that decision. I know - I lay awake at night for two years trying to make it.
I am proud of you Hon.
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Courage
The most simple definition of courage I can come up with is doing what must be done while fearing that the outcome may be negative, even to the point of personal harm or death.
Make no mistake, the battlefield hero doesn't lack fear. No, he simply disregards fear and does what he knows must be done.
In a sense, that's just what you did when you transitioned. I've never talked to anyone who transitioned who didn't have some misgivings as to the outcome; even fearing physical retribution from family and friends. Even lacking that, knowing there will be loss involved; knowing that not all they hold dear will ever come to accept, let alone embrace what they need to do. It does take courage to transition... I've heard many say it was transition or die (commit suicide.) Personally, I think it takes more courage to live and do the needed thing to survive than to quietly go to bed with too many sleeping pills. Unfortunately too many of our sisters have not had that courage and chose to end it all. Would that society (family and friends) would simply say, "What ever floats your boat," and get on with being our friend, brother, sister, father mother, or neighbor as if it was ordinary to switch teams.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann