Familiar Regrets...
Just a note about the story. I wrote it as a way of connecting with a few folks here with whom I have exchanged correspondence. They, as many of us do, are frustrated to the point of tears over things in our lives which could best be described as impeding our desire to be who we are. Family members or friends or co-workers who neglect or ignore or tease or insult us as we try to step out of those boxes to which we were born or even entered voluntarily.
In the midst of that, folks describe being sad and even depressed. I struggle with that on a daily basis and I know I'm not alone. All of those who commented on the story and even a very great deal of those who didn't comment do understand; that commonality that is all too sad for something shared that says I know how you feel. Each comment came to me from a place of love and understanding; from the heart, and I am supremely grateful.
What remains frustrating is that some folks still don't understand; that we who fear to risk everything or even more so, those of us who have and have lost all; our pain cannot be set aside by relaxing or taking it easy. We can't just let go of the pain, as one often suggests. And while I appreciate the acceptance I have here, I know I'm not alone at all in feeling heartbroken over the acceptance I have yet to receive; knowing we have family here helps but only so much to assuage the sad pain we so often feel.
Talking with someone and learning that they no longer have a family. Finding out about the broken relationship between a friend and her wife? It's odd to talk about it in that manner, but like in our stories, we are the women (and men) we understand ourselves to be. Not choosing to BE but choosing to present, since we already are. That difference between Sexual Reassignment Surgery and the more accurate Gender RECOGNITION Surgery.
From my perspective, there isn't a single person here or elsewhere for that matter who is post operative that chose to CHANGE their gender; they brought their bodies into alignment with their heart and soul. My friends have been accused of tearing their families apart when all they wanted was to be recognized and loved for who they are.
Heartfelt expressions should always be greeted with heartfelt understanding, and that's what I tried to accomplish in the story today. All that to say, I know virtually all of you understand how I feel; many of you feel exactly as I do because we feel stuck between two worlds. My sole intent was to share that commonality, and if I've left any other impression, I apologize. It's hard to write as I did without hugely preaching to a knowing and caring choir, I suppose, but it was something I felt some here needed to hear. That feeling that we all come to even treasure that reminds us that we are not alone. Thanks for understanding.
Comments
I wept at the story hon
I knew full well the pain that was behind it, and all I could do is weep over that pain. As I said in my comment, what worked for me may not work for you, and all I can offer is my prayers and virtual hugs.
Actually...
I use the term 'gender confirmation surgery', as it says all I need it to. I was, in many ways, very lucky. I have friends who understood and supported, and employers who have a very, very clear policy of tolerance and respect.
That said, why the hell should anyone, ever, have to seek 'tolerance'?
I have read much of your works.
And I agree 100% with that you have shared in this blog and within your story pages. I am very deep and great understanding with the term Gender Recognition Surgery [GRS]. It is so clear that is what you, myself and the rest of our community seek. That is simply our gender as from our perspective not any one else. GRS is the acceptance that you know who you are, SRS is still coming from the view point of we think you are wrong but we will reassign you any way.
I have never seen a family spontaneously come apart by a single person declaring there truth of who they are. It is the hot heads and I am Boss people of the family doing there dirt tearing it apart in retribution for your honesty and personal integrity saying this is me like it our not. They the Bullies or bosses scream no I will tell you who you are and that will be what I like you the person do not count and have no say in who you are.
Thank you for being one of our champions who remind us it is us alone who know who we are. Thank you very much.
In love and appreciation
Michele
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book
From Blue to Pink
Like so many things in life, there are no absolutes, especally when it comes to gender. I know this: I would have been far happier in many ways had I been female. I do not despise things male; however, I know inside that there's a girl wanting to get out. I can live with the way I am, fortunately. I know for some that is literally not possible - so tragic. One has to weigh the alternatives. Circumstances sometimes make transition, as desireable as it is, unattainable. Family responsibility comes very high on the list of circumstances. I have a feeling that some feel that those who do not transition or come out are traitors to the 'cause'. Frankly, I believe, the only 'cause' is to make it possible for all gender varient individuals to be fairly treated and recognized in society. Some day this may happen so that recognizing one's gender orientation is not a source of perpetual guilt. There is no Wizard who can change the past to fit ones true gender. The past is inviolate.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were allowed to express our gender(s) from the beginning, that we were not forced into gender roles based on our apparent sex. For those whose gender was not reflected by their sex, a gentle program could be initiated that had specific milestones to evaluate the proper direction a transition (if any) would/could take. There are probably hundreds if not thousands of variations. The danger in this of course is in the fallibility of diagnosis. We know that diagnoses can often be wrong.
So, here I am. I have responsibilities to others. I will not abandon them. I am close to total retirement, and could actually afford GRS; however it will never happen. There's far too much water under the bridge. This 70+ body has no desire to go through another surgery. The last straw was cancer of the prostate that has left me urinary incontinent. That botched surgery was followed by two others in one week. The recovery took eight months, and is not even close to total. The thought of any further genital/urinary surgery is out of the question, unless it's a medical necessity. Regardless of what was done, I'd still be incontinent.
Hopefully, this site might help give someone the courage to continue to their proper destination. I hope that I will always present the positive side of transitioning whether it be in what I write or how I interact with society in general. Whether or not there is an afterlife is moot. If there is, and one is able to return, I hope that I can come back the way I think I want to be.
It remains to be seen.
Portia
Choice to transition
I agree with you Portia. I believe that we have to choose to transition based upon our individual circumstances. I know my original goal was just to make the pain of being male stop. I did not even know that I was transgender back then. Only that being male was killing me. It almost did. If not for waking up as Cassie after a three day coma, I would not have had the courage to make it this far.
I think it takes more courage to live life according to your principles no matter what that means. And for some it means not transitioning. The challenge is to know inside that it is okay to decide not to transition.
Bright Blessings,
Cassie Ellen