What I said to my husband… And what I couldn’t say.

What I said to him as he lay there, going in and out of consciousness, on a ventilator and a feeding tube was “ I love you baby, I know you can’t talk… They say you’re doing better…” he tried to speak… I could tell he was saying “I love you too”. He made sure I understood by repeating it…

What I wanted to say was “You have been the light of my life since we met, and before we met my world was dark, without anything but the faintest glimmer of hope. That glimmer grew into the blinding brilliance of love, passionate and ugly and beautiful as a hurricane(And as scary as the hurricane we did survive later that year, Hugo). We’ve lived and loved and shared our desires, our joys, our sorrows, our hatreds and our grief for almost 24 years now. We’ve even managed to weather my transition after the first 20 years and I didn’t think you’d do that. I’m sorry I didn’t see you for the truly honest and loving man you are for so long. I’m terrified I’m going to lose you, that I will be without your love… You are the center of my world… Please don’t die…”

Of course I couldn’t say any of that. In fact I did actually say all of that and he said similar things to me the night before his surgery when we held each other and cried for hours…

Its never enough…

Right now he’s in the cardiac ICU at one of the best hospitals in the world for what’s apparently going on. They don’t have a clue what it is… He’s better since they put him on the ventilator. That took the load of breathing off of him because that was on the verge of becoming an issue and allowed them to get in there, take a look around, do some lavage and take samples for culture. The feeding tube is a good thing, he hadn’t really been eating since surgery. I’m confident he’s in just about the best possible place to get the care he needs. I’m also fully aware that all that might mean absolutely nothing.

For now, stiff upper lip and soldier on.

Abby