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I used to hate men with a lethal and dangerous venom. Worse, yet, I was one and thus hated my self in with a homicidal anger. I never wanted to be friends with one, though there were several who were friendly with me in the work place. I did not make a good friend to men. In spite of all that, if anyone, men mostly, asked me for help, I seldom turned anyone down. For me it was about living out my core beliefs.
It used to hurt me that most women would not talk to me either. I looked like a man, therefore, I must be one, they reasoned.
As I went through the trauma of transition, I could not figure out if I was Gay or simply a woman. My religious beliefs tormented me over the issue but the scientific side of my mind also knew that there was likely a biological/genetic/or environmental reason that I felt this way, thus, I was a woman.
Being post op now, I am pretty sure that if the right man came along, I could fall in love with him and I would naturally do all the things that followed to insure his happiness.
In my mind, I am a woman, (hear me giggle).
Much to my astonishment, many of the trans women I know are either celibate or seek other women. So, it makes me wonder if we know our true inner selves as we cope with all these changes. Perhaps my life long hate of men was simply my being in denial about being actually Gay?
I certainly had sufficent reason to hate men. Those I had met as a child were rough, unmannered louts who beat and mistreated me at the drop of the hat. Even in adulthood, I would work for a man but if he blew up at me just once, as far as I was concerned, he did not exist.
Yet in life I was extremely successful. I was gentle and meek enough that most men just did not get aggressive toward me. And, I am told, I was extremely good at what I did and worked very hard to please who ever I was working for.
I often felt subservient toward those I worked for, to the point that I frequently visualized myself as a slave; desiring to live as one. Perhaps, fortunately for me, I never met anyown who would own up to wanting a slave. It was all just too sick for them, I suppose.
I wish there was a way to know my own mind honestly. I am a Woman, that is all I know.
Comments
It's all about choice
I must confess I don't understand the hatred of men, but that's your decision. In spite of having been molested by a man when I was a child, I don't hate all men, just certain ones. I also don't understand why a woman would not talk to you because she perceived you as a man. From the time I started college many of my best friends were female, whether I was living as a male or female.
I likely can't express it properly, but who you are is more than just the physical gender you are born with, or how you feel inside. I haven't met alot of transwomen so I can't say much about their sexuality, but I'm the only lesbian trans I personally know. The rest are all heterosexual women, several have had relationships with men both before and after their surgery. I have had several lesbian relationships that worked for awhile to a greater or lesser degree. As all my brothers save one have been married and divorced at least once each I don't consider my failure to sustain a lasting relationship to be of particular significance.
In short, you have to do whatever works for you. My life is not about living to some other person's expectations, my gender and my sexuality are what make me "me". So should yours be. As one of my brothers puts it so well, "whatever floats your boat". Be careful about drawing conclusions from a small sample; and remember that everybody, male or female; hetro, gay or lesbian; trans or not; everybody is a unique individual. Each one has something to offer, find out what it is. And if its something you are interested in, then take the time to know that unique individual. You can never have too many friends.
Karen J.
"Being a girl is wonderful and to torture someone into that would be like the exact opposite of what it's like. I don’t know how anyone could act that way."
College Girl - poetheather
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
Re: Gay or woman
It cannot be an easy decision to make as nothing in life is guaranteed.
I'm sure more men would transition (or women too - the other way of course) were we guaranteed a desirable outcome. Let's be honest, many men wouldn't mind the anguish of the transition if they wound up looking like a famous model or actress, similarly, many women wouldn't mind the transition if they ended up like some famous actor or rock God.
This is rarely the case in my opinion, which must put pressure on the person concerned as I for one would not feel comfortable spending the rest of my life looking like a bloke in a frock - which I'm sure is what would be the most likely scenario for me.
Having spoken to my post op friend, she didn't seem to think that it would have made any difference what the outcome was, she would have still gone the whole way. Having said that, she did spend several tens of thousands of pounds on several operations and shall we say 'enhancements' to make her more feminine looking.
I think there is a desire in all of us to one degree or another to be 'good looking' or one of the beautiful people, but it has to be said, many of us don't have that option. I wouldn't say that I had a face like a bag of spanners, but I certainly don't feel I would be particularly convincing in the guise of a female - big hands and feet, over six feet tall, over 250lbs in weight - it's all conspiring against me.
As it has been stated many times, there is a difference between being gay and being transgendered. More often than not, the sexual orientation does not change despite the hormonal treatments, the physical and mental transformations that occur as a result of those treatments and the self image that emerges, so despite being transgendered, it's not even guaranteed that after all the transition is over, the person concerned would be a heterosexual female, preferring instead to be a lesbian.
It would seem that in answer to your question (as long-winded as it may have been) is that whilst initially, a person may well be a heterosexual transgendered person (outwardly a male, attracted to females, or conversely, a female attracted to males), in the end, they may actually become a gay woman or man - as odd as that sounds, which could lead to the third option which is celibacy.
I'm glad that you found yourself in the right container in the end and yes, I did hear you giggle!
Oppressed and abused by men
I grew up as a recipient of abuse and oppression by men. I did not know that my differences were visible to others. Nor did I know that I was intersexed. I was a confused child who was pushed along the male guidelines so the outer shell would at least match the basic requirements. I did not fair well in gym class, shrinky dink was not a word i heard, the phrase that gave me chills "Any smaller and you'd be with the girls in gym class." I was not a locker room proponents and I found many ways to ber ill so I did not have to be with the guys in gym class. Those remarks certainly made me want to shower with the boys .lol. I was highly uncomfortable in the boys locker room.
As time went by I kept to myself. when I no longer had to take gym in school I was elated. I was still unsure of my gender. I enjoyed being a girl. I dressed as a girl when opportunity arose. I learned how to do my own hair, apply cosemetics and that body hair was not necessary.
Unfortunately I was a very feminine looking boy. I entered the military, I went so I could die in war (Viet Nam). I was sexually harassed while serving iun Nam. I longed for the feminine life style. I left Nam unscathed physically. emotionally I was a wreck.
I was 31 when I was raped by a male. Needles to say I have not let any males into my life since. After being abused as a child, harassed in my twenties and raped i saw men as an evil, an unnecessary evil. I will communicate with them at a distance.
Women to me were to be friends, equals. I was never comfortable with them in any sort of sexual setting. I felt as though I was a lesbian andit creeped me out.
I have chosen to remain celebate. Since I really never had a sex drive, I do not instigate any thing that would be sexual.
I never thought about being gay or not being gay. I just know that I did not feel comfortable with either sex. Does that make me unusual no it makes me an asexual person, who knows where she stands in her persoanl life.
Jill Micayla
May you have a wonderful today and a better tomorrow
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
On that note
I can agree with you Jill. How you choose to be is up to you. I have never had a sex drive myself either - but that is due to organ removal and having nothing to "play" with. Its also why I remained out of really trying for relationships when I was younger. I mean, I thought no one would want someone who had nothing there. I am really looking forward to my srs so that I will have something, be more complete to what I used to be, to feel more worthy as a human, and to be more normal, as a woman.
Despite the hell I have been through, in the partnership aspect, I do differ from you. I have an absolute need for having one. I cannot ignore it any longer. I need someone to help look out for myself, I need someone to focus myself, my energies, my heart on - all to keep me away from my depression. I am so extremely lucky to have found such a person. It doesnt matter to me if that person is outwardly female or male - just that their soul is the one I want to be around. I know the person, I want to please that person with everything I do.
I am quite certain as I explore my relationship out, there will be barriers not to be crossed, limits found, and bumps hit on the road. But the Journey is so much worth it... to find and do what each of us can for the other. The fun is finding the things that bring the smile on your partner's face and enjoying watching their pleasure of the moment with you.
So Jill, I respect how you want to be, and am glad you have your happiness through the hell you have been in. Finding that happiness is what we must all do.
What we all start out in life as, is not necessarily how we will end up. Its what we do with our life and how we interact with others that determine what we are and made up of. How we finish, will at least determine how we will respond to one another when we meet again in a future life.
BigCloset TopShelf
Gay or T.G.??
Like most of you here, I had a hard time fitting in within the confines that society places on us. I was always the shortest in class, and last picked for games. I felt more comfortable with the girls than I did with the boys. I however did not have the horrible experiences of rape, or beatings. Verbal abuse, yes. pushed around by peers as well as employers, yes. but very mild to a lot of you.
I recently asked someone here what exactly is a Transgendered person? what defines them? They answered, "If you could choose what body you were to have at birth would it be male or female?" My answer is and always has been, Female. I, as have a lot of you, laid awake in bed at night as a teenager and prayed to wake up with a female body. If only......
Having said all that, I am and have always been attracted to women. It has been weird at times growing up, knowing what hair would work better on a girlfriend, what dresses would flatter their figures better, etc... but I am now in a career where that is my job, my forte'.
SRS? not for me. because like Nick. I would make one UGLY woman. I have no delusions to that. I often describe myself to my clients, "I'm a short, fat, bald,and hairy, hairdresser, whose straight." and as someone pointed out to me, "you can't be TG and straight, you are one of the other." I may be TG, but the world doesn't have to know it, especially perspective clients. I am in my soul a woman, trapped in a man's body who is a lesbian. I have accepted this, and have also accepted that I will never have a woman's body (in this life). By accepting these things, I have found a calm....... especially now that my wife knows and still loves me.
Sorry for the verbal dribble.
A.A.
geeee
"you cant be TG and straight? what brainless moron said that bit of nonsense.
The two have absolutely nothing to do with eachother. Your attraction to men or women have nothing to do with what gender you perceive yourself. Sheesh i thought that nonsense went away years ago.
I hope my little rant here doesnt get me into trouble with erin but people who say that really annoy me. Just because a guy wants to dress up or even become a woman doesnt mean she must become sexually attracted to men.