Transgendered Fairy Tales
by Kaleigh Way

A poor widow had two sons, and by-and-by the time came to send them into the world to seek their fortune. She bade the eldest to bring a can of water from the well, so she could cook a johnnycake for him. However much or however little water he brought, the cake would be great or small accordingly, and that cake was all she could give him when he left for his travels.

The lad was ready and willing to go, and so he ran to the well and filled the can with water. Even in his haste, he saw the can was broken, so he ran all the faster to race against the water that leaked from the can. The water was little, so the cake was small. Small as it was, his mother asked whether he was willing to take half with her blessing, or the whole without. The young man, not knowing when next he'd find food, thought he could do without his mother's blessing, so she gave him the whole cake.

Then he took his younger brother aside, and gave him a knife. "Mind that you look at the blade each morning," says he. "If it's bright and clean, you'll know I'm well. But if it's dim and rusty, know for certain some ill has befallen me."

Then off he went to seek his fortune. After he'd gone a long way, he met an old woman, who asked if he could spare a bit of his johnnycake. "Faith," says he, "What I have is little enough. If I give to you, it's less for me." And on he went, for a day and another day.

On the third day, in the afternoon, he met a shepherd with a flock of sheep. He asked the shepherd who the sheep belonged to, and the man replied, "The Red Ettin of Ireland, the one from Ballygan. He's the same as stole King Malcolm's daughter, King Malcolm the king of Scotland. 'Tis said he treats her worse than badly, but the man who can stay his hand is yet to be born."

Now, you may never see an ettin with your own eyes, but they were common enough in your grandad's day. An ettin is a giant with three heads, as wicked and as ugly as an ancient evil.

Our friend knew well enough to steer clear of an ettin, but the shepherd also warned him to beware of the beasts that lay on the road ahead. Sure enough, as the fellow went on, he saw a multitude of dreadful creatures, all of them with two heads, and every head with four horns. What with the roaring and the smell, the young man was frightened within an inch of his life, and he ran off as fast as he was able. He was mighty glad when he came upon a little hill with a castle on it. The castle's door stood wide open to the wall. He went inside and found an old woman sitting by the kitchen fire.

He asked if he could stay the night, as he was tired from his long journey. The old woman said he could, but it might not be the best place for him, as the castle belonged to the Red Ettin, who spared no living man it ever got hold of. The lad would have gone away, but he was afraid of the beasts outside and the approaching night, so he begged the old woman to hide him as best she could and not to tell the ettin he was there. He planned to leave with morning's light. But he hadn't been long in his hiding hole before the awful ettin came in, and no sooner was he in that he began sniffing and shouting:

"Snouk but and snouk ben,
Sure and I smell an earthy man!
Be he living, be he dead
I'll have his heart on a slab of bread!"

The monster soon sniffed out the poor boy, and pulled him from his hole. When he had him out, he told him that if he could answer three questions, his life would be spared. So the first head asked, "A thing without an end — what's that?" The second head asked, "The smaller, the more dangerous — what's that?" The third head asked, "The dead carry the living — riddle me that!"

The young man, frightened as he was, couldn't make heads or tails of any of the riddles, and had to give it up. As luck would have it, the monster wasn't hungry — but he did need more servants, so the Red Ettin picked up his mallet, knocked the boy on the head, and turned him into the most darling servant girl you'd ever laid eyes on. "It's you who'll bring my breakfast, dawn o' day," says the giant, "But once act up or try to run, 'tis my breakfast you will be!"

The morning after this happened, the younger son looked at his brother's knife, and was grieved to find it brown with rust. He told his mother that his own time had come to follow the road. She sent him to the well to fetch a can of water, so she might bake him a johnnycake. He went, as anxious to be off as his brother was, but a raven overhead cried out, "Have a care!" He looked, and lo! there was all the water running out. Being of good sense, he patched the holes with clay, and brought enough water for a large cake. When his mother asked whether he'd take the half with her blessing or the whole without, he took the half and the blessing. Yet the half he took was bigger than the whole cake the other lad left with.

Off he went, and after a time he met an old woman who asked for a bit of his johnnycake. He gladly shared the cake with her, and wouldn't you know, but the old woman was a fairy, and she knew who he was and where he was going. She put a charm upon his axe, and told him what to do on the road ahead. Then with a paff! and a whiff of smoke she vanished from his sight.

He went on a great deal farther, until he met the shepherd. As his brother had done, he asked whose sheep they were. The shepherd answered, "The Red Ettin of Ireland, the one from Ballygan. The same as stole King Malcolm's daughter, King Malcolm the king of Scotland. He treats her cruelly, but not for long: His end is near; his destiny at hand. It's plain to see, you're heir to everything he owns!"

Soon the lad came to the place of the monstrous beasts. He did not stop or run away, but went boldly through their midst. One came roaring up to devour him, but he struck it with his axe and down the beast fell, dead.

Then he came to the ettin's castle, where he knocked and was let in. The old woman who sat by the fire warned him of the terrible Red Ettin, and told him what became of his brother, but he was nothing daunted. The monster soon came in, shouting,

"Snouk but and snouk ben,
Sure and I smell an earthy man!
Be he living, be he dead
I'll have his heart on a slab of bread!"

He called the young man before him, and put the three questions to him. But the lad was forewarned by the old fairy, so he was able to answer them all. When the first head asked, "What's the thing without an end?" he answered, "A bowl." And when the second head asked, "The smaller, the more dangerous?" he answered, "A bridge." And when the third head asked, "The dead carrying the living?" he answered, "A boat on the sea with men inside her."

When the Red Ettin heard the replies, he knew his power was gone. The lad stepped up at once and cut off all three heads, as neatly as you please.

Then he asked the old woman where the king's daughter was kept. The old woman took him upstairs and unlocked a great many doors. Out of every door came a beautiful lady, imprisoned there by the Red Ettin, and one of the ladies was the king's daughter.

Well, another of the ladies was his own brother, and so the boy took the Red Ettin's mallet in hand and said, "Some of ye were lassies and some of ye were lads, but I canna tell the one from the other. If ye need to be put back to what you were, gather to me now and we'll see what's to be done."

So his brother came first, and a stroke of the mallet turned him from a pretty servant girl back to himself again. And so it was with lass after lass.

Soon the fellow's arm grew tired of wielding the thing, but he kept at it as long as there was need. The last girl who gathered to him was the king's daughter herself.

"But were you not a lassie born?" he asked her, astonished.

"Yes," says she, "and I sick to death of it. Say no more and mend me now!" And with a stroke of the mallet she was a princess no longer, but a ruddy, handsome lad, strong and tall and smiling. "That's more like!" says she. "Now we're off to my father's castle!"

"Hold," says the lad, for the fairy had given him one last command. "I must destroy the mallet." The newly-minted prince offered his aid, and the two walked out behind the Red Ettin's castle to find a crag, and below the crag gaped a frightful deep hole that had no bottom. "I must throw this down," says the lad to the prince. "After, there's no changing back for you."

"Then make haste and throw it down!" cries the prince, but the lad's foot slipped, and sure if he didn't tap himself on his own silly head before the mallet slipped down down down into the darkness, never to be seen again. The prince caught the lassie's waist to keep her from falling, for now she was loveliness itself: Her foot was small and her form was slender; her eyes were black as pitch and her curly hair was raven dark as well. Her skin was like the lily and the rose, and her mouth was as red as a strawberry.

The two of them dallied in the Red Ettin's garden, gazing at each other with new-found eyes. It was a good long while before they found a reason to let go of each other.

But when they did, they gathered all the company together, and made their way to King Malcolm's castle, where they were received with great joy and even greater surprise.

The old widow was sent for, and she came to live with her eldest son and her youngest daughter. The prince married the girl before king and court, and they all lived happily and well from that day forth.

© 2007 by Kaleigh Way