Synopsis:

One slightly geeky high school kid, one heartless corporation, and one vat of pink goo. A recipe for the ultimate superhero... sorta. After her dramatic transformation, our intrepid heroine must now do battle on the field of...battle. Will she survive the onslaught? Or will there be an unnecessary cliffhanger?

Story:

Max was excited. Very, very excited. It was almost time for her very first field test run. After all the stupid shit she had been through, she could finally get to the fun part of having superpowers: running around the city at night, beating up people.

She took one last look at herself in the mirror. It was the same mirror she had first seen herself in all those days ago. She had certainly come a long way from the scared girl wearing nothing but a hospital gown staring disbelievingly at the mirror. Now she was a scared girl wearing the lamest costume ever staring disbelievingly at the mirror.

Max didn’t much care for her outfit. Dr. Steve promised he would get a new one designed for her later, but she was pretty sure he was full of shit. The costume consisted of a tight pink lycra catsuit that didn’t leave much to the imagination with a slightly darker set of pink gloves and boots. Emblazoned on the left breast was the Zerotech logo, a stylized zero with a slash through it. The ensemble was topped off by one of those masks that just go around the eyes and don’t really conceal anything, but people still use for some reason. It was pink, too There had been much fighting over the color of the suit, but Steve had said it had been decided by their corporate overlords and there was nothing Max could do about it. Max still thought he was full of shit.

Her mind briefly began to wander to all she had been through to get to this point. First she’d had an “interview” with the previously mentioned corporate overlords. She still hadn’t figured out what all had gone on at that meeting, but was pretty sure that they were going to pay her to be a superhero in exchange for her soul and the soul of all her descendents until the end of time. Maybe she was exaggerating, but she was pretty sure that she saw a clause in her contract about them optioning the rights for virgin sacrifice.

Then there had been the tests. There had been a lot of them. A whole lot. The Vigilante Protection Act of 1978 required that every aspiring hero provide documentation that they actually had a superpower or a special skill before they could be registered in The Directory. The act had been passed in the wake of public outcry after it was revealed after the brutal deaths of the Lotion Lads that the only thing extraordinary about them was their diligence to moisturization.

Not being listed in The Directory did not prevent one from being a superhero, but it did prevent one from enjoying the perks. Superheroes who weren’t listed weren’t allowed into most super groups, were distrusted by the public, and, worst of all, couldn’t score an endorsement deal to save their life. It only really worked for your dark, brooding types who worked alone and already had enough money to finance their own set of collectable plush dolls.

Since Zerotech was not willing to finance such a thing, Max had been forced to undergo a strict battery of tests. She ran on treadmill to test her to test her speed, she lifted weights to test her strength, and she dodged hammers being thrown at her to test her agility. The test results were conclusive: She was as fast as Flo-Jo, stronger than the average bear, and more agile than a thousand construction workers, which is not much agility taken individually, but quite a lot added when together like that.

Dr. Steve also said he also detected something else within her that hadn’t manifested yet, but Max thought the science behind his “Superpower Super-detection Station” was a bit questionable.

After being certified as actually having powers beyond mortal men, the suits had insisted that she call her mom, even though she was 18 and could technically make her own decisions. She could have called home at any time, but she hadn’t really wanted her mom to know she was, well, a she. As far as she knew, he had been put in a coma by the chemicals and was recuperating in the company infirmary, free of charge. This explanation didn’t make much sense, but the “free of charge” part was music to Max’s mom’s ears. Max was sure that telling her what had really happened would be the most uncomfortable moment in his entire life.

She was right. Dead right.

To further explain what had happened. She decided to have an impromptu flashback, complete with wavy line transition sequence.

***

“Where’s my son?! What did you idiots do to him?” shouted Max’s mom as she stormed into the R&D lab‘s infirmary. Steve had picked her up in the corporate Pinto and chauffeured her down to the Zerotech office building. He neglected to tell her that Max’s…condition was worse than she had been originally told until right before they entered the building, hence her anger.

“Uhm, hi mom,” said Max, sitting on two hospital beds she had pushed together. Since no one else was ever in the infirmary, she had converted into a sort of pseudo-bedroom. She was reading a series of pamphlets that Zerotech gave to all potential employees. Some were on things like employee benefits and retirement stuff, but some were more serious and oddly specific. They had titles like So You Now Have Two and a Half Sets of Genitalia and Tentacle Monsters: Orifices to Look Out For. His favorite, though, was What To Do When it Turns Out You’re Your Own Clone: A Freudian Approach.

Max‘s mom stopped in her tracks. That hadn‘t told her the details of what had happened. “Maxwell? Is that you?”

Max slowly nodded. “Yeah…It’s a long story. You should probably ask Steve. The way he tells it, it almost sorta makes sense.”

And so, Dr. Steve regaled Max’s mom with the tale of Max’s adventures with Femaroid. She was not particularly amused by it. Especially the bit about the extra body parts. She actually liked gingko biloba.

WARNING!!! RED ALERT!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! FAKEY SENTIMENTAL BULLSHIT AHEAD!!!

“Oh my god, Max,” exclaimed Max’s mom. Tears began to spill down her cheeks. She grabbed her former son and held him in a tight embrace. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Mom,” said Max. Tears were forming in the corners of her eyes now. She hadn’t hugged her Mom like this in years. It felt good. “We can get through this.”

Steve looked on with a sagacious smile. He wondered if it was wrong to hope that a mother and her recently feminized son would start to make out. He guessed it was, but you could never be certain with things like this.

After this touching moment, things began to get a bit…awkward.

Max’s mom pulled away and reached for a handkerchief in her purse. “Look at me, crying like this. I’m probably embarrassing you in front of your creepy friend/boss,” she said as she dabbed away at her tears with the handkerchief.

“It’s okay, Mom,” said Max. She wiped her nose with her hand. “I guess the stupid female hormones are getting to me.”

Max‘s mom finally cracked a smile. “I guess so, dear. It‘s amazing, really. You look just like I looked when I was that age. Just like me…” Max could swear that he saw his mom’s eyes narrow. “Only prettier…”

FALSE SENTIMENTALITY RISK OVER. RETURN TO YOUR HOMES. MORE PUERILE HUMOR AND JOKES THAT AREN’T REALLY FUNNY AHEAD.

Max blinked. “What?”

“Yeah…Just like me. Only prettier. And younger…”

Max wasn‘t liking the direction the conversation was going. “I wouldn’t say that. The prettier thing, I mean. You are older.”

Max’s mom raised an eyebrow. “So I’m old now? Well, I’m sorry. Not all of us have gallons and gallons of steroids to keep us young and beautiful. Let’s see how good that trim little body of yours looks after you’ve had your first kid, missy.”

Max blanched at the very thought of having a child. “Uhm, I don’t really like the way this is going. Can we change the subject?”

Max‘s mom pointed a finger in her face. “Oh, so you think you’re in charge now that you’re such a hot young thing. I’ll say this once, little missy. As long as you live under my roof, you follow my rules.”

Max shook her head. “That’s not what I meant. I was just thinking that-”

Max’s mom cut her off. “That’s the problem. You weren’t thinking. You strut around here in your tight little clothes, like a common trollop. You think its so cute, don’t you. The boys must love you.”

Mac blinked and looked down at herself. “I’m wearing a hospital gown!”

“I can’t pay for clothes like that! I’m not made of money!” Max’s mom shouted back.

“It hasn’t been washed in, like, two weeks!”

“Pregnant?! You’re only a baby yourself! Don’t tell me that slow Henderson boy did this! I can‘t raise another baby! I‘ve got to get married to the Prince of Monaco next week, then collect my lottery winnings!”

“Okay. Now you’re just making stuff up,” sad Max.

Max’s mom shrugged. “Sorry. I kinda got on a roll there. I’ve got all these great parenting speeches worked out that I never get to use…Until now.” She smiled broadly and embraced Max once again.

“That’s, umm, great, Mom,” said Max. Something about the way her mother had said that worried her.

“Speaking of which, there is one talk every mother needs to have with her daughter, or son, when she blossoms into womanhood.”

“Goodnight everybody!” said Dr. Steve, waving. “I’ll see you…later.”

He promptly ran away with the speed and grace of a decapitated chicken. Then Max’s mom preceded to tell her of things that she had never thought could exist. Horrors beyond all imagination that happened on a daily basis. Things that would chill the heart of even the warmest-hearted man, and then re-warm it, so that it burned at the man’s very soul. Max realized that she lived in a much darker world than she could’ve possibly imagined. Far darker than the darkest…dark thing. Frank Miller dark.

After properly scarring Max for life, Max’s mom left her. They weren’t going to tell her about the superhero bit just yet. Or ever if Max had her way. As far as she would know, Max was going to spend some more time recuperating, then become so enamored with the place that she would take a part-time job there. A part time job with very good pay. It wasn’t a particularly good explanation, but again the lure of money was enough for Max’s mom.

And then there were some more wavy lines.

***

“You ready, Princess?”

Max’s flashback sequence was cut short by the arrival of her boss/hated nemesis, Dr. Steve.

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me that?” asked Max, glaring at her erstwhile mentor.

“But I had a good reason that time,” protested the doctor. “See, you were staring off into space, like you were asleep. Like you were Sleeping Beauty. See where I’m going here?”

Max tightened her glare. “You always have a reason like that. That’s almost as bad as your explanation for calling me…that name during the swim test.”

“What? You were in the water. Like a mermaid. Like a certain mermaid from a certain movie who happened to be a princess…Get it?”

Max sighed. “I hate you, dude.”

Dr. Steve nodded. “I know. But we have more important things to deal with tonight. To the Batcave!”

Max brightened a little. “We have a Batcave?”

“Well, not really, but we have something almost as good.”

“What?”

“To the Accounting Floor!” shouted Steve.

“Seriously, dude. Hate,” Max deadpanned.

***

As Max and Steve walked out of the elevator onto the accounting floor, Max discovered it really did hold two devices important to Max’s quest. A sophisticated launching bay installed under the floor and a vending machine that had both regular and peanut M&Ms.

“Why exactly do I need a launching bay and a vending machine that has two types of M&Ms?” asked Max as they arrived. Steve had told her about it in the elevator.

“Well, sometimes you might be in the mood for some sweet, delicious chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hand. But other times, you might want something added to it to make it a little more filling and change to flavor a little. By consolidating both in a single machine, you reach the height of convenience. If only we could get the crispy ones, too. Now that would be unbelievable.”

Max sighed again. She was starting to get sick of it. Her sighing muscles were getting exhausted from all the exasperation she had been experiencing recently. “You really have no clue how to tell what part of a question is important and what isn’t, do you?”

Steve shrugged. “Meh. It comes and goes.”

“What does that even mean?!”

“It means, Princess,” began Max, “That I have something very special for you.”

“This better not be like when you had something special to show me when I was in the bathroom that time.”

“I’m telling you. You’re eighteen. I’m twenty-two. It’s totally cool. I looked it up,” said Steve.

“Just show me what you were talking about,” said Max, beginning to grow impatient.

Steve grinned devilishly and his eyes darted downwards for a moment.. “Well…”

“The thing you were talking about just now! This scene is already unsettling enough as it is.”

“Well, you were probably wondering how exactly you would travel around the city.”

Max shrugged. “Not really. I just thought I would run around and jump from roof to roof.”

Steve sniffed. “Like a common whore? Hardly…”

“How is that like a common-”

“Silence,” interrupted Steve. “Prepare your eyes to look upon the face of the future! And what a pretty face it is. Big brown eyes you could get lost in for days. Cute, little nose. Some make-up, but not too much. The lips are a little poutier than I care for, but the make-up does a decent enough job de-emphasizing them. I could do without the glasses, but I’m flexible. The hair’s really nice, though there are a few split ends. I know a good shampoo that’ll fix that right up.. Speaking of which, there’s this moisturizing conditioner that-”

“Uhm, is there a point to this? ‘Cause I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh yeah. Lemme think…silence…eyes…future…Oh! I will now show you my greatest invention yet!”

“Wait,” said Max. “I thought you were like a chemist or a physician or a biologist or something. You invent stuff?”

“Well, I didn’t invent it personally. But it is an invention. And it is mine. Well, actually it’s yours, but its mine for now.”

“Just let me see the damn thing.”

Steve smiled and turned on the tap of a nearby water cooler. Instantly, the floor in the middle of the room began to rise as huge metal arms pushed it up. Then it rotated over, revealing the long strip of futuristic-looking metal and stuff that was the launching bay. It also sent the cubicles that were previously in the space to fall down to the Marketing floor, but nobody cared, ‘cause they were accountants.

“Voila!” said Steve, gesturing at the object.

“What is it?”

Steve smiled even wider. “Your own personal jet glider. Now you can get around the city in style.

Max stared at the object appraisingly. “Jet glider? You mean like the Green Goblin’s flying thingy?”

“Yeah. I guess. But we prefer to downplay similarities like that for copyright reasons.”

“Great. After all the stupid crap I go through I end up with a second-rate method of transportation,” said Max, dejected by the turn of events.

Steve looked shocked. “What? How can you say that? What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s a glider! Who wants a glider? I thought I might something cool, like something that would make me able to really fly, or at least webbing or something. I don’t even like the Green Goblin.”

Now Steve was just confused. “You don’t like the Green Goblin?”

“Yeah. He was all over the place from a thematic standpoint. He had bat-themed stuff and pumpkin stuff and he wore green and purple. What do bats and pumpkins have to do with a goblin? Is it supposed to be because he’s a goblin and goblins are scary and those things are scary? And what’s that have to do with a serum that makes you super-strong/immortal/crazy? It doesn’t add up. They were just making up shit. Really. And don’t even get me started on the Hobglobin. Geez.”

“I hate to interrupt your little speech, Princess, but the night isn’t getting any younger and you probably wanna get out while people are committing crimes.” He picked up the ‘jet glider’ and held up the side she would be standing on. “The controls are pretty simple. Steer by shifting your weight. There are buttons on the side for acceleration and braking. You’ll figure it out.”

Max took the glider and glared at her de facto boss. “Let’s just do this. One thing, though. You just called me that name for no reason at all.”

Steve chuckled. “I had a really good one this time. See, the glider is kind of like a magic carpet, and a certain movie princess had a very enlightening experience on a magic carpet. Found a whole new world, if you will.”

***

Max looked down fondly on the city of Insert Large City Here, her city. With its stately towers bathed by the sickly orange glow of light pollution, it was like something out of a fairy tale. A really good fairy tale, with ninjas and magic scullery maids and everything.

The flight to her current location had been better than she thought. The glider could really move. She’d have never in a million years be able to control it without her super-enhanced agility combined with years of experience playing that snowboarding game at the arcade. You know the one.

There had been some trouble when the launch bay had launched her out of the building at high speeds and it turned out that the glider hadn’t been turned on, leading to a not so pleasant encounter with the ground, but after that she basically got the hang of it.

Until she needed to stop. The deceleration system being called “brakes” was kind of a misnomer. Pressing the “brake button” did lower how powerful the jets were and there was a hover function that kicked in when the jets were completely stopped. But unfortunately, there was this thing called inertia that made her first attempt at landing not so fun. She had ended up flying into an incredibly painful amount of concrete.

But besides this, her flight had been cool. Not as cool as actually flying on her own would be, but still cool. She decided that there were worse ways of getting around. At least she could sorta fly. There had only been one major problem so far. The city of Insert City Name Here was completely devoid of actual criminals.

“Do something illegal, assholes!” she screamed into the night.

She stood on top of the RonCo. Towers. She had hoped she could spot some criminals from up there, but so far it had worked about as well as her patrol, turning up nothing. The city seemed to be crime-free. No break-ins, no muggings, no nothing. Not even a damn mendicant. Just peace and quiet. She couldn’t even hope for a super villain.

She was beginning to grow very discouraged. Being a superhero had always been a dream of hers. Sorta. It wasn’t a major dream or anything. She hadn’t thought about very much. It was the kind of dream like when you’re in the bathroom and you think how cool it would be to be a rapper. And your name could be Tarantula, and you could reach stardom with a remix of Flight of the Bumblebee put to the Theme From Shaft, then lose it all after being caught by your trophy wife, Jennifer Garner, in an orgy with the girls of Destiny’s Child, the Olsen Twins, and, somewhat surprisingly, Joan Rivers. Max’s aspirations of being a superhero were like that, except without the orgy bit.

“Gawd!” she exclaimed, starting to feel more and more monologuey. The gothic beauty of stately RonCo. Towers reminded her of the hero they had famously sponsored. “I bet Captain-o-Matic doesn’t have to deal with stuff like this. People just line up to get beat up by him. People schedule it in advance. He doesn’t have to sit around on a roof waiting for something to happen.”

She began to think that maybe she had picked the wrong night to get started. Was Sunday night a slow night or something? She hadn’t seen any other superheroes either. Maybe criminals took a break on Sunday nights.

Max sighed to herself and sat down on the edge of the building. No matter what, this was boring. She hadn’t become a superhero to sit around for no reason. She had become a superhero so she wouldn’t have to think about the massive changes in her life and could instead sublimate her fears and angst into bad guy beatdowns. She began to contemplate calling it a night. It was cold and she was uncomfortable and that ringing noise was beginning to get real annoying. Even worse, her underwear w-

Ringing noise? An alarm! Max immediately sprang to her feet. She finally had something to do. She quickly threw down her glider and leaped on it, then flew it down to street level. The noise was coming from around the corner, so off she flew, with the speed and grace of an Olympic acrobat…on a high-tech glider thingy.

Turning the corner, Max saw what was assuredly a crime scene. The alarm was coming from a bank with its front door wide open and a man in black was fleeing the scene with a big sack over his shoulder. Max steered the glider after him.

“Stop!” Max shouted at him. “In the name of the law!”

The criminal stopped dead in his tracks and turned to look straight at Max. Max only barely managed to get the glider into hover mode before it flew right over the guy.

The guy stared up at her incredulously. Up close, Max could make him out much better. He was about five or six inches taller than her at 6’1” or so and was probably in his early twenties. his black outfit also had accents of yellow on it, many of them in the shape of lightning bolts. Most of the guys face was covered by a mask but his eyes and everything under his nose was visible.

Max was overjoyed. She never imagined she could go toe to toe with a real super villain on her first night out. Score!

“Is that really your warning?“ he asked. “Stop in the name of the law?”

“Well, yeah…Is there something wrong with that?”

“No. Not if you want to be the lamest superhero ever,” quipped the guy. “Who are you supposed to be, anyway?”

“I’m…” Max paused, remembering how she didn’t exactly have a name yet. All the names Steve had offered were stupid/copyright infringing. “Your worst nightmare.”

“Oh, good one. I’m shaking. Your cliché frightens me to my core.”

“Just hand over the bag peacefully and-” She stopped mid-sentence, noticing something on the bag. “What’s that thing?”

“What thing?”

“That thing on your bag? The symbol.”

“What about it?”

“It’s a dollar sign!” exclaimed Max.

“So?”

“You’re robbing a bank with a sack with a dollar sign on it and you’re telling me about being clichéd? That’s not even a real thing!”

The thief looked hurt. “Yes it is.”

“Really? You mean to tell me they make bags with money symbols on them like that?”

“…No.”

“Then where’d you get it?”

“My mom made it for me. Happy?”

Max burst out laughing. “Your mom? That’s hilarious!” She began to imitate the guy’s voice. Not very well I might add. “Hey mom, I need you to make me a big money bag with a dollar sign on it because I’m an idiot and also a big baby and also not cool. Then I need you to dress me.” She burst back into giggles. “Classic!”

The guy dropped the sac on the ground and glared at Max, his eyes seething with rage. “They call me Electrode. Let’s see whose laughing now.”

He held up his right hand and pointed it at Max. Instantly, a small spark of electricity flew at her.

“Wow,” she said after getting hit by the tiny blast. “That kind of stung.”

Electrode shrugged. “I have to warm up.”

“That’s too bad,” said Max. She jumped off the glider and landed right in front of Electrode. She pulled back her fist and punched him in the face, knocking him all the way into a nearby alleyway “I don’t.”

Max smiled and looked at her fist. “And I didn’t even break a nail. Heh, I should right that one down. That’s a good one.”

Without warning, a much bigger beam of electricity came her way from the alley. She easily dodged it by tilting her head. Electrode now stood at the entrance to the alleyway, both his hands now surrounded by electricity.

“Oh. Guess I might have to break a nail after all,” Max said. She hoped her training would kick in for this. Then she realized that she’d had no training and that all she knew about fighting had come from watching kung-fu movies and reading one of those weird pamphlets, Corporate Ninja Takedown Techniques for the Girl on the Go.

Electrode rushed at Max and started swinging. Max easily dodged the blows. The guy was pretty slow, at least compared to Max. Occasionally, the electricity on his hands grazed her body and gave her a little sting, but she suffered no direct hits. Finally, seeing an opening, she punched him right in the stomach. He went down. Hard.

“I’ll give you one more warning. Give me the bag, and then we can go to the police. You don’t have to get hurt.”

“I know I don‘t,” said the guy as he slowly look up. Max saw with shock that his eyes were dead white. His iris and pupils had disappeared. “But I think you do!”

Electricity surrounded all his of his arms now. He stood up in a flash. He seemed much faster than before. This was proved when he attacked again, sending a blazing volley of punches at Max. Max could barely keep up with him now. A few of the blows to her midsection got through. They hurt quite a bit. Worse yet, he seemed to be growing even faster and stronger as the electricity continued to spread. Then finally, Electrode got a clean punch to Max’s face, knocking her to the ground.

He was now covered head to toe by the swirling electrical currents. He laughed maniacally, as villains are prone to do when they think they’re winning.

“Not so tough now, are you little girl?” taunted Electrode.

“No,” replied Max matter-of-factly as she looked up at him. “I guess I’m not, really. Oh well.”

She scrambled to her feet as quickly as she could and ran in the opposite direction. She was stopped, however, as a bolt of electricity struck the ground in front of her, leaving a fairly large crater where the street used to be. She turned to see Electrode waving his finger scornfully at her. He had even more of an electrical aura now.

It was at this point that Max realized that she was in trouble. This guy totally outclassed her power wise and she didn’t have any idea how to fight him. She knew she should’ve gotten a gimmick. She didn’t have squat to fight this guy with. She needed a laser or a magic ring or webbing or something. Hell, even a stupid billy club would be better than what she had now.

There was only one thing she could do. She closed her eyes and began to focus. She had to tap into whatever power it was that Steve had detected on his stupid machine. It was her only hope.

“What are you doing?” asked Electrode. “I thought we were fighting.”

“Shut up! Just gimme a minute…”

She focused and meditated and counted sheep and did everything she could think of to bring out the power within her. She called for it with all her soul. Without it, she would surely be destroyed. With every fiber of her being she searched for it inside her self. Just before she was about to give up she felt it. A tingle. But it was more than that. It was something new. Something…powerful. But then just like that, it was gone.

She opened her eyes. Electrode was still there, and he looked like he was growing pretty impatient. She didn’t feel any different…Had she just imagined the feeling?

Then she caught sight of something out of the corner of her eye. A flare of red. She turned her head, but saw nothing there. She still saw the red, though. It was her hair? It couldn‘t be. Her hair was blonde. She had only just gotten used to that. She grabbed a handful of it and pulled it to her face. Sure enough, it was bright red.

“Oh come on!” exclaimed Max. “This is bullshit! My hair? My hair?! What is that supposed to be?”

“Nice trick,” said Electrode coolly. “My turn.”

Electrode held out his arms, and suddenly a lightning bolt fell from the sky, despite the fact that there wasn’t any clouds. The amount of electricity surrounding him grew at least by ten.

Max, in awe of what she had just seen, did the only thing she could think of. She looked down at her chest. “This is your fault, isn’t it? I know it is. You guys have been nothing but trouble from the day I found you!”

***

Will our heroine survive the onslaught of Electrode?

Will she finally get a name?

Who is behind the mysterious Zerotech corporation?

How did Steve become a doctor and high ranking executive at a large corporation at the age of twenty-two despite being cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?

Why was there a reference to RonCo? No one’s gonna get that.

Will our heroine look as good as a redhead?

What’s up with Electrode? Y’know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.

What really is up with the Green Goblin? Seriously.

Whatever happened to the Dell dude? I never thought I’d miss him, but I really do.

(Insert question that makes apparent plotholes seem like well constructed plot points)

For the answers to these questions and more, take a trip to your local library. Reading is fun-damental!

Notes:

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