(that's an awful title, but I have no better ideas)

I've been lurking around BC for a while now, two years, sixteen weeks if my profile is to be believed, but I know I was around long before that. I'm finally delurking to say thank you to all the authors. You are all tallented, and I find lots of great material every time I start looking. I also figured this blog might be a good place to get some thoughts out of my head, and maybe find some answers.

The title pretty much says it all. My biggest struggle with my gender identity is figuring out how/if I can blend in as a woman, when I can't see to emulate behavior and figure out if my face/body is doing the right thing. Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I'm completely confident in my blindness, I don't think there's much that it will stop me from doing, however, there are things that are more challenging, and altering my gender presentation to fit my typical mood is one of them. I say typical mood, because I generally feel like presenting as a woman, but I'm not convinced I want to have GRS, for a couple different reasons. I dont feel the overwhelming need to get rid of my male parts, because I don't exactly hate them, but inside, I feel like my brain and my heart are more aligned with femality (okay, I may have made up a word there). So, I'm kind of stuck somewhere in the middle, trying to figure out who I am.

I'll give you an example. I've got long hair; it falls a little past my shoulders. if I'm with a group of my friends, I frequently get included as one of 'you ladies'. I've even been called 'young lady' by a casheer, but that usually only lasts until someone takes a second look, and I don't know what it is that makes hem think 'girl' at first, and then realize they might have been wrong. Except for the girl at subway today, so I guess I got something right.

See, I'm definitely not trying to pass yet, mostly because I need to figure out exactly what I have to do to make that happen successfully. Though, it's kind of nice when it accidentally happens; makes me think it might not be entirely impossible. I'm sure step one is actually wearing my breast forms, but I don't really want to go that far until I know if I can pull off the face, you know? I don't exactly live in the land of progression and do-what-you-want, so I'm pretty sure going out and looking like a guy in a dress isn't the way I want to go.

One of the things I told the therapist I talked to last year was that one of the reasons I hadn't gone out dressed yet was because I felt like I was already recognizable/attention drawing as a blind person; I wasn't sure I was ready to add transgendered on top of it. But, I'm not sure that's still the case. I don't have a lot of male friends, I've never really fit in with a whole lot of them. We click on the geeky parts, but in other ways i find myself staring, and asking, "why do they do [x]?" it's been that way all my life. And, I like the way women's clothes feel and fit (there's more, but this is a blog post, you didn't sign up to read a novel). So, I'd like to figure out how to present as a woman. All my friends that know about Rachel (including my girlfriend) are blind too, so they're only so much help :). In fact, they end up asking me for the fashion help. Some of my family knows, but my aunt, who is totally awesome, is helping her youngest child transition into the girl she wants to be, and my Mom... let's just say there was much quoting of Leviticus when I told her.

I know it isn't any different than any other blind girl learning to do her hair or makeup for the first time. I'm just not sure who to ask to teach me to do mine. SO, anyone know a fairy godmother who would like to help a girl figure out how to pass? It won't take much, just a little coaching on looks, and making sure she walks, sits, eats, acts... okay, I lied, it's a little more than not much. :) i'm sure it's not hopeless, I just need to figure out what the right first move is (clearly, I need to be better at chess).

I had a much better post written than this, but unfortunately it was in Notepad, unsaved, and Rory (my lovely little laptop) accidentally ate it for lunch so you've got the pieces I was able to pull out of my brain. Thanks for reading my thoughts. I'd love to hear any ideas you might have. I look forward to getting to know you all better, now that I'm finally willing to contribute my voice to your discussions, instead of being too afraid that everyone will look at me like, "whats with the geek girl?" :)