I really don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I knew, really I did. It's the fact that I know who I am, I know what I am, but still I hide it from the world and even from myself.
I don't know exactly when I realized I was female. I hear stories of people who said they knew all their life or from an extremely young age. I find that hard to comprehend, mainly because when I was three or four I didn't even know what gender was. Oh, sure, I knew that there were boys and there were girls, but if you would have asked me how they were different I would have said something about the length of their hair. Maybe that's why I didn't realize my body had the wrong equipment, I didn't know there were two types of faucets. I didn't even know about the clothes, mainly because I played with my cousin Jennifer and all she ever wore were jeans and such, the exact same as me.
But I do remember this (and all of a sudden this is becoming a long blog), when I was young, I'd say between the ages of 4 up to the point when my mother kidnapped me I use to pretend I was a girl when I went to sleep. Seems kind of silly, but I would ball up into the fetal position and pretend I got to do life over as a girl. Perhaps that's why early on my stories featured age regression type things. But it is 30 years later and I am still dreaming.
The real me is in here somewhere. I have a vision of her and an essence of her being. But after being hurt so many times and in so many ways, I keep her locked away where she could be safe, under a layer of fat and a facade of uncaring machismo. I want to get out, I want to be free, yet still I wait. And now I wonder exactly what it is I am waiting for.
I decided that the keys to all this must be in my writing. You would be surprised of the psychological profiles I can build of people from dissecting their writing for clues, but I decided to turn that magnifying glass upon myself. I find that my stories, my characters don't grow until they are accepted for what they are. The latest story proves that, but it's in all of them. Is it that I am waiting for someone to love me enough where I can finally show my true self? That is a scary proposition because I don't believe that I can be loved. So I am doomed to be forever locked away inside my shell.
I want to get out. I want to taste life outside of the barricade. In order to keep myself safe I have built a sturdy wall to protect me from my enemies, only to find out that in reality I have built my own prison. I am waiting for people to accept the real me without giving them a glimpse or a hint that there is something more to this shell. I am waiting, but I fear I may have waited too long or that my defenses have grown so strong that not even I can counter them.
I live a lonely life, because I don't live at all. Have I made Katie still born, or could a rebirth be right around the corner if I could only muster up enough courage to be me. Who knows? Do you?
Comments
Courage.
I have had many high stress high danger occupations, I've been on the verge of death more than a few times. I never had problems with this, never. Why? Because the biggest fear I had was that someone would see her and know. I've been praised for bravery, but I always thought I was a coward. Only now am I facing these feelings and realizing that I am not a coward or a liar or a fraud. I have wasted time, but I will move forward at my pace at my discretion. I will do little things for now things no one will notice things to prepare for the day I can live. After all progress is progress no matter how slow. Its different for everyone your experience will be different but my thought was if I don't proceed in some way it would kill me. So I guess ask yourself when do I start living one day you will have your answer, and you will move on. I am still writing my story I don't know the end but I will get there someday. Love, Jenn.
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
So often...
...maybe every day, I ask myself what cowardice prevents me from moving. Your kind encouragement to Katie helps me as well. I'm not a coward, though I feel afraid every day. But as you say, all progress, however slow, is progress. Thank you.
Love, Andrea Lena
Hiding in the herd
The one truth that I have heard many times and believe, “You have to learn to love yourself if you want to find loveâ€.
It is interesting on how many TS over compensate the male image to hide who they really are. I used to cliff climb free style, no safety equipment. I disarmed explosives in the military. I raced motorcycles. Similar to what Jenn said, I almost killed myself a dozen times. Looking back I often wondered if I had a death wish. As in my stories, I have an aversion to suicide. Now I am working trying to live forty more years.
Something I discovered, acceptance is hard when you surround yourself with people who cannot accept you. I guess a part of hiding is becoming one of the herd. If you pick a new herd you can change how you present yourself. Start surrounding yourself with people who would accept you. Some people will never accept you. We all have to learn to live with that fact, even when it is family.
Robin
RobinDiaz
Oddly enough, and in direct opposition,
to many Trans people's stories, mine is what I consider atypical. i had a great childhood/teenage life.
I wasn't bullied... much, and I enjoyed all the "manly sports" things I did with my friends. I never really wanted for a different life, yet I always knew there was something, someone else inside me.
I dressed, in private, but never ventured out into the pubic eye en femme until I was in the Military, in Germany, for Fasching(sp?). That was really the first time I realized that the "other me" was female and wanted OUT!
I didn't act on it then. It took me until I was on the verge of clinical depression with severe stress reactions to finally realize that I HAD to address the problem. Thing is, I waited too long.
I was 55 before I finally admitted and accepted that Cathy was the real me. I sought therapy and found some really good therapists who helped me adjust and helped me get hormones and other treatment. I had a shrink... I will not honor her with the title psychiatrist... who was, herself, intersexed and had transitioned. She was, however much too impressed with herself and had no time for me. She actually hung the label "autogynephile" on me and said, "I don't think you really are a Transsexual, but if you want to play genderfuck, I'll keep you on the hormones."
I promptly told her what I thought of her AND her diagnosis, informing her that she could take both and insert them where the sun don't shine, stomped out of her office and refused to see her again.
Oddly enough, I got the most help from the V.A! Therapy, hormones, blockers, the works, all paid for BY the V.A. because I served 8 years in the Air Force. Because my finances were so low, I had no co-pay either.
My point in all of this is: I WISH, with all my heart, that I had mustered the bravery to face my transsexuality MUCH sooner. Because of my advanced age when I started hormones, there was, and has been, very little change physically. Disappointing? Of course, but I've learned to accept what I can get and I live fulltime as a female.
I don't think I pass well, but somehow it doesn't seem to matter a great deal. Most of the fears I had about going full time were in my head. once I accepted that I was, in fact, female, I jumped in with both feet into the deep end of the pool. I accepted that I'd lose friends, family, etc, but surprisingly, most of my friends stuck with me, and most of my family as well to one extent or another. I began my transition on the job, along with an hour live radio interview in conjunction to my book signing, the loss of my Mother, and having to have my cat put down. I was accepted with nary a ripple of concern on the part of my employer.
I really believe that most of the fears we have about transitioning are in our heads. Certainly there have been and will be, cases where one loses everything and is bullied/picked on. discriminated against, but I wasn't... and am not.
The biggest thing was, I had reached that point where it was either transition, or suicide. Compared to suicide, transitioning was a no brainer. I went from fully closeted to full time in the space of one weekend when I finally decided to do it.
Again, I think I must admit that my transition was atypical and your mileage will undoubtedly vary, but when you reach that point, you have to muster everything that is in you and use it to push yourself, REGARDLESS of the possible losses.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you make the right decision for yourself. The one thing you CAN'T do is keep on denying who and what you truly are. That way lies thoughts of suicide and you can NOT go there!
Huggles and Happy Holidays to you and yours,
Catherine Linda Michel
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
I understand
I understand where you are at as I was very depressed last year and was trying to accept that I am in the wrong body and was very close to suicide. The therapist that I started seeing asked me a lot of questions and it was so hard to tell her what I felt I should have been born female. I thought my family would be unable to understand why I feel the way I do but they are all supportive of my decision as my mother said that no matter what I am her child.
It has cost me a marriage as she couldn't understand what I hid from even myself for 32 yrs and was reading one of your stories and someone left a comment that made me accept the truth. I now look back over all the years and see times in my memories when I remember be dressed up and feeling that this is how I should be but something happened to make me to suppress these memories. I wish I could remember who it was that used to help me get dressed up in skirts and did my makeup and hair but for now I will be happy with the changes that I am dealing with and am happy to see them. I still have to hide my true self are work but with being on hrt and developing I feel that sometime soon I won't be able to hide my breasts and someone will say something about it. For now I just have to wait and see what happens
Thanks for writing
Randi
Randi
K.T.
you are a girl as far as I am concerned.
May Your Light Forever Shine
there are no cowards here
If you have come this far, then you are still ahead of the curve. We all begin our physical transition when the time works for us. I am a firm believer that if you keep putting something off, there are unresolved things that you are are dealing with that are more important. Most people are unaware of what those things are, so they discount themselves as failures because they cannot follow through with the bigger issues. Figure out what your smaller issues are and give yourself credit for dealing with them.
Seriously, going on HRT is a big game changer. There are real physical and psychological changes that happen. For instance, you can only cover up breast growth for so long. Then it must be dealt with. So if taking that step will cause conflict with your family, or possibly cause you to lose your job, then that is a good reason to put it off.
I actually had my pills for a week before I found the courage to start taking them. Being pagan, I used the moon phases to help me get started so I began on a new moon. Silly excuse, but it worked for me. And I did not think I had anything to lose at that point. I was just going to see if they helped and stop them if not. ~giggle~ Of course, after the first two weeks, I was hooked.
You do not have to change your life around all at once either. There is no way I can afford more than a few girl things each month so I am doing it slowly. But that really does not show my true transition. It is my self attitude as a female that does the trick. Now, even when I go out dressed in full boy mode, I still get gendered as female.
Is there hope for little Katie. OMG YES!!! Let her out to play. If no place else than here. Speak in her voice. And Listen to her because she will tell you what she needs. And sometimes, she will even surprise you.
Learn to be a good parent to her. You have an extraordinary ability do do what no one else can. You can be the parent that you always wished you had. Give her lots of hugs and encouragement. Never put her down, ever! And love her with all your heart. If you do those things, then you will find your path through transition, because it is one out of love for little Katie.
Even with a positive attitude about it, I am not finding transitioning easy. To transition means to change, and all change requires loss. There will be sadness and grieving as you leave behind parts of your life. Some of those parts may be family, some are assumptions you have held close for so many years and tortured yourself with, and others may be being a victim. Those kind of changes tend to upset people around us who have come to depend upon us remaining who we were. They hate us asserting ourselves as fully developed people. And . . . it is their problem.
I will be here as much as I can for all my sisters, as I know y'all are there for me. I am by no means a therapist. hehehe Though my 20+ years of therapy have given me a lot of experience.
Hugs and Kisses
Cassie Ellen