I have to admit, I can't figure life out. I've tried, and every time that I think I know something life sneaks behind me, kicks me in the seat of my skirt and runs away laughing maniacally.

I pretty much figured how my life was going to go. I was going to be miserable, go day to day hoping I stayed one step ahead of my bills, and eventually die alone. I accepted that fact and was okay with it (so why am I crying right now?)

Then something happened. I didn't expect it to happen, I actually figured it would never happen. It started with a lie. Funny that something life changing would start with a lie, the movies tell you it doesn't work out that way. I told someone that a pretty good counseling session went badly. I still don't know why I said that. But the truth wasn't that counseling went bad, but life. Then I told the truth. Then I said I wasn't a guy at all. And that small pebble that I nudge with my boot rolled down the mountain and became an avalanche.

So I was out. I didn't think much would be different other than a better wardrobe and a little self satisfaction. I was still unloved and destined to die alone. It seems life decided to forgive me for whatever insult I hurled its way a long time ago and became my friend.

I wasn't planning on getting into a relationship. I'm too fat, too ugly, too much like me (ask the people who have me on their ignore list). Sure, online I can be quite charming and if I was lucky I could fall into some meaningless one night stands with people from Craigslist who have a weird fat tranny fetish, but not love, not a real relationship built on something. The one thing that I thought was furthest from being possible was for me to fall for another transsexual, especially an f2m.

But, that is what happened. His name is Felix and, get this, he loves me. I mean love for real. Me, the unlovable one, the one who's own mother did everything in her power to show how worthless I truly am (I'm crying again).

The odd thing is, I love him back.

I never really been in love before. I've been infatuated with others. I've been in love with the idea of being in love. But, I've never loved another person before. Maybe because I was never really me around them, living a facade that I wasn't and hoping I wouldn't be figured out was exhausting enough. Never before in my life has a person put a smile on my face just by being near me. I'm not use to being the giddy school girl, but I can't help myself.

Last night Felix came over. We had one of my dream dates (Still waiting for walking hand and hand down a beach in the moonlight). We went to dinner. Was kind of noisy, but it didn't matter. I was with him. That wasn't the perfect part. We went back to my place (get your mind out of the gutter).

The couch is a wonderful place, I should tell you. That's where we spent hours. At first I put on some music, because I really wanted him to hear "In my life" from the original Broadway soundtrack of les miserables. It wasn't a random choice. Every time I'm around him, that song starts playing in my head. If you know the story of les mis, I thought I was destined to be eponine, but no longer.

After the two songs (I played the next one, A heart full of love) I shut everything down. I spent the night in his arms. We talked, we laughed. He gave me soft kisses on my lips, on my forehead, on my hands. How could that not be perfect?

Here is the thing with Felix. He actually loves me. Do you know how foreign that is to me. He is taking things slow. Of course there is a part of me that wants to fall into carnality, but he is teaching me I have worth and value. He knows my past, even the abuse. He doesn't want me to feel cheap. He wants it to be special. For the first time in my life I am building a relationship to last and I'm not scared.

I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to call up my mother and say "Fuck you bitch, you failed, I found happiness." I don't know why I am crying right now. It is okay that I do, but I think I've finally found home.