I am killing myself. I didn't mistype that and I don't think I'm being melodramatic. I am slowly and certainly killing myself and the truth is, I'm not that far away from succeeding. I think I decided sometime that I really have nothing left to live for so why even bother going on. Thing is, life has changed for me, and this time for the better, but my mind and body hasn't gotten the message.
See, I am now over 500 lbs. There are families of 4 that weigh less than me. It's not like I'm delusional and don't think I'm not fat. And it's not like there are things that make it evident outside of it being hard to shop for clothes. Walking up stairs is hard and after one flight I am out of breath, two flights make me want to take a nap. I've broken furniture. Let's not even talk about using the bathroom. And, my feet constantly hurt. Amazingly, I don't have diabetes and all my bloodwork and blood pressure are normal.
And I know what to do to correct it. I was a fucking 2 time national champion in wrestling. And trust me, if there's one thing that wrestlers know it's how to cut weight. I know how to eat right. I know I should avoid mcdonalds every morning (I did pass by this morning, but ate crunch berry cereal at home so I don't know if this is a victory) and when I do go to mcdonalds I order mass quantities. (For instant: Breakfast, 2 sausage biscuits, 2 strawberry and creme pies, a large coffee 8 creams and 8 sugars. Other meals. Large Big Mac value meal, 2 double cheeseburgers, sprite no ice. Sometimes instead of the double cheeseburgers I get 20 piece nuggets).
I can't walk great distances. I can't shop if I'm not leaning on a cart. I can't use the recumbent bike I bought because 1 is broken (spent 400 bucks on a proform and the display doesn't work, proform won't fix it, I used it a total of an hour) and the other one I have to keep my legs at such an angle that it hurts my knees.
I don't even make excuses. What excuse is there for being over 500lbs. I think if I got myself a precur e546 eliptical machine it would help because the stride length is just right, but they are 1000 bucks and I don't know how to finance one. So, one day, all the stories will stop, and you will ask what happened to that girl little katie/ katie leone, hopefully Erin will put it in nice words, but the truth is, it's called morbid obesity for a reason.
The reason for the blog. Outside of indulging in self pity, I'm hoping that by naming the problem honestly it will give me some power over it. I don't need diet tips. I don't need exercise tips. I know what to do. I just wish I would stop and I don't know why I don't. I finally have something to live for and I fear I'll die in my sleep, suffocated by my own flab.
Comments
Calories
Katie Katie Katie, you are eating way to many calories. McDonalds is not healthy, no fast food is healthy, but even living on a fast food diet (I do!) you can watch what you eat. Come on you can do better than that.
I use an iPhone app for MyFitnessPal.Com to watch my calories. You don't need an iPhone to use the site, I just find it easier that way. I did get a surprise when I started it using it because some meals I was eating were way too many calories.
You're far from alone
I've had my own share of weight problems. It's never easy, but you can beat them. That you want to is probably a good start, and having people in your life helping is beyond price. While I'd be happy enough to share what has worked for me, you say you already know what to do, so I'll leave it at that. If you ever want to talk with someone who's been there, feel free.
Best of luck,
Titania
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
all I can give you is my love and support, hon
Yes, you know what to do, but you need help doing it. I will be cheering you on, and if I can do more, just ask.
I had a problem with alcohol
I knew what to do. I was not in a delusional state. Just stop drinking. Right...
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous and worked the program from the beginning. That was almost 12 years ago. A definite program, people to help who really understand what you are going through, and a commitment to work that program.
I am not familiar with Overeaters Anonymous, but you could certainly find like-minded people in that program to talk to. I've found that whatever problem someone is subject to, they need to talk to people who have been there, people who will support them and call them on their "stinking thinking." You don't need some perpetually thin person telling you to just stop eating so much. You need people who can relate to you and tell you when YOUR thinking is off the rails and causing you to eat incorrectly.
When you make a wrong turn in your car, you recognize the problem and correct your travel path. When you continually make the wrong turn despite your best efforts, there's a problem that your own thinking will not fix. Ask for help. And listen. Please.
SuZie
You CAN do it
Katie, you have much to live for. If you quit on yourself think of all of us you will hurt. There's more than enough death in this world, please don't add to it. You are important to many people. Somehow you must find the courage and strength to do what you know needs to be done. Get yourself back into shape. It won't be overnight and it won't be easy, but keep working at it and when you get discouraged remember that you're doing this for you and us. And if you doubt the us part, just look at the responses.
Hugs,
Mark <3
Why...
I can certainly tell you why you're doing this. But coming from me the answer would be ridiculous. Firstly, I only weight 126 pounds when I'm soaking wet and secondly, your commitment to losing weight is not strong enough to pay me for one on one sessions and thirdly, we're probably in different countries.
You need to join OA as has been suggested. If you were strong enough emotionally to lose the weight, you would lose it. But what you are experiencing is no different than someone who has the sickness (what we call alcoholism), or a heroin addiction, or any other type of addition. You can't do it yourself and you can't do it unless you address the underlying psychological causes!!! Over eating is probably the hardest addiction to break. We all need to eat. It's always there. You will need the help of others to break out of the cycle.
Good people acquire horrible diseases...and make no mistake...you have a disease. Talented people are not immune. There is overwhelming evidence that the twelve step programs do work. Go to a meeting. Go to several meetings. Find a group that you think you can be a part of. Work the program. I can guarantee you that if you do, you will succeed in not only losing weight, but regaining your life.
I wish you strength and inner peace...
Kelly
Take care of your self!
First: Take care of your self, we don't want anything to happen to you.
Yes you are killing your self, and You need to stop doing that!
You are going to make a lot of other people really sad.
Second: I'm going to scare you with another possibility. You may not just die, you may end up in a nursing home with somebody else wiping your butt, unable to do anything for your self, don't let this happen if you can avoid it, it is not a fun way to live.
Personal note: I was on my way to eating my self to death too. I have lost over 100 lbs over the last year and a half or so, I feel much better now, get around better and have more energy. Previously two flights of stairs was killing me too. I felt I was drowning in my own body. I had only reached a bit over 300 lbs but I was going where you are going.
I Know you said you don't need tips, But maybe my personal experience and what worked for me will help.
Most advice is way too complex, you need to take it more simple. And your right you need to just do it.
Don't think of it as a "Don't List" but as a "Do List", yes you need to avoid bad stuff, but approach it as
"Do Eat Something Healthy" rather then "Deny Your Self Something" You will surprise your self and find you like the healthier stuff. And "DO Exercise" Nothing fancy you already have feet just move a bit. walking is free.
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So your not diabetic? I still recommend the diabetic diet, it is more flexible then regular diets, you stay with in the guidelines but choose what you like. It is a simple system with endless possibilities. You can look up all the information online in multiple locations. If you are not diabetic yet, you will be if you stay so heavy.
Where to start: Eat less of course that goes without saying, but.... Make healthier choices More fruits and vegetables, less fat and junk, less sugar.
And then: Cook, prepare fresh veggies and fruit not packaged stuff, this helps in two ways (at least 2 ways). Prepackaged pre-prepped has more sugar fat and other additives in it to make it less healthy. Making your meals gets you more involved in what your eating, rather then wolfing down fast food, You need to think about it, plan it, and take time making it. Also take time when you shop, read labels, look for healthier choices. Take time to enjoy what you are eating, We(today's society) tend to inhale our food, rather then slowly savor it. This all adds up -> change you whole approach to food. You may find you actually enjoy eating more when you start eating right.
Also: Get out, go for a walk regularly, take you time, start small (it can be very small) at your own pace and work you way up. There is nothing to measure against except your own progress. Try to work up to making it daily if you can. A even a little bit of exercise will raise you metabolism a bit for the day. Walking is free, you can do it a little bit a a time.
The way I started: I would Walk for local errands when ever I could. When I needed to go to a local shop if it was north I would head south and loop around my block first. If I had two errands to run I would do the separately, go out and do one early go home, take a small break then go out and do the second. When I had a more distant errand I would walk down to the next bus stop rather then get on at the one right by my house, and get off one early on the other end, and do the same coming back.
You need to Decide you want to stick around and live and have a life. It sounds like you are already handicapped by you weight, I know I was.
Also: Look around, this not uncommon half our society is eating it self to death, some a bit slower then others but still steadily doing so. It is an epidemic.
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Please take care of your self. We don't want to have to wonder what ever to that girl little katie/ katie leone.
We care.
*hugs*
~Hypatia >i< ..:::
I too am morbidly obese! I
know the health problems that plague you. But Jesus has been there for me and brought me back from death when my body could not handle the water weight gain. Now, I am taking eight prescriptions and see a physician to keep my imperfect body going. By the way, He has also Blessed me in that I am Diabetes free while I have a Family history of diabetes.
May Your Light Forever Shine
Habits
It's not so much breaking old habits, it's developing new ones. I'd imagine that immediately cutting down to consuming less calories than you use in a day would be an extremely difficult habit to pick up, as you'd inevitably feel hungry most of the time - which of course would almost invariably lead to snacking on unhealthy stuff.
Protein is apparently the main dietary component that contributes to the stomach feeling sated, so if you can find an alternative source of protein that's tasty (duh! You're hardly likely to pick up a new eating habit if the replacement food tastes bland and uninteresting!) but has considerably less energy, that's a start. See if you notice much difference with going down to, say, 6 creams and sugars in your coffee; or perhaps ordering a single cheeseburger rather than a pair. If you can keep that up for a few weeks, try another reduction.
Of course, this method won't result in instant weight loss, but should initially reduce the rate of gain, while being easier to adhere to than diets.
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Losing weight
Hi Katie, you know the solutions girl, two things, PUT DOWN THE FORK ... GET OFF THE SOFA. Sorry I can't say much more than that.
Beverly. xx